Uploaded December 2024 | Updated September 2026, 2 weeks ago
We all have different needs for closeness and distance, for intimacy and independence. You might have heard terms like anxious or avoidant attachment to describe this, and these tendencies can create challenges - particularly when people with different needs try to relate to each other. In this episode, @RickHanson and I explore why we're drawn to people who activate our insecurities, how anxiety manifests differently in "pursuers" versus "distancers," and what we can all do to work with our natural tendencies more skillfully. We also discuss common relationship patterns, why pursuers usually receive more blame than distancers, schizoid personalities, and practical ways to break free from entrenched patterns.
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
1:50 Key characteristics of pursuers and distancers
9:00 Demands and reassurance
13:40 Assigning blame, and gender stereotypes
21:10 Why opposites attract, the power of small wins, and changing ourselves
31:00 The distancer
40:55 Finding motivation to identify common ground with our partner
55:10 The pursuer
1:00:35 Self-consciousness and ego
1:03:00 Brave questions to ask in your relationship
1:07:55 Recap
Subscribe to Being Well on:
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/being-well-with-dr-rick-hanson/id1120885936
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/5d87ZU1XY0fpdYNSEwXLVQ
Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
I'm not a clinician, and what I say on this channel should not be taken as medical advice.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 forresthanson.com
📸 instagram.com/f.hanson
We all have different needs for closeness and distance, for intimacy and independence. You might have heard terms like anxious or avoidant attachment to describe this, and these tendencies can create challenges - particularly when people with different needs try to relate to each other. In this episode, @RickHanson and I explore why we're drawn to people who activate our insecurities, how anxiety manifests differently in "pursuers" versus "distancers," and what we can all do to work with our natural tendencies more skillfully. We also discuss common relationship patterns, why pursuers usually receive more blame than distancers, schizoid personalities, and practical ways to break free from entrenched patterns.
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
1:50 Key characteristics of pursuers and distancers
9:00 Demands and reassurance
13:40 Assigning blame, and gender stereotypes
21:10 Why opposites attract, the power of small wins, and changing ourselves
31:00 The distancer
40:55 Finding motivation to identify common ground with our partner
55:10 The pursuer
1:00:35 Self-consciousness and ego
1:03:00 Brave questions to ask in your relationship
1:07:55 Recap
Subscribe to Being Well on:
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/being-well-with-dr-rick-hanson/id1120885936
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/5d87ZU1XY0fpdYNSEwXLVQ
Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
I'm not a clinician, and what I say on this channel should not be taken as medical advice.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 forresthanson.com
📸 instagram.com/f.hanson
