Esther Perel Reflects on Patients Who Fall in Love With Their Therapists and Transference @estherperel

Uploaded August 2025 | Updated September 2026, 5 hours ago

As you can imagine, I’ve been asked numerous times this week about therapists seeing patients who have feelings for them and transference.

Esther Perel Reflects on Patients Who Fall in Love With Their Therapists and Transference

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$My Hero Complex | Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel On this weeks episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: When his ex calls in the middle of a crisis, he finds himself pulled back into a familiar role: the rescuer. Hes always been the one women confide in, the one who steps up, the one who proves hes a good man by making sure no one falls apart on his watch. It’s a hero complex he wears easily. If he’s needed, he feels powerful. If he’s not, he feels invisible. He’s the strong one, the reliable one, and yet he rarely asks for help himself. Can he be loved not just for what he gives, but for who he is? Chapters 00:00 Why Do I Want to Save People? 00:51 What Happens in a First Therapy Session? 01:33 Why Did My Ex Call Me in Crisis? 02:28 Did We Build Our Relationship on Shared Pain? 03:55 Was I Trying to Rescue Her? 09:32 Do People Need Me or Love Me? 13:49 Am I a Nurse More Than a Partner? 17:00 Why Am I Drawn to Broken People? 19:14 Where Does the Hero Complex Come From? 21:35 Why Is Vulnerability Harder Than Helping? 26:09 Can I Learn to Receive Instead of Rescue? 29:11 What Truth Am I Afraid to Tell Her? 31:22 What Happens When I Put Myself First? About Where Should We Begin?: Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others. About Esther Perel: Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by subscribing to her Substack Entre Nous.$

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$Our Sex Life is a Disaster I Where Should We Begin With Esther Perel? On this weeks episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: We hear from two wives who are expecting their first child. Theyre happily married, except for one thing: their sex life. In moments of intimacy, one freezes, the other hesitates, and they end up locked in a cycle of uncertainty and distress. On the precipice of becoming parents, they come to Esther worried about how their sex life might further deteriorate in this next stage of life. Is it possible to restore the magical physical connection that they once felt? Esther guides them through somatic exercises to re-establish trust, discover pleasure, and help them move together from their minds into their bodies. Chapters 00:00 When Caretaking Becomes a Relationship Pattern 01:52 Who Is This Couple Beneath the Surface? 02:25 What Happens When Desire Comes to a Standstill? 02:32 How Does Pregnancy Change Intimacy and Identity? 03:24 Can Difficult Conversations Bring Partners Closer? 03:54 How Did Their Love Story Really Begin? 07:40 How Do Childhood Stories Shape Adult Love? 10:02 Why Does Sexual Connection Feel So Hard? 12:46 Can Playfulness Revive Emotional and Physical Intimacy? 16:06 How Does Time Pressure Reshape Desire and Decisions? 16:32 What Does the IVF Journey Reveal About a Relationship? 18:14 Are They Partners or Performing a Marriage? 19:35 Can Caretaking and Desire Coexist? 24:11 What Small Experiments Can Rekindle Connection? 27:53 Why Do Certain Emotions Feel So Explosive? 29:42 How Do Anger and Miscommunication Spiral? 32:49 What Lies Beneath Sexual Frustration? 34:52 How Much Space Does Love Really Need? 40:47 Who Holds Power in This Relationship? 49:39 What Patterns Keep Repeating in Their Love Story? About Where Should We Begin?: Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others. About Esther Perel: Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.$

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