Uploaded June 2020 | Updated September 2026, 6 minutes ago
If I divorce, will I just end up with worse problems?
Many Christians in destructive marriages are warned that divorce will only bring new pain: custody battles, financial strain, loneliness, holidays alone, and grief over the end of a “one-flesh” union.
But devout Christians in horrific marriages have usually counted the cost of divorce for years. They have also counted the cost of staying: fear, trauma, betrayal, children walking on eggshells, spiritual confusion, emotional collapse, and the slow death of hope.
In this episode, I respond to two kinds of Christian advice that can keep abused and betrayed spouses trapped.
First, I respond to a pastor’s claim that divorce “never makes anything better,” and that people often fail to understand the cost of divorce.
Then I respond to a Christian counselor’s advice about sexually abused wives, where every option—staying, leaving, confronting, or remaining quiet—is described as leading to more pain.
Both sound compassionate at first. But both can leave suffering spouses believing there is no real hope in leaving.
That is not true.
A life-saving divorce is not a frivolous divorce. It is a divorce for very serious reasons, such as abuse, adultery, abandonment, coercive control, addiction, sexual betrayal, neglect, or chronic emotional cruelty.
Read the accompanying blog post:
lifesavingdivorce.com/married-pastor-counted-cost-of-divorce
Get the book, The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships:
lifesavingdivorce.com/book
Learn more:
lifesavingdivorce.com
In This Video
00:00 Introduction: What is a life-saving divorce?
00:42 Today’s question: Will divorce just give me worse problems?
01:32 A pastor says, “Divorce never makes anything better”
02:10 The pastor’s claim: divorce comes at a cost few understand
03:06 What pastors may not know about destructive marriages
04:14 The invested spouse has usually counted the cost
05:22 Why one spouse cannot fix a destructive marriage alone
06:46 Are most Christian divorcees unhappy after divorce?
07:28 A Christian counselor’s advice to sexually abused wives
08:31 What the counselor gets right: victims must make their own choices
09:01 Why pastors and counselors are not always neutral
09:26 The counselor’s claim: every choice leads to more pain
10:49 Should counselors “process potential outcomes”?
11:13 When Christian leaders fear-bomb victims with misinformation
11:36 What many pastors don’t know about kids and divorce
13:48 After a long destructive marriage, divorce may bring peace
14:22 So will divorce just give you bigger problems?
15:09 A divorced Christian woman shares what changed after safety
The Pastor’s Claims
The pastor warned that divorce comes with costs many people don’t fully understand: custody, support, property division, loneliness, holidays, and the grief of severing a biblical “one-flesh” union.
But in many life-saving divorces, the suffering spouse has already counted these costs for years. That is often why they stayed so long.
The problem is not that they failed to count the cost of divorce. The problem is that many pastors have failed to count the cost of staying.
Leaving an abuser can be difficult, expensive, and frightening. But for many people, it also brings relief, safety, peace, and a chance to heal.
Key Point
The real choice in many destructive marriages is not between divorce and a repaired marriage.
The real choice is often between ongoing destruction and a painful path toward safety.
A faithful spouse cannot fix adultery the cheater refuses to end. They cannot fix abuse the abuser denies. They cannot fix addiction the addict hides. They cannot fix coercive control by communicating better, submitting more, forgiving faster, or praying harder.
Marriage restoration requires repentance, truth-telling, accountability, and changed behavior over time.
ABOUT
Gretchen Baskerville started leading Christian divorce recovery groups in 1998. She is the author of The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships.
Get the book:
Paperback/Kindle: amzn.to/3CCBsnr
PDF: gumroad.com/l/jZMQG
ePUB: gumroad.com/l/PnDeu
Follow Gretchen:
Facebook: facebook.com/lifesavingdivorce
Twitter/X: twitter.com/GGBaskerville
Instagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville
More links:
Website and Blog: lifesavingdivorce.com
Divorce Story Interviews: lifesavingdivorce.com/interviews
Email Signup: lifesavingdivorce.com/courage
If I divorce, will I just end up with worse problems?
Many Christians in destructive marriages are warned that divorce will only bring new pain: custody battles, financial strain, loneliness, holidays alone, and grief over the end of a “one-flesh” union.
But devout Christians in horrific marriages have usually counted the cost of divorce for years. They have also counted the cost of staying: fear, trauma, betrayal, children walking on eggshells, spiritual confusion, emotional collapse, and the slow death of hope.
In this episode, I respond to two kinds of Christian advice that can keep abused and betrayed spouses trapped.
First, I respond to a pastor’s claim that divorce “never makes anything better,” and that people often fail to understand the cost of divorce.
Then I respond to a Christian counselor’s advice about sexually abused wives, where every option—staying, leaving, confronting, or remaining quiet—is described as leading to more pain.
Both sound compassionate at first. But both can leave suffering spouses believing there is no real hope in leaving.
That is not true.
A life-saving divorce is not a frivolous divorce. It is a divorce for very serious reasons, such as abuse, adultery, abandonment, coercive control, addiction, sexual betrayal, neglect, or chronic emotional cruelty.
Read the accompanying blog post:
lifesavingdivorce.com/married-pastor-counted-cost-of-divorce
Get the book, The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships:
lifesavingdivorce.com/book
Learn more:
lifesavingdivorce.com
In This Video
00:00 Introduction: What is a life-saving divorce?
00:42 Today’s question: Will divorce just give me worse problems?
01:32 A pastor says, “Divorce never makes anything better”
02:10 The pastor’s claim: divorce comes at a cost few understand
03:06 What pastors may not know about destructive marriages
04:14 The invested spouse has usually counted the cost
05:22 Why one spouse cannot fix a destructive marriage alone
06:46 Are most Christian divorcees unhappy after divorce?
07:28 A Christian counselor’s advice to sexually abused wives
08:31 What the counselor gets right: victims must make their own choices
09:01 Why pastors and counselors are not always neutral
09:26 The counselor’s claim: every choice leads to more pain
10:49 Should counselors “process potential outcomes”?
11:13 When Christian leaders fear-bomb victims with misinformation
11:36 What many pastors don’t know about kids and divorce
13:48 After a long destructive marriage, divorce may bring peace
14:22 So will divorce just give you bigger problems?
15:09 A divorced Christian woman shares what changed after safety
The Pastor’s Claims
The pastor warned that divorce comes with costs many people don’t fully understand: custody, support, property division, loneliness, holidays, and the grief of severing a biblical “one-flesh” union.
But in many life-saving divorces, the suffering spouse has already counted these costs for years. That is often why they stayed so long.
The problem is not that they failed to count the cost of divorce. The problem is that many pastors have failed to count the cost of staying.
Leaving an abuser can be difficult, expensive, and frightening. But for many people, it also brings relief, safety, peace, and a chance to heal.
Key Point
The real choice in many destructive marriages is not between divorce and a repaired marriage.
The real choice is often between ongoing destruction and a painful path toward safety.
A faithful spouse cannot fix adultery the cheater refuses to end. They cannot fix abuse the abuser denies. They cannot fix addiction the addict hides. They cannot fix coercive control by communicating better, submitting more, forgiving faster, or praying harder.
Marriage restoration requires repentance, truth-telling, accountability, and changed behavior over time.
ABOUT
Gretchen Baskerville started leading Christian divorce recovery groups in 1998. She is the author of The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships.
Get the book:
Paperback/Kindle: amzn.to/3CCBsnr
PDF: gumroad.com/l/jZMQG
ePUB: gumroad.com/l/PnDeu
Follow Gretchen:
Facebook: facebook.com/lifesavingdivorce
Twitter/X: twitter.com/GGBaskerville
Instagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville
More links:
Website and Blog: lifesavingdivorce.com
Divorce Story Interviews: lifesavingdivorce.com/interviews
Email Signup: lifesavingdivorce.com/courage
