Describing Love vs Desire @estherperel

Uploaded June 2026 | Updated September 2026, 3 minutes ago

When I ask people to describe love, I often hear words like comfort, trust, and warmth.

When I ask them to describe desire, the vocabulary changes.

I explored this idea further (including an exercise you can try yourself) in a post I wrote earlier this year on my Substack, Entre Nous.

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When You Dont Want to Live With The Answer to a Question

$My Husband Has Been Cheating For Years: What Now? | Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel The Chronic Philanderer | Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel On this weeks episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: Hes been cheating on her for years, and shes had enough. Now she wants to know: is he in or is he out? Chapters 00:00 Introduction: A Marriage in Crisis 01:46 The Husbands Double Life 04:41 Exploring the Root Causes 11:46 The Impact on Family Dynamics 18:14 The Struggle for Control and Resolution 22:58 Understanding the Root of Emotional Turmoil 24:11 The Impact of Family Dynamics 24:46 Navigating Personal Insecurities 25:17 The Struggle with Infidelity 26:28 Confronting Emotional Pain 28:13 The Weight of Past Losses 31:22 The Complexity of Parental Roles 33:36 The Path to Healing and Reconciliation 35:35 The Importance of Honest Communication 37:54 Reflecting on Personal Growth 43:16 Final Thoughts and Resources About Where Should We Begin?: Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others. About Esther Perel: Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.$

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The relationship between trust and betrayal

$I Gave Him an Ultimatum To Stop Hiding Our Relationship | Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel On this weeks episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: A person gives their partner an ultimatum, and they fail to meet it. What happens then to the relationship? This couple comes to Esther with that question, wondering what future, if any, might be possible for them. A painful misalignment lies at the center of their polyamorous relationship. She wants to be an integrated part of his life, including his other partnerships; he wants to keep his relationships separate and invisible. Tired of feeling like a secret, she finally gave him an ultimatum: make me a visible part of your life. He wouldnt do it, and now they are left wondering if it will be possible to stay together. Chapters 00:00 Can Transparency and Secrecy Coexist? 02:32 Why Do They Keep Repeating the Same Breakup? 04:16 Are They Even Defining Poly the Same Way? 05:14 What Happens When Your Other Relationships Stay Hidden? 07:24 Can a Relationship Survive Without Full Access? 09:43 What Is Compartmentalization Protecting Him From? 10:45 Where Did His Need for Secrecy Begin? 14:24 When Does People Pleasing Become Avoidance? 16:53 The Smallest Thing She Wants From Him 18:59 Can Relationship Anarchy Become Self-Erasure? 21:26 What Happens When He Finally Starts Telling the Truth? 24:18 Is Secrecy Still Running His Life? 25:39 What Does It Do to You to Feel Like a Secret? 27:53 Why Can’t They Let Go of Something So Painful? 29:16 Can Empathy Make You Abandon Yourself? 31:53 What Is He Really Losing by Ending These Relationships? 35:47 Have They Both Been Hiding From the Truth? 39:48 Can Love Survive Without Shared Limits? 44:51 Is He Using “Poly” to Describe Something Else Entirely? 46:49 How Do You Leave Without Feeling Certain? 51:28 Could They Be Friends Instead? About Where Should We Begin?: Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others. About Esther Perel: Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.$

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