Uploaded May 2026 | Updated September 2026, 4 hours ago
On this week's episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: A person gives their partner an ultimatum, and they fail to meet it. What happens then to the relationship? This couple comes to Esther with that question, wondering what future, if any, might be possible for them.
A painful misalignment lies at the center of their polyamorous relationship. She wants to be an integrated part of his life, including his other partnerships; he wants to keep his relationships separate and invisible. Tired of feeling like a secret, she finally gave him an ultimatum: make me a visible part of your life. He wouldn't do it, and now they are left wondering if it will be possible to stay together.
Chapters
00:00 Can Transparency and Secrecy Coexist?
02:32 Why Do They Keep Repeating the Same Breakup?
04:16 Are They Even Defining Poly the Same Way?
05:14 What Happens When Your Other Relationships Stay Hidden?
07:24 Can a Relationship Survive Without Full Access?
09:43 What Is Compartmentalization Protecting Him From?
10:45 Where Did His Need for Secrecy Begin?
14:24 When Does People Pleasing Become Avoidance?
16:53 The Smallest Thing She Wants From Him
18:59 Can Relationship Anarchy Become Self-Erasure?
21:26 What Happens When He Finally Starts Telling the Truth?
24:18 Is Secrecy Still Running His Life?
25:39 What Does It Do to You to Feel Like a Secret?
27:53 Why Can’t They Let Go of Something So Painful?
29:16 Can Empathy Make You Abandon Yourself?
31:53 What Is He Really Losing by Ending These Relationships?
35:47 Have They Both Been Hiding From the Truth?
39:48 Can Love Survive Without Shared Limits?
44:51 Is He Using “Poly” to Describe Something Else Entirely?
46:49 How Do You Leave Without Feeling Certain?
51:28 Could They Be Friends Instead?
About Where Should We Begin?:
Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others.
About Esther Perel:
Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.
On this week's episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: A person gives their partner an ultimatum, and they fail to meet it. What happens then to the relationship? This couple comes to Esther with that question, wondering what future, if any, might be possible for them.
A painful misalignment lies at the center of their polyamorous relationship. She wants to be an integrated part of his life, including his other partnerships; he wants to keep his relationships separate and invisible. Tired of feeling like a secret, she finally gave him an ultimatum: make me a visible part of your life. He wouldn't do it, and now they are left wondering if it will be possible to stay together.
Chapters
00:00 Can Transparency and Secrecy Coexist?
02:32 Why Do They Keep Repeating the Same Breakup?
04:16 Are They Even Defining Poly the Same Way?
05:14 What Happens When Your Other Relationships Stay Hidden?
07:24 Can a Relationship Survive Without Full Access?
09:43 What Is Compartmentalization Protecting Him From?
10:45 Where Did His Need for Secrecy Begin?
14:24 When Does People Pleasing Become Avoidance?
16:53 The Smallest Thing She Wants From Him
18:59 Can Relationship Anarchy Become Self-Erasure?
21:26 What Happens When He Finally Starts Telling the Truth?
24:18 Is Secrecy Still Running His Life?
25:39 What Does It Do to You to Feel Like a Secret?
27:53 Why Can’t They Let Go of Something So Painful?
29:16 Can Empathy Make You Abandon Yourself?
31:53 What Is He Really Losing by Ending These Relationships?
35:47 Have They Both Been Hiding From the Truth?
39:48 Can Love Survive Without Shared Limits?
44:51 Is He Using “Poly” to Describe Something Else Entirely?
46:49 How Do You Leave Without Feeling Certain?
51:28 Could They Be Friends Instead?
About Where Should We Begin?:
Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others.
About Esther Perel:
Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.
