Ex-Fundie DiariesThis video is part 1 about my experience as a teenage homeschooled AWANA member. I share what AWANA meant to me at the time and my perspective on it now. I also share video clips and journal entries about Bible quizzing, game competitions, and family camping trips.
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Introduction & context 00:55 - AWANA was an escape for me 06:23 - Toxic environment & bullying 08:55 - Clips of my AWANA book + handouts 09:41 - Bible Quizzing & Game Competitions 11:01 - Clips of AWANA olympics 17:12 - Family camping trips
Image Description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a desk as she talks to the camera. Their brown hair is down, and they are wearing a purple floral button-up shirt. On the desk are two green plants, a small bisexual flag, and a lit candle. There are AWANA home movie clips throughout the video.
My AWANA Experience Part 1: Bible Quizzing, Games, & Family CampingEx-Fundie Diaries2022-07-10 | This video is part 1 about my experience as a teenage homeschooled AWANA member. I share what AWANA meant to me at the time and my perspective on it now. I also share video clips and journal entries about Bible quizzing, game competitions, and family camping trips.
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Introduction & context 00:55 - AWANA was an escape for me 06:23 - Toxic environment & bullying 08:55 - Clips of my AWANA book + handouts 09:41 - Bible Quizzing & Game Competitions 11:01 - Clips of AWANA olympics 17:12 - Family camping trips
Image Description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a desk as she talks to the camera. Their brown hair is down, and they are wearing a purple floral button-up shirt. On the desk are two green plants, a small bisexual flag, and a lit candle. There are AWANA home movie clips throughout the video.
#AWANA #Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #Cult #ExHomeschoolerThis is the end.Ex-Fundie Diaries2024-10-01 | Four years ago today, I started the Ex-Fundie Diaries channel. I am so grateful for this wild and wonderful journey.
To my longtime subscribers, thank you so much for all of your support! ❤️
To anyone new to my channel, please enjoy this archive of videos and my favorite faith deconstruction resources below.
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, brown hair, and wearing green glasses, talks to the camera in front of a desk with twinkle lights and pictures on the wall.
#LastVideoFunny comment: Ass Shake of the Fatherless ✨Ex-Fundie Diaries2024-07-26 | ...No Contact with my Abusive FatherEx-Fundie Diaries2024-06-16 | ...Fundie Homeschool Debate ClubsEx-Fundie Diaries2024-06-15 | ...Hot, bi, and on antidepressants ✨Ex-Fundie Diaries2024-06-01 | Original sound by @itsqueerchameleon on TikTok!Christian Summer Camp | Vacation Bible School (V.B.S.)Ex-Fundie Diaries2024-05-26 | Vacation Bible School (VBS) is a christian summer camp that many evangelical kids attend. In this video, I share a home movie of a VBS performance I was in in July of 1994.
Image description: In the intro, Elly talks to the camera in front of a desk with flowers, candles, and pictures on the wall. Elly is white with brown eyes and brown hair and is wearing green glasses and a teal tank top. The rest of the video is a home movie of a group of kids dressed in different shades of purple performing on a church stage.
#Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #ChildIndoctrination #HomeMovieDear Lord, forgive me for masturbating 🙏🏻 #PurityCultureEx-Fundie Diaries2024-05-18 | ...Worship Dance: Fundies Dancing for the LordEx-Fundie Diaries2024-05-13 | This video is about my experience doing worship dance as a homeschooled fundamentalist christian teenager.
[Timestamps] 00:00 - A worship dance I remember 01:02 - Modest culty tunics 03:28 - Christian dance studio 05:25 - Veggie tales dance 07:22 - Pro-dance for the Lord 12:50 - My love of dance continues
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes and brown hair in a ponytail, is wearing a black cropped tank top and green shorts and talking to the camera while standing in a bedroom with twinkle lights, a bookshelf, and a black dog on a bed.
#Exvangelical #PurityCulture #ReligiousTrauma #FundieSnark#OperationOliveBranch ❤️Ex-Fundie Diaries2024-05-09 | ...Reconnecting with my MomEx-Fundie Diaries2024-05-07 | This video is about reconnecting with my mom. I have turned the comments off because it is a deeply personal and sensitive topic for me. I do want to share my experience, but respectfully- I am not open to negative feedback on this particular video. Thank you for understanding ❤️
Content warning: brief mentions of religious trauma, child ab*se, and DV
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes and brown hair, is wearing blue scrubs and green glasses and talking to the camera on a sunny neighborhood walk.Private Christian School #ReligiousTraumaEx-Fundie Diaries2024-03-19 | ...More Thoughts on Dav’s DeconstructionEx-Fundie Diaries2024-03-14 | Take a walk with me as I share more thoughts about Dav's faith deconstruction and his mixed-faith marriage with Bethany from Girl Defined.
Content warning: religious trauma, including discussions of hell
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Dav's deconstruction cinematic universe 03:11 - The doctrine of hell & losing my best friend 11:33 - Bethy and Dav's mixed-faith marriage
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes and brown hair, is taking a walk on a sunny evening while wearing green glasses and maroon scrubs.
#GirlDefined #Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #FaithDeconstructionReacting to Fundie Fridays Reacting to Davs DeconstructionEx-Fundie Diaries2024-03-10 | This is a reaction video to a reaction video! Dav, the husband of Bethany from Girl Defined, is deconstructing his faith. Fundie Fridays shares their thoughts about it, and I share mine!
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Intro 02:37 - Reaction
Image description: Jen and James from Fundie Fridays are on the upper left side of the screen, Bethany and Dav from Girl Defined are on the upper right, and Elly from Ex-Fundie Diaries is in the bottom middle.
#GirlDefined #Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #PurityCulture #Modesty #FaithDeconstruction #ReactionVideoModest is HottestEx-Fundie Diaries2024-01-29 | This is a clip from my first patreon video about the evangelical christian phrase from the early 2000's- "Modest is Hottest."
Image description: A christian music video called "Modesty is Hottesty" is playing. Elly, who is white with brown eyes and brown hair, wears an orange sweater and green glasses while lip syncing and doing silly dance moves to the song.
#PurityCulture #ReligiousTrauma #Exvangelical #ModestyChristian Erotica for Holy Masturbation: Marriage HeatEx-Fundie Diaries2024-01-01 | This video is about Marriage Heat, a christian erotica website that encourages "biblical hot monogamy." I share my thoughts on the website as well as my experiences with masturbation after growing up in purity culture.
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Christian erotica excerpt 01:48 - Purity culture and masturbation 04:43 - Marriage Heat website 11:28 - Loopholes: porn and technical virginity 14:36 - "A culture of biblical hot monogamy" 16:53 - Announcement: Patreon and new channel
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes and brown hair, is wearing green glasses and a teal long-sleeve shirt. Behind Elly is a desk with a small plant and pictures and twinkle lights on the wall.
#PurityCulture #Exvangelical #ReligiousTraumaSharing a message from Bisan Owda ❤️Ex-Fundie Diaries2023-12-10 | I’ve shared support for Palestine on TikTok and Instagram but have struggled to know what to share on my YouTube account. I’ve decided I just want to amplify Bisan Owda’s voice. She is a very brave Palestinian filmmaker, and I have thought often about her message in this video. It says everything I’d want to say.
Also, thank you to @DamonGarcia for the reminder yesterday that “we don’t have to be educational in order to speak up.”
#FreePalestine #CeaseFireNowA Painful Breakup & Learning to Be Alone | Ex-Fundie Diaries VlogEx-Fundie Diaries2023-11-20 | I’m going through a rough time right now. Here’s a little update; thanks for watching ❤️
00:00 - Stepping out of my comfort zone 02:10 - Mental health meds + a new job 05:21 - A painful breakup 07:15 - Learning to be alone
Imagine description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes and brown hair, is wearing green glasses and sitting in a carI tried my first pole dance class | Ex-Fundie Diaries VlogEx-Fundie Diaries2023-09-01 | This video is a vlog about trying my first pole dance class.
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Before the class 06:02 - After the class
Image description: Elly is white with brown eyes and brown hair. They are wearing green glasses and a pink tank top, talking to the camera in their car.
#Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #Modesty #PurityCulture #PoleDance #VlogEx-Fundie Dating | Shame, Anxious Attachment, & Self-LoveEx-Fundie Diaries2023-08-24 | This video is about my experience with shame and anxious attachment in dating and how I'm working on self-love and self-acceptance.
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Living with my mom 01:09 - Dating for the first time 06:24 - Anxious attachment 08:58 - Shame from childhood 13:20 - Self-love and self-acceptance
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes and brown hair, is wearing a blue tank top and sitting in front of a desk as they talk to the camera. In the background there is a string of lights, art on the wall, and a green plant with small bisexual and genderqueer flags.
#Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #AttachmentStyles #AnxiousAttachment #Dating #Shame #MentalHealth #QueerQ&A | Favorite TV Shows, Job Update, Defining my Gender, and MoreEx-Fundie Diaries2023-06-15 | This video is a Q&A! I answer questions about my favorite TV shows and music, mental health, my vet receptionist job, growing up fundie, my gender exploration, and more.
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Favorite movies & TV shows 04:37 - Favorite songs & music artists 06:14 - What brings me joy 07:00 - How I'm doing mentally, emotionally & spiritually 11:04 - Would I ever collaborate with Fundie Fridays 12:18 - My vet receptionist job 17:02 - Do I still journal 18:35 - Would I ever write a book 21:15 - Childhood chaos: fundie upbringing vs. parents' problems 27:26 - Defining my gender
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes and brown hair, is wearing a blue t-shirt and sitting in front of a desk as they talk to the camera. In the background there is a string of lights, art on the wall, and a green plant with small bisexual and genderqueer flags.
#Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #MentalHealth #Queer #NonBinaryShiny Happy People: Duggar Documentary | Ex-Fundie Diaries ReactionEx-Fundie Diaries2023-06-05 | This video is a reaction to episode 1 of the documentary Shiny Happy People: Duggar Family Secrets.
CW: child abuse, SA, christian patriarchy, religious trauma
[Timestamps] Introduction: 00:00 Doc Reaction: 01:04 Final thoughts: 30:13
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes and brown hair, is wearing a brownish green tank top sitting on a couch as they talk to the camera. Behind them to the right are twinkle lights draped against the wall and a desk. On the desk is a green potted plant with two small pride flags sticking out of the pot: bisexual and genderqueer. There is also a small video of a tv playing the documentary in the upper right hand corner.
#Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #DuggarFamily #ShinyHappyPeople #Documentary #ReactionVideo #IBLP #BillGothard #ChristianPatriarchy #GenderRoles #Homeschool #ExFundie #ExChristian #FundieSnarkI Was Groomed as a Teen by a Christian ManEx-Fundie Diaries2023-04-06 | This video is about how I was groomed as a teen by a Christian man in my homeschool community. I share how it started, how the process was interrupted, and the aftermath of the experience.
CW: grooming, SA, DV, emotional & psychological abuse
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a desk as they talk to the camera. Their short brown hair is in a pony tail, and they are wearing a pink sweatshirt. In the background there is a string of lights, a green plant with small bisexual and genderqueer flags, and a vase of flowers on the desk.Dear Future Husband: An Original Song about Gender Roles & Purity CultureEx-Fundie Diaries2023-02-14 | In this video, I share an original song I wrote from the perspective of my younger self while growing up in purity culture and the gender roles of christian fundamentalism. I explain the term "helpmeet" and how I practiced for that role as a young single person. I also read a portion from "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge.
Closed captions coming soon!
CW: purity culture, christian patriarchy, religious trauma
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Intro: gender roles & purity culture 02:20 - Dear Future Husband original song 05:25 - Writing letters to my future husband 08:35 - Practicing to become a "helpmeet" 12:17 - "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge 19:20 - Unlearning damaging messages
[Background Music] Title: Hold Your Hand https://www.hooksounds.com
Image description: Elly is white with brown eyes and brown hair. In the discussion part of the video, they are wearing a pink t-shirt while sitting on the couch next to their dog, Nova- a black beagle/lab mix. During the song portion, they are wearing a maroon sweater while playing guitar and singing into a tabletop microphone.
#OriginalSong #Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #PurityCulture #ChristianPatriarchy #Helpmeet #Captivating #ExFundieLibrarySomeone I Knew Went to a Duggar Wedding 💍🍰Ex-Fundie Diaries2022-12-25 | In this short, I share how a family I grew up with attended a Duggar wedding- a great example of fundie homeschool networking.
#DuggarFamily #FundieSnark #Exvangelical #PurityCulture #CultCreepy Christian Kids Show: Quigley’s Village (Christmas Episode)Ex-Fundie Diaries2022-12-23 | In this video, my sibling Annie and I react to the Christmas episode of a creepy christian kids show that we grew up watching called Quigley's Village.
Image description: Two siblings are on a zoom call, reacting to a video. They are both white with brown eyes and brown hair. Annie is wearing a green long-sleeve shirt, and Elly is wearing a purple sweatshirt. Behind each of them are lit up Christmas trees, and there is a fireplace video on the tv over Elly's shoulder.
#Exvangelical #ExChristian #ReligiousTrauma #Reaction #ReactionVideoLeft Behind: The Kids (part 2) | Rapture Horror Story for Christian TeensEx-Fundie Diaries2022-10-31 | This video is part 2 of 2 about the Left Behind: The Kids series by Jerry B. Jenkins and Tim LaHaye. I read two chapters from book 1- "The Vanishings."
CW: racism, child indoctrination, religious trauma, & detailed descriptions of the rapture
Resources to address the way Jerry B. Jenkins and Tim LaHaye handled race in the series, and the way they wrote the character Lionel + his family (and all the other characters):
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Introduction 01:12 - Chapter 7: "Vicki's Sad Awakening" 24:22 - Chapter 10: "Finding Each Other"
[Background Music] Title: Secrets of the Moon https://www.hooksounds.com
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting on a blue couch as she talks to the camera. Their brown hair is down, and they are wearing a rust-colored tank top and a crown made of autumn leaves. The room is softly lit, and there are small pumpkins and flickering candles on a table next to the couch.
#Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #RaptureAnxiety #Rapture #ChristianNationalism #Halloween #BookReview14-year-olds do NOT look 18Ex-Fundie Diaries2022-10-31 | Responding to a comment from my “Left Behind: The Kids” video that says, “‘14 but looked 18’ 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Especially when written by a 1 million year old male pastor lol”Left Behind: The Kids | Rapture Horror Story for Christian TeensEx-Fundie Diaries2022-10-24 | This video is about the Left Behind: The Kids series by Jerry B. Jenkins and Tim LaHaye. I share my experience with rapture anxiety while reading these books growing up fundie. I also briefly discuss the christian nationalism woven into the series, showing clips of one of the authors. Finally, I introduce the four main characters and read a chapter from book 1- "The Vanishings."
CW: christian nationalism, racism, classism, child indoctrination, religious trauma, & detailed descriptions of the rapture
[Video Mentioned] "Halloween is Evil, Demons are Real, and other 'Hocus Pocus' I was Taught to Believe" by Ex-Fundie Diaries: youtube.com/watch?v=oE9Ddpv7pJQ
Resources to address the way Jerry B. Jenkins and Tim LaHaye handled race in the series, and the way they wrote the character Lionel + his family (and all the other characters):
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Left Behind is about "the rapture" 01:47 - Halloween & growing up fundie 03:04 - My experience reading Left Behind 06:26 - Racism & christian nationalism 08:20 - Clips of author Tim LaHaye 13:57 - Meet Judd, "The Runaway" 15:03 - Meet Vicki, "The Rebel" 17:08 - Meet Lionel, "The Liar" 18:42 - Meet Ryan, "The Skeptic" 20:15 - Reading Part 3: "The Morning After"
[Background Music] Title: Secrets of the Moon https://www.hooksounds.com Title: Deep Stare https://www.hooksounds.com Title: Something is Coming https://www.hooksounds.com Title: Nightly Chimes https://www.hooksounds.com
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a table as she talks to the camera. Their brown hair is down, and they are wearing an orange tank top sweater and an a crown made of autumn leaves. The room is softly lit, and there are small pumpkins and flickering candles on the table.
#ChristianNationalism #ReligiousTrauma #RaptureAnxiety #Rapture #Exvangelical #Halloween #LeftBehind #BookReviewDBT & Distress Tolerance | Coping with Emotions During SeparationEx-Fundie Diaries2022-10-17 | This video is about starting DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and learning distress tolerance skills. Since I am going through a separation, my emotions are more intense and overwhelming than ever. I share how I am coping despite what I was taught about feelings growing up in christian fundamentalism.
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Distress tolerance for going through a separation 02:20 - How I was taught about emotions growing up 04:19 - DBT, CBT, EMDR, & group therapy 06:36 - Workbook intro: big feelings and childhood trauma 10:48 - Workbook exercise: write down 3 unhealthy behaviors 14:56 - Workbook section: there is hope 15:48 - A sunny fall hike with Nova
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting on a blue couch as she talks to the camera. Their brown hair is down, and they are wearing a dark green t-shirt. Next to her on the table are two little pumpkins and a lit candle. During the intro, there are a few clips of Elly crying. The last couple minutes are clips of Elly and their dog Nova (a beagle/lab mix with black fur) hiking on a fall day.
#Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #DialecticalBehaviorTherapy #DBT #DistressTolerance #CopingSkills #MentalHealth #SelfLove #CPTSD #Separation #Divorce #BreakUp #RelationshipSongs I Wrote as a Fundie Kid | The Religious Trauma of Evangelizing Loved OnesEx-Fundie Diaries2022-10-09 | In this video, I sing and read songs I wrote while growing up in christian fundamentalism. I share what it was like to have a worship pastor dad and about the burden I felt to evangelize my loved ones so they wouldn't go to hell.
CW: child indoctrination, religious trauma, pet sickness & death, child ab*se
[Timestamps] 00:00 - My 2nd grade to 8th grade songbook 01:30 - Song #1: "Just You and Me" (worship) 04:30 - Growing up with a worship pastor dad 06:28 - Leading family members in the sinner's prayer 09:14 - Song #2: "Please Consider This" (evangelism) 12:18 - The burden of evangelizing loved ones 14:16 - Song #3: "He's Knocking at Your Heart" (evangelism) 16:40 - My guinea pig being put to sleep 20:39 - Song #4: "The Lord Protect You and Keep You" (grief) 22:18 - Song #5: "The Trial I'm Goin' Through" (lament) 23:59 - Song #6: "Dear Mom and Dad" (anti-college) 27:02 - Song #7: "Love You So?" (kissing/love song) 28:48 - Song #8: "Make Me Forget" (sin/shame) 29:30 - Fear of hell creates religious trauma
[Background Music] Title: Hold Your Hand https://www.hooksounds.com
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a desk as she talks to the camera. Their brown hair is down, and they are wearing a yellow flannel. On the desk is a green plant, a small bisexual flag, a lit candle, and a garland of orange and red leaves. The room is softly lit, and there is a string of twinkle lights hanging against the wall.
#Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #ChildhoodTrauma #ExHomeschooler #CultSurvivorFundie Motherhood | My Postpartum Body Image Experience + Paul and Morgan Having a BabyEx-Fundie Diaries2022-09-29 | This video is about my experience with fundie motherhood and my struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, shame, fear, loneliness, and postpartum body image issues. I also share some thoughts on Paul and Morgan having a baby, the ways I relate to Morgan, and my complicated relationship to fundie snark.
CW: religious trauma, christian patriarchy, body image issues, diet culture, and mentions of body weight, shape, & size.
[Video Mentioned] "Therapist Reacts: Paul & Morgan Saying Fatphobic Things" by Mickey Atkins: youtube.com/watch?v=IMV-OPvly-A
Disclaimer: When talking about PCOS at 20:38, I am sharing my experience with this disorder. I totally understand and respect if your experience is different. For anyone wanting to learn more about PCOS, here are a couple links:
[Timestamps] 00:00 - "Fundie Motherhood" as a construct 01:03 - Thoughts on Paul and Moran having a baby 07:27 - Postpartum body image issues & diet culture 10:26 - Being overwhelmed with early parenthood 13:20 - Daddy issues and charismatic faith 16:33 - Perfectionism and mental gymnastics 19:11 - PCOS, pressure to be thin & disordered eating 25:24 - Loneliness, anxiety & shame 29:58 - Final thoughts and future videos
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting on a blue couch as she talks to the camera. Their brown hair is in a ponytail, and they are wearing maroon shorts with a brown belt and a floral yellow tank top tucked in. Next to her on the couch is Nova- a beagle/lab mix with black fur. Throughout the video, there are a few screenshots and pictures to illustrate Elly's points, and they read from a red journal that has "faith" written on the front.
#Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #ChristianPatriarchy #PurityCulture #Quiverfull #Cult #BodyImage #DietCulture #Queer #FundieSnark #PaulAndMorganSibling Sleepover | Songs & Stories from the Fundie Days [full video: @jesusismygirlfriend]Ex-Fundie Diaries2022-09-23 | This video is a trailer for a conversation with my sibling Annie from @jesusismygirlfriend about our relationships to music and our progression from fundie hymns to secular music. We also share a guitar cover. You can watch the full video here: youtube.com/watch?v=r1Dqlw1yk8g
Image description: Two siblings are sitting on a blue couch together with a string of twinkle lights against the wall behind them. Annie is on the left. They are white with brown eyes and wavy brown hair and are wearing a blue floral button up shirt. Elly is on the right. She is white with brown eyes and brown hair in an updo, and they are wearing a flowy green top.
#Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #PurityCultureReligious Trauma Air Quote Poetry ✨🍃 #ShortsEx-Fundie Diaries2022-08-28 | Apparently, I use a lot of air quotes in my videos! I've been wondering how it would sound if I strung some of those moments together with no context. The result is this wacky, religious trauma-themed air quote poetry.
Image description: The background of this video is purple, and there is white lettering at the top of the screen that says "Air Quote Poetry.” In the middle of the screen are clips of Elly in past videos, gesturing with air quotes. Elly is white with brown eyes and brown hair.
#Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #PurityCultureQ&A | How I Met and Married My Husband + Relationship UpdateEx-Fundie Diaries2022-08-24 | This video is a Q&A about my husband - how we met & got married, and an update about our relationship.
[Videos about my Marriage] "Religious Sexual Shame | My First Kiss at the Altar & Vaginismus After Saving Sex for Marriage" by Ex-Fundie Diaries: youtube.com/watch?v=qvPRPcEXy0M "My Quiverfull Cult Experience as a Daughter, Wife, and Mother" by Ex-Fundie Diaries: youtube.com/watch?v=p5kO3tUe-s0 "Q&A | What I Believe Now & Life after Faith Deconstruction: Marriage, Parenting, Family, and Friends" by Ex-Fundie Diaries: youtube.com/watch?v=U70FKAob9bA "My Parents Crashed My Honeymoon" by Ex-Fundie Diaries: youtube.com/shorts/vQDhPWLMcZk
[Timestamps] 00:00 - My husband and I are separated 02:09 - How we met & started dating 06:14 - How we got married
[Background Music] Title: The Key to Love hooksounds.com
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is wearing a light purple t-shirt and blue shorts. Her brown hair is in a pony tail. They are sitting on the floor against a blank wall next to their dog Nova, who is laying on a cushion. Nova is a beagle/lab mix with black fur and a white diamond on his chest. As Elly talks to the camera, she pets Nova.Sibling Dynamics in Our Fundie Homeschool Family | Rivalry, Rebellion & ParentificationEx-Fundie Diaries2022-08-21 | In this video, I chat with my sibling Annie @jesusismygirlfriend about our dynamics growing up homeschooled in our christian fundamentalist family. We share stories about both our rivalry and our creativity together, how I was parentified, and how Annie rebelled. We also reflect on how our upbringing affected our relationship and how far we've come as individuals and siblings.
CW: child abuse and neglect, parentification, domestic violence, religious trauma
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Annie's new YouTube channel 02:28 - Being creative together 08:18 - Conflict, tension, and rivalry 30:26 - Annie's rebellion & Elly's parentification 51:53 - Reflecting on how far we've come
[Background Music] Title: Great Possibilities https://www.hooksounds.com
Image description: Two siblings are talking with each other on a zoom call. Annie, who is on the left, is white with brown eyes and long, wavy brown hair. They are wearing a grey short-sleeve sweater and sitting in front of a green wall with shelves, a world map, and posters. Elly, who is on the right, is white with brown eyes and straight shoulder-length brown hair. They are wearing a green t-shirt and sitting in front of a plant and some twinkle lights. The background of the zoom call is a picture of a bookcase full of books. There are clips and screenshots throughout the video.
#Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #CultSurvivor #ChildIndoctrination #Homeschool #ExHomeschooler #ChristianPatriarchy #PurityCultureChristian Nationalist Propaganda | My 9th Grade Homeschool Anti-Abortion PaperEx-Fundie Diaries2022-08-03 | This video is about the christian nationalist propaganda I was raised with and my anti-abortion childhood indoctrination. As an example, I read an anti-abortion paper I wrote in 9th grade homeschooling.
CW: christian nationalism, christian patriarchy, racism, white supremacy, anti-Semitism, religious trauma, mental health issues, rape, incest, & forced birth
[Timestamps] 00:00 - My anti-abortion childhood indoctrination 04:25 - White evangelical racism 08:48 - The "color-blind gospel" 11:30 - Randy Alcorn's "Why Pro-Life" & other propaganda 16:40 - My 9th grade anti-abortion homeschool paper 30:13 - Christian nationalism & the religious right
[Background Music] Title: Shiny Life https://www.hooksounds.com
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a desk as she talks to the camera. Their brown hair is down, and they are wearing a blue t-shirt. On the desk are two green plants and a small bisexual flag. There are video clips and screen shots throughout the video.
Image description: Elly (she/they) is white with brown hair and brown eyes. This video is a compilation of her in the present plus home videos of them as a child and teenager. There are four purple titles over a clip of yellow flowers.
Title #1: Sharing stories of... growing up homeschooled in christian fundamentalism
Title #2: Journal entries, home videos, childhood books, & pictures
Title #3: Discussing topics like... faith deconstruction, PTSD & anxiety, purity culture, christian nationalism, child indoctrination, patriarchy, bi visibility, religious trauma
Title #4: Please like & subscribe
#Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #BiVisibility #PurityCulture #CultSurvivorChristian Dating vs. Courtship | The Duggars & I Kissed Dating GoodbyeEx-Fundie Diaries2022-07-23 | This video is about christian dating versus christian courtship from the perspective of an ex-fundie. I share four differences between the two approaches, my parents' reasons for not allowing me to date, and the courtship advocates who influenced them, including the Duggar family and "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. I also talk about growing up in purity culture and christian patriarchy.
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Courtship versus Christian dating 02:47 - Difference #1: Asking the dad permission 04:28 - Difference #2: Chaperones & emotional purity 06:50 - Difference #3: Physical boundaries 08:48 - Difference #4: Courtship breakups are scandals 10:07 - "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris 11:36 - "Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship" by Joshua Harris 15:16 - Courtship advocates that influenced by parents 16:47 - Dads are the authority in christian patriarchy
Image Description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a desk as she talks to the camera. Their brown hair is down, and they are wearing a purple t-shirt. On the desk are two green plants, a small bisexual flag, and a lit candle. There are video clips and screen shots throughout the video.
#PurityCulture #ReligiousTrauma #Exvangelical #ChristianDating #Courtship #ChristianPatriarchy #ChristianFundamentalism #Quiverfull #Cult #CultSurvivor #ExHomeschooler #Duggars #19KidsandCounting #CountingOn #FundieSnark #StayAtHomeDaughters #VirginDaughtersMy AWANA Experience Part 2: Sexism, Purity Culture, & Being Shamed by LeadersEx-Fundie Diaries2022-07-16 | This video is part 2 about my experience as a teenage homeschooled AWANA member. I share stories of being shamed by leaders, purity culture, sexist bullying, and friendship loss.
CW: religious trauma, public shaming, sexism & sexist bullying
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Introduction & context 01:00 - Being shamed at a parent appreciation dinner 07:10 - Purity culture, courtship, & friendships with boys 12:01 - Being shamed for "the appearance of evil" 16:33 - Sexist bullying & losing a friend 23:35 - Am I still in contact with the AWANA kids?
Image Description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a desk as she talks to the camera. Their brown hair is half up half down, and they are wearing a black tank top. On the desk are two green plants, a small bisexual flag, and a lit candle. There are AWANA home movie clips in the intro and outro of the video.
#AWANA #Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #PurityCulture #Sexism #ChristianPatriarchy #Cult #ExHomeschoolerChildhood Signs of My Bisexuality | Bi Erasure in Christian FundamentalismEx-Fundie Diaries2022-06-22 | This video is about the bi erasure I experienced growing up in Christian fundamentalism. I share the queerphobic teachings of my homeschool community and three childhood signs of my bisexuality that I wasn't able to recognize until adulthood.
CW: bi erasure, queerphobia, misogyny, & religious trauma. Also, grooming + sexual assault in a book series from 12:35 - 17:09.
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Bi erasure in christian fundamentalism 03:17 - Childhood sign #1: Age 4 07:43 - Childhood sign #2: Age 13 12:34 - Childhood sign #3: Age 16/17 [CW: grooming + SA] 17:09 - Bi & Queer people are valid!
Image Description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a desk as she talks to the camera. Their brown hair is down, and they are wearing a black tank top and a flower crown in the bisexual flag colors. On the desk are two lit candles, two green plants, and a small bisexual flag. Throughout the video, there are screenshots and video clips to illustrate her points. There is also a short clip at the end of their dog Nova (a black Beagador) on a walk.
#Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #BiVisibility #QueerHappy Pride Month 🏳️🌈 My Pronouns are She/They 💕 #ShortsEx-Fundie Diaries2022-06-14 | Happy Pride Month! I wanted to let you know that my new pronouns are she/they.
Here is a wonderful video that helped give me the courage to take this personal step:
Thanks so much for watching, and I'll see you in the next video! :)
Image description: Elly is white with brown eyes and brown hair. Her face fills up the screen as they talk to the camera.
#LGBTQ #Queer #Pronouns #Exvangelical #ReligiousTraumaChristian Nationalist Child Indoctrination Cult | AWANA: Approved Workmen Are Not AshamedEx-Fundie Diaries2022-05-21 | This video is about AWANA, a fundamentalist Christian program for children that I was apart of growing up. Using videos to explain, I share my perspective looking back on it now: that AWANA is actually a christian nationalist child indoctrination cult.
CW: white supremacy, racism, queerphobia, transphobia, religious trauma, & the U.S. capitol insurrection
[Content Mentioned] “'We the People' - the three most misunderstood words in US history | Mark Charles | TEDxTysons” by TEDx Talks: youtube.com/watch?v=HOktqY5wY4A&t=1s “Stand-up Comedy | AWANA, Christianity, and Cults | Chelsea Burns” by Chelsea Burns: youtube.com/watch?v=OzsZ_7TRTms
[Christian Nationalism Videos] "Christian Nationalist Propaganda | Inside my Homeschool "Science" Binder" by Ex-Fundie Diaries: youtube.com/watch?v=ewalmJTZ7wU "The War on Christmas | Christian Nationalism During the Holidays 🎄" by Ex-Fundie Diaries: youtube.com/watch?v=CGNK_GVKcw0
[Timestamps] 00:00 - My AWANA experience 01:25 - Approved workmen are not ashamed 03:49 - AWANA flag, pledge, and theme song 05:36 - Christian nationalist child indoctrination cult 07:00 - Original curriculum [CW: racism & white supremacy] 09:39 - Evangelism, scripture memorization, & awards 11:06 - Biblical worldview [CW: queerphobia & transphobia] 11:55 - Training soldiers in the Lord's army 13:18 - The Christian flag [CW: U.S. capitol insurrection] 14:38 - Presentation by an AWANA leader 23:23 - Fundies trying to define "fun" 24:57 - AWANA stand-up
[Background Music] Title: Presents to Everyone hooksounds.com
Image Description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a desk as she talks to the camera. Her brown hair is down, and she is wearing a white button-up shirt. On the desk are a lit candle, two green plants, and a small bisexual flag. Throughout the video, there are screenshots and video clips to illustrate her points.
#AWANA #Exvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #Cult #ExHomeschoolerEmotionally Manipulative Christian Kids Show: The Donut Man (Easter Episode)Ex-Fundie Diaries2022-04-17 | This video is about a christian fundamentalist kids show that I grew up watching called The Donut Man. I explain the basic premise and core messages of the show before going through the entire “Resurrection Celebration” episode.
CW: grief, emotional manipulation, & religious trauma, including discussions of the crucifixion & sin nature.
Subtitles are coming soon!
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Growing up watching Donut Man 03:01 - The Resurrection Celebration 07:19 - Bonnets, puppets, & gender roles 10:14 - The easter story is about Jesus 17:18 - Grief & emotional manipulation 23:13 - Life without god’s love is like a donut
Image Description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a desk as she talks to the camera. Her shoulder-length brown hair is down, and she is wearing green t-shirt. On the desk are two lit candles, two green plants, and a small bisexual flag. Throughout the video, there are clips of The Donut Man TV show.
#ReligiousTrauma #ExvangelicalKissing Dreams & How I Learned about Sex | Growing Up in Purity CultureEx-Fundie Diaries2022-04-01 | This video is about my experiences growing up in purity culture- the shame I felt at being interested in kissing, sex, and romantic relationships, and the way my repressed feelings and curiosities surfaced in my dreams. I share how I first learned about PIV sex on accident as well as my parents' rules about courtship and their love for "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." I also briefly discuss why I am passionate about comprehensive sex education beginning in childhood (and why this is a fundie parent's nightmare.)
Editor's note: At 17:44, I said that I was taught the mechanics of PIV sex. I'd like to clarify that I was given a very minimal description. As a virgin on my wedding day, I still had unanswered questions.
CW: religious trauma, including discussions of the rapture
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Growing up in purity culture 01:59 - Comprehensive sex education 03:19 - How I learned about PIV sex 10:45 - My "rebellious year" & my "testimony" 14:11 - Asking questions & feeling shamed 16:43 - Dream #1: Sex dream with a girl 18:11 - Dream #2: Rapture kissing dream 21:51 - Courtship & I Kissed Dating Goodbye 26:57 - Dream #3: Getting married at 13 31:51 - A quick "paws" for dog content
Image Description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a blank wall as she talks to the camera. Her shoulder-length brown hair is down, and she is wearing a dark blue sweater. To her left is the corner of a desk that holds green plants and a small bisexual flag. Throughout the video, there are screen shots and clips that correspond with the content mentioned.
#ReligiousTrauma #Exvangelical #IKissedDatingGoodbye #ChristianCourtship #ChristianPatriarchy #BiVisibility #PurityCultureQ&A | Religious Trauma, LGBTQ+ Issues, Self-Help Resources, & My DogEx-Fundie Diaries2022-03-22 | This video is a Q&A. I answer questions about growing up homeschooled, religious trauma, agnostic atheism, LGBTQ+ issues, and various other topics. I also share lots of content and self-help resources.
CW: homophobia, transphobia, biphobia, racism, white supremacy, anti-Semitism, religious trauma, & mental health issues.
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Content warnings & introduction 00:52 - How did my parent restrict the books I read when I was homeschooled? Did I read voraciously? 08:13 - Did I ever go to church camp as a kid? If so, did I ever have one of those intense "final night of church camp" experiences involving rededicating my life? 13:36 - What was the one thing that felt the best to reclaim power over and let myself do when I began my deconstruction process? 15:28 - Have I had trouble letting go of the fear of hell? 17:17 - Do I find myself judging people based on my old beliefs? 18:30 - Do I have any thoughts on how fundamentalist Christianity hurts cisgender men? 23:06 - Why do I say I’m an agnostic atheist? 24:56 - What are my thoughts on other religions? 29:26 - Did I find it a struggle to change my mindset about queer/trans issues after leaving religion? 33:34 - How has my journey with discovering/exploring my sexuality changed, if at all? Do I still find that my old views come in the way of acceptance? 37:20 - Addressing an old video: bisexuality & "straight-passing relationships." 43:33 - What are my favorite self-help resources? 47:22 - How did I get started doing this channel and pick these topics to talk about? 50:25 - Who’s your cute pup back there / what kind of dog is he?
Image Description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a blank wall as she talks to the camera. Her shoulder-length brown hair is down, and she is wearing a light purple shirt. To her left is the corner of a desk that holds green plants and a small bisexual flag. Throughout the video, there are screen shots and clips that correspond with the content mentioned. During Elly’s answer to the last question, there are videos and pictures of her dog, Nova. He looks like a mini lab and is black with a white diamond on his chest, wearing a blue collar.Redeeming Love (part 3): Misogynistic Messages & Controlling Christian Creeps | Ex-Fundie LibraryEx-Fundie Diaries2022-02-23 | This video is part 3 of 3 about the Christian romance novel “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers. When I read this book as a teen, I saw it as a beautiful “love story” that ultimately showed god’s love for his people. I now understand that this story was not about love at all. Rather, it is a misogynistic, violent story about abuse and control that can give impressionable teens and young adults a skewed view of themselves, romantic relationships, and their faith- just like it did for me.
Image Description: Elly is white with brown eyes and brown hair. She is sitting in front of a blank wall as she talks to the camera. To her left is the corner of a desk that holds green plants, lit candles, and a small bisexual flag. Her hair is down, and she is wearing a blue top with small white flowers and a white cardigan. There are screen shots throughout the video that correspond to the content mentioned.
#PurityCulture #ChristianPatriarchy #ReligiousTrauma #Exvangelical #ExChristian #RedeemingLove #FrancineRivers #BookReviewHey There, Angel - Redeeming Love Plain White Ts Parody (If Michael Hosea Wrote a Song)Ex-Fundie Diaries2022-02-02 | This video is a “Redeeming Love” parody I wrote of “Hey There Delilah” by the Plain White T’s. It is sung from the perspective of Michael Hosea. I hope that the absurdity of these lyrics (inspired by the plot of the book “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers) will underscore the fact that this is NOT a “love story!” Michael Hosea is a creep, and Angel deserves better.
Part 3 of the book review is coming soon! Thanks so much for watching! :)
Image description: Elly (she/her) is white with brown eyes and straight brown hair. She is wearing a plain white t-shirt tucked into dark jeans with a tan belt. Standing in front of a plain white wall, she is singing and playing her guitar, held up by a brown guitar strap. Sometimes she does goofy dance moves. Throughout the video, there are partly-transparent overlays of clips from the Redeeming Love movie trailers.
#RedeemingLove #SongParody #Exvangelical #ExChristian #ReligiousTrauma #ChristianPatriarchyRedeeming Love (part 2): This Christian Soap Opera Horror Story Wont End | Ex-Fundie LibraryEx-Fundie Diaries2022-01-26 | This video is part 2 of 3 about the Christian romance novel “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers. When I read this book as a teen, I saw it as a beautiful “love story” that ultimately showed god’s love for his people. I now understand that this story was not about love at all. Rather, it is a misogynistic, violent story about abuse and control that can give impressionable teens and young adults a skewed view of themselves, romantic relationships, and their faith- just like it did for me.
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Intro: Comments and content warnings 04:54 - Part Four: Meet Paul, another incel 11:21 - CW: rape and sexual assault 16:11 - Part Five: Michael kidnaps Angel (again) 29:28 - Part Six: Domestic hell & an awful road trip 47:10 - CW: racism, white supremacy, and slavery 51:31 - More evangelical erotica 52:20 - Part Seven: Getting cozy with the Altmans 59:15 - CW: forced abortion and sterilization 01:01:32 - These characters have horrible boundaries 01:13:02 - Miriam is only 16!! Too young to get married!!! 01:17:40 - Part Eight: Angel runs away (again) 01:19:55 - CW: incest 01:22:06 - Weird makeup sex
Image Description: Elly is white with brown eyes and brown hair. She is sitting in front of a blank wall as she talks to the camera. To her left is the corner of a desk that holds green plants, lit candles, and a small bisexual flag. In the first part of the video, she is wearing an olive green blouse and a light gray cardigan, and in the second part, she is wearing a forest green sweater. Both times, her hair is in a ponytail. There are screen shots throughout the video that correspond to the content mentioned.
#PurityCulture #ChristianPatriarchy #ReligiousTrauma #Exvangelical #ExChristian #RedeemingLove #FrancineRivers #BookReviewSexist, Violent Christian Romance Novel + New Movie: Redeeming Love | Ex-Fundie LibraryEx-Fundie Diaries2022-01-18 | This video is about the Christian romance novel “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers, which is now a mainstream movie coming out this Friday, 1/21/22. When I read this book as a teen, I saw it as a beautiful “love story” that ultimately showed god’s love for his people. I now understand that this story was not about love at all. Rather, it is a misogynistic, violent story about abuse and control that can give impressionable teens and young adults a skewed view of themselves, romantic relationships, and their faith- just like it did for me. Thanks so much for watching!
CW: Sexism, misogyny, domestic violence, verbal & emotional abuse, spiritual & psychological abuse, kidnapping, Stockholm syndrome, etc.
[Timestamps] 00:00 - Redeeming Love book + movie 02:41 - My teenage experience reading it 05:13 - Content warning: misogyny & abuse 06:02 - The white perspective of the book 10:04 - The story of Hosea and Gomer 11:27 - Part One: Michael pursues Angel 20:12 - Angel sets boundaries & Michael ignores them 29:30 - Michael's Christian incel rant 33:51 - Part Two: Michael kidnaps Angel 38:17 - Isolation and manipulation 43:26 - Part Three: Evangelical Erotica 47:39 - Michael scares and abuses Angel 51:56 - A super weird sex scene 01:05:06 - Angel runs away & Michael follows her
Image Description: Elly is white with brown eyes and straight brown hair. She is wearing a dark blue sweater and sitting in front of a blank wall as she talks to the camera. To her left is the corner of a desk that holds green plants, lit candles, and a small bisexual flag. There are screen shots and videos throughout the video that correspond to the content mentioned, including clips of the "Redeeming Love" movie trailer.