Esther Perel and Baratunde Thurston Discuss Civic Intimacy on Substack @estherperel

Uploaded February 2026 | Updated September 2026, 6 hours ago

I was delighted to speak with Baratunde Thurston so close to Valentine’s Day. This month, I've been discussing civic intimacy; and in our Substack Live, Baratunde and I celebrated love that exists within communities.

Click here to watch the replay of the full conversation: estherperel.substack.com/?utm_medium=social

Esther Perel and Baratunde Thurston Discuss Civic Intimacy on Substack

$In Loving You, I Learned to Love Myself: Where Should We Begin? With Esther Perel On this weeks episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: She unknowingly changed the course of his life, and hes loved her ever since. Its been decades, and even though he now dates men, he wonders how to live with these feelings of what he calls unrequited love. How do you hold a candle of gratitude for someone who will never know how much they meant to you? Chapters 00:00 What Makes Someone’s Influence Last a Lifetime? 01:02 When Love Isn’t Returned — What Does It Leave Behind? 03:58 How a Childhood Crush Can Shape Who We Become 08:16 Navigating Romantic Relationships 11:19 What Do Our Past Loves Still Teach Us? 13:59 Why Do Old Feelings Resurface Years Later? 16:28 How Gratitude Can Change the Way We See Ourselves 21:05 Self-Discovery Through Unrequited Love 23:14 When Gratitude Becomes Transformation 23:28 What Does It Mean to Be Someone’s Muse? 24:33 Impact of Teaching and Mentorship 25:40 Can Looking Back Help Us Move Forward? 28:52 Loneliness and Inner Strength 30:31 Academic Challenges and Cultural Differences 36:14 Gratitude and Connection 43:16 Final Thoughts and Farewell More, Exclusively on Substack: I’m thrilled to be able to offer expanded show notes for my podcast “Where Should We Begin?” including for the latest episode: “In Loving You, I Learned to Love Myself.” These will be available to all community members during our launch period. After that, they will be available to paid community members. This episode will also feature a Bonus Video: Behind the Session Episode available to my paid Substack Subscribers dropping this Wednesday November 5. Join here: https://estherperel.substack.com About Where Should We Begin?: Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others. About Esther Perel: Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.$

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$On Again/Off Again | Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel On this weeks episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: This is a classic session of Where Should We Begin? Theyve been on and off for almost 20 years. While she takes care of his and their child, she wants to know that hes also there for her. Hes been battling depression for years. And the shame that comes with it. Chapters 01:22 What Brings Them Back Together? 03:30 What Makes Him Shut Down? 05:54 What Happened During His Darkest Years? 11:57 Can She Trust Him Again? 15:16 How Do You Become a Father Without a Model? 18:24 What If He’s Afraid of Failing? 23:37 What Happens When Silence Takes Over? 27:03 Where Did This Fear Begin? 32:46 What Does He Really Want From Them? 38:26 Can He Learn to Receive Love? 43:00 What Does Marriage Say About Our Worth? 45:49 Can Touch Become a Safe Harbor? 48:02 What Changes When You Feel Loved? About Where Should We Begin?: Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others. About Esther Perel: Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or subscribe to her Substack Entre Nous for bonus content.$

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$Does an Unraveling Family Business Mean Losing My Brothers: Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel On this weeks episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: She’s watching the company she co-founded unravel—strained partnerships, family entanglements, and the weight of guilt, anger, and responsibility pulling her in every direction. Now she wants to ask Esther: how can she protect her relationship with her brothers whom shes in business with, but still free herself to move on to what’s next? Chapters 00:00 Introduction and Overview 01:08 The Business Dilemma 05:17 Family Dynamics at Work 09:42 Personal Reflections and Conflicts 12:57 Navigating Professional and Personal Boundaries 22:22 Facing the Reality of Failure 25:07 Realizing the Impact of Language on Accountability 26:09 Balancing Professional and Personal Relationships 27:48 Navigating Familial Expectations and Professional Roles 30:06 Reflecting on Personal Responsibility and Blame 31:22 Understanding the Influence of Family Dynamics 38:49 Exploring Past Relationships and Personal Growth 43:01 Planning Future Conversations with Family 46:44 Final Thoughts and Next Steps About Where Should We Begin?: Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others. About Esther Perel: Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.$

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$In This Relationship What Is I and What is We? | Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel This is a classic session of Where Should We Begin? Two gay men grew up with traumatic backgrounds, met in college, and immigrated to the US together. Theyve built stability and security, and now one of them longs to go out and have fun, while the other stays home. Chapters 00:00 What Happens When a Couple Reaches a Crossroads? 01:30 Who Are They Beyond the Conflict? 03:36 Where Does the Trauma Begin? 05:35 How Does Childhood Violence Echo Into Adult Love? 07:32 What Happens When Coming Out Isnt Safe? 10:08 What Story Did He Grow Up With? 14:47 Can Closeness and Independence Coexist? 18:03 When Does Freedom Feel Like Rejection? 23:22 Are They Fighting Each Other or Their Parents? 30:09 Why Cant They Escape This Control Cycle? 34:56 Why Does Friendship Feel So Threatening? 40:18 What If Spending Time Apart Strengthened the Relationship? About Where Should We Begin?: Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others. About Esther Perel: Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.$