Why Do I Date People Who Are Unavailable? @estherperel

Uploaded August 2026 | Updated September 2026, 31 minutes ago

Sometimes we choose unavailable people precisely because they are unavailable.
They aren't asking us to fulfill their unlived dreams or to become an extension of them. On this week’s podcast, I meet a woman whose parents have lived through her, and so she chooses partners with whom there will always be a certain distance. Watch on YouTube: youtu.be/7F_0aQTJWRk?si=PFtmZ7U9B9EOSyaR

Why Do I Date People Who Are Unavailable?

The Relationship Between Rules and Repair

$Can I Be The Center of Attention In My Family for Once? | Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel On this weeks episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: With her wedding just weeks away, a young woman calls Esther with a question she’s been carrying for most of her life: how do you allow yourself joy when you’ve learned to make yourself small? Growing up alongside a non-speaking autistic brother taught her to be vigilant, self-effacing, and attuned to everyone else’s needs. Joy and celebration have always come with guilt. As the wedding approaches, those old patterns threaten to keep her on emotional eggshells during one of the most meaningful days of her life. Together, they explore what it means to grow up as the “easy” child, and how claiming space does not betray the people we love, and how she can ask her parents to be present for and with her. Chapters 00:00 Can She Let Herself Feel Happy? 00:28 Is Her Wedding Leaving Her Brother Behind? 02:54 Is This Her Story to Tell Too? 05:12 What Does Growing Up With Disability Teach You? 06:34 Why Does Attention Feel Like Guilt? 09:11 Is Sadness the Same as Guilt? 11:36 When Did She Learn to Make Herself Small? 14:33 Why Wasn’t She Allowed to Be Angry? 17:11 Why Is Everyone Walking on Eggshells? 19:21 What Happens When You Ignore Your Feelings for Years? 22:42 How Do You Stop Freezing? 24:15 How Can the Wedding Actually Be About Her? 26:33 Can a Family Get Stuck Managing One Person’s Emotions? 27:53 Who Supports the Siblings? 29:37 What Happens When Your Needs Never Take Up Space? 34:03 Why Is the Wedding Bringing Everything to the Surface? 38:43 How Do You Finally Talk to Your Parents? 43:12 Can She Let This Day Belong to Her? 45:30 What Is She Finally Allowed to Want? 49:46 Through Catharsis, A New Voice Emerges About Where Should We Begin?: Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others. About Esther Perel: Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or subscribe to her Substack Entre Nous for Bonus Content.$

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Esther Perel Says Help is An Essential Part of Human Connection

$Why Do I Lose Myself in Relationships? Where Should We Begin? With Esther Perel What if Dating Isnt For Me? | Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel On this weeks episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: Shes 26 and has never been in a relationship that made her feel happier or more fulfilled than when shes single. Shes questioning whether being in a relationship is right for her. Esther helps her explore the issues stemming from her childhood, her need for perfection, and how these impact her romantic life. Chapters 00:00 Is Being in a Relationship Right for me? 01:17 What Makes a Relationship Feel Truly Fulfilling? 03:56 Can You Stay Yourself While Loving Someone Else? 06:07 How Does Fear of Rejection Shape Self Worth? 15:23 Where Does the Inner Critic Really Come From? 22:52 Is It Possible to Turn Self Criticism Into Motivation? 26:43 How Is Self Criticism Quietly Shaping Daily Life? 27:45 What Happens When Self Compassion Enters a Relationship? 34:30 Why Does Doing What You Love Feel So Transformative? 35:59 What Makes Starting a New Relationship Feel So Uncertain? 38:32 How Do You Ground Yourself When Anxiety Takes Over? 41:32 Why Is Asking for What You Need So Hard? 43:37 What Does It Really Take to Trust and Risk Love? 47:24 What Does It Mean to Truly Blossom? About Where Should We Begin?: Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others. About Esther Perel: Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.$

Esther Perel on Who You Should Spend the Holidays With

$My Husband Chose His Mother and Didnt Protect Me: Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel On this weeks episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: A married couple arrives at Esther’s office hoping to recover from a devastating rupture with his mother after the birth of their first child. But immediately their session reveals a longer, more complex history of betrayal within their relationship and within his larger family system. Having a child, and experiencing an absolute break from his abusive mother, finally disrupted the toxic dynamics between the couple. Now, as they revisit the moments when she felt most abandoned by him, Esther helps them explore the differences between shame and accountability, the legacy of childhood family systems, and what it takes to truly repair the pain youve caused someone you love. Chapters 00:00 What Happens After Betrayal? 01:24 Can Love Survive Another Betrayal? 03:51 Why Does He Keep Crossing the Line? 05:19 When Does Betrayal Become the Rupture? 07:28 What’s the Difference Between Shame and Guilt? 08:29 Why Did She Start Doubting Herself? 13:29 When You Feel You Can’t Go On 15:41 Can Shame Become Accountability? 21:11 What Did He Learn From His Mother? 25:52 Why Did the Postpartum Moment Change Everything? 28:59 What Happens When You Don’t Know What You Feel? 30:20 How Can Love and Betrayal Coexist? 31:30 What Would Accountability Actually Sound Like? 33:10 Can He Finally Say What He Did to Her? 35:56 What Happens When Her Anger Finally Breaks Through? 36:40 Why Is She Feeling It for Both of Them? 38:06 What Happens When Family Becomes Part of the Betrayal? 40:18 Where Did His Anger Go? 42:25 What Do Feelings Require Us to Do? 47:11 Can There Be Room for Grief? 48:35 What Happens When a Relationship Lives in Secret? 50:02 Can They Still Cross the Bridge? About Where Should We Begin?: Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others. About Esther Perel: Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by subscribing to her Substack Entre Nous for bonus content.$ $Good Relationships Need Better Fights with Priya Parker | Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel On this weeks episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: Conflict is not toxic or immoral. In fact, its generative and the lifeblood of our relationships. It isnt something to avoid. It matters, and it can even bring us closer together. Priya Parker, author of The Art of Fighting, joins Esther to dig into how conflict can be a productive force in our relationships rather than something to fear. Chapters 00:00 Why Do Good Relationships Need Conflict? 02:32 What Comes After The Art of Gathering? 03:18 What If Conflict Means We Care? 05:55 Is Peace Always a Good Thing? 09:51 What Does Healthy Heat Look Like? 12:12 Are You Having the Wrong Fight? 13:42 What Happens When a Friend Goes Silent? 16:55 Can a Grudge Become a Clearing? 21:28 What Is Your Anger Really Asking For? 22:59 Why Do Groups Need Conflict? 24:34 What Are We Really Fighting For? 25:35 Why Do Gatherings Bring Conflict to the Surface? 25:53 Why Do Happy Occasions Spark Fights? 27:20 What Happens When Friendship Stops Feeling Reciprocal? 30:58 Can Love Change How We See the Conflict? 33:22 Can You Say Goodbye and Stay Connected? 35:00 What Happens When Relationships Become Loose Threads? 37:24 What Happens When Esther Calls Anand? 39:55 Can Two Big Careers Share the Spotlight? 43:40 What Can Partners Teach Each Other About Conflict? 48:25 What Makes a Creative Couple Work? 50:24 What Does It Mean to Keep Trying? About Where Should We Begin?: Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others. About Esther Perel: Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or subscribe to her Substack Entre Nous for bonus content.$

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