Uploaded May 2026 | Updated September 2026, 28 minutes ago
On this week's episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: With her wedding just weeks away, a young woman calls Esther with a question she’s been carrying for most of her life: how do you allow yourself joy when you’ve learned to make yourself small?
Growing up alongside a non-speaking autistic brother taught her to be vigilant, self-effacing, and attuned to everyone else’s needs. Joy and celebration have always come with guilt. As the wedding approaches, those old patterns threaten to keep her on emotional eggshells during one of the most meaningful days of her life.
Together, they explore what it means to grow up as the “easy” child, and how claiming space does not betray the people we love, and how she can ask her parents to be present for and with her.
Chapters
00:00 Can She Let Herself Feel Happy?
00:28 Is Her Wedding Leaving Her Brother Behind?
02:54 Is This Her Story to Tell Too?
05:12 What Does Growing Up With Disability Teach You?
06:34 Why Does Attention Feel Like Guilt?
09:11 Is Sadness the Same as Guilt?
11:36 When Did She Learn to Make Herself Small?
14:33 Why Wasn’t She Allowed to Be Angry?
17:11 Why Is Everyone Walking on Eggshells?
19:21 What Happens When You Ignore Your Feelings for Years?
22:42 How Do You Stop Freezing?
24:15 How Can the Wedding Actually Be About Her?
26:33 Can a Family Get Stuck Managing One Person’s Emotions?
27:53 Who Supports the Siblings?
29:37 What Happens When Your Needs Never Take Up Space?
34:03 Why Is the Wedding Bringing Everything to the Surface?
38:43 How Do You Finally Talk to Your Parents?
43:12 Can She Let This Day Belong to Her?
45:30 What Is She Finally Allowed to Want?
49:46 Through Catharsis, A New Voice Emerges
About Where Should We Begin?:
Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others.
About Esther Perel:
Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or subscribe to her Substack Entre Nous for Bonus Content.
On this week's episode of Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel: With her wedding just weeks away, a young woman calls Esther with a question she’s been carrying for most of her life: how do you allow yourself joy when you’ve learned to make yourself small?
Growing up alongside a non-speaking autistic brother taught her to be vigilant, self-effacing, and attuned to everyone else’s needs. Joy and celebration have always come with guilt. As the wedding approaches, those old patterns threaten to keep her on emotional eggshells during one of the most meaningful days of her life.
Together, they explore what it means to grow up as the “easy” child, and how claiming space does not betray the people we love, and how she can ask her parents to be present for and with her.
Chapters
00:00 Can She Let Herself Feel Happy?
00:28 Is Her Wedding Leaving Her Brother Behind?
02:54 Is This Her Story to Tell Too?
05:12 What Does Growing Up With Disability Teach You?
06:34 Why Does Attention Feel Like Guilt?
09:11 Is Sadness the Same as Guilt?
11:36 When Did She Learn to Make Herself Small?
14:33 Why Wasn’t She Allowed to Be Angry?
17:11 Why Is Everyone Walking on Eggshells?
19:21 What Happens When You Ignore Your Feelings for Years?
22:42 How Do You Stop Freezing?
24:15 How Can the Wedding Actually Be About Her?
26:33 Can a Family Get Stuck Managing One Person’s Emotions?
27:53 Who Supports the Siblings?
29:37 What Happens When Your Needs Never Take Up Space?
34:03 Why Is the Wedding Bringing Everything to the Surface?
38:43 How Do You Finally Talk to Your Parents?
43:12 Can She Let This Day Belong to Her?
45:30 What Is She Finally Allowed to Want?
49:46 Through Catharsis, A New Voice Emerges
About Where Should We Begin?:
Every Monday morning, step into the office of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel and listen in as real people in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their stories. From breakups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family, it’s a place to hear our own stories reflected in the lives of others.
About Esther Perel:
Psychotherapist, relationship expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her bestselling books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are global phenomena translated into more than 30 languages. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? which is available on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or subscribe to her Substack Entre Nous for Bonus Content.
