Uploaded September 2011 | Updated September 2026, 6 hours ago

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AN URGENT APPEAL

Von Helton needs your help

He desperately needs a slim, attractive, petite bisexual woman in her twenties who has a friend that is also in her twenties and is slim and petite and bisexual and he needs them to come and live with him (like that's not every heterosexual man's wildest fantasy)

The lucky woman, or women, will live with him and his wife in his single trailer out in the woods and must be willing to change her name to Von Helton, must be conservative, like looking after children pro-life (because a someone who is pro-choice might want to abort kids) and they need to be pro-gun because, and I am not making this up, he actually says this, it might not be safe living in the woods with him.

If you want to take up his offer he will need to run a background check on you to make sure you are not mental (although personally I would have thought this was a prerequisite condition) or are on the run from the law (which is the only other reason I could possibly think for anyone taking him up on the offer), afterall he did a full background check on his wife before he let her move in.

No seriously, according to his video he did

Apparently the reason that any prospective Mary Poppins needs to be bisexual is because he is also looking for someone to keep his wife company although why he is specifying bisexual and not just plane lesbian I can only guess at (and when I do I have to take a long shower before I feel clean again)

I will let you make your own mind up

Here is Von Helton's video where he makes the request...
youtube.com/watch?v=xRQ51aga0jQ

WARNING -- before watching move away from your desk and sit on your hands. I take no responsibility for any injuries that occur from involuntary head-desks and facepalms

Here is SecularOpinion's video on the subject...
youtube.com/watch?v=1KqW53Pc6qo


NOTE to the vontards

That FBI disclaimer that Von Helton puts at the beginning of all his videos that says "Federal law allows citizens to reproduce, distribute, or exhibit portions of copyrighted motion pictures, video tapes, or video discs under certain circumstances without authorization of the copyright holder. This infringement of copyright is called fair use and is allowed for purposes of criticism, news reporting, teaching, and parody" also applies to this video just as much as it applies to Von Helton's