Uploaded May 2026 | Updated September 2026, 2 weeks ago
Why is it that so many of us are loved... and yet don’t actually feel loved?
Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, Professor of Psychology at UC Riverside and one of the world’s leading researchers on happiness, joins Dr. Michael Gervais for a conversation about her latest book, How to Feel Loved. After 36 years studying what makes a life happy, she has landed on a single, quietly radical idea. Plenty of us are loved. Far fewer of us actually feel it. And the gap between those two is where so much of our quiet loneliness lives. The good news, Sonja argues, is that feeling loved is more under our control than most of us realize.
At the center of the book are five mindsets, and Sonja takes Mike through each one: the sharing mindset, listening to learn, radical curiosity, open heart, and multiplicity. She unpacks the foggy glass metaphor for why being known is the prerequisite for being loved, the Michelangelo effect of helping someone become who they are quietly trying to become, and why approaching a partner of 30 years with wonder is harder, and more important, than it sounds.
They also get practical with the three words people actually want to hear and the research on why we underestimate compliments, deep questions, and the power behind reaching out to old friends. And the surprising data on how acts of kindness can even change gene expression linked to inflammation and immune health.
The conversation widens to bridging political divides, parenting with curiosity rather than judgment, what MDMA research is revealing about how walls come down, and how a relational mindset, not a transactional one, becomes a real competitive edge in an AI-saturated world. Sonja also shares the line the Dalai Lama once said to her that quietly reframes how we treat each other.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why the key to happiness is feeling loved, not just being loved
- The five mindsets from How to Feel Loved (sharing, listening to learn, radical curiosity, open heart, multiplicity)
- Why ‘tell me more’ may be the most loving phrase in the language
- Why curiosity is an act of kindness, and how to deploy it with people you’ve known for decades
- The science behind why acts of kindness can change gene expression
- How to stay open and curious across political, family, and generational divides
Most of us are waiting to feel loved. Sonja shows us how to create the conditions for it... starting today.
CHAPTERS
0:00 Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky Introduction
1:49 Being loved vs. feeling loved
3:38 Why Sonja pivoted from happiness research to love
5:25 Sonja's counterintuitive message: go first, make them feel loved
7:48 The foggy glass metaphor
10:00 The 70% stat & how to actually change the dynamic
12:09 The two mindsets to consider
19:32 Building a curious mindset with people you've known for decades
23:09 The Dalai Lama: "We are each other's mothers."
25:20 All 5 Mindsets: a quick overview
28:48 Acts of kindness, biology, and what happens at the gene level
30:22 The power of compliments and why we withhold them
35:02 The challenge: reach out to 6 people today
39:41 How these mindsets apply to bridging political and social divides
41:02 High performance and love
47:39 Why Sonja researches MDMA & what it reveals about human connection
51:03 Monogamy, non-monogamy, and feeling loved by more than one person
56:11 What is a relational mindset, and who has one?
1:00:31 Applying the mindsets to parenting
1:02:07 How the research has changed how Sonja actually lives
💥 Support our sponsors and get exclusive discounts: findingmastery.com/sponsors
📬 Sign up for the Finding Mastery newsletter: findingmastery.com/newsletter
🧠 Download Dr. Mike’s Morning Mindset Routine: findingmastery.com/morningmindset
This episode is brought to you in part by our partner Sunlighten, the company that has pioneered infrared sauna technology. Go to findingmastery.com/sunlighten to see how you can save up to $2,200 on their mPulse Intelligent Sauna.
#FindingMastery #SonjaLyubomirsky #HowToFeelLoved #DrMichaelGervais #Happiness #Love #Psychology #Relationships #Connection #Curiosity #ActsOfKindness #MentalHealth #HighPerformance #Mindset #Wellbeing #science #selfhelp #scienceoflove
Why is it that so many of us are loved... and yet don’t actually feel loved?
Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, Professor of Psychology at UC Riverside and one of the world’s leading researchers on happiness, joins Dr. Michael Gervais for a conversation about her latest book, How to Feel Loved. After 36 years studying what makes a life happy, she has landed on a single, quietly radical idea. Plenty of us are loved. Far fewer of us actually feel it. And the gap between those two is where so much of our quiet loneliness lives. The good news, Sonja argues, is that feeling loved is more under our control than most of us realize.
At the center of the book are five mindsets, and Sonja takes Mike through each one: the sharing mindset, listening to learn, radical curiosity, open heart, and multiplicity. She unpacks the foggy glass metaphor for why being known is the prerequisite for being loved, the Michelangelo effect of helping someone become who they are quietly trying to become, and why approaching a partner of 30 years with wonder is harder, and more important, than it sounds.
They also get practical with the three words people actually want to hear and the research on why we underestimate compliments, deep questions, and the power behind reaching out to old friends. And the surprising data on how acts of kindness can even change gene expression linked to inflammation and immune health.
The conversation widens to bridging political divides, parenting with curiosity rather than judgment, what MDMA research is revealing about how walls come down, and how a relational mindset, not a transactional one, becomes a real competitive edge in an AI-saturated world. Sonja also shares the line the Dalai Lama once said to her that quietly reframes how we treat each other.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why the key to happiness is feeling loved, not just being loved
- The five mindsets from How to Feel Loved (sharing, listening to learn, radical curiosity, open heart, multiplicity)
- Why ‘tell me more’ may be the most loving phrase in the language
- Why curiosity is an act of kindness, and how to deploy it with people you’ve known for decades
- The science behind why acts of kindness can change gene expression
- How to stay open and curious across political, family, and generational divides
Most of us are waiting to feel loved. Sonja shows us how to create the conditions for it... starting today.
CHAPTERS
0:00 Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky Introduction
1:49 Being loved vs. feeling loved
3:38 Why Sonja pivoted from happiness research to love
5:25 Sonja's counterintuitive message: go first, make them feel loved
7:48 The foggy glass metaphor
10:00 The 70% stat & how to actually change the dynamic
12:09 The two mindsets to consider
19:32 Building a curious mindset with people you've known for decades
23:09 The Dalai Lama: "We are each other's mothers."
25:20 All 5 Mindsets: a quick overview
28:48 Acts of kindness, biology, and what happens at the gene level
30:22 The power of compliments and why we withhold them
35:02 The challenge: reach out to 6 people today
39:41 How these mindsets apply to bridging political and social divides
41:02 High performance and love
47:39 Why Sonja researches MDMA & what it reveals about human connection
51:03 Monogamy, non-monogamy, and feeling loved by more than one person
56:11 What is a relational mindset, and who has one?
1:00:31 Applying the mindsets to parenting
1:02:07 How the research has changed how Sonja actually lives
💥 Support our sponsors and get exclusive discounts: findingmastery.com/sponsors
📬 Sign up for the Finding Mastery newsletter: findingmastery.com/newsletter
🧠 Download Dr. Mike’s Morning Mindset Routine: findingmastery.com/morningmindset
This episode is brought to you in part by our partner Sunlighten, the company that has pioneered infrared sauna technology. Go to findingmastery.com/sunlighten to see how you can save up to $2,200 on their mPulse Intelligent Sauna.
#FindingMastery #SonjaLyubomirsky #HowToFeelLoved #DrMichaelGervais #Happiness #Love #Psychology #Relationships #Connection #Curiosity #ActsOfKindness #MentalHealth #HighPerformance #Mindset #Wellbeing #science #selfhelp #scienceoflove
