trainerlyra | on the way down || shinjiro x minako @trainerlyra3 | Uploaded 6 months ago | Updated 11 hours ago
the usual march 20th vent. please feel free to skip right over. probably, as usual, won't be responding to comments on this.

//

this one is... a little bit different. i started this in january, when i was... well, to be blunt, when i was planning on ending my life. the end quote was there with the intention of this video being a goodbye. i decided to repurpose it, but wanted to keep my original thoughts, so it stays. it fits anyway.

a lot of people think this song is.. ingenuine, i guess, but i've always loved it. maybe that's silly. it made me cry when i first heard it when i was 8. i hadn't lost someone yet, but i just... understood, i guess, the idea of that grief. as i've gotten older, it's become more poignant to me with every loved one who has passed. "i won't forget the way you loved me." i can't forget. i won't.

i miss you so much still, hope. there's not a day that goes by where i don't think of you, even still. i can't believe it's been 5 years. 5 years of not getting to talk to you, 5 years of not seeing you bloom. 5 years of not seeing what you end up getting into, what incredible connection you make to which characters, what you might've ended up doing after you graduated, what you might've wanted to study. what you would've accomplished or wanted or loved.

it feels like a lifetime. 5 years is nearly equal to the time i had you in my life to the time you have been gone. it's a horrible feeling. maybe it seems silly, that someone i knew for such a ""short"" amount of time matters to me this much still, even though you're gone. who knows. all i know is that i loved you and wanted nothing more than to see you blossom. to see you grow and smile and love in return. the time didn't really matter, i guess, when we understood each other the way that we did.

there's still no one i can talk to the way i could talk to you about some things. the things that plagued us, that sat in the corners of my mind... you're someone who understood that side of me. i hate why you did, but at the same time, i was selfishly glad.

i always say i wanted to be, i guess, someone for you to look up to. someone you could see that went through the things you did and still came out okay. i'm finally starting to come to terms with the fact that i failed - and why i failed.

i failed because i still struggle with it, too. wanting to be here. wanting to keep trying. how could you use me as a guide if your guide was always standing on the edge of a cliff looking down? it was an unfair expectation, and i'm sorry. i'm so sorry.

as always, i wish i could have done more. i say it every time, but i mean it. there is no world in which i wouldn't have hopped on a plane to save you. there is no world i wouldn't have offered you my home, my resources, anything, if it meant that you would be here still.

most of all, i hate myself. i hate myself for being so flaky, back then - so wrapped up in my own issues that i was blind to yours. hindsight is 20/20, but the day before, you had messaged me and i'd forgotten to give you a real response. would that have saved you? would you have felt safe enough with me, knowing what i went through, to open up?

it's pointless to think about. you can't change the past. there is no way to go but forward. and i have - even when it's hard. even when it hurts. i got a new job last year. i got diagnosed with something that had been a mystery since i was a kid. i made so many amazing friends last year, because i made a decision to get back into pokemon editing more frequently. you would've loved being there. you would've fit right in. we're reviving pcs again, and i'll be editing one of your ships in your honor, soon. i went to help lena pick out her wedding dress. i wish you could have come. i wish you could have given your input. i have so much i want to tell you. so many life events i wish you had been here for. so many of yours i wished i could've seen. the future just... keeps coming. there's nowhere to step but into it every day.

i'll just always wish we could've stepped into that future together.