Uploaded May 2026 | Updated September 2026, 3 weeks ago

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edit: idk why comments r turned off!! tryna fix it :[

yesterday at midnight i rewatched jacob geller’s the future is an empty room essay again since it was uploaded and i actually cried. it surprised me. a well-paced video essay is a powerful thing, and the last shot in all it’s composition with music passionate performance from jacob geller, the entire culmination of it as art, really got to me.
i want to make things like that.
to help me contextualize my feelings, i felt the need to relisten to bo burnham’s goodbye, look who’s inside again, and that funny feeling, my top favorites of his and a primary media examined in the essay itself. the lattermost song is something i remembered looping while bleeding out on my pillow after my expose and bond mouth surgery sometime in 2021-2022. something i find funny now is that i’m returning to it in another moment of need during my period, however gross and silly it is. it is just something i can laugh to myself about.
my relisten of that funny feeling was instead a recording of me singing, a very confident first take given my history, and it opens with a quote i realized in my midnight moment of clarity:

“i am experiencing a kind of metacontextual commentary on my very existence, and any awkwardness is ok because that is just the context of living.”

listening to those songs and processing my feelings on what i’d just consumed made me realize that the awkwardness and anxiety i felt in my day-to-day wasn’t something that defined me, or something like that. it’s hard to put into words. i’ve known for a long time that my moments of creative expression and personal freedom are worth seeking out and living for that journey. but last night i had a sort of out of body experience, where all my problems didn’t just evade me but didn’t matter because i was something more than they were.

following my moment, i finally decided to take out my roll of accurate height and date references i made for all of my iterator ocs up until gaining ownership of the iambic pentameter in 2023. i haven’t shared this thing at all given the energy it would take to photograph especially in the cinematic way that i’d wanted. so instead i made it kind of goofy to frame the vision in a warmer, more welcoming imperfect light for myself.

the cover that’s playing in the background is my cover of a karaoke version of bo burnham’s goodbye that i recorded in my closet this afternoon (youtube.com/watch?v=vMO0Yw5OnKA).
it’s taken me a while to write and draw for and upload this so that afternoon was a while ago, but in the time of making this i’d proudly like to announce i’ve eaten the banana featured in this video :]. i wasn’t craving it last night. it was the last one too!

i don’t know why the karaoke had a cut in the instrumental. it could’ve been my laggy ass ipad but i’m not too sure and i’m not going to check if it was intended (that’s for you to do if you’d like lol). i don’t remember such a space in the original song, but i think it adds to let the eerieness of this video sink in here. flashlights are signatures of horror games! but i was trying to simulate the spotlight motif in the bo burnham’s inside project these songs come from.
i tried to make a layering harmony for this cover by recording myself singing an octave lower again over the initial (buggged??) recording, but the space in that instrumental fucked me up like 6 different times where i lost track of my timing and octave. instead i kept the og bc it was such a pain LOL.
i find a kind of satisfaction in how the accidental timing of the drumbeats opening the end section of the song lined up with me opening my room’s door. is there a metaphor in there somewhere?
and again, once again, i continue my habit of ending my videos with funny noises.

my moment i experienced in jacob geller’s the future is an empty room does not come easily, and especially not without the context of it being a final send off to the video’s context. it cannot mean the same on it’s own to me, and that is why i am linking the entire project here without timestamping:
youtu.be/F0K2DnI1TDk?si=tFOMxG7FLKcrdz4o

lookat that runtime! in my gallery the video was 1:44, which along with 144 are my lucky numbers :]
i have another video of me folding the goddayumn thing up again, and i thought about adding it onto the end of this one but then it’d mess with the (intended) 1:44 video length. if i post that vid it’d be as a link in this bio because i’d like it to be unlisted :] as a secret :]