trainerlyra | i know you so well || shinjimina @trainerlyra3 | Uploaded 3 years ago | Updated 5 hours ago
old video that i realized i never uploaded. just using it to vent

anyways. can't believe it's been two years, now. two years and i still remember exactly the way i felt that day, when i found out we didn't make it in time. when i found out you were gone.

i miss you more then words can describe. i hate how much of our time together i took for granted. i hate that i wasn't there for you in the way you needed me to be, in the way i would've been had i known. i hate that you probably left this world thinking that all you were was a burden. i hate that you're no longer here for me to tell you how much i love you, how much we all love you, how you made my life brighter just by existing. how you were one of the best friends i've ever had.

how i would've dropped everything to get to you that day. to get you out of that dark place in your mind. but now you're not here, and i can never tell you again, or thank you, or just talk with you.

i think about it so often. how nice it would be, just for one day, to be able to tell you everything. all the things you've missed in the last two years - did you know i got married? did you know i got a new job? did you know cresty died, and todd died, and how i wish you had been there for everything and all of it? how i wish i could've seen you graduate, how i wish i could've watched you grow. how i wish i would've gotten to continue sharing things with you, listening to you talk all day about anything and everything, and how grateful i was that i had met someone like you. even if you were a world away. even if you were still struggling, like i used to.

i can only hope you knew how proud of you i was. how proud of you i still am, that you made it as far as you did. did you know how much you'd be missed? did you know how many sleepless nights i'd spend, wishing that you were still here? did you know that after two years, i'd still miss you just as much as the day you died?

the world keeps moving. time keeps ticking. and i still have to live with the fact that you aren't here. that you don't get to experience change and you won't ever get to know how your own life would've turned out. that i will never get to see you in full bloom.

i don't know. i just miss you. i feel like i say the same things on repeat, every time, but they're still the only thoughts i have. this feeling will never really go away. the hole you left when you killed yourself. the space in my heart that was reserved just for you will always remain that way, i think.

and i'd like to think i'm doing better. that most days, i think of you happily. that i am glad for the time we got to know each other and am grateful for our friendship, even if it was cut short. but sometimes the weight of you is crushing. sometimes it feels like you've taken every bone out of my body and replaced them with acid. sometimes i can't do anything but breathe, and even that can be a struggle.

but even on those days, even today, i am glad we got to experience life together, for however long. that somehow, despite all odds, we got to connect. i'm always so thankful that i had the pleasure of being your friend. i just hope i was as good to you as you were to me.

thank you, hope, for everything. see you again someday.