![Frank Hayes - Cheap Lawyer [HQ] @SongsfromtheStars](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/g_cEbmtV0ks/maxresdefault.jpg)
Uploaded March 2021 | Updated September 2026, 2 hours ago
Don't Ask track 14. Thanks to rocketman0739 for providing high-quality versions of these songs.
Download the album here: archive.org/details/filk_dont_ask
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Lyrics:
Broke I grew in my first year at law school
Broker still in my second year grew
By the time I had earned my diploma
I'd be in debt till 2032
Applied for a job with a big, prestigious law firm
Mene Tekel Upharsin McGee
But they'd give not a cent for my labor
If I can't be respectable, then shyster I shall be!
Chorus:
I am the cheap lawyer!
Mine, contingency fee!
I, the ambulance chaser!
Murray Porath, P.S.C.
Ask a housewife how much two and two is
Without hesitation she'll tell you it's four
Ask an accountant, and he'll say, “I'm fairly certain,
But let me run through those figures once more.”
Ask a doctor, and he'll think about malpractice
And tell you that he's fairly sure at the very least it's three
But ask a lawyer, and he'll lock the doors and draw the curtains
And whisper to you, “How much do you want it to be?”
(Chorus)
Don't Ask track 14. Thanks to rocketman0739 for providing high-quality versions of these songs.
Download the album here: archive.org/details/filk_dont_ask
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lyrics:
Broke I grew in my first year at law school
Broker still in my second year grew
By the time I had earned my diploma
I'd be in debt till 2032
Applied for a job with a big, prestigious law firm
Mene Tekel Upharsin McGee
But they'd give not a cent for my labor
If I can't be respectable, then shyster I shall be!
Chorus:
I am the cheap lawyer!
Mine, contingency fee!
I, the ambulance chaser!
Murray Porath, P.S.C.
Ask a housewife how much two and two is
Without hesitation she'll tell you it's four
Ask an accountant, and he'll say, “I'm fairly certain,
But let me run through those figures once more.”
Ask a doctor, and he'll think about malpractice
And tell you that he's fairly sure at the very least it's three
But ask a lawyer, and he'll lock the doors and draw the curtains
And whisper to you, “How much do you want it to be?”
(Chorus)
![Frank Hayes - Cheap Lawyer [HQ]](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/g_cEbmtV0ks/mqdefault.jpg "Frank Hayes - Cheap Lawyer [HQ]
Dont Ask track 14. Thanks to rocketman0739 for providing high-quality versions of these songs.
Download the album here: https://archive.org/details/filk_dont_ask/
Lyrics:
Broke I grew in my first year at law school
Broker still in my second year grew
By the time I had earned my diploma
Id be in debt till 2032
Applied for a job with a big, prestigious law firm
Mene Tekel Upharsin McGee
But theyd give not a cent for my labor
If I cant be respectable, then shyster I shall be!
Chorus:
I am the cheap lawyer!
Mine, contingency fee!
I, the ambulance chaser!
Murray Porath, P.S.C.
Ask a housewife how much two and two is
Without hesitation shell tell you its four
Ask an accountant, and hell say, “Im fairly certain,
But let me run through those figures once more.”
Ask a doctor, and hell think about malpractice
And tell you that hes fairly sure at the very least its three
But ask a lawyer, and hell lock the doors and draw the curtains
And whisper to you, “How much do you want it to be?”
(Chorus)")
![Julia Ecklar - A Walk Through the Night Side [HQ]](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/gbLIiQkW1z0/mqdefault.jpg "Julia Ecklar - A Walk Through the Night Side [HQ]
Horse-Tamers Daughter track 04. Thanks to rocketman0739 for providing high-quality versions of these songs.
Download the album here: https://archive.org/details/filk_horse-tamers_daughter
Find more of Julia Ecklars excellent music at: https://www.prometheus-music.com/
Lyrics:
Empty street of beads of light,
None spell safety in my sight.
Lend me a knife, lend me a life,
So I can make it home tonight.
(Chorus)
Walk through the night side
Walk like a beast
Stalk like a caveman
Starved rock-bottom changes least
Stalking down the silent stone:
Distance, keep me safe alone,
With a ready grip on a cast-iron strip
Sure as a club of bison bone.
(Chorus)
City jungle: yes, its true,
Thats what cops and robbers do.
Try to get free, thats how to be,
Strong enough to walk it through.
(Chorus)
So come on, junkie, rapist, crook,
Stop and take another look.
Im still alive and mean to survive,
Its all down in Darwins book.
(Chorus)")
![Frank Hayes & Jordin Kare - Little Fuzzy Animals / Little Fuzzy Characters [HQ]](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/hMxonZgm-1k/mqdefault.jpg "Frank Hayes & Jordin Kare - Little Fuzzy Animals / Little Fuzzy Characters [HQ]
Dont Ask tracks 08/09. Thanks to rocketman0739 for providing high-quality versions of these songs.
Download the album here: https://archive.org/details/filk_dont_ask
Lyrics:
When you land on Baileys 7, you may not like what you see—
There are monsters back of every rock and up in every tree
There are demon flies up in the skies and manticores beneath
And theres little fuzzy animals with big sharp teeth!
There are little fuzzy animals,
Little furry animals,
Little fuzzy animals with big sharp teeth!
Now, not all of the monsters there should fill you full of dread
For the demon flies speak English and they love to scout ahead
And the manticores will pull you through the swamp and through the mud
But, the little fuzzy animals will drink your blood!
Yes, the little fuzzy animals,
Little furry animals,
Little fuzzy animals will drink your blood!
When nightfall comes to Baileys, with the darkness growing deep
The music of the jungle night will lull you into sleep
Its so restful and so peaceful that youll never feel the pain
Of the little fuzzy telepaths that eat your brain!
Yes, the little fuzzy telepaths,
Little furry telepaths,
Little fuzzy telepaths that eat your brain!
So, when you go to Baileys now, youll know what lies in store
There are hordes of friendly fiends and gentle monsters there galore
But, with all the cute and furry ones, you know what you must do
Get those little fuzzy buggers before they get you!
Get those little fuzzy buggers,
Get those little furry buggers,
Get those little fuzzy buggers before they get you!
When you sit down at Franks typer, why, you may like what you see.
The screen scrolls up so smoothly as you tap upon the keys.
But when you get a printout, you will fly into a rage
At those little fuzzy characters upon your page.
Those little fuzzy characters,
Little blurry characters,
Little fuzzy characters upon your page.
Ah, but if its Frank thats typing, and youre reading what hes writ,
And the meaning is unclear to you, with words that do not fit,
It isnt that youre foolish, and it isnt that youre dense,
Its those little fuzzy sentences that make no sense.
Those little fuzzy sentences,
Complex compound sentences,
Little fuzzy sentences that make no sense.
Yet if you keep on reading, and you find things coming clear,
And your brain is filled with wonders, with visions new and queer,
Then thats when you should worry, for hes driving you insane
With those little fuzzy paragraphs that rot your brain.
Those little fuzzy paragraphs,
Right-justified paragraphs,
Little fuzzy paragraphs that rot your brain.
So if you see Frank at his typer, it is best you run away
To save your sight and sanity. But if you have to stay
Then pluck the petals from his daisy wheels...coat his disks with superglue...
Get those little fuzzy characters before they get you!")
![Jordin Kare - All Debts Are Paid [HQ]](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/hmdIMZCyBjo/mqdefault.jpg "Jordin Kare - All Debts Are Paid [HQ]
Fire in the Sky track 02. Thanks to rocketman0739 for providing high-quality versions of these songs.
Download the album here: https://archive.org/details/filk_fire_in_the_sky
Lyrics:
I was 19 years when I left my world
I had killed a fool who called me a liar
But I ran for the field and I climbed to space
And I drove for the rim on a starships fire
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
I signed on board the Angels 10
Her captain heard my tale with a sneer
He looked me up and down and said,
“Get aft. You work for the engineer.”
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
Now the engineer was a man named Sket,
He was tall and dark and damned to Hell
A dozen worlds had a price on his head
But he knew stardrives and he knew them well
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
For four long years we cruised the rim
I worked for Sket and slowly learned
Strange worlds we touched, but I seldom saw
For I stayed below where the fusion burned
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
In time Sket told me of all his life
Of stolen ships and wild rides
A hundred tricks a stardrive plays
All this I learned and more besides
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
But fortune scorned the Angels 10
Her captain grew more cold and mean
We carried strange and deadly loads
And the money we saw was seldom clean
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
At last Id had my fill of such
Sket called me son and begged me stay
But I left that ship on the next green world
And I watched her lift from far away
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
The years went by on many ships
My skills were sharp and my conscience clear
I built on Skets foundation
And I rose to the rank of engineer
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
Two years Id served on the Pride of Space
And a finer ship youll never see
When the rumors spread of vanished ships
And the whispered word was piracy
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
We had no warning when they came
Their beam gun fired and fired again
They pierced our hull and the steels deep ring
Was the death song of five honest men
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
But I was aft and did not die
The drives cried out as I pulled away
And I vowed, as I drove across the sky,
That a pirate ship would die that day
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
I was all alone, but it mattered not
That I had no gunner, no guns to wield
For this was never a duel of guns
My weapon was the power of a stardrive field
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
Across full half a million miles
The power of suns bent to my will
To stretch the very shape of space
And kill the ship Id sworn to kill
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
But the pirates own field blocked my thrust
And struck and turned, once and again
And I knew what hand must rule those drives
For the pirate ship was the Angels 10
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
We turned and drove for half an hour
My drives grew hot, and I cursed and swore
For I had skill and speed and power
But Sket had played this game before
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
Then from my screen came Skets own voice
“I do not wish to see you die
But it seems, my son, that I have no choice.”
And my own voice said, “Then nor have I.”
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
Then one last time I drove through night
To live or die, the gods decide
Our drive fields met—all space glowed white
And Skets was the drive that flared and died
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
The Angels 10 hung dead in space
And gave no sign if her crew survived
But I knew if any man could live
That Sket, at least, was yet alive
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
I dared not give them time to work
To make repairs, to fight or run
I towed them just ten trillion miles
And I dropped them into a blue-white sun
When the ship lifts, all debts are paid.
Then at last I drove for a friendly sun
With a crippled ship and this tale to tell
Of a pirate ship that was once my own
And the man I loved and sent to Hell
For when the ship lifts, all debts are paid.")
![Leslie Fish - Robbing the Poor [HQ]](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/hqPTBCVN9iQ/mqdefault.jpg "Leslie Fish - Robbing the Poor [HQ]
Firestorm track 02. Thanks to rocketman0739 for providing high-quality versions of these songs.
Download the album here: https://archive.org/details/filk_firestorm
Find more of Leslie Fishs music at: https://lesliefish.bandcamp.com/
Lyrics:
We see you coming in your pork-pie hat
Bulging briefcase sitting like that
You lean back, smile, and look us down small
And boom out sweetly, Howre you all?
But we know what you are—youre robbing the poor
Clothes, votes, funerals, no matter what
It goes through channels, you take a cut
Youve got your hooks in all over town
The mayor just smiles cause our noise is kept down
But we know what you do—youre robbing the poor
What can we do, where can we go?
It takes much coin to learn how to know
Folks with cash can scratch where they itch
So its not that easy robbing the rich
And theres more profit, too, in robbing the poor")
![Jordin Kare - Song of the Bear II [HQ]](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/jSBWyW68B8o/mqdefault.jpg "Jordin Kare - Song of the Bear II [HQ]
Fire in the Sky track 13. Thanks to rocketman0739 for providing high-quality versions of these songs.
Download the album here: https://archive.org/details/filk_fire_in_the_sky
Lyrics:
Chorus:
Hark to the sound of metal on metal
Drive in the city now if you dare
But beware of the little white three-wheeled go-cart
Beware of the lady with the soul of the bear
Brave young men who drive your Porsches,
BMWs, and the like
Do you not know that you would be better off
Riding a second-hand, three speed bike?
(Chorus)
Favorite commuter, or permanent resident
Little old lady on a Sunday night
Japanese tourist or United States president
None of your cars will get past her alive
(Chorus)
I just had to go to the store for a minute!
She still ignores both truth and lies
Can you not see neath the white crash helmet
A thing not human behind those eyes?
(Chorus)
Mortal man, your meters expired
Plead on your knees and curse and swear
She writes on her pad and she tears off your ticket
Saying, “Lo, I have summoned you, for I am the bear!”
(Chorus)")
![Frank Hayes - Boomer Johnson [HQ]](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/kE7Trej9C_8/mqdefault.jpg "Frank Hayes - Boomer Johnson [HQ]
Dont Ask track 18. Thanks to rocketman0739 for providing high-quality versions of these songs.
Download the album here: https://archive.org/details/filk_dont_ask/
Lyrics:
Mr. Boomer Johnson was a-gettin old in spots,
But you cant expect a badman to go wrastlin pans and pots;
Hed done his share of killin but his draw was gettin slow,
So he quit to punchin cattle and he took to punchin dough.
Our foreman up and hired him, thinkin age had rode him tame,
But a snake dont get no sweeter from the changin of his name.
Boomer knew his business—he could cook to make you smile,
But say, he wrangled fodder in a most peculiar style.
He didnt use no matches—left em layin on the shelf,
Just some kerosene and cussin and the kindlin lit itself.
Pardner, let me tell you, it would give a man a jolt
To see him stir frijoles with the barrel of his Colt.
He built his doughnuts solid, and it sure would curl your hair
To see him plug the holes when he tossed em in the air.
He drilled each hole plumb center every time his pistol spoke,
Till the can was full of doughnuts and the shack was full of smoke.
We was all a-gettin jumpy, but he couldnt understand
Why his shootin made us nervous when his shootin was so grand.
He kept right on performin, and it wasnt no surprise
When he took to markin tombstones on the covers of his pies.
Now they didnt look no better and they didnt taste no worse,
But sittin at the table was like ridin in a hearse;
We didnt do no talkin and we took just what we got,
We et till we was foundered just to keep from gettin shot.
Twas early one fine mornin, I was feelin sorta low,
When Boomer passed the doughnuts, I answered, “Plenty, no.
Coffees all this trip Im takin, for my stomach is a wreck.”
You could see the lust for killin swell the wattles of his neck.
Scorn his grub? He strung some doughnuts on the barrel of his gun,
And he stuck it in my gizzard and he said, “Youre takin some!”
He was set to start a graveyard, but for once he was mistook;
Me not wantin any doughnuts, I assaults the cook.
Did they fire him? Listen, pardner, there was nothin left to fire,
Just a row of smilin faces and another cook to hire.
If he found another outfit and is cookin, what I mean,
Its where they dont use matches nor they dont use kerosene.")
![Frank Hayes - Vegetate [HQ]](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/l0EYM5XmoLs/mqdefault.jpg "Frank Hayes - Vegetate [HQ]
Dont Ask track 11. Thanks to rocketman0739 for providing high-quality versions of these songs.
Download the album here: https://archive.org/details/filk_dont_ask/
Lyrics:
I used to be so happy in the summer sun
That Id hurry to the beach to play
But now Im out of work, you know, it aint much fun,
So I sit around the house all day
Chorus:
I sit and vegetate, va-va-va-vegetate,
Va-va-va-vegetate, va-va-va-vegetate, (woo-oo)
Va-va-va-vegetate, va-va-va-vegetate, (woo-oo)
Va-va-va-vegetate, va-va-va-vegetate, (woo-oo)
Sit around the house, doing nothing all summer long!
I used to drive my Chevy to Bikini Beach
See the women in the sun and surf
But now I spend the summer with my old TV
Watching Daffy Duck and Papa Smurf
(Chorus)
Woo-oo
Woo-oo
Woo-oo
I never have to worry that I might be late
No, you never have to hurry when you vegetate!
I sit around-round, sit around, I sit around
Yeah, sit around, sit around, I sit around
I sit around...
(Chorus x2)")
![Frank Hayes - Like a Lamb to the Slaughter [HQ]](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/mZwq62u2Ha8/mqdefault.jpg "Frank Hayes - Like a Lamb to the Slaughter [HQ]
Dont Ask track 12. Thanks to rocketman0739 for providing high-quality versions of these songs.
Download the album here: https://archive.org/details/filk_dont_ask/
Lyrics:
“Matty Groves” is a great old traditional song, and lots of people ask for it. The big problem with “Matty Groves” is, its big. About four hundred and seventy verses. Fortunately, with a little creative editing, it can still be chopped down to a reasonable size...say, talking blues?
One high, one holy holiday, on the first day of the year
Little Matty Groves to the church did go, some holy words to hear
When in come old Lord Arnolds wife, and she looked at him and said
“Come here often? Whats your sign?” and off they went to bed.
In the interests of brevity, Ill omit some of the more disposable parts of the song. Like the section where they get undressed...all forty-seven verses of it.
Now old Lord Arnold he had a page, and when he saw what they had done
He said, “Id better tell the boss!” and he began to run
He ran through the briars and he ran through the brambles
And he ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldnt go
Ran so fast that the hounds couldnt catch him
Down the Mississippi to the—you get the idea.
Next morning the happy lovers awoke, took one look at who was standing at the foot of the bed, and said “Ohhhh...shit.”
“Rise up, rise up now, Matty Groves, put your clothes on quick as you can
Never let it be said in all Scotland I slew a naked man!
And ye shall have the better sword, and I shall have the worse
And I shall strike the second blow, for ye shall strike the first!”
Stupid Scottish twit. Again in the interests of brevity, I will omit the section where Matty, for perfectly obvious reasons, takes his own sweet time about getting dressed again...all forty-seven verses of it.
Now the first blow little Matty struck, it hurt Lord Arnold sore;
The second blow Lord Arnold struck, little Matty stood no more.
Lord Arnold felt about himself to see where hed been cut
He looked, and found to his surprise hed lost his...you-know-what.
And he said “Ohhhh...shit!”
Now if he hadnt let Matty Groves strike first, hed never have lost his dong,
And if she hadnt let the pageboy know, youd never have heard this song.
But now they sit at home a lot, becoming nervous wrecks,
Which goes to show discretion is the better part of sex.
Moral of the story? Be good. If you cant be good, be careful. And if you cant be careful, try to keep it down to five or six verses, huh?")
![Kathy Mar - Childhoods End [HQ]](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/nGgMBfB_UV4/mqdefault.jpg "Kathy Mar - Childhoods End [HQ]
Thanks to rocketman0739 for providing high-quality versions of these songs.
Download the album here: https://archive.org/details/filk_songbird
Lyrics:
Chorus: Ill look upon the face of God, and through a billion eyes
And take the planet of my birth beyond the endless skies
And sing the universal song above the reach of right and wrong
And find the Devil is my friend, when I have come to childhoods end
They touched our world and changed our bloody history
They gave us peace and always dwelt in mystery
They eased the hunger of the endless realms of men
And taught us how to love each other once again
They promised they would walk among us on the day
When all their ministrations had prepared the way
And when the work was done and fifty years had passed
They left their ships to show themselves to us at last
(Chorus)
The horns and wings and tails no longer brought us fear
Our minds were now unclouded, and our eyes were clear
No longer would we judge things for the way they seem
And on that day, the children would begin to dream
The dreamers were the promise of a new mankind
They soon would touch the universal overmind
And as they pondered what that touch would someday bring
In all our thoughts their hopes would brightly dance and sing
(Chorus)
The devils were the guardians of our infant earth
They supervised the circumstances of our birth
In loneliness they cross the seas of stars alone
And never share the song that calls us all back home
(Chorus)")
