trainerlyra | don't wake me, i'm not dreaming || shinjiro x minako @trainerlyra3 | Uploaded 1 year ago | Updated 21 hours ago
just a vent, feel free to ignore the description and carry on with your monday.

..

another year without you here. another year where i don't get to talk with you like i used to, where i don't get to listen to everything that's been going on in your life, where i don't get to be greeted in the morning by you. another year, and you're still dead.

obviously that won't ever change. but i wish it were different. i always wish it were different.

so much happens in a year, it's almost funny. during the time i always feel like it hasn't been much, that there wasn't much to it, but then i go to talk to you and i realize how much time has actually passed since i've spoken with you. too much time. far, far too much time has gone by since we've been able to talk. since you've gotten to live.

i quit my job. i got promoted last year. i wrote 200k on ao3. i got into so many new things i wish i could've shared with you. i think you would've resonated very strongly with orv. i finally, finally got to meet red and lena in person. they were at my actual wedding celebration.

it hurt knowing you wouldn't see those pictures. that i couldn't have flown you out for the weekend to be with us. you should've been there. i'd always wanted you to be. but you weren't, those pictures will never have you in them, and it made me miss you terribly.

my grief never has anywhere to go. everyone else seems like they can move on with themselves, keeping you in their minds but able to live on. i feel sometimes like i'm suffocating, trapped in a world where you are no longer here. i remember the day so vividly i can't escape it. i remember sitting at my desk and just staring at nothing, trying to come to terms with what had just happened. i remember us all, collectively, not knowing how to deal with this kind of grief.

it's why this day is so hard for me. every year i relive it, from moment to moment. the message you sent me. our collective "oh no". me urging another to call the authorities asap. waiting, waiting, waiting. looking at the message and refusing to believe it. processing, processing, processing. then breaking, all of us, at the same time. not even knowing how to handle the news.

and you didn't know, did you? you didn't know how loved you were, and how much we all wanted to help you. how willing we all were to drop everything for you, if only you'd asked. that hurts me to think about. knowing how alone and trapped YOU must've felt, the day you did it. when you sent us all a goodbye and decided you couldn't live with what had happened to you.

it's so incredibly selfish of me, but i wish every day that you could've. that you would've. it's been four years, but i'm still not okay with it. there's so much that complicates the situation, but at the end of the day, everything remains the same. and i'm sorry. i wish the world would've been kinder to people like you and me. i wish the people around us would've cared more, would've wanted the best for us instead of just ignoring what was going on. you did what you had to do, i just wish we could've gotten to explore other options before it got to that point.

i miss you, hope. i'll always miss you. it gets a little easier, a little lighter, but it will always come back to the hole you left in my heart. there will always be a space in it for you, no matter how much time goes on, and how many other people i connect with. i love you always.

and i hope wherever you are, you can see all of us, still thinking of you so many years later. i hope if there is an afterlife, you have finally accepted how much we love you - how much we miss you, still. i hope you know you aren't alone. you never were. i would've dropped everything to fly to you that day.

we'll always love you. i will always love you. and we'll always think about you, no matter how much time keeps passing us by. if there is an afterlife, i hope you can rest. i hope you are finally at peace. i hope we meet again one day.

thank you for all your years of friendship, hope. i won't ever forget them.