Uploaded April 2020 | Updated September 2026, 2 weeks ago

---

First of all this is a beautiful one day IC with the stunning Shellybean, you did so well and I love you SO much, thank you for everything you do for me! Please sub her, you won't regret it!!
youtube.com/channel/UC0XfTzewhLbmKI4ED4iqSlQ

Part 1: xShelly || Haikyuu
Part 2: CosmicSOUL || Hetalia
Part 3: xShelly || Your Lie In April
Part 4: CosmicSOUL || Madoka Magica


Song: Forgive Me Friend - Smith & Thell


This isn't my usual description format but I put the info at the top in case you do not want to read my word vomit essay- I don't blame you but I need this right now so please bear with me fsdhjfkfa


This is a very special project that is really dear to me because it is dedicated to a very good friend of ours. It's been exactly one year without you now. I honestly can't put into words how I feel about this. It doesn't seem that long at all and at the same time it feels longer because the moments of the last one or two years that we did spend together were so far and few in between. It almost feels like you have been out of reach for so long that not much has changed, which is an absolutely terrible thing to think. And I am sorry. I am so fucking sorry. For everything. I know you would say it's not my fault and that I did a lot for you but it's hard to remember now. It's hard to believe when the end result stayed the same as if I never did a thing. It's so hard to remember anything. I'm okay most of the time and I don't really think about you often... Does that make you sad? Or are you glad that I can go on living without hurting? But I do hurt. Whenever I remember, whenever someone or something does remind me of you it still hurts so much. Sometimes even that is fine but other times I just want to curl up and cry for hours. Sometimes it's both things after one another. I don't want to forget. You deserve so much better than that, deserve a better FRIEND than that. I want to remember the times we laughed and talked about our interest for hours but those times are so far away now. I want to remember but it's so difficult when the only things I do remember are the bad times at the end and my constant worry. I want to remember loving you. I always loved you, even at the worst times and at the end when you were barely around but it doesn't feel the same as it did and I can't stand it. I also can't stand not knowing what happened. Not knowing is worse than anything, I told you that before and I still mean it. I know it is unlikely that you are still here but sometimes I can't help but hope, even if it's not true... I miss you so much. I wish you could see me now and watch me grow even more. I always wanted nothing more than to see a day you would be happy... But that day didn't come, did it? At least not the way I wanted it to... I hope you can finally rest easy now and that you didn't have any regrets. You left a trace in my soul that I will never forget even though my memories are already fading... A wound that might never heal but I don't regret it. I could never regret meeting you and loving you even if it hurt a lot of times. You meant so much to me, I can't put it in words. I wish things had gone differently, that I could have done more and that you could have gotten a chance to live life more fully... I may forget these times but the emotions I felt will stay with me. I am glad that a part of you will always be around me. I hope you can be proud of me. I hope you can forgive me that I can only seem to remember the sad times now. I hope you would still love the person I have become since the last time we REALLY spoke because I know that I would love any kind of person you would have become. Thank you for everything Toshi. I miss you so much. Thank you for being an important person in my life. Thank you for talking to me and making me laugh harder and cry harder than any other person I have ever met. I don't believe in souls or the afterlife but if there is even a slight chance that it exists I hope that you are happy now. I hope we can meet again one day and that maybe you keep on looking out for me. You might even see this video that I made with your lovely kouhai and the things you loved! I hope it makes you smile even though some parts are sad. All I wanted was for you to be happy really and I loved making videos for because it felt like they made you happy, even just a tiny bit. I know now that there was no way this little bit of happiness could have been enough. You also need to find happiness yourself for that. But even so it made me really happy when you said I was one of the reasons you lived and fought for so long. It probably shouldn't have but it did. That's why I want to keep on living the best way I can too. It is what you would have wanted I am sure. And if we meet again I will have a lot of things to tell you! I don't actually believe it but I can still dream right? I love you always, I hope you knew this at the end. I will always remember it even if I forget everything else.