Wrestling is part of it: Why Caring is NOT about self-sacrifice with Elissa Strauss @waymaking23

Uploaded July 2026 | Updated September 2026, 2 weeks ago

#philosophyofcare #careethics #dependency #motherhood #intergenerational
Philosopher and #neuroscientist Andrea Hiott in conversation with journalist and essayist Elissa Strauss, author of When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others, framed by the host’s view of care as an embodied, orienting force and “minds as actions.” Strauss distinguishes “caring,” social-status “not caring,” collective/kumbaya care, and “dependency care,” which she calls a “Hotel California” relationship you can’t easily exit; she argues dependency care is fraught, messy, and misunderstood when treated as pure altruism. She describes moving from fast-paced feminist journalism and a policy lens on U.S. caregiving failures (including lack of federal paid leave) to a deeper account of motherhood’s embodied realities, attention, and moments of union and estrangement with children. The discussion links care ethics (Gilligan, Noddings, Kittay) with Iris Murdoch and Simone Weil on unselfing and attention, accepts and also wonders beyond binary labels, explores caring-for versus caring-about and the “glass door” separating home from public value, and connects care to economics, interdependence, faith as “wrestling,” and intergenerational “sandwich” caregiving.
showlinks, transcript and more at loveandphilosophy.com

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Elissa's Book When You CareElissa's Substack: elissa.substack.com

We All Care: open.substack.com/pub/communityphilosophy/p/we-all-care?r=3qslz0&utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web

the Navigational Approach to Mind: open.substack.com/pub/communityphilosophy/p/the-navigational-approach-to-mind

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00:00 Trad Wife Label00:48 Embodied Parenting01:55 Estrangement Moments02:57 Care Philosophy Intro05:25 Care Ethics Primer09:35 Care Economics Value11:55 Poem Heat Reading17:18 Defining Care Buckets19:19 Dependency Care Explained22:20 Writing Career Origins25:53 Motherhood Identity Shift30:32 Beyond Binary Labels33:15 Embodied Early Motherhood33:52 Embodied Early Motherhood36:18 Attention and Listening39:00 Touch Versus Screens42:27 Dependency Care Awakening46:25 Unselfing as Parenting North Star49:54 Estrangement and Return52:39 Faith as Wrestling55:45 Finding Care Ethics01:00:21 Gilligan Noddings Validation01:05:46 Caring For Versus About01:08:16 Shame and the Glass Door01:09:44 Glass Door Feminism01:10:48 Care Work Counts01:13:00 Tradwife Backlash01:15:12 Money Meets Meaning01:16:19 Care Beyond Maintenance01:20:47 Home Everywhere Politics01:25:05 Figure Eight Care01:27:42 Parenting as Process01:31:51 Love Clarity and Illusion01:35:54 Sandwich Caregiving Crunch01:41:08 Wired to Care Together01:43:55 Closing and Where to Find

Full intro and notes here.

Care is not the opposite of love. It is the very urge of life. 'Caring for what?' is the primary question. That we have a choice about what we care for and how is what makes us human, but it's quite the challenge and responsibility. Let's help one another handle it.

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