Uploaded February 2026 | Updated September 2026, 2 weeks ago
When you give but never take, you are being contemptuous, you make other people feel worthless
When you are giving 100% of yourself, especially selflessly or even self-sacrificially, you are setting others for failure
When you are always happy go lucky, you are rejecting other people: they have no hold on you because they mean nothing to you and their sorrow and sadness are irrelevant
When you are effortlessly content, intelligent, or successful – others find it humiliating even when they do not envy you
When you overtly reject someone’s main offering – sex, for example – it is misperceived as a total rejection even if you accept other things they have to offer
When you worry about people all the time, however well-meaning you are, they perceive it as control freakery and they feel devalued (as if they were incapable to take care of themselves)
If you are overly helpful you may be denying the other agency and independence, thwarting their personal growth and development
IF you eternally nice and understanding, you may give the impression of being manipulative or craven. Such behavior provokes hypervigilance or even paranoid ideation if you have something to gain.
Many would regard unrelenting optimism as a form of stupidity or pathological prevarication.
Unquestioning, unthinking loyalty and charity impose a burden on their subjects: the implicit need to reciprocate, the maintenance of an implicit accounting ledger, and the frustration and disappointment when the other doesn’t measure up.
Constantly apologizing cause people around you to be self-conscious and to feel that they are misbehaving somehow, as if your apologies are a way to fend off their aggression.
Saying “I know how you feel” and “I perfectly understand” is invalidating. It diminishes the individual idiosyncratic (especially when negative) experience by reducing it to the lowest common denominator.
Trying to calm down someone by telling them “don’t be anxious” only triggers angers which further exacerbates the anxiety.
Complimenting someone all the time and regardless of changing contexts sounds fake and Machiavellian. It ends up undermining the target’s self-esteem and self-confidence by impairing her reality testing. It is, therefore, a form of gaslighting.
If you try to fit in by sacrificing your authenticity or self-deprecating (pseudo-humility), you are perceived as smarmy, creepy, and possibly dangerous. It foster social rejection. People frown on fakes. But being authentic is not the same as being abrasive, obnoxious, or aggressive.
Telling someone “you are perfect” stresses them as they unconsciously or consciously attempt to measure up to this impossible standard
Vowing “we will have a wonderful life together” renders the relationship an onerous undertaking
The perennial “let me give you some advice” can be perceived as condescending, patronizing, and humiliating, especially if it is a part of a pattern of control
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Author Page: amazon.com/stores/Sam-Vaknin/author/B000APLOFK/allbooks
When you give but never take, you are being contemptuous, you make other people feel worthless
When you are giving 100% of yourself, especially selflessly or even self-sacrificially, you are setting others for failure
When you are always happy go lucky, you are rejecting other people: they have no hold on you because they mean nothing to you and their sorrow and sadness are irrelevant
When you are effortlessly content, intelligent, or successful – others find it humiliating even when they do not envy you
When you overtly reject someone’s main offering – sex, for example – it is misperceived as a total rejection even if you accept other things they have to offer
When you worry about people all the time, however well-meaning you are, they perceive it as control freakery and they feel devalued (as if they were incapable to take care of themselves)
If you are overly helpful you may be denying the other agency and independence, thwarting their personal growth and development
IF you eternally nice and understanding, you may give the impression of being manipulative or craven. Such behavior provokes hypervigilance or even paranoid ideation if you have something to gain.
Many would regard unrelenting optimism as a form of stupidity or pathological prevarication.
Unquestioning, unthinking loyalty and charity impose a burden on their subjects: the implicit need to reciprocate, the maintenance of an implicit accounting ledger, and the frustration and disappointment when the other doesn’t measure up.
Constantly apologizing cause people around you to be self-conscious and to feel that they are misbehaving somehow, as if your apologies are a way to fend off their aggression.
Saying “I know how you feel” and “I perfectly understand” is invalidating. It diminishes the individual idiosyncratic (especially when negative) experience by reducing it to the lowest common denominator.
Trying to calm down someone by telling them “don’t be anxious” only triggers angers which further exacerbates the anxiety.
Complimenting someone all the time and regardless of changing contexts sounds fake and Machiavellian. It ends up undermining the target’s self-esteem and self-confidence by impairing her reality testing. It is, therefore, a form of gaslighting.
If you try to fit in by sacrificing your authenticity or self-deprecating (pseudo-humility), you are perceived as smarmy, creepy, and possibly dangerous. It foster social rejection. People frown on fakes. But being authentic is not the same as being abrasive, obnoxious, or aggressive.
Telling someone “you are perfect” stresses them as they unconsciously or consciously attempt to measure up to this impossible standard
Vowing “we will have a wonderful life together” renders the relationship an onerous undertaking
The perennial “let me give you some advice” can be perceived as condescending, patronizing, and humiliating, especially if it is a part of a pattern of control
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Author Page: amazon.com/stores/Sam-Vaknin/author/B000APLOFK/allbooks
