Uploaded August 2026 | Updated September 2026, 1 week ago

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You can criticize my cooking,
You can say my dress is loud,
You can tell me I’m too cheerful,
Or I laugh too long and proud.
But say one cruel thing about her
Dolly Parton, to be plain
I won’t lay a finger on you,
But you’ll wish you had refrained.

I won’t slap you, I won’t shoot you,
I won’t knock you off your chair.
I won’t poison your potato salad
I was raised much better, dear.
But I know a thousand little ways
To get underneath your skin.
I’ll make your life a living nuisance,
Then I’ll stop... and start again.

I’ll subscribe you to some newsletters
All tailored to interests you’ve not got.
I’ll inform the local charities
You’ll be giving quite a lot.
I’ll put glitter in your birthday card,
The kind that settles in your skin,
And the day you finally lose the sparkle,
Christmas glitter starts it up again.

I won’t slap you, I won’t shoot you,
I won’t knock you off your chair.
I won’t poison your potato salad
I was raised much better, dear.
But I know a thousand little ways
To get underneath your skin.
I’ll make your life a living nuisance,
Then I’ll stop... and start again.

I will learn your daily schedule;
I’ve got patience, I’ve got years.
I’ll request the song you cannot stand
At the bar where you drink your beers.
I’ll recommend you for committees
Where the meetings never end,
Then disappear for eighteen months
And let you think I’ve made amends.

There’ll come a lovely stretch of silence;
You’ll believe my vengeance dead.
Your toast will brown on both sides,
And your fitted sheets stay on the bed.
You’ll sleep eight hours on a Sunday,
You’ll feel peaceful now and then
That’s when you’ll receive twelve catalogues
For life-size ceramic hens.

I’ll never break a single window;
I’ll stay safely within the law.
I’ll tell your barber, “Use your judgment,”
And send fruitcake to your ma.
You’ll find your reservation’s been cancelled
When you show up with a friend.
Then I’ll take the summer off from you
And start the whole thing up again.

No, I won’t slap you, I won’t shoot you,
I won’t knock you off your chair.
I’ll be smiling like an angel
While I’m spoiling half your year.
You may beg for my forgiveness,
You may swear you won’t offend.
I’ll forgive you like a Christian
Then I’ll stop... and start again.

So speak kindly of our Dolly;
That’s the lesson, plain and true.
She believed in love and mercy
I’m less certain that I do.