Uploaded December 2025 | Updated September 2026, 5 hours ago
I just posted a new short on something that can literally change—or save—lives:
Safety-First vs. Marriage-First counseling.
Most people assume marriage counseling is neutral. It isn’t.
—Some counselors are trained to ask, “Is it safe to do marriage counseling work?”
—Others are trained to ask only, “How do we save the marriage?” Those are not the same thing.
If fear, coercion, chronic deceit, addiction, or abuse are present, marriage-first counseling can actually make things worse, even when it’s wrapped in Scripture and good intentions.
This reel will help you spot the difference—and learn what questions to ask before you trust a counselor with your life, your kids, and your faith.
If you’ve ever been told to “try harder,” “submit more,” or “communicate better” while you were afraid or filled with mistrust, this is for you.
How to screen a counselor for unsafe bias:
Ask these questions before you book—or in the first session.
You’re not being difficult. You’re being wise.
1) “How do you screen for abuse or coercive control?”
Good answer sounds like:
“We assess for fear, intimidation, threats, sexual coercion, stalking, financial control, spiritual abuse. If abuse is present, couples therapy may be contraindicated.”
Red flag answer:
“We don’t label things ‘abuse.’ We focus on both people’s contributions.”
2) “Do you ever recommend against couples counseling?”
Good answer:
“Yes. When there’s violence, coercive control, severe addiction, active affairs, or patterns of intimidation—joint therapy can make things worse.”
Red flag:
“We never turn couples away. We believe every marriage can be restored.”
3) “What is your view of separation?”
Good answer:
“Separation can be a safety measure and a boundary. We can discuss how to do it wisely.”
Red flag:
“Separation usually makes things worse. You should stay and work it out.”
4) “If one spouse is afraid, what do you do?”
Good answer:
“We slow down. We assess safety. We may do individual sessions. We may involve a safety plan and referrals.”
Red flag:
“Fear is often just anxiety. The solution is better communication.”
5) “Do you treat divorce as a last resort—or as one possible outcome?”
Good answer:
“We don’t push divorce, but we don’t shame it. Our goal is health and safety. Sometimes that includes ending the relationship.”
Red flag:
“We don’t believe in divorce except in very narrow circumstances.”
6) “How do you handle confidentiality if we do individual sessions?”
Good answer:
Clear policy, ethical boundaries, and a plan that does not endanger either spouse.
Red flag:
Vague answers—or anything that suggests they’ll share what you say privately without consent.
To learn the Red Flags you should not ignore ▶️ Watch the reel and read the blog post for more questions to ask a potential counselor: lifesavingdivorce.com/safety-first-counseling
Your safety matters to God.
ABOUT
Gretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and author. She began leading support groups for single mothers in conservative churches in the Los Angeles area in 1998 and now focuses primarily on reaching people online.
For more than 25 years, Gretchen has helped women and men of faith find strength, courage, and healing through the challenges of life-saving divorce. She listens with empathy to those recovering from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addiction, and emotional abuse.
A survivor of a toxic marriage herself, Gretchen understands the journey of rebuilding after loss. Following her own life-saving divorce and years as a single mother, she is now happily remarried.
She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.
For more information:
Website and Blog: LifeSavingDivorce.com
Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/lifesavingdivorce.bsky.social
Facebook facebook.com/lifesavingdivorce
Instagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville
You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorce
Twitter twitter.com/GGBaskerville
What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical violence, chronic emotional abuse, felony behavior, family-crushing addictions, or abandonment/neglect.
My Book: "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"
Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3J3vXa7
or AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4
Or get it from Gumroad (for those who share an Amazon account with their abuser): Download the EPUB and PDF at gumroad.com/lsp
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
I just posted a new short on something that can literally change—or save—lives:
Safety-First vs. Marriage-First counseling.
Most people assume marriage counseling is neutral. It isn’t.
—Some counselors are trained to ask, “Is it safe to do marriage counseling work?”
—Others are trained to ask only, “How do we save the marriage?” Those are not the same thing.
If fear, coercion, chronic deceit, addiction, or abuse are present, marriage-first counseling can actually make things worse, even when it’s wrapped in Scripture and good intentions.
This reel will help you spot the difference—and learn what questions to ask before you trust a counselor with your life, your kids, and your faith.
If you’ve ever been told to “try harder,” “submit more,” or “communicate better” while you were afraid or filled with mistrust, this is for you.
How to screen a counselor for unsafe bias:
Ask these questions before you book—or in the first session.
You’re not being difficult. You’re being wise.
1) “How do you screen for abuse or coercive control?”
Good answer sounds like:
“We assess for fear, intimidation, threats, sexual coercion, stalking, financial control, spiritual abuse. If abuse is present, couples therapy may be contraindicated.”
Red flag answer:
“We don’t label things ‘abuse.’ We focus on both people’s contributions.”
2) “Do you ever recommend against couples counseling?”
Good answer:
“Yes. When there’s violence, coercive control, severe addiction, active affairs, or patterns of intimidation—joint therapy can make things worse.”
Red flag:
“We never turn couples away. We believe every marriage can be restored.”
3) “What is your view of separation?”
Good answer:
“Separation can be a safety measure and a boundary. We can discuss how to do it wisely.”
Red flag:
“Separation usually makes things worse. You should stay and work it out.”
4) “If one spouse is afraid, what do you do?”
Good answer:
“We slow down. We assess safety. We may do individual sessions. We may involve a safety plan and referrals.”
Red flag:
“Fear is often just anxiety. The solution is better communication.”
5) “Do you treat divorce as a last resort—or as one possible outcome?”
Good answer:
“We don’t push divorce, but we don’t shame it. Our goal is health and safety. Sometimes that includes ending the relationship.”
Red flag:
“We don’t believe in divorce except in very narrow circumstances.”
6) “How do you handle confidentiality if we do individual sessions?”
Good answer:
Clear policy, ethical boundaries, and a plan that does not endanger either spouse.
Red flag:
Vague answers—or anything that suggests they’ll share what you say privately without consent.
To learn the Red Flags you should not ignore ▶️ Watch the reel and read the blog post for more questions to ask a potential counselor: lifesavingdivorce.com/safety-first-counseling
Your safety matters to God.
ABOUT
Gretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and author. She began leading support groups for single mothers in conservative churches in the Los Angeles area in 1998 and now focuses primarily on reaching people online.
For more than 25 years, Gretchen has helped women and men of faith find strength, courage, and healing through the challenges of life-saving divorce. She listens with empathy to those recovering from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addiction, and emotional abuse.
A survivor of a toxic marriage herself, Gretchen understands the journey of rebuilding after loss. Following her own life-saving divorce and years as a single mother, she is now happily remarried.
She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.
For more information:
Website and Blog: LifeSavingDivorce.com
Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/lifesavingdivorce.bsky.social
Facebook facebook.com/lifesavingdivorce
Instagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville
You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorce
Twitter twitter.com/GGBaskerville
What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical violence, chronic emotional abuse, felony behavior, family-crushing addictions, or abandonment/neglect.
My Book: "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"
Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3J3vXa7
or AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4
Or get it from Gumroad (for those who share an Amazon account with their abuser): Download the EPUB and PDF at gumroad.com/lsp
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
![Evangelicals Shooting Their Own Wounded Divorcees [UPDATED] | The Life-Saving Divorce](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/r1HVYOi4Jjs/mqdefault.jpg "Evangelicals Shooting Their Own Wounded Divorcees [UPDATED] | The Life-Saving Divorce
As a Christian divorce recovery leader for the past 20 years, I want our churches to be safe place for divorcees, yet often the opposite happens. Divorced Christians, even godly spouses, are judged and treated like quitters who took the easy way out. says Gretchen Baskerville, author of The Life-Saving Divorce.
How many divorced Evangelicals have stopped attending our churches, even though they love the Lord?
See the new data, released in February 2020, in the Christianity Today article, Despite Stigma, More Divorced Evangelicals Are Going to Church, that show that Evangelical churches are not doing a good job. Sure, a large number of divorced Evangelicals attend church frequently. But not nearly the number we would expect.
Gretchen walks you through the graphs, and gives reasons, examples, and explanations for why this is happening...why we are missing perhaps 1 million Evangelical divorcees. At the end she gives tips to pastors and leaders on how to turn this around.
About:
Gretchen Baskerville has been a Christian divorce recovery leader since 1998. Shes listened to women and men going through heartbreaking life-saving divorces. She gives them hope and faith in a God who loves them and their children—and walks beside them to restore the years the locust ate. Shes the author of The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships.
What is a Life-Saving Divorce? Nearly half of divorces in the U.S. are for very serious reasons: infidelity, sexual immorality, domestic violence, verbal/emotional abuse, or addictions. These are the Life-Saving Divorces. Many of these divorcees prayed, fasted, tried harder, went to counseling, bought Christian marriage books, forgave 70 times 7, turned the other cheek, and walked the extra mile again and again. As my friend Gina Kaye says, They didnt WANT a divorce, they NEEDED a divorce... to save their life and sanity.
Find out more at http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/
How to Get the book, The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships
Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: https://amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Follow Gretchen Baskerville:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/gretchen.baskerville
Twitter: https://twitter.com/GGBaskerville
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville/
Other helpful links:
Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com
Divorce Story Interviews: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/interviews
Life-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage")
