Uploaded December 2020 | Updated September 2026, 57 minutes ago

---

Men Who Are Victims of Abuse or Betrayal. Chapter 9. Replay of the LIVE Zoom conference of The LIfe-Saving Divorce Book Study from December 9, 2020. CHAPTER 9 HIGHLIGHTS

Today we're doing something a little bit different. Usually I give an overview and explain the chapter highlights, but for Chapter 9 I've asked male survivors of abuse and betrayal to tell you their own stories. They definitely want to be heard. If you think it's hard for us women to talk about abuse and betrayal, you should hear how tough it is for MEN to speak up and for MEN to be believed. Their stories are painful to listen to, but take heart, there's a happy ending in these story. These men got to safety, have rebuilt their lives, and are happily remarried, so I'm grateful for them coming back now and talking to us.

In chapter 9 we read DAVID'S story (which was that horrible emotionally abusive story) and GARY'S story (which was a combination of serial infidelity and gaslighting).

TODAY we're going to hear "GARY" and "JOHN" speak. But before we do that, I want do a couple of polls.

07:40 GARY'S STORY
08:50 It's cheating, yes. Adultery is abuse, too. Financial abuse.
09:15 Don't just forgive and ignore it.
10:15 His wife was Baptist and involved in church
11:20 It started when she got a new job. She started criticizing him so much their son wrote a letter to her to stop.
12:45 "I'm not a perfect person. I don't have a high emotional I.Q."
13:15 Her strange job choices
14:20 He got an anonymous phone call from a coworker.
15:20 She tried to smear his character.
16:50 She was having multiple affairs
17:25 She wanted a divorce, but he didn't. He hoped that marriage counseling would help
17:50 He found evidence multiple times of cheating
19:05 Despite physical evidence of infidelity, she denied it in front of the counselor
19:40 He had to get a restraining order after she deliberately damaged their home.
22:10 She wanted to reconcile but a good therapist, the first one to act as a neutral 3rd party observer, called out her lies and gaslighting.
23:24 Despite counseling, she continued her affairs. The counselor told Gary, "You dodged a bullet. You're lucky."
24:20 Gary critiques the Christian pastors and therapists they saw who pressured him and were overly naive and optimistic.
25:40 Gary went through a DivorceCare group and found it helpful. He later became a leader for DC and for Cloud's Boundaries book studies.
26:15 Deciding to tell his sons the truth, even though his wife didn't want them to know.

30:48 14 in 100 women say they've cheated while married, about half the number of men.
31:00 1 in 9 men were victims of intimate partner violence
32:10 Half of men have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

32:43 JOHN'S STORY
33:16 - How John met his now ex-wife.
34:30 - How his wife cut him off from friends and isolated him from those close to him
35:55 - Her opposition to attending a colleague's wedding
36:50 - Her demeaning behavior, insults to his professional career and life as a farmer
37:00 - Her claims to be superior to him and demands for apologies.
38:50 - Provoking him into arguments. Criticized him for being English.
39:20 - Friends noticed and mentioned the disrespect
40:00 - Undermined his prior promises to his foster daughter
41:30 - Problem: "Happy Wife, Happy Life" formulas
41:40 - She would start argument and would block the front door, and coerce him to stay in the house (He couldn't move her physically for fear of being accused of being physically violent.)
42:15 - He had to make a run for it, and documented each event
43:15 - Feeling trapped. She said she could do anything she wanted to him.
44:40 - Sleep deprivation, a form of torture
45:00 - She never accepted responsibility over her own behavior. He felt trapped.
45:20 - Worried about not being believed.
45:30 - Double standards for women and men victims.
45:40 - How did you finally understand that you were an abuse victim? Contact with a domestic abuse advocate. Duluth Wheel adapted for male victims.
46:45 - My wife wanted to portray me as the abuser (reversing victim and offender). She said she could do anything to me she liked.
47:30 - He found the examples, definitions, and men's stories on the ManKind Initiative website: mankind.org.uk
49:00 - Churches don't always believe him. No church leader has ever asked for his evidence.
50:00 - Dating again after divorce. He regained his confidence. He went on a few dates and realized he was not the problem. Most women weren't abusive.
50:50 - He met a lovely woman. He wanted her to know about his past. She looked at the evidence and believed him. Today they are happily married.
51:00 - To men: Call the police if you are in danger. Seek out an abuse awareness organization that has men's stories on their websites. Men stay because they are afraid of losing contact with their children and because they hope they can protect their children from abuse.