Uploaded June 2023 | Updated September 2026, 1 week ago
I took this a few weeks before Jonnie's meds stopped working. in this video, he is torn between wanting to nap and wanting to sniff the fresh air from the open window.
today he passed away. as I've mentioned before, the lack of medical care for small animals means we can't adopt more rats indefinitely. luckily Baby Girl is healthy and there are way more cat vets available still. it will be hard for us not to have rats because they are truly wonderful, and Jonnie, having been a stray who bit us bloody, was our little miracle who learned he could trust us and love us. unfortunately, respiratory problems are coded into rat DNA, and we did everything we could until his body rejected everything. this is never easy, especially for me since I form parent/child relationships with my pets, but he let me know he loved me, we shared a chocolate cupcake, and then it was goodbye. I don't have the strength to fully deal with this loss, even less than usual because of other circumstances, but my doc started me on lithium, which is supposed to decrease suicidal ideation, I'm taking Clonazepam AND hydroxyzine for anxiety, and I'm feeling like I'm running around in circles chasing my own tail and expecting to find answers when I catch it. this would be easier if someone hadn't fucked me up for their own entertainment. I've hidden my noose, so it's there for when I'm ready. I want to give the lithium a chance to work, I can't expect it to work right away.
did you know that narcissists won't take prescribed medication? it's because they don't think anything is wrong with them. I've been on medication, struggling to find the right shit for more than ten years because I know there are way too many things wrong with me. I just learned that about narcissists recently from a true crime show. note, this was a few months after my psychiatrist officially diagnosed me as not having narcissistic personality disorder. I care about a rat more than myself. did you know I've been told, "get over it, it's just a stupid rat"? any human that views themselves above any other living thing is a narcissist. Jonnie was my son, and he was a miracle because he survived one of the coldest winters we've had here, and thinking about him shivering outside in the rain and snow has always brought tears to my eyes. but I convinced Michael that we should adopt him, and he bit us like crazy, but I didn't give up, and I have a video of his very first trust step right here on YouTube. it just escalated from there, and eventually, even his gentle nipping stopped, and he gave some kisses. he took food from our hands, he let us pick him up, he climbed on us, and for those of you who don't know rodents, those are big trust steps. he was a wonderful boy with a marking on his head that looked like a phoenix rising, and he was a little phoenix in his own way. I'll love him forever, just like my other babies.
Baby Girl is going to get so sick of how much more attention she's going to get. she's a rescue too, and loves to be pet, but hates to be held. she might just have to deal with it. she loves rats, though, so she's going to be confused as to where her brother is. I wish ghosts were real so I could see all my babies playing around
unrelated: I had a CT scan yesterday. apparently I have an abnormally shaped uterus. otherwise they didn't find anything wrong there, so I still have to see an endocrinologist. I just want to stop being hot all the time, and I want them to stop my period so that I don't have another two week one after two months of no period.... I hate my body. I hate my brain. I'm so tired. my psychiatrist told me to sleep when I feel sleepy, but it's hard when, all your life, you've been told that sleeping more than eight hours makes you lazy. when laziness isn't a choice, it's a symptom of a bigger, more serious problem. I have so many things I want to do and work on, and I can't even get myself up to take care of myself. my depression is at its worst. I feel sick and dizzy all the time. the only thing that hasn't been scanned is my head. we'll see what happens with the endocrinologist.
please wish Jonnie a happy afterlife. and support your local veterinarians who are underpaid so much, that they quit there jobs helping animals that are not cats and dogs. everyone in the medical field, human or not, is suffering from poor wages and unfair hours, at least in the US. imagine if there were suddenly no pediatricians to see your sick kids. that's how it is with "exotic" pet vets right now. and no adoptions means more animals are bred just to die. I hate this planet.
I took this a few weeks before Jonnie's meds stopped working. in this video, he is torn between wanting to nap and wanting to sniff the fresh air from the open window.
today he passed away. as I've mentioned before, the lack of medical care for small animals means we can't adopt more rats indefinitely. luckily Baby Girl is healthy and there are way more cat vets available still. it will be hard for us not to have rats because they are truly wonderful, and Jonnie, having been a stray who bit us bloody, was our little miracle who learned he could trust us and love us. unfortunately, respiratory problems are coded into rat DNA, and we did everything we could until his body rejected everything. this is never easy, especially for me since I form parent/child relationships with my pets, but he let me know he loved me, we shared a chocolate cupcake, and then it was goodbye. I don't have the strength to fully deal with this loss, even less than usual because of other circumstances, but my doc started me on lithium, which is supposed to decrease suicidal ideation, I'm taking Clonazepam AND hydroxyzine for anxiety, and I'm feeling like I'm running around in circles chasing my own tail and expecting to find answers when I catch it. this would be easier if someone hadn't fucked me up for their own entertainment. I've hidden my noose, so it's there for when I'm ready. I want to give the lithium a chance to work, I can't expect it to work right away.
did you know that narcissists won't take prescribed medication? it's because they don't think anything is wrong with them. I've been on medication, struggling to find the right shit for more than ten years because I know there are way too many things wrong with me. I just learned that about narcissists recently from a true crime show. note, this was a few months after my psychiatrist officially diagnosed me as not having narcissistic personality disorder. I care about a rat more than myself. did you know I've been told, "get over it, it's just a stupid rat"? any human that views themselves above any other living thing is a narcissist. Jonnie was my son, and he was a miracle because he survived one of the coldest winters we've had here, and thinking about him shivering outside in the rain and snow has always brought tears to my eyes. but I convinced Michael that we should adopt him, and he bit us like crazy, but I didn't give up, and I have a video of his very first trust step right here on YouTube. it just escalated from there, and eventually, even his gentle nipping stopped, and he gave some kisses. he took food from our hands, he let us pick him up, he climbed on us, and for those of you who don't know rodents, those are big trust steps. he was a wonderful boy with a marking on his head that looked like a phoenix rising, and he was a little phoenix in his own way. I'll love him forever, just like my other babies.
Baby Girl is going to get so sick of how much more attention she's going to get. she's a rescue too, and loves to be pet, but hates to be held. she might just have to deal with it. she loves rats, though, so she's going to be confused as to where her brother is. I wish ghosts were real so I could see all my babies playing around
unrelated: I had a CT scan yesterday. apparently I have an abnormally shaped uterus. otherwise they didn't find anything wrong there, so I still have to see an endocrinologist. I just want to stop being hot all the time, and I want them to stop my period so that I don't have another two week one after two months of no period.... I hate my body. I hate my brain. I'm so tired. my psychiatrist told me to sleep when I feel sleepy, but it's hard when, all your life, you've been told that sleeping more than eight hours makes you lazy. when laziness isn't a choice, it's a symptom of a bigger, more serious problem. I have so many things I want to do and work on, and I can't even get myself up to take care of myself. my depression is at its worst. I feel sick and dizzy all the time. the only thing that hasn't been scanned is my head. we'll see what happens with the endocrinologist.
please wish Jonnie a happy afterlife. and support your local veterinarians who are underpaid so much, that they quit there jobs helping animals that are not cats and dogs. everyone in the medical field, human or not, is suffering from poor wages and unfair hours, at least in the US. imagine if there were suddenly no pediatricians to see your sick kids. that's how it is with "exotic" pet vets right now. and no adoptions means more animals are bred just to die. I hate this planet.
