Uploaded December 2022 | Updated September 2026, 1 week ago

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From the Barenaked Ponies, a song pondering well...what if I had a Secret Santa?

If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
I'd get them a plush
-I would get them a plush
If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
I'd get them socks for their new plush
-Something with a high thread count and stripes
If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
I'd get them a fluffy scarf
-With colors that would match their brand new plush socks!
If I had a Secret Santa I'd send them love!

If I had a Secret Santa
-I would make sure that they had a card!
If I had a Secret Santa
-I could make it from paper, it's not that hard!
If I had a Secret Santa
-I'd make sure to put a picture of their favorite pony in there
Oooh and a sticker. Oooo! Or a whole sticker book so they could put them wherever they wanted!
-Maybe some velcro or iron on patches
You know you’re supposed to say ‘hook and loop’ now.
-Well I guess it’ll have to be iron-on then.

If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
I would write them a green
-Just a cutesy little OC green for fun
If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
I’d write a song to go with that green.
-Nothing fancy just a couple of bars.
If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
Well I’d doodle them something cute
-Get the crayons out scribble on some printer paper
If I had a Secret Santa I'd send them love!

If I had a Secret Santa
-I wouldn’t have to go find friends!
If I had a Secret Santa
-I’d stay online and buy them gifts instead
If I had a Secret Santa
-We wouldn’t have to talk to our plushies.
But we still would talk to our plushies!
-Of course, just about holiday things for our santee!
And we’d decorate the plushies with festive antlers
-and tinsel and little strings of lights!
Like those Christmas light necklaces you buy at the store.
-yeah!

If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
Well I’d buy them a doll
-But not a Peanut Doll that’s cruel
If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
Well I’d buy them an art
-Lots of excellent vendors at your local cons
If I had a Secret Santa (If I had a Secret Santa)
I’d buy them a donkey
-If they waifu Octavia!
If I had a Secret Santa I’d send them love.

If I had a Secret Santa
If I had a Secret Santa
If I had a Secret Santa
I wouldn’t grinch.

A parody of If I Had a Million Dollars by The Barenaked Ladies.