Uploaded June 2013 | Updated September 2026, 2 weeks ago
Part two:
Suicide Survivor (2/2):
youtube.com/watch?v=3Tq10LY76gM
Blame Earl Portland for inadvertently encouraging me to post this topic-hopping ramble about life, death and YouTube. I'm still restricted to 15 minutes (9 months and counting), so I've had to split this and there's a part two which is a smidgen more coherent and on-topic.
I'll try and fill in *some* of the gaps here. I want to stew a little more about agnosticism, so while taking a little break from that subject I decided to see if I could finally decide on a format for my response to yesimsandw1ch's 'Do Something' tag video which tackles the subject of suicide. While researching that I was thinking about reasons for living, and the various meanings people have for life. So I returned to the video by FeetToeBandito that I've always been fond of. It's a simple but honest video, by a plainly likeable man. I'd found him while looking at '2 Girls 1 Cup' reaction videos a few years back. His one really made me laugh, and led to a very memorable night of Tube-surfing as I watched his other videos and followed links to his friends.
Partway through that night I discovered he had died several months earlier. I found that profoundly moving for some reason and I subscribed to his channel, perhaps out of a desire to 'reward' his friends for keeping it open. It has survived several YouTube culs of inactive channels, so on that basis I'm guessing somebody still maintains it. I find something romantic about that notion, so I visit there from time to time.
Watching his 'Meaning of Life' video again last night, where he sits by his parent's grave I thought about my own dad's grave, and the fact that I hadn't ever been back to it, or those of the many people I know who are buried in the same graveyard. I thought also of a recent video by Earl where he advised a young YouTuber about overcoming vloggers block. Drawing those strands together, and without giving any constructive thought to it, I took my camera to the graveyard and began hunting for my dad's grave. It was only a little after 8am, and the office that could have given me directions to it wasn't open yet. This was no bad thing, as I could then wander aimlessly through the avenues and just see what there was to find.
When I saw the inscription on the grave by the rear wall it was like the hand of providence had led me there. So I sat down and just started rolling, taking Earl's advice. And so this jumble of loosely inter-connected thoughts fell out. There were connections to be made between these different ideas, but my internal auto-correct acted against it. I'm the guy who keeps interrupting his own story with cries of "Oh, I must tell you this first.." and as a stream of 'firsts' tumble out none make it to a second.
I'd really like to do more of this, hopefully with a view to improving! Hitting record still seems to put a filter on my thoughts. While trying to make sense I find myself leaping from one tangent to another, trying too hard to select the good ones and all too often leaving one unfinished or undeveloped while I hop on the next available idea.
It might be that I'll never get the hang of it. Or perhaps some ideas are just too taxing for me. Maybe this suicide video is giving me trouble because I've yet to resolve my thinking on my own suicide attempt. Answering those questions might be easier if I just post and be damned, and at least I'll have something to reference back to in the future. For my own benefit if for nobody else's.
The Meaning of Life - A video response (by FeetToeBandito)
youtube.com/watch?v=MLtaSOUOeGg
"Do Something" - PSA (by yesimsandw1ch)
youtube.com/watch?v=uKZXuOsc3iA
Coffee with Earl; Lampshade (by Earl Portland)
youtube.com/watch?v=LZCtDfrCRK8
Part two:
Suicide Survivor (2/2):
youtube.com/watch?v=3Tq10LY76gM
Blame Earl Portland for inadvertently encouraging me to post this topic-hopping ramble about life, death and YouTube. I'm still restricted to 15 minutes (9 months and counting), so I've had to split this and there's a part two which is a smidgen more coherent and on-topic.
I'll try and fill in *some* of the gaps here. I want to stew a little more about agnosticism, so while taking a little break from that subject I decided to see if I could finally decide on a format for my response to yesimsandw1ch's 'Do Something' tag video which tackles the subject of suicide. While researching that I was thinking about reasons for living, and the various meanings people have for life. So I returned to the video by FeetToeBandito that I've always been fond of. It's a simple but honest video, by a plainly likeable man. I'd found him while looking at '2 Girls 1 Cup' reaction videos a few years back. His one really made me laugh, and led to a very memorable night of Tube-surfing as I watched his other videos and followed links to his friends.
Partway through that night I discovered he had died several months earlier. I found that profoundly moving for some reason and I subscribed to his channel, perhaps out of a desire to 'reward' his friends for keeping it open. It has survived several YouTube culs of inactive channels, so on that basis I'm guessing somebody still maintains it. I find something romantic about that notion, so I visit there from time to time.
Watching his 'Meaning of Life' video again last night, where he sits by his parent's grave I thought about my own dad's grave, and the fact that I hadn't ever been back to it, or those of the many people I know who are buried in the same graveyard. I thought also of a recent video by Earl where he advised a young YouTuber about overcoming vloggers block. Drawing those strands together, and without giving any constructive thought to it, I took my camera to the graveyard and began hunting for my dad's grave. It was only a little after 8am, and the office that could have given me directions to it wasn't open yet. This was no bad thing, as I could then wander aimlessly through the avenues and just see what there was to find.
When I saw the inscription on the grave by the rear wall it was like the hand of providence had led me there. So I sat down and just started rolling, taking Earl's advice. And so this jumble of loosely inter-connected thoughts fell out. There were connections to be made between these different ideas, but my internal auto-correct acted against it. I'm the guy who keeps interrupting his own story with cries of "Oh, I must tell you this first.." and as a stream of 'firsts' tumble out none make it to a second.
I'd really like to do more of this, hopefully with a view to improving! Hitting record still seems to put a filter on my thoughts. While trying to make sense I find myself leaping from one tangent to another, trying too hard to select the good ones and all too often leaving one unfinished or undeveloped while I hop on the next available idea.
It might be that I'll never get the hang of it. Or perhaps some ideas are just too taxing for me. Maybe this suicide video is giving me trouble because I've yet to resolve my thinking on my own suicide attempt. Answering those questions might be easier if I just post and be damned, and at least I'll have something to reference back to in the future. For my own benefit if for nobody else's.
The Meaning of Life - A video response (by FeetToeBandito)
youtube.com/watch?v=MLtaSOUOeGg
"Do Something" - PSA (by yesimsandw1ch)
youtube.com/watch?v=uKZXuOsc3iA
Coffee with Earl; Lampshade (by Earl Portland)
youtube.com/watch?v=LZCtDfrCRK8
