Uploaded April 2026 | Updated September 2026, 2 weeks ago
I went YEARS in my 20’s being defensive and not even knowing I was doing it.
Sometimes, I would innocently think that when someone (like a boss, for example) gave me corrective feedback, they were simply looking for an explanation of why I did it the way I did it.
So I’d jump into explaining.
Other times, a partner would express a desire or unmet need, and I perceived it as an attack…
And it makes sense because defensiveness is a protective response (even though it does not usually create the desired result!) It can create the illusion of safety (especially when our nervous system senses a threat, like corrective feedback).
Next time someone offers you feedback, pay attention to your GUT reaction and observe how you respond.
Did you stay curious, or launch into explaining +blaming?
Awareness is the first step to changing ANY pattern.
Save this reel as a reminder to pause before you defend, (and try curiosity instead!)
📚 Too Much Book: hfcbook.com
📩 Newsletter: terricole.com/newsletter
🔑 Ready to build healthier relationships? Join: terricole.com/tcm
🪔 Meditate with me: insighttimer.com/terricole
📸 Instagram: terricole.com/ig
About Terri Cole
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free, The Boundary Boss Workbook, and Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over a million people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see terricole.com
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole
I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources.
terricole.com/gethelp -- If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger, the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
Please note: If you choose to sign up for BetterHelp or Insight Timer or buy through my Amazon links, I will receive a commission. Please know that I only recommend services and products that I know & trust.
I went YEARS in my 20’s being defensive and not even knowing I was doing it.
Sometimes, I would innocently think that when someone (like a boss, for example) gave me corrective feedback, they were simply looking for an explanation of why I did it the way I did it.
So I’d jump into explaining.
Other times, a partner would express a desire or unmet need, and I perceived it as an attack…
And it makes sense because defensiveness is a protective response (even though it does not usually create the desired result!) It can create the illusion of safety (especially when our nervous system senses a threat, like corrective feedback).
Next time someone offers you feedback, pay attention to your GUT reaction and observe how you respond.
Did you stay curious, or launch into explaining +blaming?
Awareness is the first step to changing ANY pattern.
Save this reel as a reminder to pause before you defend, (and try curiosity instead!)
📚 Too Much Book: hfcbook.com
📩 Newsletter: terricole.com/newsletter
🔑 Ready to build healthier relationships? Join: terricole.com/tcm
🪔 Meditate with me: insighttimer.com/terricole
📸 Instagram: terricole.com/ig
About Terri Cole
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free, The Boundary Boss Workbook, and Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over a million people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see terricole.com
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole
I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources.
terricole.com/gethelp -- If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger, the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
Please note: If you choose to sign up for BetterHelp or Insight Timer or buy through my Amazon links, I will receive a commission. Please know that I only recommend services and products that I know & trust.
