Uploaded July 2026 | Updated September 2026, 2 weeks ago
The ABC is now celebrating medical students learning “the oldest medicine on Earth.” Why rely on modern science when you can harvest highly toxic cycad seeds or wade through croc-infested swamps for iron-rich snails? I’ll stick to my 69c Aldi paracetamol.
In this week’s Friday Focus—yes, I know it’s a day early, but tomorrow I’ll be marooned in transit—we’re looking at the news that Australia’s oldest medicine is apparently making a comeback.
Your taxpayer-funded ABC recently informed us that the “oldest continually practised medicine” on Earth is now being passed on to medical students. Thanks to the eagle-eyed viewers who flagged this one.
Now, it’s true that Aboriginal Australians—historically, in what must have been a disease-free paradise before colonisation and modern medicine ruined it, used native plants and grubs as bush medicine for tens of thousands of years. Look closely at this promotional photo and you can even see an ancient healing strip deployed on the wrist. Yet today, despite decades of failed closing-the-gap initiatives, we’re apparently treating our future doctors to a masterclass in traditional bush rubs and herbal remedies.
I would have thought the goal was to teach our doctors the best available medicine, not the oldest. Or is that just me?
And just so we’re entirely clear that this sudden mainstream push is purely philanthropic—driven strictly by a selfless desire to advance human health and absolutely nothing else—here is a 400-gram tub of traditional Arrethe Bush Balm. It’s essentially a mix of that famously Aboriginal essential oil, olive oil, beeswax, and a native shrub, and at a cool 150 dollars a pop, it’s an absolute steal.
But back to the ABC’s unpaid promotional campaign, titled: “Tomorrow’s doctors are learning from the oldest surviving culture.” They enthusiastically note that “on Larrakia land—modern-day Darwin—medical students are learning how nature can heal.”
For example, they introduce us to the notoriously lethal cycad seeds, which they casually admit are highly toxic and can lead to rapid liver cell death. But don’t worry, because after the seeds undergo an extensive treatment process of washing and re-washing, the Larrakia people grind them up to make bread, and they can apparently also be used for pain relief.
Call me old-fashioned, but I’m not entirely sure I want my future GP prescribing a hazardous, labour-intensive seed that risks destroying my internal organs, when I can pick up a box of paracetamol from Aldi for 69 cents that does the exact same job.
They also introduce us to the Kakadu plum, which is apparently a rich source of Vitamin C. You know what else is a rich source of Vitamin C? An orange! But a standard supermarket orange doesn’t tick the necessary virtue-signalling boxes for the ABC’s editorial guidelines.
And just one more: small sea snails, called periwinkles, which are naturally high in iron. The ABC notes that pregnant women eat them as a traditional supplement.
Because nothing says “advanced maternal healthcare” quite like encouraging a heavily pregnant woman to wade through muddy, crocodile-infested mangrove waters foraging for snails, rather than just handing her an iron tablet at an antenatal clinic.
So next time you’re booked in for major surgery, let’s just hope your doctor spent plenty of time studying those traditional bush remedies. After all, why settle for the cutting edge of modern science when you can experience the absolute oldest medicine on Earth?
MUSIC
Allégro by Emmit Fenn
The ABC is now celebrating medical students learning “the oldest medicine on Earth.” Why rely on modern science when you can harvest highly toxic cycad seeds or wade through croc-infested swamps for iron-rich snails? I’ll stick to my 69c Aldi paracetamol.
In this week’s Friday Focus—yes, I know it’s a day early, but tomorrow I’ll be marooned in transit—we’re looking at the news that Australia’s oldest medicine is apparently making a comeback.
Your taxpayer-funded ABC recently informed us that the “oldest continually practised medicine” on Earth is now being passed on to medical students. Thanks to the eagle-eyed viewers who flagged this one.
Now, it’s true that Aboriginal Australians—historically, in what must have been a disease-free paradise before colonisation and modern medicine ruined it, used native plants and grubs as bush medicine for tens of thousands of years. Look closely at this promotional photo and you can even see an ancient healing strip deployed on the wrist. Yet today, despite decades of failed closing-the-gap initiatives, we’re apparently treating our future doctors to a masterclass in traditional bush rubs and herbal remedies.
I would have thought the goal was to teach our doctors the best available medicine, not the oldest. Or is that just me?
And just so we’re entirely clear that this sudden mainstream push is purely philanthropic—driven strictly by a selfless desire to advance human health and absolutely nothing else—here is a 400-gram tub of traditional Arrethe Bush Balm. It’s essentially a mix of that famously Aboriginal essential oil, olive oil, beeswax, and a native shrub, and at a cool 150 dollars a pop, it’s an absolute steal.
But back to the ABC’s unpaid promotional campaign, titled: “Tomorrow’s doctors are learning from the oldest surviving culture.” They enthusiastically note that “on Larrakia land—modern-day Darwin—medical students are learning how nature can heal.”
For example, they introduce us to the notoriously lethal cycad seeds, which they casually admit are highly toxic and can lead to rapid liver cell death. But don’t worry, because after the seeds undergo an extensive treatment process of washing and re-washing, the Larrakia people grind them up to make bread, and they can apparently also be used for pain relief.
Call me old-fashioned, but I’m not entirely sure I want my future GP prescribing a hazardous, labour-intensive seed that risks destroying my internal organs, when I can pick up a box of paracetamol from Aldi for 69 cents that does the exact same job.
They also introduce us to the Kakadu plum, which is apparently a rich source of Vitamin C. You know what else is a rich source of Vitamin C? An orange! But a standard supermarket orange doesn’t tick the necessary virtue-signalling boxes for the ABC’s editorial guidelines.
And just one more: small sea snails, called periwinkles, which are naturally high in iron. The ABC notes that pregnant women eat them as a traditional supplement.
Because nothing says “advanced maternal healthcare” quite like encouraging a heavily pregnant woman to wade through muddy, crocodile-infested mangrove waters foraging for snails, rather than just handing her an iron tablet at an antenatal clinic.
So next time you’re booked in for major surgery, let’s just hope your doctor spent plenty of time studying those traditional bush remedies. After all, why settle for the cutting edge of modern science when you can experience the absolute oldest medicine on Earth?
MUSIC
Allégro by Emmit Fenn
