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The School of Life | Why Our Loved Ones Hurt Us @theschooloflifetv | Uploaded March 2022 | Updated October 2024, 1 week ago.
A surprising amount of suffering is inflicted upon us by those who ostensibly love us. An explanation can be found by understanding the psychology of cruelty.

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“Part of why it is so hard to understand ourselves is that people are constantly doing things to us that defy the common-sense of view of how human beings might plausibly behave around people they claim to care about. We expect that those who might carry the title of mum or dad or husband or wife would, unless they had very clear reasons to do otherwise, show us kindness. And yet the brutal reality (which we must take on board for our own sanity) is that humans are frequently beset by feelings that are so intolerable and difficult, they develop urges to pass them on to others in a version of emotional pass the parcel…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Alix Bortoli: Direction, design, edit and
Martin Leman: animation

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions
valeproductions.co.uk

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$What Is It to Be Emotionally Mature: Part One Part Two: https://youtu.be/TuE7uDd_kfY Enjoying our Youtube videos? Get full access to all our audio content, videos, and thousands of thought-provoking articles, conversation cards and more with The School of Life Subscription: https://t.ly/s_nMb Be more mindful, present and inspired. Get the best of The School of Life delivered straight to your inbox: https://t.ly/xK6Mo FURTHER READING You can read more on this and other subjects here: https://9qq0.short.gy/j24Tal “Emotional maturity is a state few of us ever reach - or at least not for very long. But it may help us to try to lay out what some of the ingredients are so that we have an idea what we might aim for: If we were to grow into emotionally mature people, this is some of what we would have learnt how to be: - We would understand the key role of self-understanding in helping us to grow into more reliable and predictable partners, parents, friends and colleagues. Our greatest ambition would be to reach a heightened understanding of our own minds. - We would constantly be aware of not being able to complete more than a fraction of this elevated goal and would hence be deeply cautious in all our assertions and conclusions. ‘Sorry’, ‘perhaps’ and ‘maybe’ would be some of our favourite words. - We would recognise what unfaithful allies our conscious minds are for the project of self-discovery; how much of us wants to know ourselves and how very much more doesn’t want to in the least. We would be humbled by the strength of our inclinations to distraction and denial. - We would properly realise that we were going to die and would put this terrifying thought to use on a daily basis to nudge us towards greater appreciation, authenticity and focus. It would help us to say, at points, and at last, ‘no.’ - We would realise, with considerable dark humour, that we were fools. We are idiots now, we were idiots then and we will be idiots tomorrow. There are few other options for a human being. - We would shed our pride; we would realise how much we constantly misunderstand - and never more so than when we begin to have faith in our competence and sanity. - We would acknowledge the influence of the body on the mind. We may sink into existential despair not because there is anything objectively tragic at hand, but because we are in urgent need of an orange juice or missed out on an hour of sleep. - We would respect the art of diplomacy and the importance of politeness; we would acknowledge the surprising thought that other people may be just as easily hurt as we are. - We would learn, painfully, to use language to give those around us an indication of what is at play within us. We wouldnt hold it against them that they didnt understand things we had never bothered to teach them. - We would realise how much others long for warmth and reassurance and would be less inhibited about offering those two very serious categories of gifts: cosiness and sweetness. - We would acknowledge that it was impossible to be friends with, or liked by, everyone. Attempting to please universally ultimately only leads to offending many; we would know how to disappoint frankly and quickly to avoid drawn-out appeasement. - We would feel more carefree at the idea of being strange. Public opinion would matter less, because we would have seen enough of the shallowness and reflex moralism of crowds. This would be our one life, we would know; and we would have the courage to be oddballs where we needed to be. - We would take our own boredom as a guide. Everyone else might declare it a brilliant book or an extraordinary play. We might toss it aside or walk out. This is some of what we might think and feel if we ever became those paragons of true intelligence: emotionally mature people.” MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE Watch more films on SELF in our playlist: http://bit.ly/TSOLself SOCIAL MEDIA Feel free to follow us at the links below: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theschooloflifelondon/ X: https://twitter.com/TheSchoolOfLife Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theschooloflifelondon/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-school-of-life-for-business/ CREDITS Produced in collaboration with: Hannah O’Brien https://www.hanobrien.com/ Title animation produced in collaboration with Graeme Probert www.gpmotion.co.uk$

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$Things You Have to Forget in Order to Live #theschooloflife #life #animation Enjoying our Youtube videos? Get full access to all our audio content, videos, and thousands of thought-provoking articles, conversation cards and more with The School of Life Subscription: https://t.ly/o2Ko1 Learn, heal and grow. Get the best of The School of Life delivered straight to your inbox: https://t.ly/fLL3V FURTHER READING You can read more on this and other subjects in our articles, here: https://www.theschooloflife.com/articles/ “(1)We tend to imagine that in order to live a good life, we need to have to have an appetite for the truth. (2)But what if, in reality, in order to keep going and get anything done, we actually need to blind ourselves to a range of realities and have to swallow a number of illusions without which we couldn’t possibly have the willpower to continue. (3)Here are some of the blind spots necessary to our flourishing. (4)First and foremost, we need to pretend that we’re not going to die and therefore have to convince ourselves that all the things we fervently trust are so important and so urgent, really do matter and won’t look like incomprehensible, futile mulch within a hundred years or less. (5)We have to care manically about what ‘others’ think - though they hardly give us a thought, let alone a fair one. (6)We have to imagine that we could (one day) be loved and understood - though few things are, in fact, ever more in doubt. (7)We have to stay on our side - though we know, in our hearts, how beastly and strange we really are. (8)We have to melt at the cuteness of small children - though we know how most of them will turn out and that the world we’re teaching them about doesn’t really exist. (9)We have to look forward to the next few years with excitement - though almost every new day is a scratchy six or below. (10)We have to believe that we’re collectively making progress - though every invention unleashes a necessary set of appalling unintended consequences. (11)We have to care about humanity - though most of its members are insufferable from close up. (12)We have to look forward to the future - though if we had a chance to learn what fate had in store, we almost certainly would not want to know. (13)We have to keep being excited about buying things - though we know how seldom any of them make a difference. (14)We have to keep going travelling - though being somewhere else is always better in memory or anticipation. (15)We have to keep seeing our so-called friends - though we would be crushed by hearing a fraction of what really goes through their minds. (16)We have to believe in a comfortable, wise old age - though it will mostly be agony, aches and catheters. (17)We have to not properly notice how beautiful, interesting and opportunity-filled life is - in case we were to go mad from excitement and regret. (18)In short, let’s not fool ourselves that we really want to know the full truth. We require only so much of it as is compatible with making it out of bed. We have to confront an uncomfortable fact about self-awareness: those who most know how to enjoy life may also be those who - at points - are masters at fruitfully lying to themselves.” MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE Watch more films on SELF in our playlist: http://bit.ly/TSOLself SOCIAL MEDIA Feel free to follow us at the links below: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theschooloflifelondon/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheSchoolOfLife Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theschooloflifelondon/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-school-of-life-for-business/ CREDITS Produced in collaboration with: Deanca Rentysata https://www.deancarensyta.com/ Title animation produced in collaboration with Graeme Probert www.gpmotion.co.uk$

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