CsillaLoli | when did I...? | vent @CsillaLoli | Uploaded 6 years ago | Updated 22 hours ago
tbh i've wanted to talk to someone for a while now but right before i send any attempt, i back out... either out of fear that my crap will isolate me more or regret that i can't even keep my head up above this shit. like one moment, i'm fine. i'm enjoying chatting with my friends, i'm enjoying the little things in my life &then suddenly i want to curl out and shut everyone out. i become torn between talking to the people i know make me happy. make me forget. and erasing my existence. no, i don't mean suicide. deleting every online account that i have and just disappearing but i won't. i can't because if i do, it'll be like accepting all my fears that i'm not all that important. that i'm not someone that people would miss if they disappeared and that fear kills me every time it bubbles to the surface. i was never one to think highly of myself until i found my passion in writing. it boosted my confidence and for a while, i thought i had something special but when my anxiety got so bad, it destroyed everything. it took away the thing i loved to do, two years later: i can barely write, anything i post has taken countless months or it dates back to before i fell apart...

my anxiety has gotten worse again, i have to take twice the melatonin to overpower my mind but i still wake up tired and work certainly isn't helping. not that i can even quit my job at the moment, i'll apply to other places but then my fear that i'm either walking into a worse situation or i won't be accepted crosses my mind and i end up skipping interviews.

i'm pretty sure i've started failing at hiding it in rl but i know i'm too far gone to even care anymore. its probably one of the main reasons i decided to make a vent edit. i don't want to "hop back on medication". i want help. i want to be stuck in a room with a therapist and vent until i'm a sobbing mess because that's what i am: a mess. a stubborn mess who constantly attempts to hide how low she's feeling by bottling everything up until someone "triggers" her to let slip how shitty she feel. how tired she feels.

anyone who has seen any of my other vents knows that kaori is used every time because i relate most with her... but katsuki. at one point, i had his level of confidence when it came to my writing. i thought highly of myself especially with the beautiful reviews/comments i got but now... now when i get comments that used to give me a high, there's nothing. a small smile but i don't feel "on top of the world" anymore.

i don't know what to do anymore, all the little things I do to give myself a release are short-lived and fleeting. i keep hoping that burying myself with reading fanfics, browsing fanart, chatting with friends, and editing will tide me over until i can actually see a day when i'm not constantly battling. its exhausting. i'm so tired of it all. hell, there are moments when i wonder: what did i do wrong? am i that bad of a person to be treated badly by some of my in-laws? to be constantly surrounded by how bad my life has become? i mean, my house is a literal image of what my anxiety is like: everything's okay until a storm comes and suddenly you're watching a growing crack in the roof, hoping it doesn't crumble.

i know everyone is going to tell me to take time for myself but i can't. i have no time to take time off for myself. i need the money i make by constantly going over my scheduled hours to be able to survive another pay cycle. and currently the hope that teddy is able to make it in keeps slipping from our grasp but i can't let anyone know i'm terrified that the life i have might be the very one i'm stuck with. one that has no means of ever getting better.

idk maybe i am just a horrible person, whose finally getting what she deserves. i've lied, cheated, and bullied in my past. i've belittled my younger brother and an entire gender growing up. who cares if for the past ten years i've been working hard to make up for it? who cares if i've been 100% honest with the person i'm in a relationship with finally. who cares that i'm trying to build a better relationship with my little brother? who cares that i'm trying to repent for hurting some of the people in my life