Uploaded July 2026 | Updated September 2026, 2 weeks ago
Your friend says they're in love. You think they're addicted. They call it a breakthrough revelation — you call it a cult. Same behavior, opposite verdict. What actually separates a good commitment from a bad one, and who's responsible when it goes wrong?
This video argues that a commitment is a habit — a groove worn by your internal self-control interacting with external constraints, like a road you learn to drive half-asleep. Grooves can turn into ruts. The same mechanism that produces a healthy relationship, a genuine faith, or a life-changing mentor also produces addiction, brainwashing, and cult loyalty. The only real difference is your prognosis — your bet on how it's going to turn out.
Along the way: why humans are "FOMO Sapiens," why free will is basically an oxymoron (we don't actually want total freedom — we want a ratchet: freedom to rise, determinism to stop us from falling), and why "live and let live" quietly breaks down the moment someone's commitment leads to real harm.
CHAPTERS
00:00 Loaded words: love vs. addiction, faith vs. crutch, revelation vs. brainwashing
01:35 What a commitment actually is: habits as grooves and ruts
03:02 FOMO Sapiens: why humans can't stop imagining the exit
04:10 When a groove becomes a rut: the irony of commitment
05:27 Free will, blame, and why we really just want a ratchet
06:52 Taking credit, dodging blame: feelings and prognosis
08:13 Why "live and let live" fails once commitments collide
#Psychology #FreeWill #Habits #SelfImprovement #Philosophy #Addiction #Relationships #MentalHealth #CultPsychology
----
I'm Jeremy Sherman, PhD, a strategic consultant since 1997, specializing in dealing with jerks and doubts.
For a free trial session, email me at js@jeremysherman.com
𝐅𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤: facebook.com/jeremysherm
DEALING WITH JERKS
jerkology.net
BLOG: psychologytoday.com/us/blog/jerkology
BOOK: What's Up With A**holes? How to spot and stop them without becoming one.
https://a.co/d/6QDQwrY
AUDIOBOOK: youtube.com/watch?v=iLerthdU4Jw&t
DEALING WITH DOUBTS
adaptivestrategies.net
BLOG: psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ambigamy
BOOK: Negotiate with Yourself and Win: Doubt Management Skills for People Who Can Hear Themselves Think: https://a.co/d/brJpNli
Though informal, I'll argue that my approach is more scientific than a lot of what passes for big picture science. It is really abstract engineering researchers claiming we've got this or that add-on feature without explaining how we got it. That makes for excellent engineering, but it's no more rigorous than supernatural explanations.
For 30 years, I've worked closely with Harvard/Berkeley biologist/neuroscientist Terrence Deacon on developing fully scientific explanations for phenomena assumed by other researchers.
Some examples:
LIFE'S STRUGGLE FOR EXISTENCE: DNA and natural selection don't explain it. We have an entirely natural explanation for how self-regenerating beings (like us) could emerge from chemistry and evolve (by natural selection) the capacity to use DNA molecules.
MOTIVATION: Psychologists just assume it. When they see effort, they assume a motivation, which is like assuming a "soul." We have an explanation for what effort and motivation physically are: Not something added to chemistry but the way chemistry can limit itself by channeling energy into work to regenerate itself.
NARCISSISM: Psychologists say that if you've got these symptoms, you have a thing called Narcissism. I explain how humans, having evolved language, can imagine the ideal, see where we fall short, and self-idealize to compensate. It's something we all do. I study how it gets out of hand and becomes addictive.
My book on our research: Neither Ghost Nor Machine: The Emergence and Nature of Selves (Columbia University Press, 2017) https://a.co/d/9ZNyT7E
My PhD is in decision science. I'm a soulnerd with a deeply connected heart and head. This stuff is my non-spiritual path. I live and breathe my work. It's not some abstract intellectual exercise.
Nor is it art. Science is a campaign to find natural explanations for all natural phenomena – natural, not supernatural - about which you can believe anything.
Still, I try to make this stuff fun, intuitive, and useful. I've written over 1,100 blog articles for Psychology Today on practical decision-making and everything we all go through (11 million views). Their editor-in-chief calls it, "Mind candy for people who aren't afraid to think."
Your friend says they're in love. You think they're addicted. They call it a breakthrough revelation — you call it a cult. Same behavior, opposite verdict. What actually separates a good commitment from a bad one, and who's responsible when it goes wrong?
This video argues that a commitment is a habit — a groove worn by your internal self-control interacting with external constraints, like a road you learn to drive half-asleep. Grooves can turn into ruts. The same mechanism that produces a healthy relationship, a genuine faith, or a life-changing mentor also produces addiction, brainwashing, and cult loyalty. The only real difference is your prognosis — your bet on how it's going to turn out.
Along the way: why humans are "FOMO Sapiens," why free will is basically an oxymoron (we don't actually want total freedom — we want a ratchet: freedom to rise, determinism to stop us from falling), and why "live and let live" quietly breaks down the moment someone's commitment leads to real harm.
CHAPTERS
00:00 Loaded words: love vs. addiction, faith vs. crutch, revelation vs. brainwashing
01:35 What a commitment actually is: habits as grooves and ruts
03:02 FOMO Sapiens: why humans can't stop imagining the exit
04:10 When a groove becomes a rut: the irony of commitment
05:27 Free will, blame, and why we really just want a ratchet
06:52 Taking credit, dodging blame: feelings and prognosis
08:13 Why "live and let live" fails once commitments collide
#Psychology #FreeWill #Habits #SelfImprovement #Philosophy #Addiction #Relationships #MentalHealth #CultPsychology
----
I'm Jeremy Sherman, PhD, a strategic consultant since 1997, specializing in dealing with jerks and doubts.
For a free trial session, email me at js@jeremysherman.com
𝐅𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤: facebook.com/jeremysherm
DEALING WITH JERKS
jerkology.net
BLOG: psychologytoday.com/us/blog/jerkology
BOOK: What's Up With A**holes? How to spot and stop them without becoming one.
https://a.co/d/6QDQwrY
AUDIOBOOK: youtube.com/watch?v=iLerthdU4Jw&t
DEALING WITH DOUBTS
adaptivestrategies.net
BLOG: psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ambigamy
BOOK: Negotiate with Yourself and Win: Doubt Management Skills for People Who Can Hear Themselves Think: https://a.co/d/brJpNli
Though informal, I'll argue that my approach is more scientific than a lot of what passes for big picture science. It is really abstract engineering researchers claiming we've got this or that add-on feature without explaining how we got it. That makes for excellent engineering, but it's no more rigorous than supernatural explanations.
For 30 years, I've worked closely with Harvard/Berkeley biologist/neuroscientist Terrence Deacon on developing fully scientific explanations for phenomena assumed by other researchers.
Some examples:
LIFE'S STRUGGLE FOR EXISTENCE: DNA and natural selection don't explain it. We have an entirely natural explanation for how self-regenerating beings (like us) could emerge from chemistry and evolve (by natural selection) the capacity to use DNA molecules.
MOTIVATION: Psychologists just assume it. When they see effort, they assume a motivation, which is like assuming a "soul." We have an explanation for what effort and motivation physically are: Not something added to chemistry but the way chemistry can limit itself by channeling energy into work to regenerate itself.
NARCISSISM: Psychologists say that if you've got these symptoms, you have a thing called Narcissism. I explain how humans, having evolved language, can imagine the ideal, see where we fall short, and self-idealize to compensate. It's something we all do. I study how it gets out of hand and becomes addictive.
My book on our research: Neither Ghost Nor Machine: The Emergence and Nature of Selves (Columbia University Press, 2017) https://a.co/d/9ZNyT7E
My PhD is in decision science. I'm a soulnerd with a deeply connected heart and head. This stuff is my non-spiritual path. I live and breathe my work. It's not some abstract intellectual exercise.
Nor is it art. Science is a campaign to find natural explanations for all natural phenomena – natural, not supernatural - about which you can believe anything.
Still, I try to make this stuff fun, intuitive, and useful. I've written over 1,100 blog articles for Psychology Today on practical decision-making and everything we all go through (11 million views). Their editor-in-chief calls it, "Mind candy for people who aren't afraid to think."
