Uploaded September 2018 | Updated September 2026, 1 hour ago
The Phil Swifter will save us all from the Boat Menace...
I. Bondma - In the first break. In the first Infomercial, when the Rubber first lengthened, one stood. Burned by the false promises of lesser products. He chose the path of perpetual sealing. In his ravenous gluing, he found no peace; and with boiling FLEX SEAL he scoured the TV channels, seeking vengeance against the brands who had wronged him. He wore the Shirt of the FLEX brand, and those that tasted the adhesive of his tape named him... The Phil Swifter.
II. Demiboat - Bonded by the super strong adhesion of FLEX TAPE, his circular saw remained steadfast through the hull that held the boat upon the water. He set forth without thrift, and sealed the leaks of his boat with precise intentionality.
Unsinkable, inpenetrable, unleaking. None could stand before the set but the Phil Swifter, for he alone was the Pitchman.
III. Adhesma - They knew he would come, as he always had, as he always will, to stab at the base of the bucket. The Phil Swifter sought to prove the powers of his product. Damage spread before him, like a chainsaw, striking holes into the props before him, driving to deeper and wider leaks. His power grew. Swift and indiscriminately.
IV. The Eternal Seal - Blinded by his fogged protective goggles, the glue drew him in. The FLEX brand filled his rubberized glue within the can. The mark of FLEX SEAL was stamped upon the can, a reminder to all the masses that the power of FLEX SEAL could bond, seal, and repair even the toughest leaks. And here it bonds still. Evermore, in silent... sealing.
Credit to Reddit user u/big_boyo for writing this out with me.
The Phil Swifter will save us all from the Boat Menace...
I. Bondma - In the first break. In the first Infomercial, when the Rubber first lengthened, one stood. Burned by the false promises of lesser products. He chose the path of perpetual sealing. In his ravenous gluing, he found no peace; and with boiling FLEX SEAL he scoured the TV channels, seeking vengeance against the brands who had wronged him. He wore the Shirt of the FLEX brand, and those that tasted the adhesive of his tape named him... The Phil Swifter.
II. Demiboat - Bonded by the super strong adhesion of FLEX TAPE, his circular saw remained steadfast through the hull that held the boat upon the water. He set forth without thrift, and sealed the leaks of his boat with precise intentionality.
Unsinkable, inpenetrable, unleaking. None could stand before the set but the Phil Swifter, for he alone was the Pitchman.
III. Adhesma - They knew he would come, as he always had, as he always will, to stab at the base of the bucket. The Phil Swifter sought to prove the powers of his product. Damage spread before him, like a chainsaw, striking holes into the props before him, driving to deeper and wider leaks. His power grew. Swift and indiscriminately.
IV. The Eternal Seal - Blinded by his fogged protective goggles, the glue drew him in. The FLEX brand filled his rubberized glue within the can. The mark of FLEX SEAL was stamped upon the can, a reminder to all the masses that the power of FLEX SEAL could bond, seal, and repair even the toughest leaks. And here it bonds still. Evermore, in silent... sealing.
Credit to Reddit user u/big_boyo for writing this out with me.
