Uploaded January 2009 | Updated September 2026, 2 weeks ago

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Track 11. 'School Mam'. From the album 'No More Heroes'

Hugh Cornwell: Guitars & Vocals
Jean-Jacques Burnel: Bass & Vocals
Dave Greenfield: Keyboards & Vocals
Jet Black: Drums & Percussion

Produced by Martin Rushent

Engineer: Alan Winstanley

♪♫ A fine day for the classroom and the pupils are here

Timmy's got a headache but the others don't care
Sarah's got to stay behind and help with the drill
Teacher's got his eye on her moves in for the kill
Nobody can see or hear the things that they do

All the books are closed there must be something they do

Only teacher knows about the subjects they span span

Education's secondary - being a school mam
Oooey . . . teacher's doing fine as far as I can see

Being a school mam
Long holidays in the summer
Being a school mam
Free milk in your coffee breaks
Being a school mam
Government paid monthly salary cheques
Being a school mam

Noise is heard the principal investigates
She turns on all the cameras and it's too late
Catches both their pants down in a passion warm
Hasn't seen it happen since the day she was born
Reaches down for glasses that just can't be found

By the time she finds them - why they're down on the ground

Tossing and a'turning they've got feverish hands

Life can be so fluid when you're being a school mam

Oooey . . . teacher's doing fine as far as I can see

Being a school mam
Controlling promiscuity after hours
Being a school mam
Giving out detentions by the dozen
Being a school mam
Give her fifty lines (of speed)
Being a school mam

Sucking on her fingernails she can't believe what she's seen
She seems so engrossed at what appears on the screen
Locks her door with trembling hands
Her heart's beating fast she pretends she's down there
On the floor in the class
Gives herself to teacher although he doesn't know
Works herself into a frenzied state and it shows
Sarah's almost at the top but try as she can
She can't reach her helter skelter down with the school mam
Just watch her go and help her try if you can
Use your twentieth century imagination if you've got any
Oooey . . . now she's at the top and teacher sets her free

Being a school mam
Disgusting behaviour
Being a school mam
All over the parquet flooring

Being a school mam
Let the flood gates open wide
Being a school mam

Now the principal collapses dead on the floor
with
Contentment on her wrinkled old face ever more
She went out the very best way that an old woman can
She was where the action was down there with the school mam
Oooey . . . teacher never will discover who could see

Being a school mam
One and one make two if you are very lucky
Being a school mam
Two twos make four if I remember correctly
Being a school mam
Four fours make sixteen and sixteen's over age
Sixteen and sixteen make thirty-two, that's approaching middle age
Thirty-two and thirty-two make sixty-four, that's OAP land
Sixty-four and sixty-four make one-hundred-and-twenty-eight
One-hundred-and-twenty-eight divided by three
Let me pause for reflection for a second
But teacher
Three does not go into one-hundred-and-twentyeight exactly;
but it goes forty-two and a bit;
43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 49. 1, 49.2, 49.3, 49.4, 49.5, 49.6, 49.7,
49.8, 49.9 (X9)
Fifty ♪♫