Gábor Hényel | Jiddu Krishnamurti on marriage, relationships, family and love @H84Gabor | Uploaded November 2014 | Updated October 2024, 10 hours ago.
"What generally goes under the name of love has nothing to do with love at all. Love is not attraction. If you say 'I love you more than everybody else' that in translation means that 'I'm attracted to you more than to others', 'you draw me more than others', 'you fit the programming in my head better than other people do'; which is not very flattering to you. People sometimes say, 'What does he find in her?', 'What does he see in her?' and then say, 'Love is blind!' Ha ha! Attraction is blind but not love. There is nothing so clear-sighted as love. You know where that 'love' comes from? It comes from you and not from me. It doesn't spring from me. You draw me. What happens the day I cease to be attractive? Well, you hold onto me out of guilt, out of loyalty, out of an ideal, but love in your sense of the word has died, if love for you means attraction. It's gone. That's where attraction always ends up. You're attracted, and if you give into that attraction then gratification follows, and after that wearisomeness, or if it persists then anxiety. 'I hope I can keep this! I hope somebody else doesn't get it!' Possessiveness, jealousy, fear of loss. That isn't love. Another thing that love is not: it is not dependency. Now, it's very good to depend on people, as we all depend on one another or we wouldn't have society. Wonderful! But to depend on another for your happiness is what the evil is - that someone would have the power to decide whether you would be happy or not. If you ever give this power to somebody you'll be fearful. You will manipulate. You cannot leave that person free because your happiness depends on this person. You're a burden. Sometimes you get two empty, two incomplete people depending, leaning on one another like two dominos, and when one moves the other falls. Is that love? Love is not the assuaging of our loneliness. People feel empty inside and they rush to fill the emptiness with someone. They run into other people's arms to assuage the loneliness. That isn't love. Most people who talk about love are talking about a thing of the market. It's a bargain. 'You'll be good to me and I'll be good to you.' 'You'll be nice to me and I'll be nice to you.' It's funny that the moment you're not nice to me those nice feelings I had toward you turned sour. Is that love? Just as you can strike a deal with money you're only striking a deal with your emotions, and that's supposed to be love. Here is another surprise: love is not desire. 'I desire you with all my heart!' Ha ha! You know in as much as I love you I don't desire you. 'I enjoy you thoroughly, but I'm too full to need you.' Centuries ago Buddha had these marvellous words to say: 'The world is full of sorrow. The root of sorrow is desire. The uprooting of sorrow is desirelessness.' Let's translate that better, because by desire he meant a desire on who's fulfillment my happiness depends; and our societies and our cultures are the whole time encouraging us to add to these desires, so we're more and more programmed to unhappiness and to non-love: the world is full of sorrow and the root of sorrow is craving. The uprooting of sorrow is cravinglessness. 'I desire all kinds of things but I don't desperately need anything. If that desire is not fulfilled I'll be quite happy.' Sometimes people say: 'If you had no desire or ambition would you ever achieve anything?' See, that's one of the things we were brainwashed into. They told us that 'if you don't have an ambition you won't do anything.' They forgot that there is so much energy and delight in working, whereas the ambition brings tension. Listen to these marvellous words of the great Chinese sage, Chuang Tzu: 'When an archer shoots for nothing he has all his skills. When he shoots for a brass buckle he is already nervous. When he shoots for a prize of gold he goes blind. He is out of his mind. He sees two targets. His skill has not changed but the prize divides him. He cares. He thinks more of winning than of shooting and the need to win drains him of power.' Isn't that marvellous? It was your ambition that drained you of power. You were driving with your brakes on. You were tense. So the world is full of sorrow and the root of sorrow is craving. Marriages that are built on craving are so fragile. They're so ready to fall apart. 'I have expectations of you and you'd better live up to them or else!' 'You have expectations of me and I'd better live up to them or else!' See, you need me and I need you. I need to find my happiness in you and you need to find your happiness in me; and that's where the struggle begins. That's where the possessiveness begins. But you know, wherever there is desire, in this sense of the word, there is a threat, and where there is a threat there is fear, and where there is fear there is no love, because we always hate what we fear; and perfect love casts out fear." -Anthony de Mello
"Where there is love there is no attachment." -Anthony de Mello
"What generally goes under the name of love has nothing to do with love at all. Love is not attraction. If you say 'I love you more than everybody else' that in translation means that 'I'm attracted to you more than to others', 'you draw me more than others', 'you fit the programming in my head better than other people do'; which is not very flattering to you. People sometimes say, 'What does he find in her?', 'What does he see in her?' and then say, 'Love is blind!' Ha ha! Attraction is blind but not love. There is nothing so clear-sighted as love. You know where that 'love' comes from? It comes from you and not from me. It doesn't spring from me. You draw me. What happens the day I cease to be attractive? Well, you hold onto me out of guilt, out of loyalty, out of an ideal, but love in your sense of the word has died, if love for you means attraction. It's gone. That's where attraction always ends up. You're attracted, and if you give into that attraction then gratification follows, and after that wearisomeness, or if it persists then anxiety. 'I hope I can keep this! I hope somebody else doesn't get it!' Possessiveness, jealousy, fear of loss. That isn't love. Another thing that love is not: it is not dependency. Now, it's very good to depend on people, as we all depend on one another or we wouldn't have society. Wonderful! But to depend on another for your happiness is what the evil is - that someone would have the power to decide whether you would be happy or not. If you ever give this power to somebody you'll be fearful. You will manipulate. You cannot leave that person free because your happiness depends on this person. You're a burden. Sometimes you get two empty, two incomplete people depending, leaning on one another like two dominos, and when one moves the other falls. Is that love? Love is not the assuaging of our loneliness. People feel empty inside and they rush to fill the emptiness with someone. They run into other people's arms to assuage the loneliness. That isn't love. Most people who talk about love are talking about a thing of the market. It's a bargain. 'You'll be good to me and I'll be good to you.' 'You'll be nice to me and I'll be nice to you.' It's funny that the moment you're not nice to me those nice feelings I had toward you turned sour. Is that love? Just as you can strike a deal with money you're only striking a deal with your emotions, and that's supposed to be love. Here is another surprise: love is not desire. 'I desire you with all my heart!' Ha ha! You know in as much as I love you I don't desire you. 'I enjoy you thoroughly, but I'm too full to need you.' Centuries ago Buddha had these marvellous words to say: 'The world is full of sorrow. The root of sorrow is desire. The uprooting of sorrow is desirelessness.' Let's translate that better, because by desire he meant a desire on who's fulfillment my happiness depends; and our societies and our cultures are the whole time encouraging us to add to these desires, so we're more and more programmed to unhappiness and to non-love: the world is full of sorrow and the root of sorrow is craving. The uprooting of sorrow is cravinglessness. 'I desire all kinds of things but I don't desperately need anything. If that desire is not fulfilled I'll be quite happy.' Sometimes people say: 'If you had no desire or ambition would you ever achieve anything?' See, that's one of the things we were brainwashed into. They told us that 'if you don't have an ambition you won't do anything.' They forgot that there is so much energy and delight in working, whereas the ambition brings tension. Listen to these marvellous words of the great Chinese sage, Chuang Tzu: 'When an archer shoots for nothing he has all his skills. When he shoots for a brass buckle he is already nervous. When he shoots for a prize of gold he goes blind. He is out of his mind. He sees two targets. His skill has not changed but the prize divides him. He cares. He thinks more of winning than of shooting and the need to win drains him of power.' Isn't that marvellous? It was your ambition that drained you of power. You were driving with your brakes on. You were tense. So the world is full of sorrow and the root of sorrow is craving. Marriages that are built on craving are so fragile. They're so ready to fall apart. 'I have expectations of you and you'd better live up to them or else!' 'You have expectations of me and I'd better live up to them or else!' See, you need me and I need you. I need to find my happiness in you and you need to find your happiness in me; and that's where the struggle begins. That's where the possessiveness begins. But you know, wherever there is desire, in this sense of the word, there is a threat, and where there is a threat there is fear, and where there is fear there is no love, because we always hate what we fear; and perfect love casts out fear." -Anthony de Mello
"Where there is love there is no attachment." -Anthony de Mello
