Uploaded February 2007 | Updated September 2026, 5 hours ago

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Welcome to the Retort

Colbert lies to the people! And we're here to stop him.

There's a man on TV, with eyes that do not see.
He listens to his Word, and nothing else is heard.

So I'm growing out my follicle banners,
And teaching him some manners!
I am teasing tufted tresses,
Against his truthless truthinesses!
I am putting him on notice
And breaking all his lock-length quotas!
A formidable opponent is my mopular component!

Colbert, I'll never cut my hair!
You say I'm a communist
'Cause I know how to share
And a bleeding heart because I care
About my countrymen,
But I'm still an American,
And, Colbert, I'll never cut my hair!

-Chris White, Rob Cohen, David Haan