DublinChatOnlineTV | Irish humor. Enjoy real Irish & Dublin accent. Ирландский юмор. Изучаем разговорный английский. @dublinchatonlineTV | Uploaded December 2011 | Updated October 2024, 20 hours ago.
Some popular Irish jokes:
Dirty Laundry.
A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
Her Body's a Temple.
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
Lost in the store.
'Follow the written instructions and you can't get lost in the building,' said the security man to Sean Flynn freshly up from the country and looking around a major Dublin store for the first time.
Awe-struck, young Flynn made his way around the building. But, all too soon, he returned, slightly dejected, to the security man.
'Look,' said Sean, 'I've tried my best. The door marked 'Push' I pushed. The door marked 'Pull' I pulled. But when I got to the big door that said 'Lift' -I couldn't get it off the floor!
Hurricane Women
Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're
wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.
THIS GUY WAS DRIVING IN A CAR WITH A BLONDE. HE TOLD HER TO STICK HER HEAD OUT THE WINDOW AND SEE IF THE BLINKERS WERE WORKING.
SHE STUCK HER HEAD OUT AND SAID "YES, NO, YES, NO, YES, NO, YES.....
Chicken and Horse
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
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Some popular Irish jokes:
Dirty Laundry.
A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
Her Body's a Temple.
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
Lost in the store.
'Follow the written instructions and you can't get lost in the building,' said the security man to Sean Flynn freshly up from the country and looking around a major Dublin store for the first time.
Awe-struck, young Flynn made his way around the building. But, all too soon, he returned, slightly dejected, to the security man.
'Look,' said Sean, 'I've tried my best. The door marked 'Push' I pushed. The door marked 'Pull' I pulled. But when I got to the big door that said 'Lift' -I couldn't get it off the floor!
Hurricane Women
Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're
wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.
THIS GUY WAS DRIVING IN A CAR WITH A BLONDE. HE TOLD HER TO STICK HER HEAD OUT THE WINDOW AND SEE IF THE BLINKERS WERE WORKING.
SHE STUCK HER HEAD OUT AND SAID "YES, NO, YES, NO, YES, NO, YES.....
Chicken and Horse
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
1. Vote for your favourite answer using the 0:00 time format (2:52 for example). Youtube will automatically link that answer to your comment.
2. Suggest your own questions.
3. Comment.
4. Subscribe to watch our new stories (we have lots of interesting questions to ask).
For business contacts please use dublinchatonlinetv [at] gmail.com
You can add any of our videos to your channel or you can embed them on your website but please note that all of them are copyrigth protected.
Copyright © DublinChatOnlineTV
