Uploaded March 2025 | Updated September 2026, 12 hours ago
The 3-hour-long uncut split-screen version of the interview w/ Lundy is now available for tier 2 channel members and at the shop: shop.mndflds.com/products
Why do domestic abusers do what they do? Can they change? What can a woman do when she is in an abusive relationship, and how can you support her as a friend or relative? These and other questions are answered by domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft.
Lundy Bancroft is an author, workshop leader, and consultant on domestic abuse and child maltreatment. He wrote "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" and other books.
00:00 Intro / Bancroft's background
06:46 Abusers' Ideas of Service / Enforcement / Entitlement
09:18 Defining Physical Abuse & Other Types of Abuse
13:55 Abusers Want an Unequal Relationship
15:56 How Do You Know You're In An Abusive Relationship?
20:21 Backing Away From An Abuser
22:08 Abusers Can Look Totally Normal In Other Contexts
24:38 The Abuser Mentality: "You're On This Earth To Make Me Happy"
29:30 Does the Abuser Know What He's Doing?
33:16 Why It's Hard to Leave an Abusive Relationship
35:25 Why NOT to Tell the Woman to Leave the Relationship
40:10 Why Couples Therapy Isn't the Solution / Societal Training
44:06 "Narcissist" or Domestic Abuser? Personality Disorder?
49:23 You Can't Judge a Batterer from the Outside
50:55 The Problematic Underpinning of Psychology
54:09 Problems with Family/Couples Counseling for Abuse
01:00:55 Love vs Respect in Relationships
01:03:45 The Abuser Tactic of "Defining Reality" / How Can She Hold onto Reality
01:10:42 How to Help Your Children if You're In an Abusive Relationship
01:17:34 How Abusers Sow Divisions Between Moms and Children
lundybancroft.com -- for more on Bancroft.
For more information about BORDERLINE, the feature-length documentary we made about BPD, please visit: borderlinethefilm.com
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If you need help:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a 24-hour confidential service for survivors, victims and those affected by domestic violence, intimate partner violence and relationship abuse. Advocates are available at 1-800-799-SAFE and through online chatting at www.TheHotline.org. All calls are free and confidential.
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network Hotline (RAINN): 1 (800) 656-4673
rainn.org/content/online-hotline
Disclaimer: "Please be advised this video may contain sensitive information. All content found within this publication (VIDEO) is provided for informational purposes only. All cases may differ, and the information provided is a general guide. The content is not intended to be used as a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have specific questions about a medical condition, you should consult your doctor or other qualified medical professional for assistance or questions you have regarding a medical condition. Studio Comma The, LLC and BorderlinerNotes does not recommend any specific course of medical remedy, physicians, products,opinion, or other information.
Studio Comma The, LLC and BorderlinerNotes expressly disclaims responsibility and shall have no liability for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffering as a result of reliance on the information in this publication. If you or someone you know is considering self-harm or suicide, it’s okay to ask for help. 24 hour support is provided by hopeline-nc.org (877.235.4525), suicidepreventionlifeline.org (800.273.8255), kidshelpphone.ca (800.668.6868).”
The 3-hour-long uncut split-screen version of the interview w/ Lundy is now available for tier 2 channel members and at the shop: shop.mndflds.com/products
Why do domestic abusers do what they do? Can they change? What can a woman do when she is in an abusive relationship, and how can you support her as a friend or relative? These and other questions are answered by domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft.
Lundy Bancroft is an author, workshop leader, and consultant on domestic abuse and child maltreatment. He wrote "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" and other books.
00:00 Intro / Bancroft's background
06:46 Abusers' Ideas of Service / Enforcement / Entitlement
09:18 Defining Physical Abuse & Other Types of Abuse
13:55 Abusers Want an Unequal Relationship
15:56 How Do You Know You're In An Abusive Relationship?
20:21 Backing Away From An Abuser
22:08 Abusers Can Look Totally Normal In Other Contexts
24:38 The Abuser Mentality: "You're On This Earth To Make Me Happy"
29:30 Does the Abuser Know What He's Doing?
33:16 Why It's Hard to Leave an Abusive Relationship
35:25 Why NOT to Tell the Woman to Leave the Relationship
40:10 Why Couples Therapy Isn't the Solution / Societal Training
44:06 "Narcissist" or Domestic Abuser? Personality Disorder?
49:23 You Can't Judge a Batterer from the Outside
50:55 The Problematic Underpinning of Psychology
54:09 Problems with Family/Couples Counseling for Abuse
01:00:55 Love vs Respect in Relationships
01:03:45 The Abuser Tactic of "Defining Reality" / How Can She Hold onto Reality
01:10:42 How to Help Your Children if You're In an Abusive Relationship
01:17:34 How Abusers Sow Divisions Between Moms and Children
lundybancroft.com -- for more on Bancroft.
For more information about BORDERLINE, the feature-length documentary we made about BPD, please visit: borderlinethefilm.com
---
If you need help:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a 24-hour confidential service for survivors, victims and those affected by domestic violence, intimate partner violence and relationship abuse. Advocates are available at 1-800-799-SAFE and through online chatting at www.TheHotline.org. All calls are free and confidential.
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network Hotline (RAINN): 1 (800) 656-4673
rainn.org/content/online-hotline
Disclaimer: "Please be advised this video may contain sensitive information. All content found within this publication (VIDEO) is provided for informational purposes only. All cases may differ, and the information provided is a general guide. The content is not intended to be used as a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have specific questions about a medical condition, you should consult your doctor or other qualified medical professional for assistance or questions you have regarding a medical condition. Studio Comma The, LLC and BorderlinerNotes does not recommend any specific course of medical remedy, physicians, products,opinion, or other information.
Studio Comma The, LLC and BorderlinerNotes expressly disclaims responsibility and shall have no liability for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffering as a result of reliance on the information in this publication. If you or someone you know is considering self-harm or suicide, it’s okay to ask for help. 24 hour support is provided by hopeline-nc.org (877.235.4525), suicidepreventionlifeline.org (800.273.8255), kidshelpphone.ca (800.668.6868).”
