Uploaded January 2026 | Updated September 2026, 1 day ago
I think I’m depressed… and I’m recording anyway.
This episode is unpolished on purpose — dishwasher running, no clean resolution, just me telling the truth in real time. I talk about leaving a fundamentalist Mormon cult, starting my life over, moving to New York City, making Hearts Unknown, going a year with almost no income, and the fear that taking a sales job again could bury the creative rhythm I’ve fought to find.
If you’ve ever felt stuck between survival and your dream… I get it. And if this helps you feel even 1% less alone, that matters.
Where are you at in your process right now? If anything resonated, tell me in the comments.
Please like the video, subscribe to the channel, and follow me on Instagram: instagram.com/calvinwayman
Time Stamps
0:00 — I think I’m depressed & hitting record anyway 🎙️
1:03 — Why I need to speak even when I feel low 💭
2:26 — Wanting to be real in a polished world 🪞
3:23 — My story: leaving a cult & starting over 🌱
4:46 — Moving to NYC, kids, rebuilding life 🗽
6:10 — Quitting sales to chase something real 🎯
7:46 — Going to Israel & making Hearts Unknown 🎥
9:18 — Putting my art out… and it not popping 📉
11:20 — Still believing in chasing what feels true ❤️
12:53 — Feeling trapped, not knowing what’s next 😔
14:07 — Debt, grinding, and questioning my path 🔄
16:10 — Wanting people to feel less alone 🤝
17:43 — The shame of making almost no money 😶🌫️
18:21 — The “maybe” story & trusting the process 🌾
22:43 — Choosing time with my kids over money 🎄
25:06 — Fear of losing my creative rhythm 🎨
27:37 — Optimism even when things feel dark ✨
29:44 — Facing accountability with myself 🧭
31:07 — What really matters: making meaningful things 💡
33:16 — Pride in surviving a year with no income 🛠️
34:05 — Dreaming of being the next Bourdain 🌍
36:14 — Hoping money can fuel creativity, not kill it 🔥
38:10 — Why structure hits differently after control 🧠
40:24 — Protecting the creative part of me 🌿
41:54 — If others can make it work, maybe I can too 🚀
42:45 — Closing: stay real, stay curious 🤍
I think I’m depressed… and I’m recording anyway.
This episode is unpolished on purpose — dishwasher running, no clean resolution, just me telling the truth in real time. I talk about leaving a fundamentalist Mormon cult, starting my life over, moving to New York City, making Hearts Unknown, going a year with almost no income, and the fear that taking a sales job again could bury the creative rhythm I’ve fought to find.
If you’ve ever felt stuck between survival and your dream… I get it. And if this helps you feel even 1% less alone, that matters.
Where are you at in your process right now? If anything resonated, tell me in the comments.
Please like the video, subscribe to the channel, and follow me on Instagram: instagram.com/calvinwayman
Time Stamps
0:00 — I think I’m depressed & hitting record anyway 🎙️
1:03 — Why I need to speak even when I feel low 💭
2:26 — Wanting to be real in a polished world 🪞
3:23 — My story: leaving a cult & starting over 🌱
4:46 — Moving to NYC, kids, rebuilding life 🗽
6:10 — Quitting sales to chase something real 🎯
7:46 — Going to Israel & making Hearts Unknown 🎥
9:18 — Putting my art out… and it not popping 📉
11:20 — Still believing in chasing what feels true ❤️
12:53 — Feeling trapped, not knowing what’s next 😔
14:07 — Debt, grinding, and questioning my path 🔄
16:10 — Wanting people to feel less alone 🤝
17:43 — The shame of making almost no money 😶🌫️
18:21 — The “maybe” story & trusting the process 🌾
22:43 — Choosing time with my kids over money 🎄
25:06 — Fear of losing my creative rhythm 🎨
27:37 — Optimism even when things feel dark ✨
29:44 — Facing accountability with myself 🧭
31:07 — What really matters: making meaningful things 💡
33:16 — Pride in surviving a year with no income 🛠️
34:05 — Dreaming of being the next Bourdain 🌍
36:14 — Hoping money can fuel creativity, not kill it 🔥
38:10 — Why structure hits differently after control 🧠
40:24 — Protecting the creative part of me 🌿
41:54 — If others can make it work, maybe I can too 🚀
42:45 — Closing: stay real, stay curious 🤍
