Uploaded March 2021 | Updated September 2026, 2 hours ago

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Don't Ask track 10. Thanks to rocketman0739 for providing high-quality versions of these songs.
Download the album here: archive.org/details/filk_dont_ask
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Lyrics:

The streetlamps are on in Chicago tonight
And the lovers are gazing at stars
Stores are all closing and Harold's been chosen
And the fat man's counting the cars
“And there's more cars than places to put 'em,” he says,
“But I've got room for them all!
So round 'em up boys, 'cause I want some more toys;
Hit the lot by the grocery store.”

Chorus:
To me way, hey, tow them away
The Lincoln Park Pirates are we
From Wilmette to Gary, there's none that's so hairy
And we always collect our fee!
To me way, hey, tow them away
We plunder the streets of your town
Be it Edsel or Chevy, there's no car too heavy,
And no one can make us shut down.

“We break into cars when we gotta
With pickaxe and hammer and saw
And they said this garage has no license—
Ha! Little care I for the law!
All my drivers are friendly and courteous
Their good manners you always will get
'Cause they all are recent graduates
Of the ‘charm school’ in Joliet.”

(Chorus)

“And when all the cars are collected
And all of their fenders are ruined
Then we'll tow every boat in Belmont Harbor
To the Lincoln Park Lagoon
And when we've collected the ransom
And sunk all the ones that won't yield
Then we'll tow all the planes that are blocking the runways
At Midway, O'Hare, and Meigs Field.”

To me way, hey, tow them away
The Lincoln Park Pirates are we
From Wilmette to Gary, there's none that's so hairy
And we always collect our fee!
To me way, hey, tow them away—

Now, citizens, gather around
And I think it's enough
And let's call his bluff
Let's tow the bum out of town!