Uploaded August 2023 | Updated September 2026, 2 weeks ago

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Look, it's a story about a guy whose penis falls off, turns into a monster, and then terrorizes the city. There's a military defense contractor, so there's a lot of toxic phallic imagery. Speaking of phallic, there's also a wannabe governor campaigning on state's rights to WMDs. Also, the eponymous monster dick may or may not jump across multiple bodies, regardless of gender.

A dude plays the flute. Another dude beatboxes. There's a restaurant called "Nips & Sips." Toxic masculinity meets the symbiotic power of creative expression ... but with lots of dick.

Critically, this is a story that will never be made into a feature film because there isn't a single studio or platform with the courage to go all in on all dick. I could tell you more, but let's be honest—you already know if you're going to read this one or not. Merry Penis, every one!

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And, hey! There's an (unofficial!) OST, too! Check it out here:
youtube.com/playlist?list=PLLF9WczmM2CuBcMuw4LFJJ3TvIIR5-D84

Don't Be a Monster, Dick! on Goodreads:
goodreads.com/book/show/62646434-don-t-be-a-monster-dick

Written, performed, and produced by Jordan Krumbine
emergencycreative.com
https:/YouTubeBooks.com

This #audiobook is totally free -- if you enjoyed it, please consider leaving a review on Goodreads! Subscribe for more original (and classic) audiobooks!

Great for #youtubepremium background play!

CHAPTERS!

00:07 - Content Warning
02:33 - PROLOGUE: The First Cut
23:29 - CHAPTER 1: Richard & Tess
43:38 - CHAPTER 2: ... and Brad
59:53 - CHAPTER 3: Dick Gobbler, the Skin-Flute Slobberer
01:17:10 - CHAPTER 4: Dropping the Beat
01:34:48 - CHAPTER 5: And the Beat Goes On ...
01:46:21 - CHAPTER 6: A Dick Stuck in a Dick (Metaphorically Speaking)
02:03:25 - CHAPTER 7: Killer Chuck
02:23:54 - CHAPTER 8: Access Denied ... ish
02:47:15 - CHAPTER 9: The Man in the Ivory Tower
03:06:30 - CHAPTER 10: One Mystery Letter, Please
03:14:10 - CHAPTER 11: The Invasion
03:29:29 - CHAPTER 12: Brad Assumes the Best
03:32:04 - CHAPTER 13: A Dick in the Crotch is Worth Two in the -- WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!
03:47:43 - CHAPTER 14: A Dick in a Strange Place
04:06:32 - CHAPTER 15: The Striking Cobra-Like Penis Monster-Thing
04:17:26 - CHAPTER 16: Nips & Sips
04:34:24 - CHAPTER 17: Nips & Sips & Monster Dick Tips
04:46:29 - CHAPTER 18: A Dick Thrusting in a Dick ... Metaphorically Speaking
04:54:10 - CHAPTER 19: Superdick/Superhero
05:11:11 - CHAPTER 20: Self-Aware Dick
05:29:00 - CHAPTER 21: Refractory Period
05:41:22 - CHAPTER 22: A Dick in the Wind
05:56:39 - CHAPTER 23: Look, Y’all, Brad’s Bad
06:02:30 - CHAPTER 24: Don’t Be A Dick, Just Look Up
06:15:13 - CHAPTER 25: Justine
06:27:33 - CHAPTER 26: Justine ... Plus One
06:36:07 - CHAPTER 27: The Return of Dick Piccolo?
06:43:12 - CHAPTER 28: About That Prologue ...
07:01:06 - CHAPTER 29: A Not-So-Lovely Bunch of Coconuts
07:16:10 - CHAPTER 30: The Dick that Lit the Match that Set the World of Fire
07:25:59 - CHAPTER 31: The Fire that Unleashed the Dick that F**ked Some S**t Up
07:43:09 - CHAPTER 32: Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor
07:49:59 - CHAPTER 33: A Loyal Dick Would Never Get the Shaft
08:11:22 - CHAPTER 34: ... but didn’t she already have massive balls?
08:21:54 - CHAPTER 35: Chuck is the Hero We Need
08:30:29 - CHAPTER 36: Chuck Versus the Monster C**k
08:44:12 - CHAPTER 37: Dorian King’s Other Office
08:54:59 - CHAPTER 38: Chekhov’s Dick
09:10:41 - CHAPTER 39: You Didn’t Forget About Him, Did You?
09:19:13 - CHAPTER 40: The Many Regrets of the Man in the Ivory Tower
09:28:17 - CHAPTER 41: The One Where They Finally Say the Thing
09:45:02 - EPILOGUE: You Get a Happy Ending, and You Get a Happy Ending, and You Get a Happy Ending ...
09:59:31 - AUTHOR’S NOTE

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