Uploaded September 2019 | Updated September 2026, 1 week ago

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" 'cause the light inside my heart will never fade "

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i've been working on this for a while now. as of today it's been six months since hope passed away. i don't really know what to say. the other day rowan told me that hope had left me a note before she died, and it... really stuck with me. so i wrote a response and decided to start work on this vid. i know she technically can't read my reply or watch this, but here goes.

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September 4, 2019

Dear Hope,

First I want to thank you for taking the time to write me a note. Rowan showed it to me today. You were in so much pain that night, and yet you still took the time to console your friends. That's so thoughtful. I'm astonished and touched by your compassion -- and no one can ever replace how special you are.

It's almost been half a year since you left. I want to say I've been doing okay. I started my freshman year of college and I think you would've been in your senior year of high school. (I wish you'd stuck around long enough for us to talk about it, but you decided to leave, and I don't like that but I know I can't undo your decision.) Yeah, I've been doing okay, but when I think too hard about you I start crying again. I know you wouldn't want that, but I miss you so much.

I felt -- and still kind of feel -- ...like I failed you. Like maybe if I'd kept in touch, or talked more frequently beforehand, or commented on your vids more, it would've made just enough of a difference for you to decide not to fall off the edge. Like maybe if we were better friends, you'd have one more person in your support network, and maybe I could have saved you, but I didn't, because I didn't put enough effort into being your friend. That's what's been on my mind since I got news of your passing.

Then Rowan gave me your note, and…

Knowing I brought you joy? Knowing you had fond memories of me? My stupid rarepairs and crackships and glorified-powerpoint-slideshow videos made you smile? It's the highest honor I could ever possibly have. I'm so glad our friendship wasn't meaningless to you. I'm glad I impacted you enough to bring you a little bit of happiness. You were in so much pain. I'd have done anything to ease that pain a little bit. I guess I did.

I still wish I'd done better. If I'd known -- I SHOULD have known -- I would've stayed up all night trying to talk you out of it. But I wasn't a good enough friend and that'll always be a huge regret of mine. That said… at least I did *something* to make you happy.

Your final wishes for me were to keep being myself and to "keep shipping your amazing crackships and rarepairs okay?" So I'll honor that. I always found happiness in my weird niche ships, but now I'll do it with purpose, because you asked me to. I really hope I continue to make you happy in the future, 'cause I know even if you can't literally watch me, you can feel my emotions and my prayers for you.

Always yours,
Red