Uploaded February 2024 | Updated September 2026, 1 week ago
so I'm back from the mental hospital, and I left with some good coping skills, but of course, mental illness is a lifelong battle, and as bad as mine is, I know I'm still very vulnerable. of course, that makes some people aroused, which is why you know who tried to kill me, but I can't control people and force them to be good.
I think I'm healthy enough to socialize, but I know I can't read YouTube comments and respond because of fear of toxic people triggering me. I also can't return to my own discord because I heard from someone that it's become negative and toxic, which makes me feel very disappointed in everyone. for my safety, I can't come back to that, I left because I was the one who was afraid of being toxic. maybe if you guys fix it, I can come back.
I'm bad at checking my patreon. sitting in my computer chair triggers flashbacks, so I'm on my phone until I can access my computer remotely. when I can, I'll try to be more active on patreon. I also need to launch my NSFW patreon. I have ideas.
no, muffins isn't happening yet. with all of the trauma I've been through because of it, it will be awhile. if you want to whine about it, remember, I ALMOST DIED. they had to force me to throw up my entire stomach and have me on IVs for two days. you know who values muffins more than my life, and they are a narcissistic psychopath, so don't be like them. realize that the old me is gone because of them and their army. muffins had finished, but so many people manipulated me to keep going, and then those same people ruined my life when I wanted to take a break for my mental health. well now my mental health is way worse, and I'm struggling. just be good humans and value life and health over materials please. I wouldn't do this to you, so don't do it to me.
and being surrounded by people in the hospital proved even more to me that people online are wrong about me when they say I'm a narcissist or a bad person, because like always, everyone who meets me in person doesn't feel that way. I even asked the friends I made. no one in person has ever accused me of the same things people online have. TEXT IS NOT RELIABLE. YOU CANNOT HEAR ME. YOU CHOOSE TO READ IT YOUR WAY AND FABRICATE YOUR OWN MEANING. I'VE TOLD YOU THIS FOR YEARS. NO ONE LISTENS TO ME. I've been repeatedly diagnosed with high empathy. all I've ever tried to do was defend myself and protect myself because I HAVE FUCKING PTSD. I'm sorry I took misunderstood your text as a threat and defended myself against you, this hurting an innocent person. mistakes like that don't make me a "terrible person," they make me a human who has been hurt too much. I'm sorry. in a perfect world, we'd all keep calm and ask each other what we meant if we can't understand our text, but just like me, NOBODY is perfect. not a single person. no one. all we can do is apologize and try to do better in the future so we don't repeat those mistakes. that's why I stopped talking to people online, I didn't think I was in a good place to say anything positive, nor handle anything negative. in the end, not socializing backfired on me and hurt me more, but I wasn't going to take anyone down with me. not again. it was a sacrifice that was detrimental to my own health. if I were a narcissist or a manipulator, I wouldn't have given a shit. I would've been an emotional vampire and sucked the life out of everyone I could. my blog posts are enough to reflect that. I cut myself, I made a noose, I found where to get sodium nitrate, I broke down into panic attacks, and I cried every day. not once did I run to someone to leech off of. so fuck you to everyone who made me afraid that I was what you said I was. I wouldn't be with a man with as big of a heart as my husband for over thirteen years if I was. and to everyone who is smart and knows better, whether you like me or not, thank you, and I care about you. you deserve empathy because you give it. empathy and love are more important than being fucking popular on the internet, but some people want to be cult leaders, and they deserve nothing. Waco and Jonestown should teach you something.
and now... a cat.
so I'm back from the mental hospital, and I left with some good coping skills, but of course, mental illness is a lifelong battle, and as bad as mine is, I know I'm still very vulnerable. of course, that makes some people aroused, which is why you know who tried to kill me, but I can't control people and force them to be good.
I think I'm healthy enough to socialize, but I know I can't read YouTube comments and respond because of fear of toxic people triggering me. I also can't return to my own discord because I heard from someone that it's become negative and toxic, which makes me feel very disappointed in everyone. for my safety, I can't come back to that, I left because I was the one who was afraid of being toxic. maybe if you guys fix it, I can come back.
I'm bad at checking my patreon. sitting in my computer chair triggers flashbacks, so I'm on my phone until I can access my computer remotely. when I can, I'll try to be more active on patreon. I also need to launch my NSFW patreon. I have ideas.
no, muffins isn't happening yet. with all of the trauma I've been through because of it, it will be awhile. if you want to whine about it, remember, I ALMOST DIED. they had to force me to throw up my entire stomach and have me on IVs for two days. you know who values muffins more than my life, and they are a narcissistic psychopath, so don't be like them. realize that the old me is gone because of them and their army. muffins had finished, but so many people manipulated me to keep going, and then those same people ruined my life when I wanted to take a break for my mental health. well now my mental health is way worse, and I'm struggling. just be good humans and value life and health over materials please. I wouldn't do this to you, so don't do it to me.
and being surrounded by people in the hospital proved even more to me that people online are wrong about me when they say I'm a narcissist or a bad person, because like always, everyone who meets me in person doesn't feel that way. I even asked the friends I made. no one in person has ever accused me of the same things people online have. TEXT IS NOT RELIABLE. YOU CANNOT HEAR ME. YOU CHOOSE TO READ IT YOUR WAY AND FABRICATE YOUR OWN MEANING. I'VE TOLD YOU THIS FOR YEARS. NO ONE LISTENS TO ME. I've been repeatedly diagnosed with high empathy. all I've ever tried to do was defend myself and protect myself because I HAVE FUCKING PTSD. I'm sorry I took misunderstood your text as a threat and defended myself against you, this hurting an innocent person. mistakes like that don't make me a "terrible person," they make me a human who has been hurt too much. I'm sorry. in a perfect world, we'd all keep calm and ask each other what we meant if we can't understand our text, but just like me, NOBODY is perfect. not a single person. no one. all we can do is apologize and try to do better in the future so we don't repeat those mistakes. that's why I stopped talking to people online, I didn't think I was in a good place to say anything positive, nor handle anything negative. in the end, not socializing backfired on me and hurt me more, but I wasn't going to take anyone down with me. not again. it was a sacrifice that was detrimental to my own health. if I were a narcissist or a manipulator, I wouldn't have given a shit. I would've been an emotional vampire and sucked the life out of everyone I could. my blog posts are enough to reflect that. I cut myself, I made a noose, I found where to get sodium nitrate, I broke down into panic attacks, and I cried every day. not once did I run to someone to leech off of. so fuck you to everyone who made me afraid that I was what you said I was. I wouldn't be with a man with as big of a heart as my husband for over thirteen years if I was. and to everyone who is smart and knows better, whether you like me or not, thank you, and I care about you. you deserve empathy because you give it. empathy and love are more important than being fucking popular on the internet, but some people want to be cult leaders, and they deserve nothing. Waco and Jonestown should teach you something.
and now... a cat.
