Dynamics of Abuse, Bob Hamp MFT | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-04-13 | Bob Hamp, MFT, is an expert on marital abuse in Christian relationships. He’s been a Christian therapist for more than 30 years. We talk today about both male and female victims and why they stay with someone who hurts them. There are 3 videos in this series. See links below:Video #1: DYNAMICS OF ABUSE: The Mis-Assignment of ResponsibilityHere's the problem: Victims of abuse don’t see themselves as victims. They see themselves as "special helpers." Often abuse victims think they can “love their spouse out of his/her trap” or "fill the hole in their heart." So that results in a terrible dynamic:1. The abusers assigns responsibility to the victim to meet their demands or drives2. An abuser makes the victim responsible for the abuser’s choices3. The abuser tells the victim, “You are responsible for keeping the secret.”4. Onlookers ask the victim what they did to cause it.The victim has resources. The abuser has deficits. The abuser wants to give the deficits to the victim and take his/her resources.When the victim finally puts an end to this, they are accused of being vindictive and “giving up too soon,” when in reality, they are finally handing the abuser/addict back his/her own responsibility.Video 1) The Dynamics of Abuse youtu.be/2RFjxNzHbuEVideo 2) How Do I Know If My Spouse Has Really Changed? youtu.be/Cz085lbGi-IVideo 3) My Church Says My Spouse Has Changed, But Has He Really? - youtu.be/dEx-LRT-kYs————ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF ABUSE, read chapter 4 in The Life-Saving Divorce book, or go to www.lifesavingdivorce.com/130examples to understand overt and covert emotional, physical, spiritual, and sexual abuse and neglect.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, substance abuse, etc.Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
1870s Christian Mail-Order Bride Gone Wrong | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2025-08-29 | The true story of a 1870's Christian mail-order bride from Sweden who traveled more than 2,000 miles to meet a young handsome Norwegian man who sent her glowing letters and train fare to come visit him. But things didn't turn out the way she expected.#lifesavingdivorce #nofaultdivorce #narcissist #divorceABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 25 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/lifesavingdivorce.bsky.socialFacebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTwitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical violence, chronic emotional abuse, felony behavior, family-crushing addictions, or abandonment/neglect.My Book: "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Comparison chart of at-fault vs no-fault divorce: lifesavingdivorce.com/nofaulcomparison
Old Divorce Laws: Protecting the Wrong People Gretchen Baskerville 2025-08-25 | This is a short clip from a 20-minute from "The Courageous Battle of Lucy Chapman: Escaping an Abusive Marriage in 1903" - youtu.be/T5NsoZWdYfU?si=4ZZgTmphs-0gMjUkThis episode narrates the remarkable story of Lucy Chapman, who, against all odds, secured a divorce from her alcoholic runaway husband who gambled away the rent and grocery money in 1903, a time when divorce laws were heavily biased against victims—and empowered the marriage-destroyers, by setting up the institution of marriage as all important. Lucy's journey from a struggling farm family to finding freedom and success is a tale of resilience and perseverance. The video explores the oppressive nature of old divorce laws and celebrates the transformative impact of no-fault divorce legislation, which has saved countless lives by empowering victims to escape abusive relationships.00:00 The Remarkable Story of Lucy Chapman00:23 Lucy's Early Life and Marriage01:56 The Struggles Begin03:31 The Harsh Realities of Old Divorce Laws04:58 Lucy's Fight for Freedom11:56 The Impact of No-Fault Divorce17:45 Lucy's New Beginning18:46 George's Downward Spiral19:32 The Legacy of Lucy's CourageFind out why we much protect our current option to file for no-fault divorces.
How Old Divorce Laws Empowered Evil Spouses Gretchen Baskerville 2025-08-25 | This is a short clip from a 20-minute from "The Courageous Battle of Lucy Chapman: Escaping an Abusive Marriage in 1903" - youtu.be/T5NsoZWdYfU?si=4ZZgTmphs-0gMjUkThis episode narrates the remarkable story of Lucy Chapman, who, against all odds, secured a divorce from her alcoholic runaway husband who gambled away the rent and grocery money in 1903, a time when divorce laws were heavily biased against victims—and empowered the marriage-destroyers, by setting up the institution of marriage as all important. Lucy's journey from a struggling farm family to finding freedom and success is a tale of resilience and perseverance. The video explores the oppressive nature of old divorce laws and celebrates the transformative impact of no-fault divorce legislation, which has saved countless lives by empowering victims to escape abusive relationships.00:00 The Remarkable Story of Lucy Chapman00:23 Lucy's Early Life and Marriage01:56 The Struggles Begin03:31 The Harsh Realities of Old Divorce Laws04:58 Lucy's Fight for Freedom11:56 The Impact of No-Fault Divorce17:45 Lucy's New Beginning18:46 George's Downward Spiral19:32 The Legacy of Lucy's Courage
True Story of a Brave Escape: Lucy Chapmans Tale of Courage When Divorce was Hard to Obtain Gretchen Baskerville 2025-08-24 | In 1890, lovely Lucy Burke, a farm girl from Kansas, married the dashing Southern Pacific railroad conductor, George Chapman. She followed him from city to city as his job took them across the western U.S. She thought she had a good life until his drinking increased, he gambled away his income, and he started losing jobs. After 13 years of marriage he disappeared, abandoning her in a small copper mining town in Arizona. But don’t worry. This true story does have a happy ending.#lifesavingdivorce #nofaultdivorce #runawayhusband #substanceabuse #divorcecoach #divorce
New Study Says Kids of Divorce are Unlikely to Have Teen Pregnancy, Incarceration or Early Mortality Gretchen Baskerville 2025-08-05 | This NEW study found that there was a very low risk of children of divorce having a teen pregnancy, being incarcerated, or experiencing early mortality.This is part 1 of my summary of the working paper "Divorce, family arrangements, and children’s adult outcomes" TEEN BIRTH1.2 in 100 daughters whose parents were continuously married2.1 in 100 daughters whose parents divorced during their childhoodINCARCERATION5 in 100 kids under age 25 whose parents were continuously married7 in 100 kids under age 25 whose parents divorced during their childhoodEARLY DEATH (MORTALITY)1.1 in 100 kids under age 25 whose parents were continuously married1.5 in 100 kids under age 25 whose parents divorced during their childhoodSo hardly any kids from any type of family experience these outcomes.ADULT INCOMEIn their late 20s and early 30's, about 20 years after the divorce, kids of divorce earn about $2,500 less per year than kids of continuously married parents according to the study.Link to the original study: census.gov/library/working-papers/2025/adrm/CES-WP-25-28.html
Overcoming Abuse & Betrayal: Moral Injury and IPV Domestic Violence w/ Rachel Kanter Gretchen Baskerville 2025-06-24 | In marriages marked by abuse or betrayal, family researchers have been shocked to see that devout people of faith hang on longer than most people, trying harder—through prayer, fasting, pastoral advice, and self-blame. They cling to their church’s promises that God will heal their marriage. They beg for a miracle, but little or nothing improves over time. Instead they develop PTSD symptoms, similar to the kinds experienced by combat soldiers in the military. Let's find out how this happens and how to heal from it. Healing from Moral Injury: A Conversation with Rachel Kanter on Abuse, Betrayal, and RecoveryGretchen Baskerville interviews researcher Rachel Kanter about moral injury in the context of abuse and interpersonal violence. They discuss how moral injury affects survivors of domestic abuse, especially those with strong religious backgrounds. Key topics include the impact of religious teachings on abuse victims, the challenges of leaving abusive relationships, and strategies for healing through therapy, support groups, and community. The conversation highlights the importance of trauma-informed care and rebuilding trust after experiencing betrayal and abuse.Self-Test: Am I experiencing Moral Injury due to the betrayals of my spouse and religious leaders? lifesavingdivorce.com/moralinjuryREQUEST HER STUDY FREE at www.RachelLKanter.com. Then click on the ResearchGate button. Join ResearchGate for FREE (You’ll want to do this is you like research, because a lot of studies can be found here if you have joined.) Then click: Request Full-TextOr email her at: rachel@rachellkanter.com STUDIES ON 8-IN-10 CHILDREN OF DIVORCE turning out well, are compiled here: lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-and-kids QUOTES ON DIVORCE AND KIDS FROM THE TOP RESEARCHERSSee quotes from the top researchers of the past 30 years: lifesavingdivorce.com/wallersteinTHE MAJORITY OF CHRISTIANS ARE HAPPY AFTER DIVORCE. See multiple studies in this blog post lifesavingdivorce.com/happySTUDIES SHOWING THAT PEOPLE OF FAITH STAY LONGER THAN MOST PEOPLE. Researchers in Study #1 below found something surprising about marriages that have highly destructive factors (abuse, drug or alcohol addiction, or infidelity): The innocent spouses in these highly destructive marriages often increase their efforts to save the marriage. That is, in the face of these very serious problems, the committed spouses continue to work to save the marriage—and are more likely to believe that divorce can be prevented if both of them “try harder.”This paradox amazed the researchers. In other words, the more severe it was and the more hopeless it looked, the harder people tried. They weren’t looking for the easy way out.Studies #2 and #3 below found that Christian abuse or infidelity victims stay longer than most people,1. Alan J. Hawkins, Brian J. Willoughby, and William J. Doher ty, “Reasons for Divorce and Openness to Marital Reconciliation,” Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 53, no. 6 (2012): 453-463.2. Michal Gilad,“In God’s Shadow: Unveiling the Hidden World of Domestic Violence Victims in Religious Communities,” Rutgers Journal of Law & Public Policy 11, no. 3 (Spring 2014);and 3. LeonieWestenberg, “‘When She Calls for Help’—Domestic Violence in Christian Families,” Social Science 6, (2017): 71. ABOUT MEGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 25 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/lifesavingdivorce.bsky.socialFacebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTwitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical violence, chronic emotional abuse, felony behavior, family-crushing addictions, or abandonment/neglect.My Book: "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
New Study Show that Most Kids of Divorce Turn Out Just Fine Gretchen Baskerville 2025-06-12 | We look at the new May 2025 study:This 2025 Study (working paper) "Divorce, Family Arrangements, and Children’s Adult Outcomes" by ANDREW C. JOHNSTON, MAGGIE R. JONES, AND NOLAN G. POPE (U.S. Census Bureau) has been touted by marriage-at-any-cost organizations as showing terrible damage to children of divorce, claiming that they will likely have a teen pregnancy, be incarcerated, and experience increased mortality before age 25. But that's not what this study (working paper) shows, despite the sensationalism in the abstract.Let's walk through the actual numbers behind the study. 1:35 - First, let's start with scare tactics and false warnings about divorce used by marriage-at-any-cost organizations, religious leader, and Christian book authors. We were always told us that divorce destroyed kids. 1:50 - We were (incorrectly) told our children would experience teen pregnancy, trouble with the law resulting in incarceration, and they would die young due to dangerous behavior.2:31 - THE STUDY: Teen pregnancy (teen live birth) rates are not as high as we were told. 3:52 - THE STUDY: Incarceration rates are not as high as we were told. 5:20 - THE STUDY: Early mortality rates are not as high as we were told. 6:00 - Reject the stigma of divorce, because these data simply don't prove that divorce universally destroys kids.Thirty years ago, when I told my Bible study leader, with tears in my eyes, that I was getting a divorce, she berated me and told me that I didn't care about my children and their horrible outcomes after divorce. SHE WAS WRONG. First, I did care about my children. I had cried many nights and I had weighed the decision for years. She had no idea of what I had been through.Second, she wasn't correct. The truth is that children of divorce are UNLIKELY to experience teen pregnancy, incarceration, or early mortality. That's what this new 2025 Study (working paper) Divorce, Family Arrangements, and Children’s Adult Outcomes shows. It was published in May 2025 and Written by ANDREW C. JOHNSTON, MAGGIE R. JONES, AND NOLAN G. POPE
Get More Custody without Going to Court | Jessica Nagy Gretchen Baskerville 2025-01-31 | Today I’m interviewing someone who can help you negotiate for more custody time without the expense of going to court. We’ll talk about how to handle criticism and how to find new supportive friendships, and finally how to help your young children deal with their strong emotions. Jessica Nagy is a Christian a Trauma Support Specialist, and an NLP Master Coach who has special knowledge of Christians and divorce.Here are Jessica’s links & bio:Web: www.mosaicmotherhood.comFree resource: mosaicmotherhood.com/four-keysCourse: mosaicmotherhood.com/regulation-101Social (FB & IG): Mosaic Motherhood @mosaicmothersFree community: facebook.com/groups/fierceheartsOffers: content subscription, emotional regulation courses, The Village Pod MembershipCoaching: 1:1 for moms, children over 10, and tandemBio: My world runs on coffee, Jesus & spicy chocolate; and it’s made entertaining by sarcastic banter. I also think pranks, shenanigans, and epic surprises make the best hobbies. I’m a mom of 2, a survivor, a Trauma Support Specialist, and an NLP Master Coach.My passion is helping moms to build community and empower their children to navigate their destructive family systems. To that end, I have been building communities for over 20 years across all of North America, in English and in Spanish. My most recent project is Mosaic Motherhood, a community of warrior moms who are navigating co-parenting with a destructive individual.---Gretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 25 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/lifesavingdivorce.bsky.socialFacebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTwitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.My Book: "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Divorce Myths Busted: Kids and Divorce | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2024-12-10 | Divorce Myths Busted about Your Kids and Divorce.BONUS at the end: Why LEAVING might be BEST for kids. How much does emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, addictions, and mental illness in the home affect kids?1) Will my kids have serious life-long harm if I divorce? (According to studies, about 8 in 10 do not, but 2 in 10 do.)2) Are my kids automatically going to have drug/alcohol abuse problems? (It happens, but the likelihood is low.)3) Will my kids now get suspended or expelled, even though they've been good at school in the past? (It happens, but likelihood is low.)4) Are my kids likely to divorce too just because I did? Is there a "cycle of divorce" that I am causing? (30 years ago this was a valid issue, but today the majority of the marriages of kids of divorce are lifelong.)5) When is divorce good for kids, and when is it bad? (When the home is toxic, divorce is better for kids than living in a home with a pattern of violence, emotional abuse, betrayal, or addiction.)All the sources and citations are either in the images, below the graphs, or at the end of the video.-----ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 25 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.Subscribe: youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceWhat's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.My Book: "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Facebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleBluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/lifesavingdivorce.bsky.socialTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervillePublic Service AnnouncementResearch shows that about HALF of divorces are for very serious reasons: such as a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, emotional abuse, life-altering addictions, abandonment or neglect. These aren’t “I’m bored” divorces or “I miss the party life” divorces, or “I feel unfulfilled” divorces.Here are 4 studies that provide evidence for this. I've included the footnotes so you can check the facts yourself. 😊 http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/what-is-a-life-saving-divorce.
Will A Marriage Intensive Fix My Marriage? | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2024-12-07 | Will your marriage be fixed by an in-person, multi-day, overnight marriage intensive? Is it worth the money, time and effort? Are the claims of these marriage intensives true? 330 people told me about their marriage intensive experience in a survey. Join me and Natalie Hoffman of the @FlyingFree Podcast! — 03:58 LISTEN TO THE INTRO FIRST— 12:20 Surprise #12: Some attended because it was a wholesome marriage event, but MOST attended to fix a marriage problem.— 15:45 Surprise #11: 7 in 10 survey respondents indicated they are now separated or divorced. Another 1 in 10 plan to separate or divorce. Natalie tells her story of going to a marriage intensive that she paid for and attended with her [now ex-] husband. — 22:35 Surprise #10: Only 24 of the 330 survey participants indicated that they were “married and happy.” And only 4 of those said their marriage intensive was “life-changing” for them. — 28:50 Surprise #9: Half of the respondents said they attended a marriage intensive that used manipulation tactics. The other half did not mention any type of manipulation. We discuss the 7 most frequently mentioned manipulation tactics. We discuss the 3 worst marriage intensives. #WeekendToRemember — 36:30 Surprise #8: Roughly 7 in 10 of the people who said they felt “hopeful” on the last day of the program indicated they are divorced or separated now. Even though this survey was too small to definitively measure the effectiveness of each of the top major marriage intensives, we get a hint that many of the success claims may not be true. Further studies using representative samples and more respondents need to be conducted. — 44:13 Surprise #7: Only 2% of people whose spouse was NOT respectful when deep intimate feelings of fear and insecurity were shared are “married and happy” now. This is why "couples counseling" where there is abuse is considered unethical and possibly even illegal, according to the Gottman Institute. — 47:28 Surprise #6: About 9 in 10 respondents indicated they would NOT likely recommend the marriage intensive to others, even if they liked some of the training in basic communication skills and problem-solving techniques. — 51:25 Surprise #5: Those attending the most expensive marriage intensives had higher divorce and/or separation rates than those who paid far less. Some intensives charge $3,000-$12,000 for top experts and licensed counselors, but they still did not fix the marriage. — 54:05 Surprise #4: People have all kinds of motivations for attending. Some just want a weekend away without the kids or dog. — 54:25 Surprise #3: Many people mentioned that the topic of abuse was never mentioned or described. And in some intensives, abuse perpetrated in the marriage was not allowed to be discussed. People mentioned feeling unseen, unheard, and their pain and injuries were ignored. The dangers of “vow renewal ceremonies.” — 57:15 Surprise #2: If a spouse pretended to be respectful for a short time and then went back to their usual negative or indifferent attitudes, there was a very high correlation with divorce or separation. — 58:30 Surprise #1: Only 4 of the “married and happy” survey respondents gave the credit to the marriage intensive for a major positive change in their marriage. 01:01:00 Who should attend a marriage intensive? Links: How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: Paperback: amzn.to/3CCBsnr Audiobook: amzn.to/4f52Mh4 As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. The Bible teaches us to Run From Abusers: https://lifesavingdivorce.com/runfrom... Studies that show that even though divorce is bad for kids, witnessing or experiencing abuse is up to 10 times worse: lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-and-kids Bible verses on divorce, including passages that condone and even command divorce: lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-in-bible Divorce as God’s Protection of Old Testament Wives: youtu.be/z2bAfawE-ZM?feature=shared Divorce as God’s Protection for Women in the Bible: youtu.be/SJjv6eN1BDs?feature=shared Critique of Hope Restored’s (Focus on the Family) Miracle Claims: youtu.be/QQlNoyLasfQ Or Blog post: lifesavingdivorce.com/fotfevidence ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Twitter / ggbaskerville Facebook / lifesavingdivorce Instagram / gretchenbaskerville You Tube / @lifesavingdivorce Life-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/free
Churches that Trap Abused Wives in Destructive Marriages | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2024-09-30 | NEW VIDEO: Today we hear from two members of the Orthodox Presbyterian Church as they tell us how they were trapped for years in very destructive marriages by church leaders. They were repeatedly coerced and pressured by the pastor to stay with their spouses, even at great cost to their health, children, financial stability, and safety. This isn’t surprising. The OPC’s official public online doctrinal stance does not condone divorce for physical violence, emotional or financial abuse, family-crushing addictions, or neglect and indifference. This policy is unsafe for abused wives and husbands, and (sadly), and while you may choose to stay and try to change the church (as one woman did), it may be best to resign from churches that smear the victimized spouse as "unforgiving" and repeatedly give a hand slap and a free pass to the abuser. #orthodoxpresbyterianchurch I’m interviewing Caroline McKuen, a longtime Christian and dedicated church volunteer, and Alison Gerardi, a pastor’s wife. Caroline has started a new nonprofit organization for Presbyterians (and others) who are stuck in church “counseling” merry-go-rounds that never allow them to escape abusive marriages. The organization is called the Presbyterian Advocacy Coalition. See below for links to their organization and to newspaper article about the pastor of their church. presbyterianadvocacycoalition.org/blog-1/why-women-dont-win-abuse-cases-in-presbyterian-churchesNews articles about their stories:Times-Union, New Yorkweb.archive.org/web/20240722005419/timesunion.com/news/article/allegations-spiritual-abuse-calvary-church-19551662.phpNews story:angloamerica101.wordpress.com/2024/07/23/calvary-orthodox-presbyterian-church-pastor-dissuaded-women-from-ending-what-they-said-were-abusive-marriagesThis is the nonprofit that Caroline and Allison have started to help Presbyterian women who are in abusive marriages or want to help someone who is:presbyterianadvocacycoalition.org/blog-1/why-women-dont-win-abuse-cases-in-presbyterian-churchesFree downloadable comparison chart of churches and denominational policies. Find out which do and do not condone divorce for physical violence, emotional and financial abuse, or family-crushing addictions. lifesavingdivorce.com/unsafeABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 25 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/lifesavingdivorce.bsky.socialFacebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTwitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
10 Tips to Prep for a Parenting Plan or Child Custody Evaluation | Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2024-09-27 | Are you trying to protect your children from the other parent's illegal, malicious, or addictive behavior? Has the judge ordered a child custody evaluation in your divorce case? Sarah McDugal and I have created this 2-part video to help you get ready for a court-ordered parenting plan evaluation.Both Sarah and I have experienced ex-partners who repeatedly dragged us through court. In our video, we share tactics and strategies to defend yourself against false accusations and unreasonable claims. We've been through it and we won! @SarahMcDugal PART 1: 10 Tips - A General Overview of Child Custody Evaluations00:00 How to prepare for a Child Custody Evaluation01:00 Who trains child custody evaluators?04:00 What is a Parenting Plan Evaluation? How is it different from a Child Custody Evaluation?05:00 Am I required to take part in the evaluation? How do I know if it is a court-ordered child custody evaluation?6:17 Who pays for the evaluation? Is it paid before or after? 7:13 Will I and my children be recorded? Can I record the interviews? What If I disagree with the findings?8:18 What is the purpose of the evaluation? 9:51 How long does it usually take from first interview to final report? Can I have witnesses interviewed too?10:50 What are the credentials of court-appointed evaluators? 11:19 What questions will the evaluator ask me? 11:48 Who licenses professional evaluators?12:15 What about topics such as homeschooling, co-sleeping, firearms, and medical treatment?13:07 Guardians-ad-Litem15:00. What the Court values versus what you valuePART 2: Common Questions about Child Custody Evaluations15:42 Question A: Must I share child custody with someone with a history of abuse, addictions or infidelity?31:30 The Court wants proof and evidence of every claim. It doesn't matter if something is true; there must be evidence.35:38 Question B: How do I answer questions about the other parent's parenting skills when they never spent time with the kids?37:00 Good dads can get treated poorly in court too.38:35 Justifiable gatekeeping by fit protective parents. 41:17 Should I call the police or report my spouse's illegal behavior before or after filing for divorce?41:32 Should I get my kids into therapy before or after filing for divorce?46:24 Question C: Can I educate the judge or the evaluator about narcissism?52:40 Where to report CSA that I find on my ex's computer52:40 Question D: What if the other parent has a history of illegal behavior, for example drug addiction, drunk driving, etc.?52:40 What if a stepped-up plan is recommended for my drug addicted ex?57:35 Question E. What if I have a mental health diagnosis or physical disability? What if I take medication for depression? 01:02:35 What if my child has a life-threatening allergy to peanuts and the other parent doesn't take precautions?01:03:53 What if one parent is neurodivergent (has ADHD, ADD, or is autistic) or the kids have special needs?01:05:31 Question F. What if the other parent sends me demeaning or threatening texts, emails or voice messages?01:06:41 How can I keep my documentation organized in a way I can find it quickly for the Court?01:10:09 What if the other parent acts helpless and keeps asking me to help them?01:12:00 Question G: How can I get specific help for my case. (Strategy coaches who specialize in high-conflict divorces.)01:13:11 Question H. Can I demand sole or full custody?01:23:46 Will the evaluator ask my children what they want?01:23:46 Question I: Do you have any case studies? Yes. Two case studies: A fit protective father and a fit protective mother. 01:23:46 "David's Story" How a fit protective father navigated the Court system. 01:29:56 Question J. Will I have to stop homeschooling, get a job, and put the kids in public school?MORE ON HOMESCHOOLING, contact Sarah McDugal at www.WildernessToWild.com01:32:21 Co-parenting apps such as Civil Communicator, OurFamilyWizard, AppClose, Talking Parents, etc. 01:35:10 What if my ex says horrible things about me to our children?Link to the downloadable PDF handouts. lifesavingdivorce.com/child-custody-evaluation David's Story - one of the most powerful interviews I've done. o Part 1: youtu.be/23NBi6GKqUA?si=kVS_8q7N2_vFnY-5 o Part 2: youtu.be/OVCex0FkO7g?si=DudAHkN0xENlL8V0ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.comA Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
12 Surprising Insights from the Marriage Intensive Survey | Natalie Hoffman, Flying Free Podcast Gretchen Baskerville 2024-02-01 | There is a better version of this video at: youtu.be/RR4LXRswKTg?si=RGi-iWiZmFkPR6htWill your marriage be fixed by an in-person, multi-day, overnight marriage intensive? Is it worth the money, time and effort? Are the claims of these marriage intensives true? 330 people tell us about their marriage intensive experience. — 03:58 LISTEN TO THE INTRO FIRST— 12:20 Surprise #12: Some attended because it was a wholesome marriage event, but MOST attended to fix a marriage problem.— 15:45 Surprise #11: 7 in 10 survey respondents indicated they are now separated or divorced. Another 1 in 10 plan to separate or divorce. Natalie tells her story of going to a marriage intensive that she paid for and attended with her [now ex-] husband. — 22:35 Surprise #10: Only 24 of the 330 survey participants indicated that they were “married and happy.” And only 4 of those said their marriage intensive was “life-changing” for them. — 28:50 Surprise #9: Half of the respondents said they attended a marriage intensive that used manipulation tactics. The other half did not mention any type of manipulation. We discuss the 7 most frequently mentioned manipulation tactics. We discuss the 3 worst marriage intensives. #WeekendToRemember — 36:30 Surprise #8: Roughly 7 in 10 of the people who said they felt “hopeful” on the last day of the program indicated they are divorced or separated now. Even though this survey was too small to definitively measure the effectiveness of each of the top major marriage intensives, we get a hint that many of the success claims may not be true. Further studies using representative samples and more respondents need to be conducted. — 44:13 Surprise #7: Only 2% of people whose spouse was NOT respectful when deep intimate feelings of fear and insecurity were shared are “married and happy” now. This is why "couples counseling" where there is abuse is considered unethical and possibly even illegal, according to the Gottman Institute. — 47:28 Surprise #6: About 9 in 10 respondents indicated they would NOT likely recommend the marriage intensive to others, even if they liked some of the training in basic communication skills and problem-solving techniques. — 51:25 Surprise #5: Those attending the most expensive marriage intensives had higher divorce and/or separation rates than those who paid far less. Some intensives charge $3,000-$12,000 for top experts and licensed counselors, but they still did not fix the marriage. — 54:05 Surprise #4: People have all kinds of motivations for attending. Some just want a weekend away without the kids or dog. — 54:25 Surprise #3: Many people mentioned that the topic of abuse was never mentioned or described. And in some intensives, abuse perpetrated in the marriage was not allowed to be discussed. People mentioned feeling unseen, unheard, and their pain and injuries were ignored. The dangers of “vow renewal ceremonies.” — 57:15 Surprise #2: If a spouse pretended to be respectful for a short time and then went back to their usual negative or indifferent attitudes, there was a very high correlation with divorce or separation. — 58:30 Surprise #1: Only 4 of the “married and happy” survey respondents gave the credit to the marriage intensive for a major positive change in their marriage. How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: Paperback: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. The Bible teaches us to Run From Abusers: lifesavingdivorce.com/runfromabusers Studies that show that even though divorce is bad for kids, witnessing or experiencing abuse is up to 10 times worse: lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-and-kids Bible verses on divorce, including passages that condone and even command divorce: lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-in-bible Divorce as God’s Protection of Old Testament Wives: youtu.be/z2bAfawE-ZM?feature=shared Divorce as God’s Protection for Women in the Bible: youtu.be/SJjv6eN1BDs?feature=shared Critique of Hope Restored’s (Focus on the Family) Miracle Claims: youtu.be/QQlNoyLasfQ?feature=shared. Or Blog post: lifesavingdivorce.com/fotfevidence ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Twitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville Facebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/free
Interview: Marty Walden on Living with HIV / AIDS and Finding Joy | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2023-11-29 | What if you get an STD during your marriage even though you were faithful and didn't have any high-risk behavior? In today's interview, Marty Walden, a Christian homeschool mother of five, tells about the day she discovered she had HIV-AIDS. Even though her health had declined for many years, neither she nor her doctors had any idea it was HIV. She had been rejected for a life insurance policy, and it took 6 months for them to tell her why. The horrible news shattered her world. Now, two years later she talks about what she's learned, how she deals with it day by day, and shares her joy and hope with others going through this kind of devastating news.About 23% of AIDS victims worldwide are women. Marty was married, a woman in her 60's, and a middle-class wife and mother. Today she goes public and tells her story. After a failed life insurance application, she received a letter telling her she 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐇𝐈𝐕 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞. In that moment her life hit the wall, and she decided to divorce her husband and regain her physical and emotional health. She says: “When I went to the Infectious Disease Clinic and my bloodwork was run I discovered I am indeed HIV positive, with a diagnosis of AIDS because of my compromised immune system. My husband was brought in to be tested and his diagnosis was the same. Before the diagnosis I had struggled for years as I watched my health deteriorate. Thousands of dollars were spent with functional medicine, protocols and supplements, seeing every doctor possible and trying to get better physically. I would later understand this was HIV attacking my body.”FIND OUT HOW MARTY HAS DEALT WITH THIS DISEASE for the past 2 years, AND HAS FOUND JOY AND HOPE amid THIS TRAGEDY. This year, two years after the diagnosis, she felt the Lord was calling her to go public and start a ministry to others with incurable STDs. Marty Walden has been blogging for 14+ years at www.martysmusings.net. As an adoptive mom, homeschooler of 23 years and lover of blogging about all things home, Marty's heart and life purpose is to encourage women in hard places with hope. Her diagnosis of HIV and AIDS is just one more opportunity to share this message. 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐲'𝐬 YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/@MartyWalden𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐲'𝐬 𝐌𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: martysmusings.net 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐲'𝐬 𝐌𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐦: instagram.com/martysmusings 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐲 𝐖𝐚𝐥𝐝𝐞𝐧 𝐅𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤: facebook.com/marty.p.walden 𝐄𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐥: martywalden01@gmail.comABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 20 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Twitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville Facebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTop 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/freeWhat's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Are HOPE RESTORED Marriage Intensives Miraculous? Many Abused Wives Say No! | Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2023-07-21 | Are Focus on the Family's multi-day Hope Restored Marriage Intensives truly miraculous? That’s what their president says. But where's the evidence?1. "No," say many people who’ve attended. It didn’t fix their marriage. (See below for 3 first-person stories. 10:00) 2. IMPORTANT: Hope Restored suggests you may want to seek other ALTERNATIVES TO THEIR OWN PROGRAM if there is current substance addiction, physical or emotional abuse, or adultery, or an emotional affair. 3. Hope Restored refuses to offer any scientific studies as evidence for their “miracle” claims. Yet the Code of Ethics at American Association of Christian Counseling requires they follow rigorous guidelines and make certain data available. They don't do this.4. Ethics problems with marketing. Does their program meet the American Association of Christian Counselors’ Code of Ethics 1-820 and 1-890? They appear to be skating on thin ice. Link to the Code of Ethics: https://is.gd/VMeidqFIRST PERSON STORIES from past participants of this $4,000-$6,000 marriage intensive:10:00 - Story 1: Patricia, who attended 3 marriage intensives in Branson, MO, run by this team. She finally had to divorce to save her life and sanity.19:05 - Story 2: Infidelity. Woman who traveled to the Michigan to get help for her serially adulterous husband, only to be told they couldn’t handle infidelity40:55 - Story 3: Abuse. Woman who was being abused and this program didn't fix the situation. 20:22 - 5 Problems with ETHICS AND SAFETY ISSUES: They never admit that ABUSE is worse than divorce for parents and children. Tell me your story about attending a Hope Restored marriage intensive. This anonymous questionnaire includes places to freely share your insights. https://forms.gle/HYB797UmYDoQcWk57SOURCES 1 in 4 highly religious couples have experienced abuse in their current relationship – https://is.gd/On6pHzDivorce saves lives (Harvard journal article) - https://is.gd/p5a01iFocus on the Family doesn’t condone divorce for abuse, even for violent abuse – https://is.gd/0ikzHCJim Daly, president of FOTF, wants to make divorce harder to get, which would endanger abuse victims even more than they already are - https://is.gd/oeA3i3Focus on the Family’s policy on divorce is more stringent than Jesus' is - https://is.gd/ouO2yHMy $200 offer to the first person who can find where FOTF (USA) tells abuse victims it might be safer for them to leave and divorce. See details. - https://is.gd/PoEfM28-in-10 kids of divorce turns out fine. And if their parents' divorce was for serious reasons, they are likely to place high value on marriage. Details: https://is.gd/wHk5eAFamily research has found that ABUSE is up to 10 times worse for children than DIVORCE – https://is.gd/ZdDgwoHope Restored’s inaccurate claims about children and divorce - https://is.gd/Woi6C9 FOTF’s inaccurate claims about kids and divorce: https://is.gd/lwGThFFOTF doesn’t want you to know that divorce saves lives - https://is.gd/noXO3fABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 25 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/lifesavingdivorce.bsky.socialFacebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTwitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
UPDATED: Critique Finding Hope for Your Hurting Marriage Focus on the Family | Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2023-07-07 | Is the Focus on the Family video "HOPE FOR YOUR HURTING MARRIAGE" a good series for people in destructive, desperate marriages? Unfortunately, NO. Here are 9 KEY PROBLEMSPrint version: lifesavingdivorce.com/fotfvideo*9 PROBLEMS* (Note: in every anecdote in this series, Focus on the Family identifies the cheater, abuser, or addict as the husband, and the wife as the one who asks for help. We all know that men can be victims of abuse, but for this critique, I'll follow their pattern.)😕 Problem 1: This video teaches that wives are to blame for men’s marriage-destroying behavior😕 Problem 2: Only once in this 6-part series are men told their marriage-endangering behavior is sinful and must stop immediately😕 Problem 3: The video suggests that abused and betrayed wives are responsible for their own major depression. 😕 Problem 4: Wives are taught it’s simple to curb their husbands’ physical violence.😕 Problem 5: In this video series (produced for people in hurting and desperate marriages), Jim Daly and Gary Chapman defend and excuse husbands repeatedly😕 Problem 6: The hosts give the message that expecting men to exert themselves to become mature individuals is simply asking too much of them😕 Problem 7: In the video on control, there are no examples of typical emotional abuse (put-downs, name-calling, threats, indifference, false accusations, or contempt). Instead, the only example of emotional abuse is petty and ridiculous — and suggests that verbal and emotional abuse don't really exist — that it's all just a misunderstanding.😕 Problem 8: In this series, Jim and Gary model to other Christian leaders how to PRETEND to care for wives in these desperate marriages, then just turn and blame them.😕 Problem 9: Jim Daly discards Jesus’ teaching on divorce. Although he admits that Jesus allowed divorce for infidelity, he says that he, Jim Daly, knows better. As people who take our faith seriously, we believe in the sanctity of marriage, and we are steadfastly against frivolous divorces. But at the same time, we are realists and know that some divorces are for very serious things, such as a pattern of infidelity, physical violence, verbal or emotional abuse, family-crushing addictions, and abandonment of duty. The host of this video series is Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family. The guest is author Gary Chapman. They discuss "heavy duty" marriage issues such as control and emotional abuse, women's depression, physical abuse, porn addictions, and infidelity. #focusonthefamily They never mention that the Bible does permit divorce for abuse, but it does: lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-in-bible----Link to part where Jim Daly suggests that Gary Chapman is a counselor: After the auto-play advertisement pops up, jump to minute 00:30 youtu.be/5vRoAE8G8iI?t=30----Recommendations for Better Books on Marriage and Sex:1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M Gottman - https://is.gd/xFlJzI2. The Gift of Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner - https://is.gd/VTewGN3. Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend - https://is.gd/Eaom6B4. Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus - https://is.gd/mvQszB5. The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregoire, Rebecca Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatski - https://is.gd/jCY7A4-----ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 25 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/lifesavingdivorce.bsky.socialFacebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTwitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
OLD VERSION. See NEW LINK for Critique of Hope for Your Hurting Marriage from Focus on the Family Gretchen Baskerville 2023-07-04 | THIS VIDEO HAS BEEN REPLACED. Click here for NEW VERSION: youtu.be/Kk5GTMlZPNY-----*9 PROBLEMS* (Note: in every anecdote in this series, Focus on the Family identifies the cheater, abuser, or addict as the husband, and the wife as the one who asks for help. We all know that men can be victims of abuse, but for this critique, I'll follow their pattern.)😕 Problem 1: This video teaches that wives are to blame for men’s marriage-destroying behavior😕 Problem 2: Only once in this 6-part series are men told their marriage-endangering behavior is sinful and must stop immediately😕 Problem 3: The video suggests that wives are responsible for their own major depression. 😕 Problem 4: Wives are taught it’s simple to curb their husbands’ physical violence.😕 Problem 5: In this video series produced for people in hurting and desperate marriages, Jim Daly and Gary Chapman defend and excuse husbands repeatedly😕 Problem 6: The hosts’ advice gives the message that expecting men to exert themselves to become mature individuals is asking too much of them😕 Problem 7: The anecdotes in this series describing emotional abuse and control make abuse disclosures seem petty and ridiculous, and suggest that abuse is the victim’s fault. 😕 Problem 8: In this series, Jim and Gary model to other Christian leaders how to PRETEND to care for wives in these desperate marriages, then just turn and blame them.😕 Problem 9: Jim Daly discards Jesus’ teaching on divorce. Although he admits that Jesus allowed divorce for infidelity, he says that he, Jim Daly, knows better. As people who take our faith seriously we believe in the sanctity of marriage, and we are steadfastly against frivolous divorces. But at the same time, we are realists and know that some divorces are for very serious things, such as a pattern of infidelity, physical violence, verbal or emotional abuse, family-crushing addictions, and abandonment of duty. The host of this video series is Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family. The guest is author Gary Chapman. They discuss "heavy duty" marriage issues such as control and emotional abuse, women's depression, physical abuse, porn addictions, and infidelity. #FocusOnTheFamilyIn reality, the Bible does permit divorce for abuse. lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-in-bible----Link to part where Jim Daly suggests that Gary Chapman is a counselor. After the auto-play advertisement pops up, jump to minute 00:30 youtu.be/5vRoAE8G8iI?t=30-------My next video critiques the 6-part FOTF video series, which uses footage from a 2-part PUBLIC You Tube series, called "Hope for Your Destructive Marriage." The links go to the public version:Topic 1: Living in Reality - Starts here at 4:20 - youtu.be/5vRoAE8G8iI?t=260-----ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 20 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Twitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville Facebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTop 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/freeWhat's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: Paperback: amzn.to/3cF1j25 Or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Jenny Alexander: Recovering Self-Worth after His Infidelity | Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2023-05-30 | Jenny Alexander's journey is a remarkable testament to the power of recovery and hope. Despite the devastation caused by her Christian husband's secret life, multiple affairs, coldness, and financial betrayals during their marriage, she found herself trapped by self-doubt and insecurity, convinced that she would never be desired by anyone else.Battling with low self-worth, she carried the burden of worry, concerned about the opinions of others and the potential impact of a divorce on her step-daughter's life. Little did she know that the support from her friends and family would surpass her expectations, and her step-daughter would demonstrate a level of understanding she couldn't have imagined. Additionally, Jenny discovered a deeper connection with her faith in the Lord, which provided solace and guidance throughout the challenging process of divorce, helping her find confidence in God's love for her.Today, Jenny stands as a beacon of resilience, having navigated through the storm of anger and betrayal to find healing on the other side. Despite remaining single for nine years, she clung to the hope that her dream of a fulfilling marriage was not lost. And indeed, her patience paid off when she met her new husband, who proved to be worth every moment of the wait. Their marriage is a beautiful manifestation of the love and companionship she yearned for but feared she might never experience.Jenny's life is now filled with joy as a contented housewife and accomplished author residing in Ontario, Canada. She embraces her creative passions wholeheartedly, indulging in sketching, playing the violin, and writing. Her dedication to personal growth is evident in her educational achievements, holding a Masters in Human Services Counselling from Liberty University.Her website address is https://www.JennyEAlexander.com Her course is found at https://www.JennyEAlexander.com/coursesHer book is on Amazon: amzn.to/45tBpJQABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 25 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/lifesavingdivorce.bsky.socialFacebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTwitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Protecting Our Kids From Marrying Abusers | Sheila Gregoire | Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2023-05-02 | How do you raise daughters and sons who are less likely to get into an abusive marriage?Author Sheila Gregoire did an all-new survey of 7,000 predominantly Evangelical women, which revealed how experiences in the church as teens affected their self-esteem, relationships, and marriage. Her findings are summarized in a new book, SHE DESERVES BETTER amzn.to/3oZU9QrShe explains how some teachings from well-meaning youth pastors sound good on the surface, but don't include the whole story. These overly-simplistic views increase the likelihood of girls marrying abusers by 68%! (We talk about male victims of abuse too.)Gregoire discusses these “tricky teachings” and explains to parents and to church staff how to phrase things better for young people. She covers ways to identify the red flags that predict a young person will marry a destructive person. (Hint: it’s often the most devout and dedicated young people who end up with a violent or coercive spouse.)For Christians who’ve had to leave a marriage due to abuse, Gregoire gives tips on how to detect dangerous attitudes and how to unwind the messages that make them vulnerable. We also discuss the irresponsible Christian authors who continue to promote teachings that endanger our young people. ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 20 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Twitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville Facebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTop 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/freeWhat's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: Paperback: amzn.to/3cF1j25 Or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. #AD
Jessicas Story | How I Got My Attorneys Fees Paid | Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2023-04-28 | A newly divorced Christian woman (whom we'll call "Jessica") posted on social media that her attorney was able to get her raging vicious ex-husband to pay all her legal fees. That got my attention, because you don’t hear that very often. I wanted to find out how that happened. And I’ll bet you'd like to know too. Listen all the way to the end of this 80-minute interview to find out what he did wrong and she did right. She mentions the book SPLITTING by Bill Eddy. Link: https://is.gd/WIZh6eShe also mentions the "God hates divorce" verse and how that phrase does not exist in the oldest Hebrew manuscripts. For the first 2100 years after the book of Malachi was written, that verse (2:16) was never interpreted as "God hates divorce," not by Wycliffe, Luther, Calvin, or any other translator. See more: lifesavingdivorce.com/malachiABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 20 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Twitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville Facebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTop 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/freeWhat's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: Paperback: amzn.to/3cF1j25 Or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Divorce: Business Ownership and Finding Hidden Assets | Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2022-05-11 | Divorce: Business Ownership and Finding Hidden Assets: And Interview with Forensic Accountant, Ryan Bensen, MBA, CPA, CA, CBV, ABV, CFE, CFF A Forensic Accountant Gives You TipsToday I’m interviewing a forensic accountant, Ryan Bensen, about the basics of divorce and money, especially if you own a business or your spouse does. He’s an expert on business valuation and finding hidden assets.Today’s questions:1) How did the pandemic affect the divorce rate?2) What do you expect in 2022 and 2023?3) How can a person prepare best for divorce financially?4) For those who cannot afford a retainer, what advice do you get a pro se filer?5) How do you find hidden assets?6) What do you do if you suspect your spouse has filed inaccurate information of their taxes? Or what if they have forged your signature?7) For those who own a business with their spouse, what tips do you offer?8) If you are the business owner, how do you prepare your business for the divorce, so it doesn’t get destroyed during the process?How to contact Ryan Bensen, MBA, CPA, CA, CBV, ABV, CFE, CFF Web: www.bensenindustries.comPhone (Direct): (905) 699-2317E-mail: bensen@bensenindustries.com The Stand Prep Expert: Parker DeanHis Phone (317) 410-2858Email: theparkerdean@gmail.comABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 20 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website: www.LifeSavingDivorce.com. Twitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville Facebook http://www.facebook.com/gretchen.baskerville Instagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube Gretchen Baskerville’s channel youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF PROTECTING YOURSELF FINANCIALLY, read Chapter 5 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: Paperback: amzn.to/3cF1j25 Or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/free
Lundy Bancroft: Why Moms Are Losing Custody of Their Kids to Abusers, and What YOU Can Do Gretchen Baskerville 2022-01-28 | Interview with Lundy Bancroft, the bestselling author of “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” about his new novel, IN CUSTODY. Per Lundy's website, the book is: "Part humor, part romance, and part suspense, Lundy Bancroft's "In Custody" is the story of a young journalist who sets out to discover why a mother and her daughter have gone missing -- and finds herself digging into the dark world of family court corruption." "In Custody" is available in paperback & Kindle editions: (Amazon affiliate link: amzn.to/3AD1LtP) Key Quote: We now have a [long] history of custody courts chronically refusing to protect children and refusing to look at the evidence. The custody courts are fond of saying, “Well, it's just his word against hers” and “we didn't have any evidence that he was abusing the children,” and that's usually not true, usually that's the courts’ excuse for refusing to look at the evidence.HIGHLIGHTS: (For more information, go to http://www.InCustodyTheNovel.com/resources)04:50 – Courts aren’t always doing a good job protecting kids, so sometimes the mother wants to take things into her own hands and flee with the child. IN CUSTODY tells the tale of a mother who escapes by means of an underground network. Do these exist?06:20 – Why are mothers losing custody of their children in court? Why are courts stripping custody from mothers and granting 50/50 custody to violent men?06:40 – History: Back in the 1970s and 1980s child support enforcement laws had an unintended consequence. Stricter collection of child support created a backlash. (It might have been better to let abusers walk away.)07:30 – So-called “Father’s Rights” organizations sprang up. They were not interested in the legitimate concerns of fathers. They fought to throw out disclosures of violence and sexual abuse made by the mother, by the children, and by doctors and therapists. They started attracting abusers to their organizations, even recruiting them. They are mainly interested in owning and controlling their children, not in spending quality time with them (15:00).However, Lundy also discusses mothers who abuse children (29:30). 8:48 – In the 1970s-80s, laws changed to give women the right to live without being subjected to abuse. No-fault divorce laws were designed to help abused women to get away. The pent-up demand spiked the divorce rate up for 20 years. Then it dropped. 09:26 – Even though the new laws saved lives (reduced the suicide rate of women, domestic violence rate by and against women and men, and the homicide rate of women killed by intimates — http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/divorcesaveslives) the family law courts have not wanted to change. They dismiss disclosures of domestic violence, even from children.11:45 – Family Court is getting worse. It is enabling domestic violence. It is even forbidding mothers to protect their children. ----TIPS: See more at http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/incustody12:30 – Mothers need to organize the way that the Father's Rights groups have. Merely passing laws isn’t enough. Mothers need to protest, picket, speak out in communities, and get on the news. They need to recruit just as abusive men have. 15:25 – Moms feel isolated. They need support and to know they are not alone. Mothers need to join organizations and get educated. See link to 11 organizations: Resources on Family Court Corruption & Reform at the bottom of this page: http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/incustody18:00 – Know the telltale signs of “Father’s Rights” talking points.31:44 – In the worst-case scenarios, mothers have been known to take their children and run. It’s best to do this before the divorce or temporary custody order is filed. 35:20 – There are networks that help mothers who have credible evidence to run and hide. 39:00 – Get educated on the cases where the courts betrayed mothers even when there was substantial evidence of abuse by the father. For a list go to http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/incustody.---OTHER TOPICS21:55 – Yes, it is possible to combat Father’s Rights ideology and win in court in some cases, but in others, the mother may have no choice. She usually doesn’t have the time or money to appeal in court. 26:30 – Some custody evaluators lie and don’t even talk with the children. 29:25 – There are mothers who are abusive to children. Sometimes the husband can be the victim of a narcissistic wife. 40:00 – Pros and cons of going to criminal court.41:40 – Most kids side with their nurturing parent. But some side with the abuser. Bancroft has 3 new blog posts on this. For links, go to http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/incustody----Book by Gretchen Baskerville, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Kari Trent Stageberg’s Story: Abuse, Divorce, Remarriage | The Life-Saving Divorce - FULL VERSION Gretchen Baskerville 2022-01-28 | Kari Trent, the daughter of bestselling Christian marriage author Dr. John Trent, co-author of the book, THE BLESSING, ended up in an abusive marriage. Last year, she talked about it on a Focus on the Family broadcast. But you may not know the rest of the story. She filed for divorce (actually, she was granted an annulment) and 7 years later ended up remarrying. Here she recounts the whole story. She talks about abuse, the long process of recovery, and finding a wonderful marriage partner. TOPICS01:00 - Kari tells her story of an abusive marriage, and how she didn’t know what abuse was. She did all the typical things: she tried harder, they went to counseling, but it didn't help.Then Kari tells the rest of the story. How she filed with an attorney. Despite initiating it, she felt devastated. Her husband refused to acknowledge the court ruling, claiming he had changed. She waivered but wanted to give it another chance. 06:38 – How can an abuse victim NOT KNOW they are being abused?07:00 – The Abuse Cycle keeps us stuck: Honeymoon, Tension, Incident (often some sort of explosion)08:00 - A family member gave her a book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” by Patricia Evans (Amazon affiliate link: amzn.to/3u6K30H). But it took her more time to admit it was abuse. 09:10 – We find all kinds of reasons to stay. Maybe we doubt our memory of an incident, or we think that our love can overcome his jealousy or insecurity, or we just tell ourselves “I need to work on myself and become a better person.” 12:40 – They reconciled for several months. Her husband claimed to want to go back to church. At first, it was good, but then the toxic behavior started again.13:30 – She kept all the problems secret from her parents. Her parents responded with balance: good boundaries.15:45 - How to help a woman who is being abused, but stays with her abuser? Don’t pressure her or try to panic her.19:10 – The fantastic letter Kari’s father wrote to her.21:00 - Kari talks about her view of God’s love in the face of abuse. God opened the door and helped her get into a Christian community.22:20 – Her father told her that abuse IS abandonment. 24:00 - Authors who do a good job on the topic of abuse and the Bible: Leslie Vernick (Amazon affiliate link: amzn.to/32I3RMI) and June Hunt (Amazon affiliate link: amzn.to/32I3RMI). 24:40 – God gave her a new life with an incredible husband and now a little boy. 25:40 – How to deal with the message that says your next marriage will fail too because you bring your own problems into the next relationship. Kari explains how she knew her new husband was emotionally healthy and safe.32:00 – A healthy marriage as a healing experience. 33:10 - Kari talks about co-authoring the updated and expanded version of THE BLESSING, the best-seller her father wrote with Gary Smalley. 35:20 – John Trent’s blessing to his daughter, Kari: “It’s not where you have been; it’s where you are going.”THE BLESSING• Appropriate meaningful touch• Spoken words • Attach high value• Picture a special future• Genuine commitment38:25– What if a woman’s parents give their future son-in-law their BLESSING, but later he ends up being an abuser or cheater? We’ve all been fooled by people at various points in our life, perhaps in our school or work. 40:00 - God heals and restores. God redeems our bad decisions. She had eloped with her first husband, but God gave her a gentle kind loving husband... and a wedding.42:45 – God still has the blessing for you! You are not disqualified from being used by God. You may have to switch churches or friendships if people tell you you’re cursed. 43:50 - And she talks about her upcoming book. “The Merge for Marriage.” How to put your lives together in the early years of your marriage. 46:15 – Kari, what would you change in our churches about abuse? Churches need to know it’s happening in their church. Right now. About 1 in 4 highly religious couples: www.lifesavingdivorce.com/1in4. They need to have referrals to domestic violence experts and domestic violence shelters. The abuse is probably worse than what you’re being told. They cannot tell you if the abuser is in the same room. Another author Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?” (Amazon affiliate link: amzn.to/34dLY8X) 52:15 – Examples of emotional abuse.52:50 - Child abuse must be reported. CPS will investigate for themselves. It doesn’t mean someone will automatically get into trouble. 54:00 – Focus on the Family – has not added abuse to their list of valid reasons for divorce. But Kari feels that FOTF cares about safety. God has a redemptive story available to both spouses, whether they choose to listen or not. How to connect with Kari:Facebook & Instagram: Kari Trent StagebergCoaching: www.karitrent.comHer Father and Her Ministry: strongfamilies.comGretchen's site: http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com
Kari Trent Stageberg’s Story: Abuse, Divorce, Remarriage | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2022-01-27 | Kari Trent, the daughter of bestselling Christian marriage author Dr. John Trent, co-author of the book, THE BLESSING, ended up in an abusive marriage. Last year, she talked about it on a Focus on the Family broadcast. But you may not know the rest of the story. She filed for divorce (actually, she was granted an annulment) and 7 years later ended up remarrying. Here she recounts the whole story. She talks about abuse, the long process of recovery, and finding a wonderful marriage partner. TOPICS01:00 - Kari tells her story of an abusive marriage, and how she didn’t know what abuse was. She did all the typical things: she tried harder, they went to counseling, but it didn't help.Then Kari tells the rest of the story. How she filed with an attorney. Despite initiating it, she felt devastated. Her husband refused to acknowledge the court ruling, claiming he had changed. She waivered but wanted to give it another chance. 06:38 – How can an abuse victim NOT KNOW they are being abused?07:00 – The Abuse Cycle keeps us stuck: Honeymoon, Tension, Incident (often some sort of explosion)08:00 - A family member gave her a book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” by Patricia Evans (Amazon affiliate link: amzn.to/3u6K30H). But it took her more time to admit it was abuse. 09:10 – We find all kinds of reasons to stay. Maybe we doubt our memory of an incident, or we think that our love can overcome his jealousy or insecurity, or we just tell ourselves “I need to work on myself and become a better person.” 12:40 – They reconciled for several months. Her husband claimed to want to go back to church. At first, it was good, but then the toxic behavior started again.13:30 – She kept all the problems secret from her parents. Her parents responded with balance: good boundaries.15:45 - How to help a woman who is being abused, but stays with her abuser? Don’t pressure her or try to panic her.19:10 – The fantastic letter Kari’s father wrote to her.21:00 - Kari talks about her view of God’s love in the face of abuse. God opened the door and helped her get into a Christian community.22:20 – Her father told her that abuse IS abandonment. 24:00 - Authors who do a good job on the topic of abuse and the Bible: Leslie Vernick (Amazon affiliate link: amzn.to/32I3RMI) and June Hunt (Amazon affiliate link: amzn.to/32I3RMI). 24:40 – God gave her a new life with an incredible husband and now a little boy. 25:40 – How to deal with the message that says your next marriage will fail too because you bring your own problems into the next relationship. Kari explains how she knew her new husband was emotionally healthy and safe.32:00 – A healthy marriage as a healing experience. 33:10 - Kari talks about co-authoring the updated and expanded version of THE BLESSING, the best-seller her father wrote with Gary Smalley. 35:20 – John Trent’s blessing to his daughter, Kari: “It’s not where you have been; it’s where you are going.”THE BLESSING• Appropriate meaningful touch• Spoken words • Attach high value• Picture a special future• Genuine commitment38:25– What if a woman’s parents give their future son-in-law their BLESSING, but later he ends up being an abuser or cheater? We’ve all been fooled by people at various points in our life, perhaps in our school or work. 40:00 - God heals and restores. God redeems our bad decisions. She had eloped with her first husband, but God gave her a gentle kind loving husband... and a wedding.42:45 – God still has the blessing for you! You are not disqualified from being used by God. You may have to switch churches or friendships if people tell you you’re cursed. 43:50 - And she talks about her upcoming book. “The Merge for Marriage.” How to put your lives together in the early years of your marriage. 46:15 – Kari, what would you change in our churches about abuse? Churches need to know it’s happening in their church. Right now. About 1 in 4 highly religious couples: www.lifesavingdivorce.com/1in4. They need to have referrals to domestic violence experts and domestic violence shelters. The abuse is probably worse than what you’re being told. They cannot tell you if the abuser is in the same room. Another author Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?” (Amazon affiliate link: amzn.to/34dLY8X) 52:15 – Examples of emotional abuse.52:50 - Child abuse must be reported. CPS will investigate for themselves. It doesn’t mean someone will automatically get into trouble. 54:00 – Focus on the Family – has not added abuse to their list of valid reasons for divorce. But Kari feels that FOTF cares about safety. God has a redemptive story available to both spouses, whether they choose to listen or not. How to connect with Kari:Facebook & Instagram: Kari Trent StagebergCoaching: www.karitrent.comHer Father and Her Ministry: strongfamilies.comGretchen's site: http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com
$200 for Evidence that Focus on the Family condones divorce for Domestic Violence Victims Gretchen Baskerville 2022-01-14 | $200 for the first person to provide evidence that Focus on the Family (the United States organization) condones divorce for domestic violence VictimsTo see the rules, go to: www.lifesavingdivorce.com/fotf200-----------------ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 25 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/lifesavingdivorce.bsky.socialFacebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTwitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Focus on the Familys Stance: No Divorce for Abuse Gretchen Baskerville 2022-01-13 | Focus on the Family's president says, God "hates divorce in every case." They talk about abuse on-air and online, and say "get to safety" and "leave," but don't be fooled. They don't condone divorce for abuse no matter how bad. It seems they really don't care if you die as long as you pay $6,000 for their Hope Restored marriage intensive first.There's a reward for the first person who can find any mention on the U.S. Focus on the Family website that divorce is "okay," or "acceptable" or "biblical" or "condoned," for physical or emotional abuse. (Note: the U.S. website is this one: Focusonthefamily.com, not the Canadian one ending with .ca) See http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/fotf200
Fact Check: The Effects of Divorce on Children Focus on the Family | Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-12-28 | Fact Check: (Jump to minute 14:23) I found 12 problems with Focus on the Family's video "The Effects of Divorce on Children" More: http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/fotfvideo1See time stamps below.Background: Focus on the Family doesn't interview experts for this video, just their own staff. None of these guests, Danny Huerta, Tim Sanford, or John Trent is a child psychologist, a family researcher who had interviewed a thousand children, or even a parent who had divorced years ago and can talk about the ups and downs of child-raising.So they offer a lot of HALF-TRUTHS. Link to the original Focus video: youtu.be/qicaUBM1RKEHALF-TRUTHS FROM THE VIDEO 15:55 1. They claim there is is a "generational cycle of divorce" - NO.Truth: Just because the parents divorced, doesn't mean the kids will. In fact, most children of divorce who marry have life-long marriages themselves. http://lifesavingdivorce.com/parentaldivorce16:48. 2. Claim that *divorce* causes the emotional load on kids (and ignore the tension, abuse, conflict, substance addictions, and/or violence in the home that led to the divorce) Truth: http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/wallerstein17:25 3. Sanford falsely claims that tension in the home is "child abuse" per Colorado law. Truth: "Tension" is what people feel when their spouse is cheating, lying, and abusing them. It's not in Colorado law. 19:10 4. They claim God hates divorce and offer no exceptions given for infidelity, abuse, or pedophiliaTruth: The Bible allows divorce for abuse, adultery, abandonment, and addictions. http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-in-bible 19:52. 5. Categorizing all marriage problems as merely “messy,” not ever dangerous or destructive.This word minimizes some marriage-destroying sins. Some "messes" are very serious. http://lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-and-kids20:29 6. They (rightly) tell abuse victims to "get to safety" but it is only temporarily because Focus on the Family's official policy does not condone divorce for abuse, no matter how bad. http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/fotfdivorce21:20 7. They suggest that children are angry at the parent who FILED for divorce. Not true! When older children figure out who the abuser or cheater was, they know who "broke the vows," and usually (not always) side with the innocent parent. http://lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-and-kids/. 22:11 8. They suggest that a healthy child is one who "honors both parents" and sees both parents as “broken” (suggesting both are equally at fault), even when only one was abusing, cheating, law-breaking, or alcoholic. FOTF is gaslighting children and "mutualizing" the sin. Ignoring sin is not a sign of a child's health. Kids are not fools.24:35 9. They pretend that the godly spouse can “bring health” back into the marriage single-handedly. But you cannot make another person behave. You cannot control a person who is committed to sinning.25:00 10. Believing that therapy can fix serious marriage problems, where one spouse has a pattern of cheating, abusing or addictions. But abusers and cheaters don't want to change.25:55 11. These three men advocate something called co-parenting and setting aside your disagreements for the kids’ sake, but sometimes the other parent is not safe. This isn't an option if you are in danger. Watch the video for the other points, including the painful irony at minute 27:20. The Jaffee Study: Anti-social fathers are bad for kids. See my summary + link to original study: http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/jaffeeThe Good Side of Life-Saving Divorce - lifesavingdivorce.com/12factsOther Misleading Focus on the Family articles on kids and divorce:A. http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/fotfbisignano (Angela Bisignano)B. http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/fotfdivorce1 (Amy J. Desai)-----FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF Kids and Divorce, read Chapter 7 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 25 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/lifesavingdivorce.bsky.socialFacebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTwitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
12 Facts Focus on the Family Doesnt Tell You about Divorce and Kids Gretchen Baskerville 2021-12-28 | In one of their blog posts, Focus on the Family tells domestic violence victims that they should not talk to anyone who has positive things to say about a divorce. Can you imagine Focus saying this to a battered wife? What is Focus on the Family trying to conceal? They are trying to conceal 30 years of research that shows that divorce can be good for children (and their parents) if it ends a highly toxic situation. This video goes through 12 facts that Focus on the Family does NOT tell you about the good side of divorce for abuse/betrayal victims—all backed with academic research and studies. Here is an article covering the same content and providing links to academic research AND to Focus's article. http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/fotf12Findings of Dr. Judith Wallerstein on kids and divorce: http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/wallerstein.Findings of Dr. Linda Waite on adults and unhappy marriages, and whether they get happier after 5 years: http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/waite.Does "God hate divorce"? Malachi 2:16 wasn't interpreted that way the first 2,100 years: http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/malachiArticle with link to the original article on the Focus website. http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/fotfbouchardThe Jaffee Study: Bad fathers (and bad mothers) are bad for kids, and may even predict conduct disorders in the children. http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/jaffeeBiblical support for divorce for abuse, adultery, abandonment, and addictions: http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-in-bibleFocus on the Family wants to make divorce legally harder for abuse victims to get even though divorce has been shown to save lives. Here's a link to the president Jim Daly discussing this with a guest. http://lifesavingdivorce.com/fotfnofaultMisleading Focus on the Family articles on kids and divorce, with a claim-by-claim critique:A. http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/fotfbisignano (Angela Bisignano)B. http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/fotfdivorce1 (Amy J. Desai)----- ABOUT ----Gretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. For more than 20 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com. Twitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville Facebook http://www.facebook.com/gretchen.baskerville Instagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube Gretchen Baskerville’s channel youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQWhat's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: Paperback: amzn.to/3cF1j25 Or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/free
Two Years as an Advocate: What Ive Learned | Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-10-20 | 3-minutes: Why would a nice conservative Evangelical woman become an advocate for Life-Saving Divorces, standing up for abuse survivors and betrayal victims who needed a life-saving divorce to save their lives and sanity?Wow! I've learned so much from the people I've met in the past two years. And I've learned a lot about advocacy!Why would I call out the pastors, authors, and marriage-at-any-cost organizations who mouth all the right words, but fail to truly protect abuse victims and their children. They aren't willing to get them to the highest level of legal safety: a life-saving divorce.------ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF LIFE-SAVING DIVORCE, read the Introduction and Chapter One in The Life-Saving Divorce book. For more on the effect of divorce on children, see chapter 7.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
Finding Happiness After Divorce with podcaster Sarah K Ramsey | Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-09-14 | Sarah K. Ramsey talks about how to find happiness after a toxic marriage and divorce. Sarah is host of the Toxic Person Proof Podcast — a podcast to help you avoid destructive people when you start dating again. And I love her insights on putting your life back together after divorce, and how to create a positive healthy life for yourself and your kids.What many people don’t know is that Sarah is a pastor’s daughter. Sarah helps divorced women to move forward in life, embracing it with both hands!03:20 - Is it possible to be happy after a divorce? Yes, yes, YES! And what does it look like to be happy after divorce?06:15 – How to identify toxic people who are amazing at image management and blame shifting. 09:50 - What is the problem with making marriage an idol? We were told that our suffering brings people to Christ. But it doesn’t. When was the last time you heard someone say that they were attracted to Christ by seeing a wife being abused?12:50 – Jesus didn’t allow himself to be abused during his life/ministry. He walked away; he spoke up; he was critical of his attackers, the hypocritical religious leaders. Not until the last 3 days of his life, did he sacrifice his life. 14:20 – Most children from toxic homes are grateful for a life-saving divorce, NOT destroyed by it. Many of them supported the divorce, because it saved their nurturing parent from the destructive one. Divorce brought peace and health to the home. It ended the lying, deception, rage, and fear in at least one parent’s household. Don’t believe the lie that divorce universally destroys children. http://lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-is-worse-than-divorce16:45 - What are some strategies to finding yourself after a divorce?19:10 – Why might it be God’s hidden blessing for you if your abusive/cheating husband dumps you and leaves.21:10 – Dating again and protecting your kids from people who bring turmoil, drama, and chaos into your life.24:10 – Don’t lower your standards when you start dating again. Prioritize peace, calm, and rest in your home. A loving step-parent is a good example to the children. A bad step-parent is bad for the kids. Or you can have a happy home as a single parent.26:20 – How to deal with criticism from pastors, church leaders, and friends in your fellowship. In the end, it is your decision to divorce or stay. You cannot fight City Hall. You don’t need your pastor’s approval.“I was not put on this planet to help people become better sinners.”31:20 – The people-pleasing trap.36:30 – How to live well. Sarah’s contact information: Use the contact form at www.sarahkramsey.com. Listen to the Toxic Person Proof podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/toxic-person-proof/id1518667023Sarah’s video on how to know if your spouse has really changed and the holiness-over-happiness myth. youtu.be/RQSqEHxVMzwSarah’s interview with domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft: http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/lundyABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF FINDING HAPPINESS AND MOVING ON IN LIFE, read Chapter 10 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
20 Years in an Emotionally Destructive Christian Marriage | Cindy Burrell | Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-09-11 | Cindy Burrell is the author of the book, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” and a writer on the topic of emotional abuse. She’s a mother of four. A survivor of a 20-year abusive marriage to a Christian man who memorized Scripture and taught on marriage topics at church, Cindy tells how she finally felt the Lord releasing her from the marriage.She talks about recovering and rebuilding her life, and her children's life. Cindy eventually started dating again. She discusses boundaries while doing online dating, and how she met her new husband 15 years ago. She calls him the “love of my life.”She tells about how counselors and therapists can do a better job at identifying abuse and helping their clients.02:25 – Examples of types of emotional abuse04:00 – The tipping point: How the Spirit told her that living like this was insane.05:00 – How well-meaning therapists and pastors accidentally pressure the victim and side with the abuser08:00 – 1 Peter 3 requires husbands to be understanding and to give respectful treatment to their wives.09:21 – How desperation drove her to divorce.09:55 – God made a path to freedom, but she was still afraid of the future. 10:45 – Rebuilding your life is a walk of faith. Watch and see how God provides. A good counselor who understands abuse is beneficial.12:15 - Getting past a negative view of men.13:15 – Online dating disasters—and success16:00 – Setting boundaries when doing online dating18:00 – Meeting her husband online. 20:00 – Do you have too much baggage to remarry? 23:40 – Why do counselors miss signs of abuse?25:00 – How abusers deceive us. What happens when words, actions, and attitudes don’t line up?26:00 – How abusers blame you for their marriage-destroying sin.30:10 – Examine the fruit of the abuser: are they bringing love, joy, peace, patience, etc., to your marriage?31:00 – “Holiness over happiness” messages trap abuse victims in unsafe situations.32:00 – How life-saving divorces make your home MORE holy, not LESS holy.36:16 – We want to break the cycle.37:50 – Your children decide to either become predators or prey.38:56 – Dealing with regrets that you failed to protect your children, and didn’t get them out sooner.43:30 – Description of Cindy’s books and website www.HurtByLove.com45:10 – Praying to the Lord for clarity.45:45 – When an abuser abuses, they’ve broken their vows.47:00 – It’s dangerous to do marriage therapy or couples counseling with an abuser in the room. www.lifesavingdivorce.com/couplescounseling49:30 – Abusers are charming and skillful at deceiving the counselor.50:00 – Counselors have a duty to warn if their clients are marrying someone with an issue known to have poor treatment outcomes: pedophiles, abusers, serial adulterers, etc.CONTACT: cindyburrell@hurtbylove.comABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.For examples of emotional abuse, read Chapter 4 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
My Abusive/Addicted Spouse Goes To Church. Have They Changed? | Bob Hamp MFT Gretchen Baskerville 2021-08-17 | Q: “My church leaders say my abusive or addicted spouse is fine now. Should I trust them and reconcile?”A: “Not necessarily. Watch for the REAL signs of change, even if they claim your spouse has had a powerful encounter with God,” says Bob Hamp, licensed Christian marriage and family therapist.This is the 3rd of 3 videos featuring Bob Hamp MFT:Video 1: The Dynamics of Abuse youtu.be/2RFjxNzHbuEVideo 2: How Do I Know If My Spouse Has Really Changed? youtu.be/Cz085lbGi-IVideo 3: My Church Says My Spouse Has Changed, But Has He Really? - youtu.be/dEx-LRT-kYsBob talks about chronic abuse, life-altering addictions, and serial infidelity in Christian marriages and what to do if your ministry leaders say your spouse is healed from their problems. 01:00 – Many church ministries tend to promise that an encounter with God can (and will) set your spouse free from their addictions.03:40 – These ministries need to be wholistic. Often they are short-sighted, viewing everything as spiritual only. But there’s more to it: Restoring the soul, setting people free, ending destructive patterns.5:15 – Sometimes these well-meaning ministries can be manipulative. They may tell the victimized spouse that all is safe, when in reality, it’s not.07:00 – There are few or no qualifications for ministry leaders. There’s no licensing board or set of ethical standards. That leaves churches open to accidentally hiring manipulative people who enjoy holding influence and power over others.10:26 – Idealistic and overly confident leaders want to prove that God is effective, and that their faith and teachings about God can heal anyone, so they deliberately work with destructive—even dangerous—people. 11:30 – The apostle Paul’s taught that certain repeated sins are so harmful, we cannot have certain people in our churches. We need to stop associating with such people, not even eat with them. 1 Cor. 5:11 and 2 Timothy 3:1-5. No one claims Paul is being unforgiving. He’s trying to protect vulnerable people from those who would take advantage of them.14:00 – When abusive or addicted spouses pressure you to forgive and reconcile without adequate time to see if the change is real. 14:50 – Triangulation: The Abuser – The Victim – The Onlooker. Many well-intended ministries side with the abuser against the victim.16:00 – Why you cannot always trust the person who asks for prayer to save their marriage. They might be the abuser. 17:00 – Abusers transfer responsibility to the victim. Onlookers are often fooled because they present themselves as the innocent victim of the other person’s actions.19:30 – Churches send abusers to recovery classes and think that they will have an encounter with God that will transform them instantly. Ministry leaders want a notch on their belt.20:30 – Abusers/addicts will demand “Why don’t you see my change?” Asking this question actually is evidence they have NOT changed. 21:30 - Signs of real change in an addict or abuser. See also Bob’s two other videos on this: http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/change26:00 – Forgiveness is for behavior that has stopped, not for behavior that is ongoing. Focus on boundaries, not forgiveness. 35:14 – Abuse victims may need to divorce their destructive spouse and leave their unhelpful church too. 37:00 – The dangers of “biblical counseling,” “nouthetic counselors,” and the teachings of Jay Adams. 49:00 – How can churches do better? Learning to identify manipulation. ————ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, neglect, substance abuse, etc.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
Shirley Fessel - How to Rebuild After Financial Abuse and Divorce - Part 3 Gretchen Baskerville 2021-08-15 | QUOTE: "My needs will never exhaust God's supply."After years of being married to an abusive pastor who confiscated her paychecks, leaving her to beg for the basics, even clothes for herself and her children, Shirley filed for divorce. She had put away some emergency money, but he managed to find and take that too. In PART 3, we find out how Shirley rebuilt her financial stability from scratch. We discovered how she presented the situation to her children (in a positive way) and how she dealt with creditors who harassed her—and what she would do differently. She went on to buy her own home and rebuild her self-respect as a Daughter of the KingShirley's StoryPART 1: youtu.be/dB20TR3nXUAPART 2: youtu.be/ioY3QWQNNXwPART 3: youtu.be/ZPpDvGLZyl0Her website and contact form: www.ShirleyFessel.com---------------ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF FINANCIAL ABUSE, read Chapter 4 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, substance abuse, etc.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
Davids Story—Male Victims of Abuse—Part 2 | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-07-26 | Recently I re-interviewed "David" the man whose powerful story appeared in Chapter 9 ("Male Victims of Abuse and Betrayal") of my book, The Life-Saving Divorce. I wanted to see how he and his kids are doing after their long custody battle and David's remarriage. David wanted to take the high road in his divorce, but how do you co-parent with a destructive ex? That's what PART 2 is about.BACKGROUND:David was brought up in a high-achieving conservative Christian homeschooling family. He was taught the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" purity culture formula for courtship and marriage, which is well-intentioned but often results in pushing young people to marry young and to ignore danger signs.David was a good kid from a loving home who had a great relationship with his parents—and followed all the rules, including courtship formulas that promised marital success in his faith community.In PART 1 he talks about the dangers of being brought up complementarian, and never taught what to do when you’ve gone several stages down the courtship path and notice serious red flags in your fiancé. He discusses the outward signs of holiness that were supposed to guarantee a good marriage but in reality distract young people from focusing on integrity, intimacy, respect, friendship, and authenticity. Although his first wife was known to be deceitful and unstable prior to their wedding (something other people had warned him about), he was given assurances by his faith community that all would be well because she met the litmus test of wanting to be a traditional stay-at-home mother. These teachings propelled him to wed a destructive woman who was manipulative and coercive. After many years and three children, she eventually drove him to despair and depression, falsely accusing him of a felony, resulting in his arrest (and later exoneration).He talks about trauma bonds, and the therapists who saved his life and helped him see the truth about love addictions that cause a person to debase themselves to keep the relationship. He also discusses his strong faith in God today, despite his wife lying and moving the children to another state and the year-long legal battle to get them back. Find out why he was given sole custody by the court, and why he volunteered to share custody with his ex-wife anyway.In PART 2:2:00 - We discuss why David decided to share custody with his ex-wife, despite a year-long expensive custody fight; and how the court put safeguards in place for the future. (David says up front: Don't do this if your children are in danger.)39:00 - We talk about men who are "love and relationship addicts" and how he got the courage to start dating again. 40:10 - How did David approach online dating?41:15 - How did he take red flags more seriously, and how did he come to believe that his new wife was someone he could trust?54:00 - How does he and his new wife cope with the high-stress world of co-parenting with a difficult ex.David’s story Part 1 - youtu.be/23NBi6GKqUAPart 2 - youtu.be/OVCex0FkO7g-------------ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF ABUSED/BETRAYED HUSBANDS, read Chapter 9 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
Amandas Story—Pt 3: Married to a Mentally Ill Spouse | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-06-27 | THIS IS PART 3: Life after Divorce Recap: Amanda and her husband were overseas Christian missionaries. Shortly after their wedding, he started to act differently: impossible to please, critical, making false accusations. Amanda (not her real name) was scared and hurt, but she was a conservative person of faith who took the sanctity of marriage seriously. She tells why she stayed, and how she made the decision to divorce. (Her husband was officially diagnosed as having Paranoid Personality Disorder, but refused treatment.)Part 3 - Amanda talks about finding happiness, peace, and safety after divorce. She discusses the key issues in divorce recovery: Dealing with anger, forgiveness, loneliness, raising kids, safe friends/churches, rebuilding her self-respect, financial stabillity, and how her relationship with God has grown through it all.What if your spouse is mentally ill AND destructive? What if their behavior is scary, but you feel pity for them because they may not be able to control their thoughts or actions? Can you still divorce them? Yes, if even their best behavior isn't safe, you may have to get away to protect your life and sanity...and your children's.---- Here are the first two videos ----Part 1 - youtu.be/vigwVV5W7xs - How they met and married. She loved him and called him her best friend. They were career missionaries overseas. Within their first year, he started behaving strangely and his actions and words scared Amanda. Amanda was against divorce, so she stayed and they had several children together. Part 2 - youtu.be/3GuDugFj9jk - But as it got worse, she and the missionary agency were very concerned and brought them back to the U.S. He was officially diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder, but did not follow through with the recommendations by medical professionals. Amanda's husband accused her parents of trying to poison him, and viewed every passing police car as a deliberate plot to stalk and capture him. A retired missionary told her she was in danger and should consider leaving. After more than 15 years of marriage, where her husband repeatedly threatened her with divorce, Amanda divorced him. ------INTERVIEWER:Gretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the half of divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR MORE ON MENTALLY ILL SPOUSES, read p. 111-112, 178, 184, 260, in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, substance abuse, etc.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Divorce Story Interviews: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/interviewsLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
Divorce Basics: Ask a Paralegal | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-06-24 | Just by watching this one-hour video, you’ll save hundreds of dollars (and lots of embarrassing mistakes) by understanding the general concepts of family law court. I asked paralegal Laura Hauser, the tough questions: How to pick an attorney? Should I delete my social media accounts? If I take psychiatric medications, will that count against me? What if I think my computer and phone are hacked? Can I change the locks?.00:40 - Where do I start if I want to divorce?01:00 – A notebook for your attorney01:50 - Be aware of what types of information is “discoverable” by the other attorney. Know the penalty for not turning it over.03:20 – Interviewing attorneys – What to look for?04:48 – What will my attorney want to know? How much do I need to tell them?05:00 – What can I do to keep costs down and prepare for my first meeting with the attorney?07:20 – Documenting your time caring for children, down to the specific responsibilities.07:50 – Holley Factors to determine what is the in the best interest of the child. These Texas guidelines are helpful no matter what state you’re in, to understand how the court views the situation. Go to www.lifesavingdivorce.com/holley for more information08:00 - Gather 3rd-party backup to document your involvement with your children, in the form of school records, parent-teacher conferences, coaches, youth group leaders, etc.08:45 – What kind of 3rd party backup do I need? 13:00 – How does the court see my mental health issues? Will they hold it against me if I’m depressed, bipolar, etc.?14:00 – How do I document abuse that doesn’t leave bruises? Emotional abuse and the importance of 3rd party evidence.17:00 – What if my ex looks great in court? 19:30 - Can my ex fool the judge?20:45 – Courts ask for evidence. They don’t just trust one person’s word against the other.22:20 – What to tell the kids.23:40 – Co-parenting with an abuser. Keep and save the hostile texts, emails, and voice mails between the parties. (If you’ve left an abusive message, tell your attorney.)26:30 – Call 9-1-1 if there’s been criminal behavior (threats, harassment, stalking, child abuse). 27:00 – What if the police don’t take it seriously, and do nothing? Then what?30:15 – Can I change the locks on my home if awarded to me in temporary orders?31:30 – Can I take my half of the money out of the bank prior to the final divorce decree?32:50 – Can I pay for my attorney from our joint bank account?34:30 – Staying safe online. Create a special email just for interacting with your attorney.35:00 – Hacking into email is a crime. No one is allowed to put software or location trackers on someone else’s phone. And attorneys can subpoena ALL emails and social media accounts.36:15 – Should I get off all social media? If not, should I delete the embarrassing things?37:15 – Can I date or flirt or get close to someone online during my divorce?38:00 – Can my comment in a private Facebook group be subpoenaed? Will it go against me, or might it help?39:30 – What if I post evidence of abuse on social media?40:30 – How do I know if I’m being hacked or tracked by my ex?41:80 – How can I find a forensic specialist/investigator to sweep my car for GPS devices?43:20 – Should I file first?43:50 – Can my spouse stop a divorce by avoiding process servers?45:50 – What if my ex injures one of our children?46:30 – What is a GAL, guardian ad litem or amicus? Must I cooperate and participate in the process? 49:00 – Forensic psychological evaluations. Can they flip custody? Can my ex game the test?56:50 – Will I find emotional support and moral vindication from the judge?57:50 – Can I get more financial support if my ex committed adultery?1:03:40 – How to build my credit during divorce if my parents help me with the legal fees.-------- ABOUT ----Gretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces.. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing..Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. .FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF gathering documents before you divorce, read Chapter 5 in The Life-Saving Divorce..How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases..Follow:You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville.Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
Divorce as Gods Protection of Old Testament Wives | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-05-01 | 6-MINUTES: Did you know that God actually commanded divorce in cases where a husband refused to care for his wife at the minimum basic level? Here are two stories from the Old Testament that show how God used divorce to protect vulnerable low-status wives from coldhearted husbands. 1. God protected wives who had been enemy POWs captured in a battle. If a man chose to make a woman his wife, he had to give her the decency and respect of allowing for her to mourn for 30 days for her family before he could "go to her" (euphemism for sex). And if later on, he no longer wanted her as a wife (perhaps didn't want the expense of feeding and clothing her) he could not demote her to being a slave or sell her. He had to let her go wherever she wanted. She was free to remarry someone who would meet the minimum standards.2. Let's just go straight to Scripture: Ex 21:7-11. This passage is the bedrock of Jewish marriage and divorce law in biblical times. It still is."7 “If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do. 8 If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself,[a] he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners, because he has broken faith with her. 9 If he selects her for his son, he must grant her the rights of a daughter. 10 If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. 11 If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money." (NIV)God protected low-ranking wives. A low-ranking wife might be one who was used as a debt repayment. For example, a man who was in serious debt and couldn't repay his lender, might give his daughter to pay off the loan. This isn't a wife the lender necessarily wanted, was attracted to, or cared about, but the Law of Moses said he still had to meet minimum standards of care for her. Even if he took another wife, presumably someone he really did care about, he couldn't be miserly, negligent, or mean to Wife #1. He couldn't turn her into a slave and sell her. He was commanded to let her go, so she could marry someone else. The loan to her father was still deemed cancelled. The ancient rabbis deduced that if a bondwoman (indentured servant) had those three rights, then "the minimal rights of a free married woman are deduced." (p. 126, Women and Jewish Law, by Rachel Biale) Meaning that if you are a free married woman then those three are rights you have.That's the point I'm making here. That God gave this protection of a low-status woman, and THAT sets the minimum standard for all wives.Abuse is not okay in the Bible, and a man who abuses and/or neglects is commanded to let his wife go, meaning to divorce her.ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION OF Bible verses on divorce, read Chapter 6 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, substance abuse, etc.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
Arent Most Divorces Frivolous? No | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-04-30 | NEW 2-MIN VIDEO: I was told the vast majority of divorces were frivolous Hollywood-style divorces. But are they really? No, about half of divorces in the U.S. are for very serious reasons. Here's my evidence. Four key studies done in the past 20 years show this. Here are the four significant surveys.Survey 1 – In this first survey, the participants had divorced over age 40. Of these, 50% of divorcees mentioned the most significant reason was one of the serious reasons: adultery, sexual immorality, domestic violence, chronic emotional abuse, or abandonment (neglect of duty). [1]Survey 2 – In this survey of participants age 20- 55, about 42% of divorcees mentioned at least one of the reasons above as the issue that caused the divorce. [2]Survey 3 – In this study, divorcees could select more than one major contributor to their divorce: 58% of divorcees mentioned infidelity; 30% mentioned domestic violence. (They did not offer drug/alcohol abuse as a choice.) [3]Survey 4 – In this study, too, participants could select more than one factor in their divorce. Infidelity was a major contributor in 59.6% of divorces, substance abuse in 34.6%, and domestic violence in 23.5%. When asked for the “final straw,” nearly 6 in 10 mentioned either infidelity, domestic violence, or substance abuse. [4]1] Xenia P. Montenegro, “The Divorce Experience: A Study of Divorce at Midlife and Beyond,” AARP the Magazine (May 2004),[2] Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti, “People’s Reasons for Divorcing,” Journal of Family Issues 24, no. 5 (July 2003): 602-626.[3] C. Johnson, S. Stanley, and N. Glenn, et al., “Marriage in Oklahoma: 2001 Oklahoma Baseline Statewide Survey,” (2002): 15.[4] Shelby B. Scott, Galena K. Rhoades, and Scott M. Stanley, et al., “Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education,” Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice 2, no. 2. (2003): 131-145.For sources and citations and more info, go here lifesavingdivorce.com/what-is-a-life-saving-divorceABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF divorce for serious reasons, read Chapter 2 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, substance abuse, etc.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
Will God Heal Your Marriage if You Pray Hard Enough? | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-04-30 | NEW 3-MIN VIDEO: Some well-meaning friends may say, "Don't give up before the miracle happens," or "God can heal your marriage if you pray hard enough," even if you're in a destructive marriage with abuse, addictions, or adultery. But is that what the Bible really recommends? I don't think so, in fact I think it may be "testing the Lord your God," which Jesus specifically forbids in cases of danger.This myth puts pressure on committed Christians to stay and pray to prove our faith and spiritual maturity, and to be seen as being close to God.1. God doesn’t bless every righteous person with a loving marriage, good health, much wealth. Jesus said, “Rain falls on the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Mt 5:45)2. Your bad marriage may not be evidence of your lack of faith or your sin. Bad things happen. Remember the story in John 9 where Jesus heals a blind man, and someone comes and asked Jesus, Why was that man blind in the first place? What it his parents' sin or his own sin? And Jesus rejected that notion. He didn’t connect the blind man’s condition to his or his parents’ sin. Your bad marriage doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.3. We are not to stay in danger and insist that God will save us. That is tempting the Lord our God and is prohibited in Mt 4:5-7. Remember how Satan tempted Jesus? Satan told Jesus to throw himself off the pinnacle of the Temple, about a 16-story fall, saying that God promised to do a miracle by sending angels to rescue him. It would have been quite a spectacular way of proving to all of Jerusalem that Jesus was a very special person in God's eyes. Jesus rebuked Satan and said, “You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.’” In other words, don’t stay in danger—or go in danger—and push God to do a showy miracle. Ignore your friends who say you must hang in there. It's not their children being damaged by the deceit, abuse, and lies. And by the way, if your friend’s house was on fire I doubt they’d tell their children, “to stay and pray for a miracle.”4. We can walk away from a destructive marriage to save our life and sanity—and our kids. It is not sin. It is honoring our God-given sense of self-preservation. You can hold your head high, without shame, if you’ve gotten a life-saving divorce.------------ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF well-meaning advice that keeps you trapped in a destructive relationship, read Chapter 3 and 4 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, substance abuse, etc.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
Emotional Abuse Is Real | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-04-19 | 1-MIN VIDEO: EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS REAL.If you're a Christian, you may attend a church that doesn't condone divorce for emotional abuse. When a church's doctrine doesn't allow divorce for abuse, that leaves the leadership with no choice but to pretend that emotional abuse either doesn't exist or just isn't that bad. They may dismiss it as "sticks and stones," or just normal ups and downs of married life. But it's not.The legal profession takes emotional abuse very seriously. Anything that coerces a person or business or government.For example:• Extortion (threat to destroy someone or their family or their business)• Bribery (something valuable to coerce someone to violate their principles)• Assault (making someone apprehensive of imminent harm—not always physical)• Blackmail (threat to smear someone’s reputation)• Harassment (credible threat that would make someone fear for their safety)These are all types of unlawful conduct I hear about daily in my support group for Christians who need life-saving divorces. So when a Christian leader asks: "Why did she stay so long in that horrid marriage?"I reply: "Because you told her to stay because emotional abuse was no big deal."Sometimes the most dangerous place for a Christian who is being abused is in a church that doesn't believe in divorce for emotional or physical abuse.____ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE, read CHAPTER 4 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, substance abuse, etc.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage—
Should You Stay and Pray for Your Destructive Marriage? | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-04-19 | 1-MIN VIDEO: Should you "stay and pray" for your destructive marriage? How many years should you give it? .When people say that God will heal your marriage if you are just righteous enough and pray enough, is that true? Can a godly spouse unilaterally fix their abusive, addicted, or unfaithful spouse? .How do you know if you've tried enough? Only you know how much you can take. Only you know what's going on behind closed doors..Despite what you've been told all your life, staying in danger and demanding that God do a miracle is not godly. In fact, it may be considered "tempting the Lord your God." Matthew 4:7.I use the story of Satan's temptation of Jesus to prove my point. The truth is that the same people who tell you to "stay and pray for a miracle" would never give that advice if their own house was burning down..If your house is burning down, maybe it's more godly and righteous to save lives!---------------ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION of well-meaning but harmful advice from our fellow Christians, read Chapter 3 (The 27 Myths of Divorce) in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, substance abuse, etc.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleInstagram: instagram.com/gretchenbaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
How Do I Know My Spouse Has Really Changed? Bob Hamp, MFT | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-04-17 | HOW DO YOU KNOW YOUR ABUSIVE OR ADDICTED PARTNER HAS TRULY CHANGED?They might make all kinds of claims about having changed.—They insist they've changed.—They may be angry that you don't see them trying.—They may be pressuring you to move back in.—They say they'd die for you.—Friends/family may pressure you, "Don't you see how much he/she has changed?"But those are all signs they have NOT changed.Today we talk with Bob Hamp, MFT, about the —3 steps the abuser or addict must do to restore trust, and the —3 steps the victim must do to see if the change is real.This is the Video 2 of 3 Videos on Martial Abuse:Video 1: The Dynamics of Abuse youtu.be/2RFjxNzHbuEVideo 2: How Do I Know If My Spouse Has Really Changed? youtu.be/Cz085lbGi-IVideo 3: My Spouse is Attending Church Now but Have They Really Changed? - youtu.be/dEx-LRT-kYsBob's key principle: Abuse and codependency are all about the mis-assignment of responsibility.Bob Hamp recommends the poorly behaving spouse must do these three things:1. They must take responsibility for their own choices. They must go into detail to identify all aspects of their destructive choices. They need to tell you what their choices cost you (and your children, if any).2. They must show empathy to the pain, humiliation, financial peril, or other injury their choices caused.3. They must repeat #1 and #2 publicly over time, because it's likely they have convinced onlookers that YOU are responsible and that THEY are the victim.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF ABUSE and the ABUSE CYCLE, read Chapter 5 in "The Life-Saving Divorce" book. Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 25 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/lifesavingdivorce.bsky.socialFacebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTwitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Churches and Emotionally Abusive Christian Marriages | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-04-08 | Evangelical churches can be a safe place for Christians who divorced due to abuse—but only if church leaders have the right mindset. Right now an astounding number of divorced Evangelicals have found the church to be unsafe. The problem is so serious, it shows up in huge nationwide surveys, and it's worse than researchers expected. A recent article in Christianity Today showed that a shocking number of divorced Christians don't attend church as much as demographers would expect, even though they still identify as Evangelicals. Although some who dropped out may be the "bad" spouse, I believe that many are the spouses who were victims of emotional abuse, which is not accepted as a biblical reason for divorce in many Evangelical churches. When the church condemns divorce in these cases, the pastor inadvertently sides with and enables the abusive spouse. The pastor's inaction empowers the abuser and crushes the victim, making the church a dangerous place.This 18-minute video is for pastors and church leaders and others who want to stem the tide and make their church a safer place for abuse victims. Here's the written version: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/emotionalabuseLINKS mentioned in the video:Analysis of the Christianity Today article "Despite the Stigma of Divorce...": http://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/1millionLINKS to Bible verses about divorce for emotional and physical abuse: www.lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-in-bibleLINKS FOR TRAINING CHURCH STAFF AND VOLUNTEERS about emotional abusehttp://www.lifesavingdivorce.com/dvoctoberLINKS TO RESEARCHERS ' QUOTES ABOUT KIDS AND DIVORCE. These are the quotes that you'll never find on Evangelical websites. (At least I've never found them):—Dr. Judith Wallerstein, author, Unexpected Legacy of Divorce found that divorce was best for children in abusive situations -www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/Wallerstein—Dr. Linda Waite, who is often quoted to suggest that all marriages can become happy if you give them enough time, actually found in her study that 1 in 3 marriages did not become happy, and 8 in 10 people were happier when they divorced and remarried. - www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/Waite—Dr. Sara McLanahan, Dr. Andrew Cherlin, Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Dr. Paul Amato, who are quoted in Focus on the Family's "divorce destroys kids" articles, have all written that abuse is terrible for children and divorce is likely the better option in a toxic situation - www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/fotfLINKS TO MALACHI 2:16 and church history. Malachi was written 2,400 years ago. For the first 2,100 years it was interpreted as an anti-abuse and anti-treachery divorce, not an anti-divorce verse. Only for 385 years was it interpreted as an anti-divorce verse. No major Bible translation published since 1996 interprets Malachi 2:16 as "God hates divorce" or "I hate divorce"—not the NIV (2011 update), the ESV, or the CSB.www.lifesavingdivorce.com/malachitimelinewww.lifesavingdivorce.com/malachiLINK to Life-Saving Divorce book - amzn.to/3aH5Dfp-----------------ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF FINDING OR BECOMING A SAFE CHURCH, read CHAPTER 8 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, substance abuse, etc.Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
Emerson Eggerichs Book Enables Abuse—Often Leading to Divorce | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-03-16 | I asked women and men in my online Christian divorce recovery group what they thought of the book LOVE AND RESPECT by Emerson Eggerichs. I wanted their opinions because many of them tried for decades to fix their painful marriages. In just 24 hours a flood of responses came in. Many said they had actually read the book while they were married, in their Sunday school class or small group or a marriage retreat or a copy was given to them by well-meaning friends. And the vast majority said the book harmed their marriage. Many said it turned their husband into a mean, self-centered person. (Some men chimed in too.) In this video I read a lot of their comments (anonymously, of course). More comments in this article: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/loveandrespectIn this video I read the comments of 25 people who read the book "Love and Respect." Based on the comments I don’t think Eggerichs understands domestic violence and emotional abuse, and by not identifying it and condemning it, he actually encourages it. Here's a link to a 2019 video of him on stage giving a talk at Houston’s First Baptist Church where he describes criminal assault—physical violence in his childhood home—and doesn’t even call it abuse. youtu.be/a3x76Xuocpw?t=1500His father tried to strangle his mother—which is very serious as we all know, often considered felony assault. His mother left for 5 years. And apparently Eggerichs’ father sent him to military school for 5 years due to “family issues.” Emerson doesn’t condemn his father’s attack on his mother. He doesn’t call it criminal—or domestic violence. He doesn’t even say it was abusive. If Eggerichs doesn't recognize the strangling of his own mother as abuse, he really doesn't believe in abuse at all.He doesn’t talk about his mother’s safety. He doesn't suggest she was justified to get away. He doesn't mention any change in his father’s behavior that caused her to return 5 years later. He merely suggests that “coming to Christ” is all you need. And yet the comments I just read to you were from Christian church-going couples. They had "come to Christ" at some point in their lives. To be fair to Eggerichs, I did get some positive comments, which I read at the beginning of the video.But the bottom line? If you're a pastor or a Bible study leader or in charge of marriage ministry, there are much better book study options for marriage enrichment. Here is a list of the BEST BOOKS on marriage for Christians.5 HELPFUL BOOKS ABOUT MARRIAGE AND SEX FOR CHRISTIANS1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman (tied) - amzn.to/2P3btSv1. The Gift of Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner (tied) - amzn.to/2OZ3plQ3. Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (tied) - amzn.to/3vyRJHt3. Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas (tied) - amzn.to/3qRnvM75. Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus - amzn.to/3ll4OPT(These are Amazon affiliate links.)To see the whole chart, comparing the best and worst of the most popular Christian marriage books see link below. Here's the rubric and scorecard for the 14 books. tolovehonorandvacuum.com/gsr-rubric---------FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF ABUSE along with 130 examples of abuse, read Chapter 4 in The Life-Saving Divorce book. amzn.to/3CCBsnr or AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area. She helps heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 25 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.For more information:Website and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/lifesavingdivorce.bsky.socialFacebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdivorceInstagram instagram.com/gretchenbaskerville You Tube youtube.com/@lifesavingdivorceTwitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback or eBook: amzn.to/3CCBsnr AUDIOBOOK: amzn.to/4f52Mh4As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Men Who are Victims of Marital Abuse | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-03-08 | Today we discuss husbands who are abused or betrayed by their wives, and look at the 10 KEY TAKEAWAYS. We'll hear these men's first-person stories. If you're a woman who thought this could never happen, think again. If you're a man who believes this could never happen to smart successful men, not true. If you think it could only happen to a man from a dysfunctional home, wake up. GOOD NEWS! These men all found excellent counseling, their destructive marriages ended, and all are very happily remarried today. 05:21 - POLL: How many people in the audience know at least one man who was abused or betrayed in his marriage?We hear the stories of "Gary" and "John" and we discuss the prevalence of various kinds of abuse:1. Gary's marriage to a serial cheating wife. Adultery IS abuse. 32:112. What percentage of wives have cheated? (See the graph.) 30:183. What percentage of men and women have experienced intimate partner violence? 30:524. John's Story of emotion coercion, isolation, and false accusations. 32:115. Ten takeaways from men's stories 51:47For another excellent case study, listen to "David," a software tech startup entrepreneur, as he tells his story: youtu.be/23NBi6GKqUAABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF abused or betrayed husbands, read Chapter 9 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, substance abuse, etc.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
How to Divorce If Youre Worried About Money | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-03-03 | In today's interview Debra Doak, CDC CDFA, a Christian divorce coach and pastoral counselor talks about your options if you're not really sure you want to leave your spouse. How do you protect yourself and still give God time to see if your spouse is willing or capable of leaving their infidelity, abuse or porn use behind?You're not ready to say: YES or NO. The good news is you can say "WAIT."In this video, Debra talks about walking the Parallel Path. You haven't said "yes" to divorce, or "no." You are waiting with intention. You are holding to a thread of hope, but at the same time preparing a safety plan in case he doesn't respect your boundaries and change. 02:17 Holding out a thread of hope, working on boundaries and assertiveness. Boundaries are to keep you safe. If it doesn't keep you safe, it's not a boundary04:07 PARALLEL PATH06:17 4-STEP PLAN07:22 PREPARE - What if you're afraid to ask your spouse about your bank accounts and income? 14:05 - What to do if you spouse demands you sign a tax return you haven't seen or examined. What if they forge your name? How to document it and protect yourself. 21:56 - How to set up your own bank account, credit cards, and forward your mail in order to avoid the tactic of financial "spousal starvation."31:43 - When to see an attorney. What should you collect first.36:19 PLAN - Education, student loans, how to pick an attorney42:38 PRIORITIZE - figure out what you need: cash now? retirement now? a house now?46:32 POSITION - how to decide if it's time to go. How to determine whether your spouse has really changed or is just checking off the boxes. Looking for fruit of change. Knowledge is the antidote to fear.We talk about how to gather information about your household income and expenses, and Debra gives insights on what to do if your spouse demands you sign the joint income tax return without seeing any of the numbers or documents used to prepare it. She explains how to document it and protect yourself legally. ----ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF CREATING AN ESCAPE PLAN, read p. 198-208, in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, substance abuse, etc.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
Rebuilding After Sexual Trauma in Marriage | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-02-24 | In 2020, researcher and author Sheila Gregoire surveyed 20,000 women about their marital and sexual satisfaction for her book “The Great Sex Rescue.” In this video we’re talking about what she learned about conservative religious women, marital abuse, and recovering from sexual trauma. Let’s jump right in! :30 – About the survey7:40 – Sexual trauma that comes from evangelical messages about sex 7:50 – Damaging messages such as men’s sexual needs matter but not a woman’s10:50 – Red flags of unhealthy marital sexuality11:20 – Damaging messages blaming the wife for the husband’s affairs or porn use12:45 – Lust defined. Treating someone as an object for their pleasure13:45 – What is sexual coercion in marriage?14:36 – The Kingdom of God means you matter to the Lord. He doesn’t want you mistreated.16:20 – Porn’s effect on marriages, how many men use it, hope for younger men who didn’t use porn very long.19:40 – Porn taints men’s view of their wives and of marital sex.20:10 – “Do not deprive” passage in the Bible 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.21:10 – Porn-inducted erectile dysfunction.21:20 – Men who don’t want sex and don’t touch their wives due to porn use.22:00 – What does covert and hidden sexual abuse look like?25:20 – Based on 1 Corinthians 7, can a wife refuse sex for any reason? (Yes, she can.)27:20 – How to talk to your husband meeting your sexual needs.31:00 – Men who are victims of sexual coercion. Wives who are sexually abusive. Arousal non-concordance. David’s story: youtu.be/23NBi6GKqUA33:30 – Sexual consent in marriage. 37:45 – Does our sexual relationship breathe life into our marriage and make us feel more intimate?38:26 – How do manipulative one-sided sex messages affect women’s sexual pain (vaginismus)? 41:20 – Which Evangelical marriage and sex books are good and which ones damage a woman’s sexual satisfaction? (The best book of the 13 bestsellers was "The Gift of Sex" by Clifford and Joyce Penner." The worst was "Love and Respect" by Eggerichs.) See the comparison chart of 13 books by signing up: tolovehonorandvacuum.com/gsr-rubric44:00 – Question from the Life-Saving Divorce group: Is virginity the only thing that matters in marriage? How do healthy Christians find sexual intimacy? Philippians 3:2-8.45:00 – Why “Debt-free virgins without Tattoos” is missing the point. Character matters.46:30 – A biblical sexual ethic reserving sex for marriage is wise. 47:00 – Individual character matters. 48:30 – How can you rebuild your sexual life, perhaps with a new partner after divorce? What kind of therapies did you hear about in the survey? EMDR49:20 – Insights/quotes from Rachael Denhollander about finding healthy sexuality after trauma.ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF sexual manipulation in marriage, read p.125-140 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, substance abuse, etc.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage——————
Davids Story—When Men Are Abuse Victims-Pt1 | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-02-23 | Men can be victims of chronic abuse and betrayal. In 2019, I interviewed David for my book "The Life-Saving Divorce." His story was powerful, and it changed the way I saw men, martial abuse, and parental alienation. At the time, he was dealing with legal and parenting issues with his ex-wife, and he had just remarried. In this video interview, he tells the story of his first marriage: the betrayal that led to his waking up about the abuse, his efforts to fix the marriage, and the custody crisis that ensued.PART 1: David was brought up in a high-achieving conservative Christian homeschooling family, and attended a complementarian church that was part of the Sovereign Grace group of churches on the East Coast. He was taught the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" purity culture formula for courtship and marriage, which is well-intentioned but often results in pushing young people to marry young and to ignore danger signs.David was a good kid from a loving home who had a great relationship with his parents—and followed all the rules, rules that promised marital success in his faith community.In this interview he talks about the dangers of being brought up complementarian, and never taught what to do when you’ve gone several stages down the courtship path and notice serious red flags in your fiancé. He discusses the outward signs of holiness that were supposed to guarantee a good marriage but in reality distract young people from focusing on integrity, intimacy, respect, friendship, and authenticity. Although his first wife was known to be deceitful and unstable prior to their wedding (something other people had warned him about), he was given assurances by his faith community that all would be well because she met the litmus test of wanting to be a traditional stay-at-home mother. These teachings propelled him to wed a destructive woman who was manipulative and coercive. After many years and three children, she eventually drove him to despair and depression, falsely accusing him of a felony, resulting in his arrest (and later exoneration).He talks about trauma bonds, and the therapists who saved his life and helped him see the truth about love addictions that cause a person to debase themselves to keep the relationship. He also discusses his strong faith in God today, despite his wife lying and moving the children to another state and the year-long legal battle to get them back. Find out why he was given sole custody by the court, and why he volunteered to share custody with his ex-wife anyway. PART 2: David talks about shared custody with his ex-wife; being a good stable parent, dating again, and his happy remarriage. We talk about finding the courage to date; how to know if someone is safe; and how his new wife integrated into the firestorm of his life after divorce.ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF MALE VICTIMS OF ABUSE, read Chapter 9 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, and/or substance abuse.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage
The Great Sex Rescue with Sheila Gregoire | The Life-Saving Divorce Gretchen Baskerville 2021-02-10 | Last year, Sheila Gregoire and her team conducted the largest ever study (to date) of Christian women’s marital and sexual satisfaction. They surveyed 20,000 women to find out the state of our unions, and how they got that way. Her new book, THE GREAT SEX RESCUE, uncovers the teachings in conservative religious communities that make sex great—or make it terrible. Shiela Gregoire, is an award-winning Christian marriage author and daily blogger at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, one of the largest marriage blogs in North America. Although many Christian marriages report happy sex lives, a significant number do not. Why is that? Today Sheila will share her startling findings: that many of the false messages (promoting “obligation sex”) in Evangelical marriage books make our marriages and sex lives significantly worse.How much worse? Well, when she compared Christian women with women in the general population, she found that twice as many religious women who believe in "obligation sex" reported having pain during intercourse (vaginismus). She also found that teachings suggesting that men's desire was all important—and treating women's desire as inconsequential—played a key role in sexless marriages. The good news? We’ll find out how to change the narrative so that we can have better marriages and sex lives. Link to Sheila's list of best and worst Christian marriage and sex lives, including the rubric and score card rating system she used: tolovehonorandvacuum.com/gsr-rubricVideo also helps women defend themselves against the "do not deprive" verses 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.ABOUTGretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF SEXUAL COERCION AND ABUSE, read p.130-143 in "The Life-Saving Divorce" book.What's a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, substance abuse, etc.How to Get the Book, "The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships"Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Follow Gretchen Baskerville:Subscribe to Gretchen's You Tube channel: youtube.com/channel/UCRgtUNfTlYIRDt8iOK6XPKQFacebook: facebook.com/gretchen.baskervilleTwitter: twitter.com/GGBaskervilleOther helpful linksWebsite and Blog: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com Top 50 Blog Posts by Topic: http://lifesavingdivorce.com/popularLife-Saving Divorce Email Signup: http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/courage—
