Name: Present Face by Garfunkel and Oates @garfunkelandoates
Uploaded: 2024-10-22T08:17:00-05:00
Duration: 8 min 17 s
Description: Present Face by Garfunkel and Oates

Present Face by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2024-10-22 | Present Face by Garfunkel and Oates

Whats Gonna Happen to Chris by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2018-11-19 | LYRICS:

If there’s a thousand people in the company
One guy’s gotta be the worst guy
One guy’s gotta be in thousandth place
We’re gonna call that guy, what would that guy be named,
Maybe something like Chris

Verse 1:
Being the least productive guy in the office
Used to be enough to keep Chris employed
But now this political correctness
Is threatening the certainty he once enjoyed

Sure, Chris believes in equality
And he supports a merit-based system
But why can’t things completely change
And stay exactly the same for him

Oh yeah why can’t the world eliminate it’s deeply ingrained unconscious bias without effecting Chris’ accounting job
Before we worry about solving centuries of oppression
We can’t forget to ask the most important question

Chorus:
What’s gonna happen to you Chris
Are you going to actually have to try
How could they do you this to you Chris
Why oh why oh why
Sure we all want change
But have you thought about this
What’s gonna happen to Chris

Verse 2:
Chris feels like collateral damage
And we sympathize with the situation he’s in
But Chris is like a kick line in a musical
People have been applauding him for literally no reason

He’s been sailing on through but contributing nothing
The worst guy in the whole company
Chris is as good at doing his job
As we are at doing harmony

If Chris was a flavor he’d be tofu
If the world was a mansion he’d be a door hinge
If he was in Hamilton he’d be Peggy
If he was a Tootsie Pop he’d be orange

If Chris was a sport he’d be baseball
If this is was marriage he’d be the wife
If Chris was a tragedy he’d be thoughts and prayers
If this was the apocalypse he’d be a butterknife

If this was Sex and the City he’d be a Carrie
Yeah I said it Carrie’s boring as shit
Everyone who’s anyone is a Miranda
And I think deep down we all know it

If Chris was an animal he’d be a gerbil
If he was technology he’d be a paper calendar
If he was a spaceship he’d be Columbia
It also exploded but it was no challenger no no no no
And still we can ask the most important question

Chorus:
What’s gonna happen to you Chris
Are you going to actually have to try
How could they do you this to you Chris
Why oh why oh why
Sure we all want change
But have you thought about this
What’s gonna happen to me

Bridge:
It’s so hard to be a man right now
Why is everybody trying to oppress me
Why can’t we fix centuries of discrimination without things getting so messy

It's so good to be a woman right now
We really have it all
We’ve got 6 percent of the CEO jobs
That’s up 2 percent from the 80’s

We make 80 cents on the dollar
Sure I make a dollar on the dollar but it’s still seems pretty scary

We can finally come forward and name our attackers with mixed reactions
What if I didn’t know I was attacking you
I’m literally losing everything

It’s so hard
It’s so easy
When the world is like it is
Sure we all want change
But have you thought about this
What’s gonna happen to Chris

How to Cure Hiccups

Garfunkel And Oates 2018-10-15 | This is real. It works. STEP ONE: Put your hand on their back where you feel the muscle contracting as they hiccup. TWO: Have them relax that muscle into your hand. THREE: Have them take deep breaths. I say ten deep breaths so they don't feel rushed but it usually happens in three. TRY IT!

50/50 by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2018-07-10 | A feminist love song.

LYRICS

VERSE ONE:
Close your eyes, make a wish, picture your perfect woman
Now open your eyes and forget about her cause I’m here and I’m not it
And before we go any further
There’s a few things I’d like to admit

I’m a self-absorbed workaholic
My mind is always divided
My schedule is erratic, just like my thoughts
I’m easily depressed or overly excited whoo!

I can’t do anything around the house
If you want food you gotta cook it yourself
And if we stop having sex, I will leave
I have friends that give me everything else

I’ve got goals and dreams and aspirations
I’ve got shit to do
I’m not gonna change all my plans
Just to be with you

Yeah we’re a perfect couple
If you’re totally comfortable being alone
We’ll always be together
If it’s cool that I’m never home

If you like overcompensation for boundless insecurity
This is where it’s at
And if you notice I’ve been talking about myself this whole time
Well, get ready for more of that

And I’m like look at me look at me watch me watch me listen to me listen to this what do you think tell me the truth compliments only please
Oh man you really get me

CHORUS:
I’m gonna make your dreams come true
As long as they don’t interfere with mine
I’ll always be here for you
For methodically allotted amounts of time
I’ll be there to hold your hand
If I happen to be in town
And any time you need me
There’s a 50/50 chance I’ll be around

I know this all sounds bad
But you know what else is true
Every word that I just said
Could have also been describing you
Yes every word that I just said
Could have also been describing you

VERSE TWO:
You just don’t feel don’t feel bad about it
It’s never even occurred to you
To not go after all the things
You’ve ever wanted to

You weren’t subconsciously conditioned
To give up your dreams for me
Or that loved and ambitious
Were mutually exclusive things to be

It probably didn’t cross your mind
That your mom had goals too
That had nothing to do with getting married
And nothing to do with having you

Can we stop pretending
That it isn’t kind of sad
That your mom never pursued anything
With the same intensity as your dad

And right now you’re thinking
Not my mom, that was her decision
Okay, sure, but all our moms
That’s what they all envisioned
So therefore…

CHORUS

CODA:
Look I’ll meet you halfway there
But I can’t give you more than that
And know it’s not as sweet of a deal
As every man ever before you had

All I want is 50/50
All I want is half
And if those numbers seem off to you
Why?

It doesn’t mean I won’t be your partner
It doesn’t mean I won’t come through
It doesn’t mean I’m a bad person
It just means I’m the same as you

So if you’re looking for an equal you found it
But if want someone better than you, try again
Cause I only have what it takes to be man
I’ve never had what it takes to be a woman

Both Sides Can Laugh by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2018-03-23 | LYRICS:
Everyone once in a while you meet a special kind man
A needle in a haystack, a diamond in a pile of shit
A man who’s never written music but thinks he can
A republican crypto currency guy like Dan

Thank you, digital accountant Dan
For explaining how to write a song
I wouldn’t have known to choose a topic
Before you, you, Dan, you came along

Thanks for telling me to write down my thoughts
And send them all to you
So you can make sure it doesn’t offend
The conservative point of view

You say it’s time to pop my liberal bubble
And reach across the aisle
Find levity in relatable things
That can make the red and blue states smile

Because comedy should be inclusive
And connect with the other half
It should make us all feel comfortable
So both sides can laugh

Well, I’m going to take your advice, computer Dan
And write something bipartisan
So here’s my song

VERSE 1:
Don’t you hate it when you’re liberal and you’re stuck in traffic
Now I’m late for my big meeting
Don’t you hate it when you’re conservative and your inlaws are here
Oh brother what’s your mother gonna say
Don’t you hate it when you’re liberal and you lose your glasses
How can I find my glasses without my glasses
Or when you’re a conservative and your gun control policies enable constant, senseless, devastating mass shootings
Isn’t it great when both sides can laugh
Hahahahahahaha

We’re really not that different
We should come together as one
With easy, pleasing, breezy jokes
You know comedy can just be fun

CHORUS:
So let’s all get together
And embrace the other half
With this song
Where both sides can laugh

VERSE TWO:
Don’t you hate it when you’re liberal and a song’s in your head
Maureen I’m not a theater person
Or when you’re conservative and your podcast won’t load
It’ll only play an ad from blue apron
Don’t you hate when you’re liberal and you can’t stop crying
Boo hoo I want civil rights
Or when you’re conservative and your pussy grabbing liar threatens nuclear annihilation on twitter
Isn’t it great when both sides can laugh
Hahahahahahaha

In this time of political turmoil
I should ignore it and be polite
It’s more comfortable for all of us
If I don’t pick between left and wrong

CHORUS:
So let’s all get together
And embrace the other half
With this song
Where both sides can laugh

BRIDGE:
If I want a ceasefire to transpire
Stop preaching to the whining lefty choir
Embrace the climate change denier
Give every joke a qualifier

With harmless, responsible comedy
Where we all feel good about our choices
That recognizes everyone
As equally valid political voices

Comedians should be on the medians
And put a premium on obedience
Be through with mental acuity
Find unity through ambiguity

All this complaining and exaggerating
Is actually just exacerbating
The futility and hypocrisy
Of the left wing aristocracy

Let go of the same old blue shtick
Stop trying to skew shit
I sound like a mouthy shrew chick
Acoustic music isn’t psychotherapeutic

I need to get a clue quick
If I want to accrue new YouTube clicks
Subdue this taboo shit I spew
Find a new, more palatable point of view

Well you underestimated me
Cause I don’t look like the enemy
My tentacles are venom-y
A musical comedy sea anemone

But I should say it’s okay
That no matter the cost, you want your little pistol
And it’s fine that voted for Voldemort
As long as your reasons were purely fiscal
Oh, you’re just greedy, I didn’t realize, that’s fine

CHORUS:
So let’s all get together
And embrace the other half
With this song
Where both sides can laugh

CODA:
What do you think, Dan, how did I do
I can’t believe I used to write songs that had point of view
Being general’s always better for comedy it’s true
Thank god for you, Dan, thank only Christian god for you

Egg Freezing clip from Trying To Be Special

Garfunkel And Oates 2016-05-04 | Garfunkel and Oates talk about freezing eggs in their Vimeo special, Trying To Be Special. In this clip, they show actual footage of Riki shooting herself with hormones in an airport parking lot. Buy the special here: vimeo.com/ondemand/garfunkelandoates/161193814

Opening Dance from Trying To Be Special

Garfunkel And Oates 2016-04-29 | Garfunkel and Oates' overture and opening dance number to their Vimeo special, Trying To Be Special. Order it here: vimeo.com/ondemand/garfunkelandoates/161193814

Choreographed by Kathryn Burns
Overture by Eban Schletter

Trying To Be Special Trailer

Garfunkel And Oates 2016-04-15 | Our new standup special, Trying To Be Special, comes out May 5th on Vimeo! Check out the trailer and pre-order here: vimeo.com/ondemand/garfunkelandoates/161193813

Garfunkel and Oates Records 29/31

Garfunkel And Oates 2015-08-29 | Behind the scenes in the studio. Riki records the final scream of 29/31 with producer Mike Phirman. SECRETIONS, the new album from Garfunkel and Oates, comes out September 10th!

SECRETIONS - The New Album from Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2015-08-15 | Garfunkel and Oates have a new album! And it's coming out September 10th!

The BEST Flight Attendant Ever!

Garfunkel And Oates 2015-08-10 | Garfunkel and Oates love the Virgin America theme song and so does our flight attendant.

Frozen Lullaby by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2015-06-17 | Riki and Kate tell their future frozen egg babies where babies come from.

LYRICS:
When a man doesn’t love a woman very very much
He signs away his paternal rights and jizzes in a cup
Then with lots of money and scientific genius
Hormones, pain and of course, um… Jesus

The process begins the way god intended
With a transvaginal ultrasound
With a wand longer than a ukulele
When it comes out of my body, it makes this sound (pop)

I give myself daily intradermal injections
An acute blood thinner and estrogen concurrence
Cryopreservation through hormonal activation
And none of it’s covered by insurance

Then I’m knocked out and you’re removed
And combined with a stranger’s come
And as the saying goes
You win some, you lose some/you dispose of the defective ones in a hazardous waste bin

And then you’re frozen until I’m certain
It’s time to unthaw you into a person
Then you’ll expire or you’ll make the grade
And that, my darling, that’s how babies are made
(It’s so easy and natural)

CHORUS:
Hush little egg baby don’t say a word
Mama’s gonna freeze you til she gets rich

And when that day finally arrives
You’ll be constructed in a petri dish
With sperm donor 8w6-3
The silent partner of our family

So hush little egg baby don’t be sad
Just because I never fucked your dad

VERSE 2:
I know there are orphans everywhere
But I’m going to pretend that isn’t real
Don’t look at me like that just cause I admit it
You had kids and you knew the deal

Yeah I feel guilty about overpopulation
And ruining the environment for forever
But Osama Bin Laden had 20 kids
So fuck you or whatever

Sadly procreation is not a meritocracy
And we need to prevent a real life Idiocracy
Though it may be the ultimate form of narcissism
It’s also a way to re-reverse reverse Darwinism

Gonna mute the sound of that ticking clock
I just need the sperm now I don’t need the cock
My ovaries are like hey girl I’m over here
And I’m all like shhhh

I want all the stuff I don’t need a bucket list
It doesn’t make me greedy it just makes me feminist
Now I’m thinking back through all the guys I’ve dated
If they heard this song they’d fucking hate it

CHORUS:
Hush little egg baby don’t you cry
You’ll have the best genes mommy can buy

I don’t want to wait until I get in dire straights
My friends say if I want kids I should go out on some dates
But these working bitches don’t have time to leave it to the fates
The world deserves more Riki’s and the world deserves more Kate’s

So hush little egg baby dad’s are overrated
He did what mattered when he masturbated

BRIDGE:
Hush little egg baby just hold firm
Mama’s gonna buy you designer sperm

And if that sperm gives you random traits
Mama’s gonna test your dna

And if your dna doesn’t make things clear
Mama’s gonna just have to live in fear

And if that fear turns into guilt
Mama’s gonna hold onto what we built

And if I hold too tight as to suffocate
I’ll buy you lots of things to overcompensate

And if that overcompensation’s too transparent
I’ll pretend it’s somehow better with no male parent

And if you say but mom who’s my dad
I’ll say I don’t know and it’s just too bad

And if that badness forms a hole in your heart
I’ll want to make it up to you but won’t know where to start

I’ll probably start by saying it’s just you and me
And there’s no such thing as a normal family

So fuck being normal and let’s do this shit
Momma’s gonna freeze you til she… gets…. rich

Rainbow Connections by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2015-04-08 | A song about gay weddings. Animation by Lindsay and Alex Small-Butera. Background art by Jones N. Wiedle.

Happy Birthday to My Loose Acquaintance

Garfunkel And Oates 2014-09-04 | Garfunkel and Oates sing about writing "Happy Birthday!" on someone's Facebook wall.

Sports Go Sports by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2013-10-21 | Garfunkel and Oates sing their version of a sports anthem. Featuring Britanick (Brian McElhaney and Nick Kocher), Spencer Treat Clarke, Kyle Dunnigan, Gian Molina and David Scales.

Directed by Riki Lindhome. Produced by Adam Hendricks. DP Jay Hunter & Charles Papert. Edited by Lisa Hendricks. Production Design by Justin Lieb.

LYRICS:

I promise I really totally care who wins
If there's a net or hoop or hole in the ground, I hope they get it in
If they want to go to all the bases, I hope they do
If they're supposed to run past a line or whatever, I hope they do that, too

Sports go sports!

May they top their opponents numerically in the allotted time
Lest they disenfranchise their audience
and see their revenues decline

May the partakers be sturdy and rapid
In the spirited energies they exert
May they be victorious in perpetuity
Don't I look cute in this football shirt

Sports go sports! Athletics are number one! Participants are heroes! Go team yeah!

This is the most important thing that's ever occurred
The vicarious fulfillment of your dream that got deferred
You has aspirations as a kid but you didn't have the skill
So you watch genetically superior people do the things you never will

Sports go Sports!

May the competitors you prefer
best their opposing equivalents:
So you can somehow feel connected to the feat of your self-appointed constituents
May the hours you spend watching post-match pontificators
Amplify the thrill of being a witness
And better your predictive aptitude
For your squad's future physical fitness

Sports go sports! Athletics are number one! Participants are heroes! Go team yeah!

Watching abile-bodied millionaires play with each other
Watching less agile millionaire talk about it on TV
May they compile copious points so they are rewarded and meritorious
So you feel temporarily, adjacently victorious

Sports go sports! Athletics are number one! Participants are heroes! Go team yeah!

Every other word:
Sports! Sports! Athletics! Number! Participants! Heroes! Go! Yeah!

Every other other word:
Go! Athletics! Number! Are! Team!

Now in Latin:
Ludis ire ludis
Arcu sunt optimum
Participants sunt heroes
Ire quadrigus sic

Now the truth:
If you could only throw a ball
You'd have a hotter wife
Lots and lots of money
And a way better life
And a way better life
Go Sports!

The Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2013-06-25 | A song about Christian girls who stay virgins until they're married but have anal sex instead. Director: Riki Lindhome. DP: Jay Hunter. Producer: Adam Hendricks. Production Design: Justin Lieb. Choreographer: Kathryn Burns. Editor: Kevin Oeser.

The College Try by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2012-11-20 | Riki (Garfunkel) Lindhome and Kate (Oates) Micucci sing about a college bisexual experience. LYRICS:

There comes a time in everyone's life
When they choose stasis or they choose to grow
To be open new views and experiences
And challenge what they think they know

We don't live a in a black and white world
And sexuality exists in the gray
You can't define those roles so rigidly
By saying someone's totally straight or totally gay

Cause people are just people
And love today is omnisexual
God, I love this new side of me
As a modern heteroflexible

So with the help of a lot of booze
I find a girl and we make out
And it feels the same as kissing a guy
So I don't see what the fuss is about

We keep hooking up and it feels so good
And with my new broad outlook firmly in place
I've come so far, it feels so right
There's a vagina in my face and I'm all

Ewwwwwwww...

Holy shit I didn't expect that, didn't know I'd react that way
I was repelled like negatively charged ions in a magnetic field or like I got pricked by a thorn
I'm Cinderella and it's midnight and my coach turned into a woman
I haven't been that close to a vagina since I was born

I thought I understood what was up down there
But it's just so human when you see it up close
It's a messy visible secreting organ
Real woman genitals are kinda gross

I thought it'd be smooth and non-threatening
Or nonexistent like Barbie's
Instead it looks like a half eaten Beef and Cheddar
In the garbage can at Arby's

It's wrinkly and flappy and uneven and messy
And kind of pink but also kind of brown
With a super aggressive tongue-like hole
And a hoody triangle protruding skin mound

It's like a weather beaten deflated football
Or a decomposing, bloody pear
Or a toothless mouth with gum rot and yeast
That's salivating and covered in hair

I knew it smelled weird but this is extreme
Like old French dressing at a salad bar
Or expired banana Activia
Or a dead, rotting turtle you left in your car

It reminds me of the smell of my grandma's house
Or a guinea pig with bacterial disease
Wafting from a jar of formaldahyde
Or fresh Spaghetti-O's and warm blue cheese

I'm sorry I can't believe I said that
That was insensitive and immature
I swear I'm not homophobic or anti-woman
Just caught of guard for sure

The female anatomy's divine and perfect
And should be eternally celebrated
And revered for it's role as beautiful vessel
Wherein all life is created
And when I think about it I'm like

Ewwwwwwww...

Sorry for the confusion ma'am
I guess I'm not that evolved
And my illusions of bisexuality
Just instantly dissolved

I mourn the cool new life I'd envisioned
Where love renders gender preference obsolete
Cause when I looked a vagina in the eye
I made a hasty, ungraceful retreat

So my sad but definite conclusion is
That my mouth is for food and penises only
But I'm happy so many people like it down there
Otherwise I'd be really lonely
And I can't believe I have one of those

Pregnant Women are Smug by Garfunkel and Oates: The Official Video

Garfunkel And Oates 2012-08-07 | Here's a musical number from our webseries on hbogo.com! Cause pregnant women are smug. Everyone knows it, nobody says it, because they're pregnant. Directed by Ryan McFaul.

For more about the series click here: http://itsh.bo/garfunkeloates

Garfunkel and Oates Webisodes Preview

Garfunkel And Oates 2012-08-07 | Check out the show on hbogo.com! This clip features the hilarious and adorable Arden Myrin. Directed by Ryan McFaul.

For more about the series click here: http://itsh.bo/garfunkeloates

Garfunkel and Oates Webisodes Preview

Garfunkel And Oates 2012-08-07 | Check out the show on hbogo.com! This clip features the hilarious Artemis Pebdani. Directed by Ryan McFaul.

For more about the series click here: http://itsh.bo/garfunkeloates

Garfunkel and Oates Webisodes Preview

Garfunkel And Oates 2012-08-07 | Check out the show on hbogo.com! Directed by Ryan McFaul.

For more about the series click here: http://itsh.bo/garfunkeloates

The Fade Away by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2012-06-29 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing about the way some women break up with men- by not telling them. They just do the fade away...

LYRICS:

We've been on a bunch of dates
I weigh debates that this creates
And hate that state of forced introspection
We traded wit, we swapped some spit,
You fingered me a little bit
But we never really had a connection

You did nothing wrong, I have no excuse
Just my intuition telling me we shouldn't reproduce

I know I have to end it
But pretend to just suspend it
By contending that I'm busy all week
I let the foregone linger on
Text back with an emoticon
Withdraw from you by being oblique

Inside I know my tactics just delay it
But I'd do anything so I don't have to say it

I'll draw this out forever like it's Vietnam
Then one day I'll be gone like Bambi's mom Awww

Cause there's the right thing to do
Then there's what I'm gonna do
There's so much I should say
But instead... I do the fade away

Now I'm fading like chalk on a sidewalk
Or the polio virus after Jonas Salk
Like a Jewish guy at Arby's on Yom Kippur
The Whig party post Millard Fillmore

The erection of a man on antidepressants
The cast of Diff'rent Strokes after adolescence
Reproductive rights below the Mason Dixon
Native Americans after the barter systems
Your thyroid gland after Hashimoto
The family in the Back to the Future photo
Yeah I fade away

We say that men are asshole who don't communicate
We revel in our victimhood and amplify our hate
We find ways to be indignant like it's a sport
Then dissect their malignance with the views we distort

The way men break up may be sloppy and terse
What they do is bad, but what we do is worse

We pretend to ourselves it's the nice thing to do
To let you down gently by just not fucking telling you
And deep down we know it's the worst way to play it
But we are what we have... huge pussies

And women are hypocrites
Especially ones in comedy bands
We see your faults but not our own
Then we wonder why we're all alone

We fill you up with maybe's, excuses and stalls
But like a baby in China... it's better to have balls

Not the Good Wife type like Christine Baranski
So I'll pull out and leave like I'm Roman Polanski

Cause there's the right thing to do
Then there's what I'm gonna do
There's so much I should say
But instead... I do the fade away

Like Verbal Kint fading into Kaiser Soze
The rights in Arizona for a guy named Jose
Opportunities for a college grad
The love between your mom and dad
Gonna Peter out like a gay Cetera
Iranian relations since the Regan era
Black Nike sales after Heaven's Gate
Summer Camp attendance at Penn State
The name Adolph after World War Two
Like Debbie Gibson's pop career, Out of the Blue
Yeah I fade away

Cause I don't wanna get to know you
I just want to blow you... off

29/31 by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2012-05-29 | Garfunkel and Oates play the same woman, 2 years apart. Kate plays the 29 year old version of the woman, Riki plays the 31 year old.

My Apartments Very Clean Without You (Official Video) by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2012-04-10 | Deanna Rooney animated this song by Garfunkel and Oates. Deanna's website: http://dlrooney.tumblr.com

Save the Rich (Official Video) by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2012-02-29 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing a 'We are the World'-style parody about the current economic crisis. Directed by MATT and OZ. Produced by Jill Kushner.

Credits:
AD: Chad Nicholson
DP: Blake McClure
Gaffer: David Cronin
Key Grip: Matt Bobbitt
Production Designer: Rachael Ferrara
Choreographer: Kathryn Burns
Casting: Steve Robles
Hair/MakeUp: The SkinOwl
Wardrobe Stylist: Jade Sauzo
Stills: Jon Weinburg
PAs: Lucius Nicholson, Andrew Grissom, Kay Hanley

Actors: Donald Knott
Martin Olson
Phil Hughes
David Kearse
Greg Roudebush
Stan Clark
David Bickford
Robert Williams
John Thomas
Pat Bettendorf
Andy Goldstein
Robert Barrett
Jeff Bontems

Dancers: The Republican National Dance Squad
Dave Birr
Alyx Andrushuk
Marcos Perez
Sara Jester
David Johnson
Randy Liedtke

Slippery When Moist

Garfunkel And Oates 2012-01-26 | Garfunkel and Oates has a new album coming out called "Slippery When Moist". Get it February 21st! (Video directed by Matt and Oz)

Scary F**ked Up Christmas by Garfunkel and Oates (Featuring Doug Benson)

Garfunkel And Oates 2011-12-19 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing about getting high on Christmas. Shot by Brian Gove & Edited by Riki Lindhome.

Save the Rich- Garfunkel and Oates with Weird Al Yankovic

Garfunkel And Oates 2011-12-06 | Garfunkel and Oates perform their song, Save the Rich, with the legendary and amazing Weird Al Yankovic at The Super Serious Show in Los Angeles.

Save the Rich by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2011-11-10 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing about the Occupy Wall Street movement. Shot by Raul Fernandez.

LYRICS:

Everyone knows these times are really tough
And we need to band together say we've had enough
All the jobless people need to learn to be content
Cause what we need to do is protect our one percent

Save the rich
Let them know you care
Don't leave to languish
In their penthouse of despair

Save the rich
Let their bonuses be swollen
And let them keep it all tax free
Even if it's stolen

Save the rich

Let's give our job creators
More than their fare share
So they can go to Asia
And create jobs over there

There's loopholes and exemptions
And children to exploit
So give them special tax breaks
Go fuck yourself Detroit

And those who don't create jobs
Really need help too
Cause without their 7th home
How will they make it through

It's not time for complaining
Not the time for class war
It's time sacrifice yourself
To give them more and more and more
And more and more and more

Save the rich
America's built on corporate greed
It's not Wall Street's fault
If you can't get what you need

Save the rich
Don't go crying to mommy
Cause if you don't agree
Than you're socialist commie

Save the rich

Blame yourself for your problems
Not the bad economy
So what if those who have the most
Are the ones who put it in jeopardy

Fuck your student loans
Fuck your kids and their health care
It'll only take 10,000 of your jobs
To put another private jet in the air

Save the rich
It's so easy to do
Just let yourself be ignorant
To what's been done to you

Save the rich
By doing nothing at all
Deny all sense and logic
And just think really small
You should think really small
Or just don't think at all
And save the rich

Hey Girl in the Moonlight by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2011-10-27 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing about where you're supposed to look when someone is singing to you. Shot by Charles Papert

I Dont Know Who You Are by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2011-09-08 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing about running into someone they don't recognize. Shot by Charles Papert.

My Apartments Very Clean Without You by Garfunkel and Oates & Jeff Marx

Garfunkel And Oates 2011-06-11 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing a song written by them and Jeff Marx (Avenue Q).

Go Kart Racing (Accidentally Masturbating) by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2011-05-27 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing about Riki's recent experience on a go kart.

Lyrics:

Get on my go kart, strap myself in
Rev up the engine let the fun begin
Put my foot on the gas and I'm outta the gate
But the faster I go, the more the metal vibrates

My body's tingling from my head to my toes
But the thing that's really buzzing I hope nobody knows
Cause I'm feeling kinda funny in a biblical way
God damn it's shaking hard on my Georgia O'Keefe bouquet

I never guessed this trembling machine would
Turn the motor on under my hood

Go kart racing, accidentally masturbating
Go kart racing, mechanically self-fornicating
Go kart racing, no stopping til I cross the finish line

Shifting gears I can feel my heart throb
Hope nobody notices I'm getting a lube job
Don't need no gentleman to start my engine
Cause I can even feel a little rear suspension

Trying to cover up my scandal like I'm Goldman Sachs
But shit is getting real on this indoor
track
About to go blind and I feel like a creep
Cause it's pressing on my horn like beep beep beep

Now my driving is getting erratic
Cause this transmission is automatic

Go kart racing, accidentally masturbating
Go kart racing, mechanically self-fornicating
Go kart racing, no stopping til I cross the finish line

If the fruit is ripe you might as well pluck it
Was gonna slow down but then I thought fuck it
No one look at me cause this is it
Green flag go go holy shit!

Go kart racing, accidentally masturbating
Go kart racing, mechanically self-fornicating
Go kart racing, no stopping til I cross the finish line

I Would Never (Dissect A Ewe) by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2011-05-06 | Garfunkel and Oates decided to parody one of their own songs. I Would Never (Dissect a Ewe) is a parody of their song I Would Never (Have Sex with You) by Garfunkel and Oates. Here is the original: http://youtu.be/ilOx2Jmm1r4

Weed Card by Garfunkel and Oates (Official Video)

Garfunkel And Oates 2011-04-17 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing about the perils of obtaining medical marijuana in California.

Featuring David Koechner. Directed by Raul B Fernandez.

www.garfunkelandoates.com
www.raulbfernandez.com

This Party Took a Turn for the Douche (Official Video) by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2011-02-17 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci's official video for This Party Took a Turn for the Douche. Directed by Daniel Stessen. Featuring Sarah Silverman, Tig Notaro, Alia Shawkat, Har Mar Superstar, Diora Baird, Johnny Pemberton, Josh Fadem, Duncan Trussel, Dougg Pound, Ashley Lendzion & Greg Murnion

Garfunkel and Oates All Over Your Face

Garfunkel And Oates 2010-12-10 | A teaser for Garfunkel and Oates' upcoming album, entitled All Over Your Face. From No One Buys Records.

Riki and Natasha go to Senegal

Garfunkel And Oates 2010-12-01 | Riki Lindhome and Natasha Leggero film a video in Senegal to bring awareness to malaria for the Malaria No More organization. http://malarianomore.com

I Dont Understand Job by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2010-09-13 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci perform a rap song about not knowing how to give a hand job. Featuring Chris Hardwick and filmed by Dori Oskowitz.

Garfunkel and Oates sing F**k You w/ Common Rotation and Martin Starr

Garfunkel And Oates 2010-07-29 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing their song, Fuck You, with Common Rotation and Martin Starr. They also lead the audience in a kazoo chorus. Performed at the Upright Citizens Brigade in Los Angeles. Filmed by Eric Meacham.

Garfunkel and Oates 3D Show Introduction

Garfunkel And Oates 2010-07-09 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci filmed this 3D intro for their July 9, 2010 show at the Upright Citizens Brigade in Los Angeles. Directed by David Shafei.

GARFUNKEL & OATES July 9th 2010 UCB Hollywood -The 3D SHOW!

Garfunkel And Oates 2010-07-07 | ...

Why Isnt there More F**king on this Island? (A song for LOST)

Garfunkel And Oates 2010-05-23 | Garfunkel and Oates (Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci) sing a song for the finale of LOST asking the question everyone really wants to know. Featuring Whit Hertford as Benjamin Linus. LYRICS:
Lost leaves us with many unanswered questions
There are countless mysteries unsolved
But of the puzzles that confound
And the loose ends left unwound
One thing I wonder most of all

Why ISN'T there more fucking on this island?
You're on the best vacation of your life
I'd take Sayid and get everything I need
I don't care that he used to have a wife

Why isn't there more fucking on this island?
When everyone on it is so hot
Jack should stop debating, and start ejaculating
Take advantage of what little time he's got

And just Fuck Fuck Fuck
'Til the smoke monster takes you away
'Til you try to carry dynamite from Black Rock
'Til the tall lady from West Wing stabs you
'Til that guy forgets to push a button

Why isn't there more fucking on this island?
When you know you're never gonna leave
You're never getting off so you might as well get off
The babies all die so who CARES if you conceive

Why isn't there more fucking on this island?
Everyone's so careful with their heart
No need to commit, let them put you in a split
And hide their external body part

Fuck Fuck Fuck
'Til you get between Michael and Walt
'Til your dad pretends not to love you
'Til you drown trying to do something selfless
'Til you're annoying and get buried alive

Why is there no fucking on this island?
Don't they know that they could have all this?
I should plow that ass Before I smother them with gas
I'm evil but I still have needs

The girls here are so very very pretty
And I also kinda like the dudes
Find some find fish to eat, then fill myself with meat
I'll say that Jacob told me to

Why isn't there more fucking on this island?
When you know you're probably gonna die
With carnage all around, all I'd wanna do is pound
You can crash your plane between my right thigh and my left thigh
Fuck Fuck Fuck
'Til you fall down a well and set off a nuke
'Til you get crushed in a plane full of heroin
'Til time travel induces a fatal nosebleed
'Til you get strangled and your corpse is transported to the island, acting as a proxy for Jack's dad, then you're in another plane crash and you get impersonated by the smoke monster and leave a suicide note saying "If only you believed me"

Krista auditions to play A.D.A. Sam Ramirez

Garfunkel And Oates 2009-12-08 | Krista Rae Perkins auditions to play Assistant District Attorney Sam Ramirez in a new, hour-long drama. Reader: Thomas Middleditch Camera Operator: Jordan Vogt-Roberts

F**k You (Redo) by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2009-11-15 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing a revamped version of their song "Fuck You".

Who Said It: Kanye or Hitler?

Garfunkel And Oates 2009-10-23 | Garfunkel and Oates quizzes their audience, reading off a series of quotes and asking "Who said it: Kanye or Hitler"?

Weed Card by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2009-09-10 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing a song about getting a medical marijuana card in California.
LYRICS:
Everyone knows marijuanas dangerous
And medical pot is really strong
Thats why its so hard it California
To get your weed card
Unless somethings really wrong
Gonna pay a visit to my doctor
Its a long shot but I gotta try
She hands me a list of all the ailments
I can have to qualify
Cant believe what I am reading
This is just what Ive been needing
A government supply
To get legally high

Weed card, thats what I need
Hardly ever, okay, always
But its not an addiction
Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

You can get your card for having headaches, bad dreams or anxiety
Propensity for drugs or alcohol,
Anorexia or Obesity
Too fat, too thin, either way you win)
Carpal tunnel syndrome, color blindness,
St-st-stuttering, t-t-tooth decay
Fatigue, depression, motion sickness,
Impotence or TMJ
You can smoke to quit cigarettes
For asthma or mother fucking Tourettes
Its a dream come true
Theres nothing pot cant do

Weed card, thats what I need
Hardly ever, okay, always
But its not an addiction
Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

Got back pain need mary jane
Cant handle this, need cannabis
Got a stomach ache, gotta wake and bake
Have an injury, need tch
Get fucked up for your hyperhydrosis
Which is sweaty palms in case you need a diagnosis
Its not a crime, its 4:20 time

Weed card, thats what I need
Hardly ever, okay, always
But its not an addiction
Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

This Party Took a Turn for the Douche by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2009-08-04 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci perform a rap about douchebags. Here are the LYRICS:

We roll into the bar cause thats how we do
Garfunkel, Oates and the rest of the crew
Give a dollar to my homegirl and watch that bitch go she
Hits up the juke box and puts on Jim Croce
Operator, can you help me make this call?

Were laughing and talking and the drinks are flowing
Im the liking the direction this night is going
But then I look up and something has changed
Everyone around us looks fucking deranged

I look to my left, I look to my right
Nothing but Von Dutch hats in sight
With supertight abs and supertan skin
I swear this aint the club that I walked in

Then the techno music starts to play
And the room smells like Axe body spray
Im like Golda Mier with no gold in my ear
Please tell me what the hell happened here

Yo it aint pretty but you know its the truth
This party just took a turn for the douche

For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now its just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche

I guess I cant beat em so Im gonna join em
Need some douche phrases and Im gonna coin em
Put my Bluetooth in and Im on my way
Gonna be a mother fuckin douchebag today

Gonna groom my beard like a bonsai tree
Wax off my chest like Mr Miyagi
Get a Chinese tat, dont know what it means
But it makes me look deep to girls in their teens

Dont need sleeves on my shirt, just rip em off
And leave em exposed like Bernie Madoff
Fake tan so brown you can call me foxy
Gonna pop my collar like Limbaugh pops oxy

Got more chains than Mr. T
I pity the fuckwad who messes with me
Cause Im doin roids til my balls get teeny
Like Dennis Quaid in Innerspace, up inside the weenie

Gettin crunk on brewskis with my broskis
Im cooler than Ice cube wearing snow skis
Sweeter than the life of Zach and Cody
Higher than the voice of Truman Capote

Yeah Ill drop a G for a bottle of Goose
This party just took a turn for the douche

For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now its just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche

Were an army in the night like Norman Mailer
And its time to be a tool like my name is Tim Taylor
Im a VIP cause my table said so
Im a use some Rufees cause the skank said no

I like my hair like I like my girls drink
SPIKED as fuck!!!

Did my last keg stand like General Custer
And Im assessin the damage like a claims adjuster
I aint your Daddy but Ill call you son
Yeah I get metaphysical like fuckin John Donne

Im holdin up the beats like I was Lloyd Dobbler
Girls are on the dance floor shakin their cobbler
Im Cool like LL, fly like Jeff Goldblum
Im gonna find the biggest ho in this room

Girls wax is Brazilian, her manicures French
Jean Nate is her signature stench
She got rocks on her fingers and beneath her areolas
Her gardens more savage then ch ch cherry colas

Her heels are as clear as my intentions to bang her
Hope shes birth controlled like Margaret Sanger
Gonna Boner Stabbone her, Mike Seaver her Beaver
Take her gold for cash then mother fuckin leave her

I aint in love w you cousin I aint George Michael Bluth
This party just took a turn for the douche

For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now its just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche

Sex With Ducks: the Music Video by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2009-05-27 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing a pro-gay marriage song in response to a Pat Robertson quote that legalizing gay marriage would lead to legalizing sex with ducks.

Sex with Ducks by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2009-05-26 | Riki "Garfunkel' Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing a pro-gay marriage song in response to a Pat Robertson quote that legalizing gay marriage would lead to legalizing sex with ducks.

One Night Stand by Garfunkel and Oates

Garfunkel And Oates 2009-04-19 | Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing an epic about how a one night stand would go if they were cool.