Thanks for watching!The Chicken - Bo Burnham (from THE INSIDE OUTTAKES - album out now)boburnham2022-06-07 | listen to the album: boburnham.lnk.to/INSIDEdeluxe
thank youFive Years - Bo Burnham (from THE INSIDE OUTTAKES DELUXE ALBUM OUT NOW)boburnham2022-06-03 | listen to the album: boburnham.lnk.to/INSIDEdeluxeTHE INSIDE OUTTAKES - Bo Burnham (4K)boburnham2022-05-31 | filmed from march 2020-may 2021. edited from april 2022-may 2022.
0:00 The Beginning 1:04 Bezos III 2:38 The Future 4:04 The First Month 5:32 Content BTS 7:35 Morning 8:14 Comedy BTS 9:05 Feel Good 9:42 Facetime/Jeans 10:28 Brand/HTWW/Little Joke Song/Moist 12:00 Bezos II Alt 12:20 Five Years 16:11 Trying to Be Funny 17:21 White Woman's Instagram BTS 18:33 The Podcast 20:33 Bezos I BTS 21:11 Sexting/Teeth/Be Yourself 22:48 Biden 23:39 Youtube Kid 25:55 Problematic Alt 26:40 Spider 27:09 Now 27:43 This Isn't A Joke 28:55 Goodbye/30 BTS 30:07 Camera 30:37 The Drone 31:55 Shit BTS 33:32 The Perfect Peanut Butter Sandwich 35:20 Who Knows 36:06 Welcome to the Internet BTS 40:07 The Dump 42:59 Goodbye BTS 43:16 This Feeling 44:43 That Funny Feeling Alt Angle 45:12 Time Passing 45:57 Bezos IV 46:28 mise en abyme 47:13 All Eyes On Me BTS 48:53 All Eyes On Me Alt 51:55 Stopping 53:46 Goodbye Alt 54:55 The Chicken 59:35 The ICU 1:01:46 The EndThat Funny Feeling Bo Burnham (from Inside)boburnham2021-11-26 | merch: https://boburnham.store/ vinyl/cd/cassette: boburnham.lnk.to/Shop listen to the album: boburnham.lnk.to/INSIDE
inside now streaming on netflix.All Eyes On Me Bo Burnham (from Inside - album out now)boburnham2021-06-16 | merch: https://boburnham.store/ vinyl/cd/cassette: boburnham.lnk.to/Shop listen to the album: boburnham.lnk.to/INSIDE
inside now streaming on netflix.
thank you for watching.White Womans Instagram Bo Burnham (from Inside ALBUM OUT NOW)boburnham2021-06-10 | merch: https://boburnham.store/ vinyl/cd/cassette: boburnham.lnk.to/Shop listen to the album: boburnham.lnk.to/INSIDE
inside now streaming on netflix.
thank you for watching.Welcome to the Internet - Bo Burnham (from Inside ALBUM OUT NOW)boburnham2021-06-04 | merch: https://boburnham.store/ vinyl/cd/cassette: boburnham.lnk.to/Shop listen to the album: boburnham.lnk.to/INSIDE
inside now streaming on netflix.
thank you for watching.EIGHTHGRADE_gl00bysw0rld082218.movboburnham2018-08-22 | :) http://eighthgrade.movie/Bo Burnham - Cant Handle This (Kanye Rant) - MAKE HAPPY Netflix [HD]boburnham2016-06-14 | Full show available on NETFLIX.Bo Burnham: MAKE HAPPY Trailer - NETFLIX [HD]boburnham2016-05-20 | Available on Netflix worldwide June 3rd.Repeat Stuffboburnham2014-09-24 | Directed by Rami Hachache
LYRICS: The books you think I wrote are way too thick. Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn't be a dick? And I don't watch you when you sleep. Surprisingly, I don't use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep.
You're not going to heaven. Why the fuck would you think Id ever kick it with you? None of you are going to heaven. There's a trillion aliens cooler than you.
You shouldn't abstain from rape just because you think that I want you to. You shouldn't rape because rape is a fucked up thing to do.
I don't think masturbation is obscene. Its absolutely natural and the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen. You make my job a living hell. I sent gays to fix overpopulation and boy did that go well.
You're not going to heaven. Eat a thousand crackers, sing a million hymns. None of you are going to heaven. You're not my children you're a bad games of Sims.
You shouldn't abstain from pork just 'cause you think that I want you to. You can eat pork, because why the fuck would I give a shit?
You argue and you bicker and you fight. Atheists and Catholics, Jews and Hindus argue day and night over what they think is true. But no one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you.
You pray so badly for heaven, knowing any day might be the day that you die but maybe life on earth could be heaven. Doesn't just the thought of it make it worth the try?
My love is the type of thing that you have to earn And when you earn it, you won't need it. (2x)
I'm not going to give you love just 'cause I know that you want me to. If you want love then the love is gonna come from you.what. coming soon.boburnham2013-12-05 | 12.17.13. A small token of my appreciation.
this is something different. i hope you guys like it. this song is a confession and an apology. honest, not sarcastic.
music and lyrics by bo burnham.
lyrics
art is dead, art is dead
art is dead, art is dead
entertainers like to seem complicated
but we're not complicated
i can explain it pretty easily
have you ever been to a birthday party for children
and one of the children won't stop screaming
cause he's just a little attention attractor
when he grows up to be a comic or actor
he'll be rewarded for never maturing
for never understanding or learning
that every day can't be about him
there's other people you selfish asshole
i must be psychotic, i must be demented
to think that i'm worthy of all this attention,
of all of this money you worked really hard for
i slept in late while you worked at the drug store.
my drug's attention, i am an addict
but i get paid to indulge in my habit
it's all an illusion, i'm wearing make-up
i'm wearing make-up, make-up, make-up, make-up
art is dead, so people think you're funny
how do you get those people's money?
art is dead, we're rolling in dough
while Carlin rolls in his grave, in his grave, in his grave.
this show has got a budget
the show has got a budget
and all the poor people way more deserving of the money won't budge it
cause i wanted my name in lights
when i could have fed a family of four
for forty fucking fortnights, forty fucking fortnights
i am an artist, please god forgive me
i am an artist, please don't revere me
i am an artist, please don't respect me
i am an artist, feel free to correct me
a self-centered artist, self-obsessed artist
i am an artist, i am an artist
but i'm just a kid, i'm just a kid, kid
and maybe i'll grow out of itoh bo. new CD out now!boburnham2010-10-20 | NEW TOUR FALL 2010 tickets here: http://tinyurl.com/2a3labw
hittin a club up, VIP
a got a fake moustache and fake ID
i look like wooly willy with a really wooly willy and i
bypass the bouncer, pass by an ex and i flex and bounce her, wowzers
look at all of bo's hoes, looking for a ride on bo's hose and i
spot a little latina, booty so big call it oprah's ego,
we go do it, through it she says "dios mio mi amigo!"
pull it out, stick it in your mouth, and i bust in the back of ya,
swallow bitch! there's people starving in africa.
single every single day, do it every single way
make the single ladies say, oh bo.
and if i were gay, though i swear i'm straight
i'd make the fellas say, oh bo.
you're an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top,
but careful, cherry, cause i'm the king of pop, pop, pop
pop goes my weasel, now you look like Jackson Pollock's easel.
my suggestion is, you don't blow til you know what congestion is,
swallow when you know what digestion is,
follow bo, the only question is -
have you been splattered before by the mad hatter matador?
cake batter, nevermore, it don't matter whether you're
spanish, french, swedish or cambodian
i'll slime you so hard you could be on nickelodeon.
chorus.
you think that you can handle me, girl don't make me laugh
my junk is bipolar, it'll split you in half.
and if you're lucky, i might just bring you home,
and i'll have you going down like you're growing an extra chromosome.
and when you love me, don't grab me by my buns,
cause i got a bad case of the runs. i got the runs. i got the runs.
chorus.
i'd like to break it down for y'all. i came from the streets with nothing, now i'm making hit records. for all my people still livin in the streets, still livin in poverty - i want to tell you, i'm doin this for you. my success is your success. and i know you may be thinking "hey, if you really believe that, why don't you use some of your money to help rebuild the neighborhood instead of putting spinning rims on a gold jetski...and to that i say...uh, chorus is coming up.
you got a fume like a tuna. i'll smell you later.
i met a fat chick and i fucked her in an elevator.
it was wrong on so many levels...
single every single, do it every single
pop that single like a pringle jingle, oh bo
the song's almost completed all this little ditty needed,
instrument that's double reeded, the oboe.
oh bo play that oboe.
thanks to LOOSEWORLD for making this video and jared lapidus for directing.rant.boburnham2010-10-14 | NEW TOUR FALL 2010 tickets here: http://tinyurl.com/2a3labw
all the seats at the sunday masses,
filled with the mass's massive asses,
classes pass as fast as molasses.
ceremonial reading glasses.
read a little bit of leviticus.
all the kids are a little too little for this.
all the parents nod in agreement -
"i think i can vaguely see what he meant."
it's too early in the morning glory
to read another allegory story,
the father, reads a little bit farther,
assuring the assured that they need not bother
"when god, in verse 45, said the slaves are okay to buy,
he meant that people, all from the start
each have slaves within their hearts.
things, that we have sold or boughten, that are forced to pick our moral cotton
god calls us to set these free, free our hearts from slavery...
and then as god goes on to explain the logistics of buying and selling slaves..."
in the back, i sit and i nod to the beats that are bumpin from my ipod
my god, they're starting to pray
and over the music i can hear them say
"dear god, dear lord, dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword.
dear good all-seeing being, my way or the highway yahweh.
the blue-balled anti-masturbator, the great, all-loving faggot hater,
i'd like to thank your holy might for making me both rich and white
and though this is your day of rest, i come to you with one request
there's so much pain beyond this steeple,
wars and drugs and homeless people.
sadness, where there should be joy, hate and rape and soulja boy.
a world in darkness needs your light, so i'm sure your schedule's pretty tight
but my dog just had leg surgery if you could fix that first...
debra messing's fingers in a holy place, "hail mary full of grace."
obama, could you pass some hope to the pope
i know a couple dude's who wanna elope
see the pope said, "nope" so the bros can't cope.
(the bros can grope but the bros can't cope)
they've been in love, they've been addicted
who said they shouldn't? benedict did.
cause in the holy land of the lord he's the holy landlord and dicks are evicted.
cause you can be a benedict if you've been a dick under benedict but
you can't have benedicts because there's only one pope and only one dick
what? a dick on a pope is
just like a soap on a rope cause it's
pointless, unless in prison, throw up your bibles, christ has risen.
hallelujah, now it's raining men,
because the gender ratio is 1 to 10.
winos at the eucharist station, trans-gendered-substantiation
jesus wasn't the messiah, get back i'm a heretic and i'm on fire
it was oedipus, and those holy nights
the holy motherfucking christ.
i'm a blasphemah post-katrina cruising the marina. on a crusade to cruise aids
and blast FEMA
you're too late, we're fucked we don't need ya.
lyrics by me.
produced by me and kool keith! whoa! (that's his voice in the song saying "hypocrite")
video by Duncan Skiles & Sean Donnelly
lyrics
i'm a feminine eminem, a slim shady lady
but nice cause i texted haiti
90 lady cops on the road and i'm arrested for doing 80.
like hamlet, all about "words, words, words"
divide a whole into thirds, thirds, thirds.
i'm a gay sea otter.
i blow other dudes out of the water.
i'm the man muffin, divin', muffin,
cold and fly like an arctic puffin,
puffin whacky tobaccy
hatin other rappers like i'm Helga Pataki
and i've been rockin this mic before electricity
way back in 1000 BCE - thats before the common era.
i can't be stopped, flow so sick that it should be mopped up
chick's got a dixie cup, i gotta dick full of helium, i'll fuck you up.
a boy, a girl, a middle aged bitch, botox in the third person.
i give the perspective a switch and bo talks in the third person.
just relax, if you wanna know me, here's two facts
i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.
hungry hungry hippocrite.
i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.
met a girl named Macy had sex with her all day,
but she was dyslexic, so i ended up doin the YMCA
we ballin, asian, wii bowlin, prostate cancer semi-colon,
find that hole like i'm Stephen Hawking,
Atticus Finch, killing, mocking.
cry like a child would, you raped my childhood
just stroll in, roll in your pole into Rolie Polie Olie's colon.
to relax my mind i take a walk by the clock and i pass the time and
rhymin, mathematic timin, syntax impacts the intact hymen.
i'm an internet provider, came from the web like a horny spider,
fucked a girl in an apple orchard, then came in cider (inside her)
i thought AIDS was a butt virus like conjunction junction conjunctivitis
i spit gold bars cause i was molested by my uncle midas
gay dads blow pops, another sucker,
oedipus was the first motherfucker.
chorus.
we the people of the USA
jose, we're not talkin to you, esse.
we got a border in order to keep you out,
it's what my NYU essay's about
cause we're, xenophobic warrior princess,
molested by my uncle sam, is that incest?
"I WANT YOU" to smell my finger
does my nephew's scent still linger?
south of queers, north of hell,
the queer ones suck and the brown one's smell
we guard the border and we guard it well
but some slip through the cracks of the liberty bell
did i say liberty? i meant taco, paco, hey you better let that rock go
cause in real life goliath wins
and then sells all the silk that the widow spins.
chorus
bitches and hoes, bo's hoes, oh, bitches and hoes, bitches, hoes.
bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know bo's a feminist,
bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know bo's a feminist
so take off your bras and burn em or you can let me burn em
take off your bras and burn em, or you can let bo burnham burn em.
tickets here: http://tinyurl.com/2a3labw 10/23/2010
Park West - Chicago, IL @ 7:00 PM
10/23/2010
Park West - Chicago, IL @ 9:30 PM
10/24/2010
Turner Hill Ballroom - Milwaukee, WI
10/28/2010
Barrymore Theatre - Madison, WI
10/29/2010
Englert Theatre - Iowa City, IA
10/30/2010
Royal Oak Music Hall - Royal Oak, MI
10/31/2010
Varsity Theatre - Minneapolis, MN
11/04/2010
The Knitting Factory - Boise, ID
11/05/2010
Aladdin Theatre - Portland, OR
11/07/2010
Showbox - Seattle, WA
11/11/2010
Regency Center - San Francisco, CA
11/13/2010
Music Box - Los Angeles, CA
11/14/2010
SOMA - San Diego, CA
11/17/2010
La Zona Rosa - Austin, TX
11/18/2010
Numbers Nightclub - Houston, TX
11/19/2010
Palladium Ballroom - Dallas, TX
11/20/2010
Tipitinas - New Orleans, LA
12/02/2010
Higher Ground Ballroom - Burlington, VT
12/03/2010
State Theatre - State College, PA
12/04/2010
Trocadero Theatre - Philadelphia, PA
12/05/2010
Capitol Theatre - Columbus, OH
what do you want to see on this channel??? leave a video response!COME SEE ME ON TOUR!!!!! (or dont)boburnham2009-08-11 | NEW TOUR FALL 2010 tickets here: http://tinyurl.com/2a3labw
CD/DVD available now in stores.
get it at Target for only $9.99 woo-hoo
or iTunes: http://tinyurl.com/dh4gr5 my comedy central special airs march 27th!
i love you like kings love queens
like a gay geneticist loves designer jeans (genes).
i need you like new orleans needs a drought
like hitler's father needed to learn to pull out
and i love you like a lawyer/mathematician wants some kind of proof
and i love you like JFK wanted a car with a roof.
cause love is taking a dive, then getting really comfortable and peeing in the pool
and love is real life porn minus all the stuff that makes porn cool
and love is a homeless guy searching for treasure in the middle of the rain and finding a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out that theyre all filled with chocolate and even though he's heartbroken he cant complain cause he was hungry in the first place.
i love you like dora loves maps like the popes toilet loves holy craps
i need you like a voyeur needs a branch
like boys tossing salad needs a little bit of neverland ranch
and i want you like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same never want to conform
and i want you like anne frank wanted
no one to read her fucking diary...cause a diary's a collection of secret things that no one is suppose to read thats the whole point of a diary. millions of people have breached this little girls privacy after she was chased by nazis kick her while she's down.
and if we met in 10000bc i was your caveman youz my cavelady
if we got hot we'd start rubbing
if we got hungry we'd go clubbing
theres wooly mammoths but i will protect us
you're making me devolve to a homo-erectus
and if we met in 1780
i was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner and you were my dark-skinned servant lady
slave...
whenever i could get away from the misses
i'll go to your shed and then i'll steal you kisses
but let's be serious i'd still work you full time as a slave
theres a difference between romantic language and a complete disregard for socio-economic trends.
and if we met in 1941
i was a nazi youz a gypsy on teh run.....thats a little redundant
that...probably wouldnt've worked out.
cause love is your favorite food for every breakfest, lunch and dinner
and love is the holocaust except you dont die quick adn you dont get thinner
and love is being the owner of the company that makes rape whistles and even though you started the company with good intentions trying to reduce the rate of rape, now you dont want to reduce them at all cause if the rape rate declines youll see an equal decline in whistle sales....
without rapists whos gonna buy your whistles
love is all about whistles...how to be a youtube star.boburnham2009-03-10 | my new CD, "words, words, words," is here: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/words-words-words-deluxe-edition/id396588798
CD IS IN STORES!
http://tinyurl.com/dh4gr5 it includes a DVD with my comedy central special! that airs march 27th!
it's titled "bo burnham" (go figure)
are there any steps that i missed? if you know them, make a video response!
you guys are awesome. i could've never done this without you. yes, even you guy-who-comments-"faggot"-on-all-my-videos.high school party.boburnham2008-12-02 | NEW TOUR FALL 2010 tickets here: http://tinyurl.com/2a3labw
this is a music video i made for my ep. its on itunes in HD. i meant to post this earlier. enjoy!
thank you to WAVERLYFILMS for making this
music and lyrics by bo burnham
High School party, senior year
Boys and girls are all sippin on beer
I like soda, wheres the soda
Am I the only fucking person here that likes soda
I see you from across the crowd
I said the party is bumpin and the music is loud
Youre really drunk and youre looking sad
Its like a date rape ad
Girl, then we start to dance and
Girl, baby this is romance
Girl, Im starting to grow down below, shit, why did I wear sweat pants
Girl, youre bodies like what
conjunction junction, thats a fine ass but
Im like a cashew in a lollipop, Just keeping suckin til you get to the nut
And I said
Lets rob an Asian kitchen, or stroll down the block
Either way girl, were taking a walk(wok)nothing?
Youre going to love me the way my uncle did
Except youre not gonna to go to court for doin it
Be a guillotine or my girl instead
Either way, youre giving me head
Im gonna love you the right way
Shorty with a body looking hotty when I say
Girl
When I say girl
We go into the bedroom exchanging nervous laughter
Whys it called dry humping if I always need a towel after
You spread your naked legs and I see that wounded that never healed
Even though youre yelling for me, I can tell your lips are sealed
Were both aware of my erection
You ask if I have protection
I say Well um no...I-I tried to buy em once I was in the convenient store my old baby sitter walked in I had to hide them near the tic-tacs I was so embarrassed I peed myself a little bit
Girl
Girl
Insert a euphemism
A sexy mental prism
Increase my pelvic rhythm
For you with my syllogism
I know your body and I know how to please ya
Dont thank me, thank wikipedia
Guys dont go down, well I am-
What the fuck is that, I should have brought my diagram
Ooh did you feel that, that was an educated guess
Ooh did you feel that, uh that one was a sneeze, my bad
this happened in san francisco and was hosted by the likes of william sledd and whatthebuck -- i.e. it was the opposite of a prop 8 victory party. thats all. :)
I used to walk through life, now I frolic.
Youtube has been like a father to me,
Except Youtube's not an alcholic.
Before Youtube I was just a skinny white kid,
that thought he was funnier, & cooler
than he actually was.
and now not much has changed,
but I have a shitload of money.
Because Youtube is a place for people to share their ideas.
If by people you mean
13-year-old girls,
and by ideas you mean
how they love the Jonas Brothers.
I'm just kidding
But let's be honest,
that's a hefty majority.
And if you don't believe me
You must be a noob
So, Welcome to Youtube!
You don't know what you're missing,
and just by searching,
"Women Kissing".
-It's Youtube!
This country's been needing a
generation of kids who
don't waste their time reading.
Am I the only one who thinks that
Lisa Nova's hot?
And Chris Crocker's not...
he's hotter.
Most of the best Youtubers
are either asian or their gay.
So if there's an untapped
youtube celebrity,
and his name is George Takei
and your favorite coat
has a doo-doo stain.
I pray to god that it's
chocolate rain
And I find videos of
babies laughing a bit intrusive.
Because Barack Obama won the election because of Youtube
Wait, did I say youtube?
I meant the black vote
And I think Youtube and Fred are
"So Cool!"
And What The Buck!
will be back in a jiffy lube
So, Welcome to Youtube!
Yeah...
So, Welcome to Youtube!
Hey...
Welcome to Youtube!
I said, listen and linger,
Charlie the Unicorn bit my finger!
It's youtube!
The impact is evident.
Miss Teen South Carolina just ran for Vice President!
Upload a video,
You have nothing to lose!
except all your friends...
& the approval of your parents...
"Hi, my Mary, and I'm 19 years-old
I got drunk at a party, and I think someone
was video-taping it, but I don't want
anyone to see it, cuz
I showed half of my boob!"
Sorry Mary!--
Welcome to Youtube!
Say Hello to Youtube!
Yeah...
Say goodbye to your College Scholarship.
And it will keep on going and it'll never stop!
Until it's privatized.im bo yo.boburnham2008-06-17 | NEW TOUR FALL 2010 tickets here: http://tinyurl.com/2a3labw
music and lyrics by bo burnham
Now I don't know if all boy scouts are gays
But they could probably "tie the knot" in like fifty different ways...
I got a safe full o' cherries, cause I pop it and lock it,
A girl's like a fridge, once a week you should stock (stalk) it,
And girl, if your into a rimmin its only safe if your swimming,
And girl don't sit on the couch cause I treat my objects like women.
I spit fire like I just blew a demon
My shits so hot I leave the toilet bowl steamin
Girl im gonna tear it (tarot), like the cards of the gypsies
Youll bleed for so long youll get monthly ellipses.
If the pants are loose, girl I'll replete (re-pleat) ya.
You're a first time vegan and its nice to meet (meat) ya
I'm bo yo
And im the greatest rappa eva
And I'll weather your weather whether you think im clever or not
Think your better your not
Don't need a sweater im hot
Im a real G shawty that can really find your g spot
Go to a
Vagina orchard, count 1,2,3
Spin that plant around you got a third world country (whirled c*nt tree)
That's right, consider yourself warned
Im offensive and creative like handicapped porn
Your playing with your breasts, excuse me, can I try it ma'am?
Your pushin em together like a titty Venn Diagram
Look at that CRACK scuse me can I buy a gram?
Right below your diaphram, ass looks like your hidin ham.
First base, were making out
Second base, im getting faked out.
Third base, im getting take out
And I'd try to take it home if I knew I'd take it out
But I just don't know I said I just don't care
My flos so cold I need a tampon from a polar bear
Cause you can smell and spell my stink
B.O. lingers and it makes you think
Chorus...
Girls are like donuts when I be bustin bo nuts,
I can make em cream-filled or give them a layer of glaze
Im like doug's friend Skeeter whenever I meet her.
Casue I skeet her so hard you could call her Patty Mayonnaise.
My girl is epyletic cause shes the one im jerkin with
Common you asian child laborer show me what your workin with...
Cause theres an inverse relationship between respect and sects
Im talking bout religious sects like a mormon sect
That says you cant have sex with members of different sects, but you cant have sex with members of the same sex
So if the sects cant be different, the sex can be same, then the only sex left is some left hand shame
And girl I left you cause u left the game and if that don't feel right then u can write my name
Chorus....
Look pass the skin and look to the lyrics
I run miracle circles around you like spherical lyrics
This isn't about ironic pigment
If youre imagining this then I'm a chronic figment.
My junks so long that it hangs and swings, so at the nude baech people think im lookin for lost rings
Play the skin flute while ur big boy sings and if you want to take it all wear African neck rings.
Haters call me gay, but that aint hatin
Cuase im not homophobic, my morals are straight and
If im in the closet then you are below me (blow me)
Takin the b-a-t out of basement, homeyNew Mathboburnham2008-06-03 | NEW TOUR FALL 2010 tickets here: http://tinyurl.com/2a3labw
three of them never before seen on the internet. the ep is called "Bo fo Sho"
music and lyrics by bo burnham
whats a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy,
and an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? an ironic way to die
and whats domain, domain, range (xxy) a kid with too much in his pants
and two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de france.
split a decision with long division,
take the circumference of your circumcision
live like your data and when you're all "set"
put it all together and whatever you get.
is new math...
whats a bag of chips divided by five, thats a nike worker's meal
and santa clause mutliplied by "i" well i guess that makes him real,
and the square root of the NBA is Africa in a box,
how do u trace a scatter plot? give the pencil to michael j fox.
take the approximate moral proportion of the probable problem of a pro-life abortion
live like your data, and when youre all "set"
put it all together and whatever you get...
is new math.
and if you made a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me youd have a tree...
full of asian porn.
C-A-L-C-U-LATOR (see you later) mathetmatical minds make industrial smog.
and whats the opposite of lnx, duraflame the unnatural log.
support the farmers with a pro-tractor,
link kennedy and lincoln with a common factor (fact, or)
live like ur data...blah blah
word problems
if theres a fat guy in a pastry shop with a twenty dollar bill and he's ready to buy,
in order to predict his volume change you need to know the value of pi (pie)
and theres a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her,
how long til it reaches adn kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor,
and if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his freetime and mealtime while on his knees
and if kim is half as old as bobby who is two years older then twelve year old tori,
for how many more 30 day months will their threesomes be considered statutory rape
cause havin sex is like quadratic expansion if it cant be split then its time to stop,
and havin sex is like doing fractions, its improper for the larger one to be on top,
and havin sex is like math homework, i do it best when i'm alone in my bed.
and squarin numbers are just like women, if theyre under thirteen just do them in your head....
walkin my poodles, man it never gets old
with my dogs on my leash i got bitches on the hold,
a first aids kit? thats a rhesus monkey,
i bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie!
get more ass than a giant donkey stable,
got more lines than whitney houston's coffee table,
i get more head than grammar school lice,
i'm like a walkin glacier i'm so decked out with ice.
Did you poop a virgin? cause that shit is tight.
jack ain't black, barry ain't white.
i do drugs in the bedroom, lie on ur back
cause i got the pipe and you got the crack.
though i'm sexually straight, your bound to find,
i'm mentally gay, cause i'll blow your mind.
the parents be snickerin "he shouldnt have written it"
but i'm constipated, couldnt give a shit.
chorus:
My name is bo fo sho,
a born bostonian,
aryan librarian at the WORDsmithsonian
the rap is scattered, it hides its ingenuity,
i gave it this little part to give it continuity.
the fellas say
hey moron pass the gin
cause i'm an OXYmoron breathing OXYgen
give me the bottle, i'll chug two thirds
cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words
and the ladies say
hey fellas i'm keepin it tight and if you play ur cards right you can have me tonight
should i blow you or beat you, brass or percussion?
oh stop, PERIOD end of discussion
chorus...
walking through the garden with food at my feet, picked up the celery but dropped the beat (beet).
we're in the hood ill take what you give me
was einstein's theory good...relatively
a smart queen's kingdumb, it doesnt mix
a litter of literates, a bunch of moby dicks
"get thee to a punnery" o-just to-pheelia
take you with a condomn "stainless-steal" ya.
half a pound of turkey breast, half a pound of chicken tits,
why are only crackers staying at the Ritz?
poverty, racism, isn't it strange,
that only the homeless are beggin for change?
i shocked Sherlock
What, son? (watson) (watt, son?)
Rosa Parks didnt call "shotgun"!
here's a bit of irony
a Ford Focus driver has ADD
How'd i come to master all these things?
like a tampon theif, i had to pull some strings.A PSA from Bo Burnhamboburnham2007-09-14 | NEW TOUR FALL 2010 tickets here: http://tinyurl.com/2a3labw
http://goto.thesyn.com/boburnham a VERY old video
i made this probably three years ago.
since i havent posted anything in a while i thought i'd post this old video.
i will be posting new things soon.
this is sort of an "office"/guest movie inspired thing.
hey I'm Santa Claus,
I'm the king of snow
I hate my wife because
she is ho ho ho
She used to please me everyday
Then she made it clear
that Santa's only s'pose to come once year
Now i buy whores
Rock n roll
and i stuff their stockings
with my north pole
I had a wonderful life
With a healthy household
and a beautiful wife
and a pot full of gold
then my wife spent my riches all by herself
and since women are bitches, blew a keebler elf
now i drink all day
and a part of me dies
cause my wife's gettin gangbanged
by the rice krispie guys
Everyday i get up, and i get to work late,
my boss says "hey whatsup?"
i say im grrrrrrowing tired of this shit
the kids they laugh cause im a sensitive cat
"big pussy!" i cant argue with that
if another kid gives me frosted flakes
i swear on my life, ill eat his parents.
im the easter bunny hey im back
used to funny now im hooked on crack
heaps of heroine aint no joke
marshmallow peeps, covered in coke coke coke coke
coooooke
drugs for life thats my plan
but now i have no attention sp.....
hey pat did you hear? all my elves got sick
i think they got herpes from some irish chick
you filled the hole that pierced my soul, i promised that i'd find
someone willing to take a run, round pleasures of my mind
am i perv? cause every nerv is cravin for your touch
you make me laugh youre my better half, though you weigh twice as much
350 pounds of love
you mustve fell from up above
and killed the townspeople below
you had a crush and you let it show
when i want to pleasure you i need an expedition crew
with all those trips to KFC, you eat out more than me.
we look just like the number 10
when you stand next to me
is it your stare that pulls me in?
or just gravity
you mix mayonnaise with your scotch
youre the perfect spouse
last week we went on a whale watch
The boat drove to your house.
350 pounds of pain
when you exhale al gore goes insane
whenever we make out
i taste jam and sauerkraut
we went on a sailing trip you fell and floated beside the ship
then a boat docked on your pants
and said "i claim this island in the name of france."
then you did what i feared you dissapeared
saying this was something new
lyposuction, breast reduction
and what came home wasnt you
no no no no it wasnt you it was
120 pounds of hate,
and you said, "i look great."
and when the nurse removed the fat, they found the neighbors cat
i just paused and said to her
i loved you just the way you were
then she smiled and for my sake
said, "pass the cake!"3.14 Apple Piboburnham2007-03-10 | NEW TOUR FALL 2010 tickets here: http://tinyurl.com/2a3labw
the opening joke is based off of a jim gaffigan joke (i apologize i meant to acredit him) thank you for you criticism. once again i apologize, EVERYTHING else is original
lyrics below
"beat" and lyrics by bo burnham
Yo i dont got bros, dont hang on the streets
i dont beat my hos, i only beat my meat.
Dont womanize cause you no its true
that when you look in thier eyes you see thier people too
Mother effin suffrage!
You know im a gangsta, you know i do coke,
but i had to go to diet, cause it burnt my throat.
Ive been doin drive-bys all of my life,
cept the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.
3.14 apple pi,
i whip, clean it off, and stick it in her eye.
and by "it" i mean contact lense
3.14 apple pi,
I got rhymes and flows that make hitler cry.
George bush wont he jsut yell and rant
but hes a presiDONT who ameriCANT
I spit gangsta hymns, cause i'm a gangsta straight,
I think of 20 inch rims when i masterbate.
We're gonna be late, theres no time to waste,
cause the girls that i date, have a particular taste.
the taste of my weiner! (snap)
3.14 apple pi why was i born white no one quite knows why,
Gansgsta sell their rocks, ive got a collection
You couldnt get a rise out of a yeast infection.
I'm a lyrical heretic, but i'll make you laugh
hit with you rhetoric, then i'll cut you in half.
dont need to be a clown, i dont need to be nice,
How bout you sit down, and i serve you slice...
of my 3.14 apple pi my voice is so smokey itll make you high...
Heres a confession its all about me,
Heres my impression of a broken jet ski.
Here come the puns.
All yo little thugs wanna mess me with me?
know that ive been doin drugs since the age of 3.
I took my ceral, stabbed it open with a knife.
Snorted that shit and i got high on Life.
A guy asked me for change, saying my mind was too dense.
I said you wont make cents if you dont make sense.
big finale...
you know i flow and show it, you know that bo know it,
Youre lawn i'll mow it and grow it cause he's a sho' poet.
Yo my rims be spinning i winning, like adam i be sinning.
Potato skinnnin and knittin and separate those linens.
And in my eyes you see flies, and though you people tries
Just to disguise all your lies, but baby i be wise.
you know i did it and shit it you brothers couldnt hit it,
Then you try to ride it, too late! i already spit it.
She got me with her looks, she got me with her stare,
Bright blue eyes and her long blonde hair,
From the start it was easy to see,
This was the girl for me.
who cares if she was 83.
She could make me silent, make me shout.
And she drove me wild with those dentures out.
When we ate people said we were rude,
cause i had to pre-chew her food.
Her skin was saggy from her feet to her face,
I put my hand up her skirt...second base!
We made love adn the more i thrust,
the more the room was covered in dust.
Then one day i felt i chill
as i woke up from our bed
she was lying there real still,
my little lady was already dead.
the wake happened on a saturday night,
I just sat there and bowed my head.
A little girl was one my right,
Crying because her grandma was dead.
and that little girl she...
Got me with her looks got me with her tears,
Feminine beauty beyond her years,
From the start it was easy to see.
That was the girl me.
...thinks i'm gay
YO this is NOT homophobic...its suppose to be a joke? ha ha?
subscribe if you like it
music and lyrics by bo burnham
Everytime i go to dinner
it seems like im getting a little bit thinner
I'll sit down at the breakfast table
i can talk, but theyre not able
When i look at them i find
there's a single question on their mind.
i wish it could go back to the way it was
its not easy no because...
My whole family thinks im gay
i guess its always been that way.
Maybe its cause of the way i walk,
that makes them think that i like...boys
The goddamn question just wont go away
cause i get asked every single day
but the way they ask it is no disguise,
like "How was your day? Do you like to kiss guys?"
This is the worst, baby this was my fear
Now their opinions are crystal clear.
My whole family now is shocked,
I'm in the closet and the door is locked.
Now my glory days are gone,
I was John Elway now im Elton John.
My whole family now suspects,
That watching spongebob had side-effects.
But im not gay and thats what i said,
If i'm gay then god strike me dead.
Just cause i go to an all-guys school,
Doesnt mean Justin Timberlake makes me drool.
When I go outside, what do i see?
The clouds in the sky spell "F-A-G"
I think that God might think im gay,
What does he know anyway.
My grandma gave me a present just last year,
and the card said, "Happy Birthday queer!"
My whole family thinks im "fab"
There's a guys butt, hey bo, take a stab!
Why doesn't he get women, theres no other way,
Its cause I'm lanky, not cause i'm gay.
Just cause I'm afraid of the snow,
Or my favorite color is, the rainbow.
I dont mean to yell but i fear i must,
Cause I'm losing the people that i thought i could trust.
Even my boyfriend thinks im gay...just kidding
You all probably think I'm gay,
Man this song is counterproductive...
la la la la la...
Cause my whole family thinks I'm gay,
What am i suppose to say?
Baby you gotta see right through the haze,
Easy-Bake oven was just a phase.
My whole family thinks i'm queer,
That is all i ever hear,
But ive been as straight as a ramp,
If you dont count Bible camp.