Lobachevsky - Tom Lehrer. Arr. (plagiarised by) Angus Paterson @anguspaterson6270

Angus Paterson Who made me the genius I am today,
The mathematician that others all quote?
Who's the professor that made me that way,
The greatest that ever got chalk on his coat?
One man deserves the credit,
One man deserves the blame,
and Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name. Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobache...
I am never forget the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky.
In one word he teach me the secret of success in mathematics: Plagiarize!
Plagiarize,
Let no one else's work evade your eyes,
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
So don't shade your eyes,
But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize...
Only be sure always to call it please, "research".
And ever since I meet this man my life is not the same,
And Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name. Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobache...
I am never forget the day I am given first original paper to write. It
was on Analytic and Algebraic Topology of Locally Euclidean Metrization
of Infinitely Differentiable Riemannian Manifold.
Bozhe moi!
This I know from nothing.
But I think of great Lobachevsky and I get idea - haha!
I have a friend in Minsk,
Who has a friend in Pinsk,
Whose friend in Omsk
Has friend in Tomsk
With friend in Akmolinsk.
His friend in Alexandrovsk
Has friend in Petropavlovsk,
Whose friend somehow
Is solving now
The problem in Dnepropetrovsk.
And when his work is done -
Haha! - begins the fun.
From Dnepropetrovsk
To Petropavlovsk,
By way of Iliysk,
And Novorossiysk,
To Alexandrovsk to Akmolinsk
To Tomsk to Omsk
To Pinsk to Minsk
To me the news will run,
Yes, to me the news will run!
And then I write
By morning, night,
And afternoon,
And pretty soon
My name in Dnepropetrovsk is cursed,
When he finds out I published first!
And who made me a big success
And brought me wealth and fame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name. Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobache...
I am never forget the day my first book is published.
Every chapter I stole from somewhere else.
Index I copy from old Vladivostok telephone directory.
This book, this book was sensational!
Pravda - ah, Pravda - Pravda said:
"Жил был король когда-то, При нем блоха жила" ("It stinks").
But Izvestia! Izvestia said:
"Я иду куда сам царь идет пешком, " ("It stinks").
Metro-Goldwyn-Moskva buys the movie rights for six million rubles,
Changing title to 'The Eternal Triangle',
With Meryl Streep playing part of hypotenuse.
And who deserves the credit?
And who deserves the blame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!

updated 3 years ago

Lobachevsky - Tom Lehrer. Arr. (plagiarised by) Angus Paterson

Angus Paterson 2021-10-04 | Who made me the genius I am today,
The mathematician that others all quote?
Who's the professor that made me that way,
The greatest that ever got chalk on his coat?
One man deserves the credit,
One man deserves the blame,
and Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name. Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobache...
I am never forget the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky.
In one word he teach me the secret of success in mathematics: Plagiarize!
Plagiarize,
Let no one else's work evade your eyes,
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
So don't shade your eyes,
But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize...
Only be sure always to call it please, "research".
And ever since I meet this man my life is not the same,
And Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name. Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobache...
I am never forget the day I am given first original paper to write. It
was on Analytic and Algebraic Topology of Locally Euclidean Metrization
of Infinitely Differentiable Riemannian Manifold.
Bozhe moi!
This I know from nothing.
But I think of great Lobachevsky and I get idea - haha!
I have a friend in Minsk,
Who has a friend in Pinsk,
Whose friend in Omsk
Has friend in Tomsk
With friend in Akmolinsk.
His friend in Alexandrovsk
Has friend in Petropavlovsk,
Whose friend somehow
Is solving now
The problem in Dnepropetrovsk.
And when his work is done -
Haha! - begins the fun.
From Dnepropetrovsk
To Petropavlovsk,
By way of Iliysk,
And Novorossiysk,
To Alexandrovsk to Akmolinsk
To Tomsk to Omsk
To Pinsk to Minsk
To me the news will run,
Yes, to me the news will run!
And then I write
By morning, night,
And afternoon,
And pretty soon
My name in Dnepropetrovsk is cursed,
When he finds out I published first!
And who made me a big success
And brought me wealth and fame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name. Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobache...
I am never forget the day my first book is published.
Every chapter I stole from somewhere else.
Index I copy from old Vladivostok telephone directory.
This book, this book was sensational!
Pravda - ah, Pravda - Pravda said:
"Жил был король когда-то, При нем блоха жила" ("It stinks").
But Izvestia! Izvestia said:
"Я иду куда сам царь идет пешком, " ("It stinks").
Metro-Goldwyn-Moskva buys the movie rights for six million rubles,
Changing title to 'The Eternal Triangle',
With Meryl Streep playing part of hypotenuse.
And who deserves the credit?
And who deserves the blame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!

Not-So-Big, Bad Vlad

Angus Paterson 2022-04-01 | 0:00 - Intro
1:12- Not-So-Big, Bad Vlad

Here's another original. Time was of the essence for this one so please excuse the fumble at the end; 50 takes later, this was the best I could do! 😅 I recommend turning on the subtitles - this one is quite fast. Please like and subscribe if you enjoyed it!

When You Are Old and Grey - Tom Lehrer

Angus Paterson 2021-11-01 | 0:00 - Introduction
0:24 - You've Become Old and Grey

Since I still appreciate you,
Let's find love while we may.
Because I know I'll hate you
When you are old and grey.
So say you love me here and now,
I'll make the most of that.
Say you love and trust me,
For I know you'll disgust me
When *we're* old and getting fat.
An awful debility,
A lessened utility,
A loss of mobility
Is a strong possibility.
In all probability
I'll lose my virility
And you your fertility
And desirability,
And this liability
Of total sterility
Will lead to hostility
And a sense of futility,
So let's act with agility
While we still have facility,
For we'll soon reach senility
And lose the ability.
Your teeth will start to go, dear,
Your waist will start to spread.
In twenty years or so, dear,
I'll wish that you were dead [*... oh boy!]
I'll never love you then at all
The way I do today.
So please remember,
When I leave in December,
I told you so in May.

Impromptu No. 5 in B minor, op. 5 - Jean Sibelius

Angus Paterson 2021-10-29 | 0:00 - Introduction
2:00 - Impromptu

For once it isn't Tom Lehrer, but I hope you enjoy it regardless. I wish I could have used a real piano but ah well!

Pollution - Tom Lehrer

Angus Paterson 2021-10-25 | 0:00 - Introduction
1:02 - Pollution

Lyrics with some minor *edits*

If you visit *South African* city,
You will find it very pretty.
Just two things of which you must beware:
Don't drink the water and don't breathe the air!

Pollution, pollution!
They got smog and sewage and mud.
Turn on your tap
And get hot and cold running crud!

See the halibuts and the sturgeons
Being wiped out by detergeons.
Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly,
But they don't last long if they try.

Pollution, pollution!
You can use the latest toothpaste,
And then rinse your mouth
With industrial waste.

Just go out for a breath of air
And you'll be ready for Medicare.
The city streets are really quite a thrill -
If the *gangs* don't get you, the monoxide will.

Pollution, pollution!
Wear a gas mask and a veil.
Then you can breathe,
Long as you don't inhale!

Lots of things there that you can drink,
But stay away from the kitchen sink!
Throw out your garbage, and I've got a
hunch...
That the folks downstream will drink it for lunch.

So go to the city,
See the crazy people there.
Like lambs to the slaughter,
They're drinking the water
And breathing [cough, splutter, choke] the air!

So Long, Mom! (A Song for WWIII) - Tom Lehrer

Angus Paterson 2021-10-18 | 0:00 - Intro
0:52 - So Long, Mom

Lyrics (*with an editorial change*):

So long, mom,
I'm off to drop the bomb,
So don't wait up for me.
But while you swelter
Down there in your shelter
You can see me
On your TV.

While we're attacking frontally
*Newsreaders talking blunt-ally*
Describing contrapuntally
The cities we have lost.
No need for you to miss a minute of the agonizing holocaust.

Little Johnny Jones, he was a US pilot,
And no shrinking violet was he.
He was mighty proud when World War III was declared.
He wasn't scared, no siree!

And this is what he said on
His way to Armageddon:

So long, mom,
I'm off to drop the bomb,
So don't wait up for me.
But though I may roam,
I'll come back to my home
Although it may be
A pile of debris.

Remember, mommy,
I'm off to get a commie,
So send me a salami
And try to smile somehow.
I'll look for you when the war is over,
An hour and a half from now!

National Brotherhood Week

Angus Paterson 2021-10-11 | Apologies for the ridiculously lengthy intro... here's a timestamp in case you want to skip:

0:00 - Intro

2:44 - National Brotherhood Week begins at last.

* = lyrics I've changed

Oh, the white folks hate the black folks,
And the black folks hate the white folks.
To hate all but the right folks
Is an old established rule.

But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week,
*AOC and Michael Pence* are dancing cheek to cheek.
It's fun to eulogize
The people you despise,
*As long as you Instagram it, then it's cool!*

Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks,
And the rich folks hate the poor folks.
All of my folks hate all of your folks,
It's American as apple pie.

But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week,
*Politicians like Antifa* 'cause it's very chic.
Step up and shake the hand
Of someone you can't stand.
You can tolerate him if you try.

Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics,
And the Catholics hate the Protestants,
And the Hindus hate the Muslims,
And everybody hates the Jews.

But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week,
It's National Everyone-smile-at-one-another-hood Week.
Be nice to people who
Are inferior to you.
It's only for a week, so have no fear.
Be grateful that it doesn't last all year!

Back, with apologies and Tom Lehrers My Home Town

Angus Paterson 2021-09-27 | I really have a yen
To go back once again
Back to the place where no one wears a frown
To see once more those super-special just plain folks
In my home town
No fellow could ignore
The little girl next door
She sure looked sweet in her first evening gown
Now there's a charge for what she used to give for free
In my home town
I remember Dan
The druggist on the corner,
He was never mean or ornery
He was swell
He killed his mother-in-law and ground her up real well
And sprinkled just a bit
Over each banana split
The guy that taught us math
Who never took a bath
Acquired a certain measure of renown
And after school he sold the most amazing pictures
In my home town
That fellow was no fool
Who taught our Sunday School
And neither was our kindly Parson Brown
We're recording tonight so I have to leave this line out
In my home town
I remember Sam
He was the village idiot
And though it seems a pity, it was so
He loved to burn down houses just to watch the glow
And nothing could be done
Because he was the mayor's son
The guy that took a knife
And monogrammed his wife
Then dropped her in the pond and watched her drown
Oh, yes indeed, the people there are just plain folks
In my home town

Die-a-tribe

Angus Paterson 2021-01-30 | An unoriginal original attempt at songwriting. All credit (and apologies) to J.S. Bach, both of his wives and their 20 children, Alexander Vasilyevich Alexandrov and the entire population of Russia, The Beatles and the girl with kaleidoscope eyes, W.A. Mozart (I'm not sure I even used any but probably), Billie Eilish and Finneas O'Connell (please don't sue me, I have no money) and lastly - the greatest of them all- Mr Tom Lehrer. Dear viewers, despite the strong language, no offence is intended - however, it is your right to take it, so feel free - should you so desire!

Lyrics (largely) by me:

When I looked about the playground and saw cliques begin to form,
I could never have guessed that, in a matter of years, they'd take a binary form.
From nought to one - from left to right - they all took to their heroes...
and left me in the middle, far left of one, but quite right of zero.

You see these noughts and ones, they're giving me bad vibes.
They seem, almost uncannily, like tribes.
Now, is it just me, but are tribes needed?
I mean... it has been said. Need I repeat it?
History will come back around if you don't heed it!

But then, at last, it all came clear to me.
I met this fellow at a flat party.
His confidence - his zealotry! His worldly wisdom just enveloped me!
He had a vision he knew, with certainty, would be the answer to the woes of all humanity!
I asked him how he knew this... citations came in three: he'd read some Marx, some Sartre, the rest came from LSD!!!

Well, I knew I'd found my tribe from that day forth.
After all, learning history? What's it worth?
Thanks to this enlightened twenty-one-year-old,
I could forget the stuff that I'd been told
about "genocide" or "gulags," what are those?! (I have no idea but, apparently, they come in archipelagos...)

Thanks to this student, freshly fashioned -
yet with the fire of strife impassioned -
I now know that I had been wandering blind.
My objectivity left me behind!
No, to see the wood from tree, I'd need one ideology - out of all the other... million and three!
An answer to all questions: legal, moral... scientific!
No need to look elsewhere! Ain't that terrific?!
I am zesty now pesky details are eschewed from my world vision...
Fuck the Pope - I'm going woke! We've found our true religion!

BUT WAIT! What do we do with apostates?
We can't just string them up outside the city gates. (Just yet...)
I've got it, yes! We shame them -
drag them up online and name them!
Find the wrongthink, find those guilty of the dreaded "isms"
and pay no close attention to the intersectional schisms...

With brute force intimidation we will usher in Utopia,
and all will grab a handful from the socialist cornucopia!
We're unquestionably moral so this time will be all swell!
So ignore the body counts and say, "Fuck you!" to ol' George Orwell.

At ease my friends - no stress! I'm not off on a right-wing rant.
These days, anything right of Stalin seems to have a fascist slant!
But see, that right there, presents what seems an obvious threat to me;
it pays to remember just how damn EXTREME the left can be.

All I'm saying is that this left unchecked,
has forgotten that there's history to forget.

To further ease your minds, let me say this:
You far-right pricks (yes you), off you piss!
I have way less patience for you racist, backward shite,
than I do for spoilt people harping on about their rights.
They at least THINK that they're trying to progress.
You think going backwards is the answer to this mess....

All you rational folk, I appeal to your fair minds.
To support a cause, must we be blind
to its errors and its excess, to its unintended harms?
Do its totalitarian tendencies trigger no alarms?!

If you've followed me this far, I've one more point. (I promise it's the last one.)
And perhaps it seems I've smoked one too many joints...
but, to me, there is no need to view life so black and white.
The shades of grey are sexy, and they often bring to light
why the game of us vs them will always fail!
A poison chalice... bar the details... looks just like the Holy Grail.

Yet More Lehrer in Yet Another Lockdown - We Will All Go Together When We Go

Angus Paterson 2020-12-31 | ...

Lehrer in Lockdown - I Got It from Agnes

Angus Paterson 2020-04-09 | ...

Lehrer in Lockdown - Smut/The Elements