Esther Perel
We Both Cheated: Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel:
updated
Some of you have been with me since the very beginning, patiently awaiting the return of a new season. And others are just discovering my podcast for the first time, so allow me to introduce you to Where Should We Begin?
Seven years ago, I started this project to break down the four walls of my therapy office and invite you to listen into the intimate, raw, anonymous, and unedited conversation of other couples. So often we have no idea what is happening in other relationships, causing us to feel very alone in our experiences behind closed doors.
Where Should We Begin? helps us understand how universal our issues and experiences can be. Exposing the inner workings of other relationships helps us see ourselves, providing tools and strategies, helping us connect to one another.
I hope you join us weekly as we bring you new episodes each Monday in collaboration with our new partners at @Vox Media. And in collaboration with Apple Podcasts, we are thrilled to offer exclusive bonus content through Apple subscriptions for the very first time.
So, I invite you to spread the word! As you know, it takes a village, and you all are part of mine. Please share, comment, and tag your friends. Send your favorite episodes to loved ones or those you believe could benefit from listening.
Follow the link below to listen—I am so happy to be back and can’t wait to hear what you think.
link.chtbl.com/WSWByt
So, let's talk about it.
Three years ago, I invited writer and lecturer, Andrew Solomon to my Sessions community to have a conversation about depression.Watch part of our conversation as Andrew defines depression and we explore the complexities and challenges surrounding it as well as treatment and critical actions for parents and friends of someone who is depressed. For the full conversation, I invite you to join my Sessions community at sessions.estherperel.com
#mentalhealthawarenessmonth
This is a question that comes up in all new adult friendships. And it’s a topic that has fascinated me my entire adult life. When I moved from my tight-knit Belgium community to Israel for university, I was perplexed by how one makes friends without having grown up with each other—without knowing each others’ parents and seeing inside each others’ homes. When I moved to America, the question evolved: how do you make friends with people who know nothing about where you come from?
In this month's workshop, we'll explore the anxiety around making new friends and the mental health impact of turning toward people, rather than away.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on the question that comes up in all new adult friendships.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
Control, for many, means choosing one or the other: security or freedom. The fact is we need both. Because we desire the security of belonging—whether to a person, a job, or a community—and the freedom to explore other options, we often find ourselves acting out of our internal contradictions.
What I’ve observed is this: people want partnership and a deep lasting love, but they also want relationships that should also be revocable at any time. So, let me ask you: at this very moment, do you crave a foundation or wings?
For more on this topic, read my newsletter linked below:
bit.ly/3m81MTQ
Dishes left piling up in the sink. Too much time spent scrolling social media when we long for quality time. That tone of voice that makes us feel stupid. The personal jabs that leave us feeling raw. It’s the triggers we pull and can’t take back when we push each other to our most vulnerable soft spots.
Often, our hyper-focus on the content of our arguments leaves us spiraling into escalation, our heart rates and limbic system hijacked until we’re completely depleted and polarized seemingly beyond repair. These ugly crescendos leave us tending to our wounds alone, which is especially hard when we also count on our relationships to help us heal.
What would happen if we took a pause, took a breath, and attempted to work together to identify what’s really going on?
Often, it comes down to three possibilities. Visit the link below as we explore the 3 types of relationship fights you keep having and what to do about them.
bit.ly/3f4FQFs
One day in February isn’t going to change anything, but it can be a start if you let it. Valentine’s Day doesn’t just have to be a once a year holiday to prove your love. It can serve as a big red reminder that, as Terry Real says, “relationships are our biospheres.” And ecosystems need to be nurtured.
Have you been unkind? Unfair? Downright mean? Holding onto a grudge? What do you need to do for the health of this ecosystem? What’s something surprisingly thoughtful you could do?
In this workshop, we’re taking taking a look at what you can do to boost the health of your relationship ecosystem this month.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on using the month of love as a step in nurturing your relationship.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
If you’re looking for a more practical new year’s resolution this year, focus on finding a balance between structure and spontaneity. You don’t have to throw everything old away. You don’t have to focus entirely on the new. The uncertainty of the year ahead doesn’t have to unravel you. Trying to constantly control the unknown won’t make it better.
In this workshop, we’ll explore the importance of striking a balance between structures that ground and motivate us and guilt-free spontaneity which allows us to take risks, explore, and yes, occasionally overindulge in life’s pleasures.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on finding balance in the new year.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
We are holding our employers and office environments to higher standards of relational and emotional intelligence, while also evaluating our romantic partners in terms of measurable value, ROI, and cost benefit analysis.
As worlds collide, I'm curious: how is this working out for you? What are your perceived pros and cons of this new paradigm?
To explore more topics like this, subscribe to my blog at estherperel.com/blog.
Hope is the prayer that things will change, that our loved ones will be healthy, that this year will be better than the last, that we will finally be happy. It’s a balm for those of us who regularly experience anxiety. The only problem with hope, as I see it, is that it can be flimsy: What if what I wish for doesn’t come true?
It’s been a tough few years. I know I’m not the only one questioning what good hope is when there are rotating tragedies in the daily headlines. For these reasons, I’ve been studying hope in the context of broader challenges as well as hope's overall connection to our mental wellbeing.
In this workshop, we’ll explore how to hang on to hope in the midst of anxiety and cultivate a ritual of faith and trust.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on Hope.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
To go deeper on this topic, visit the blog on this topic at bit.ly/3pYkR9j and sign up for my newsletter to explore a new theme with me each month.
If you listen closely to a screaming couple, you will hear feelings around respect, recognition, control, trust, care, and power. Too often, clashing couples focus only on the surface. That can leave us feeling that, not only are we living in a world that’s gone mad, we’re living with a person we no longer recognize.
In this workshop, we’ll explore how to get beyond the content of the argument, to improve our overall communication.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on clashing with your partner around values.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
Masculinity is often presented as an imperative, a badge to be continuously earned through actions, rituals, and ongoing duties. As the definition and associated expectations of masculinity have changed dramatically in the last several decades, we are left in a nebulous state when ascertaining exactly what masculinity means in modern society.
We typically think of the masculine identity as a position of power, but is that the lived experience? In my office, I am often presented with men who feel powerless or those who feel lost in how to present masculinity in a safe, respectful way. Understanding both the intrinsic privilege and the vulnerability of the masculine experience gives us a more balanced viewpoint.
Let’s have a conversation - what is your perception of modern masculinity? Whether you are living that experience as a predominant identity, or observing from another vantage point.
“When was the last time you felt free?”— one of my favorite questions to ask my clients, friends, and family. It inspires an incredible range of answers and a variety of interpretations. It’s because that word—"Freedom"—means so many different things to different people.
So many of the answers I’ve heard about freedom have had to do with daring, going beyond a threshold, but there’s always a secondary experience of safety.
In this workshop, we’ll explore how we can find small moments of freedom in the face of the things that shake our sense of safety and security. We’ll come together to share how we experience the feeling of freedom and inspire each other to take care of ourselves.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on the feeling of freedom.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
In a society that mandates happiness, the suffering doesn't disappear, but you need to find a new legitimacy. This is how notions of trauma, burnout, and many others became so widespread in the vernacular. If you put it in the framework of trauma, it becomes legitimized. Yes, trauma certainly exists — we can all agree on that, but the term itself has evolved to umbrella all the circumstances and events that have caused unhappiness. Whereas, in truth, unhappiness is simply part of life. One of many states of being in a wide spectrum.
So, what do I propose? Happiness is an outcome — it’s a moment in which we get to experience joy, bliss, contentment — and that’s a beautiful part of life. But a goal for an everlasting or continuous state of happiness? We’re setting ourselves up for disappointment by discounting the range of the human experience.
For the exploration of more topics like these, visit my blog at estherperel.com/blog
I find myself eager to attend the celebrations that break the mold.
In this workshop, we’ll explore the wedding traditions we love most as well as the traditions we can afford to leave behind—the ones that seem outdated, lack inclusivity, or have become increasingly unrealistic. Use this as a starting point to dream up new rituals that elevate the celebration and are better suited for your unique self, relationship, and communities.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on Making and Breaking Wedding Traditions.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
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Relational Ambivalence—those contradictory thoughts and feelings of love and hate, attraction and disgust, excitement and fear—makes us constantly wonder: should I stay or should I go? The resulting whiplash is exhausting, not only for the people in the relationship but the people around it.
In this month’s workshop, we’re exploring Relational Ambivalence and the practice and patience it takes to better understand when it’s time to get off the ride and what it means when we want to hold on.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on Relational Ambivalence.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
In this workshop, we’ll explore the dynamics behind inviting vulnerability into your relationships to improve intimacy. If we want our partner to be vulnerable with us, we have to accept that true vulnerability is not a mandate. It’s a possible outcome that grows out of closeness and trust. And there is more than one way to develop that.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on Inviting Vulnerability.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
The pages convey where we’ve been, who we’ve loved, lessons learned, and a village of characters that have nurtured and supported us. It’s a story that reminds us we don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to be in relationships. We’ve been in them all our life.
Valentine's Day is not only for couples. This month, let’s come together to celebrate the many forms of modern love.
Gather your partner, partners, close friends, or a beloved family member and join Esther Perel on Monday, February 14 at 5:30pm US Eastern Time for a lively virtual happy hour of poetry, music, intimate conversation, and Q&A.
Valentine Template: bit.ly/ep_valentines_letter
Roses Are Red Drink Recipe: bit.ly/esther_cocktail_1
Violets Are Blue Drink Recipe: bit.ly/esther_cocktail_2
Sign-up to receive event reminders and related resources: bit.ly/valentines-with-esther
The tricky part of dating, particularly in the early weeks and months, is that we don’t have any way of knowing definitively which way the relationship is going to go. It’s an age old pattern of exhilaration and agony.
In this workshop, we’ll discuss navigating the ambiguity of new relationships and the importance of cultivating an openness to possibility.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on New Relationships.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
On this particular day, I wanted to understand how long this couple had been stuck in a cycle of hearing each other without listening. But with the speed at which their cycle of blame, attack, counter-attack, and dismissive eye rolls unfolded, I began to experience dysregulation myself. And I snapped. I did exactly what they were doing to each other—I heard their words but I wasn’t listening.
In this workshop, we’ll unpack the difference between listening and hearing—a critical distinction in developing a foundation of effective communication in your relationships. And, yes, even therapists need this reminder too.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on Listening.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
Adaptability is your ability to bend and come back to center over and over again, increasing your flexibility each time, whether you're in your daily stretch or the fight for your life. And the more you practice becoming adaptable, the more you can tolerate change and harness its power.
In this workshop, we’ll begin to explore your own relationship with flexibility and rigidity and how to strike a healthy balance.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on The Great Adaptation.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
Learn more about Esther's multidisciplinary training event Sessions Live 2021: The Great Adaptation and register today: bit.ly/2XhfbNb
In this workshop, we’ll discuss where we find hope in times of despair and grief.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on Eroticism In Hard Times.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
Learn more about Esther's multidisciplinary training event Sessions Live 2021: The Great Adaptation and register today: bit.ly/2XhfbNb
This month, we will be skipping our virtual workshop to rest and prepare for the month to come as we plan to focus on healing and recovery in the fall. I look forward to seeing you all in September, and invite you to follow my blog and social channels as we explore First Dates and Dating Advice through the rest of this month.
estherperel.com/blog/dating-advice-for-turning-a-spark-into-a-flame
While we’re not in control of how life unfolds, we do have agency over how we structure and interpret it. Creating new stories can liberate us from defeating narratives, predetermined thinking, and forgone conclusions. It’s not about letting go of what has lead us to this moment, it’s about writing new chapters for change.
In this workshop we’ll take inventory of the stories that have served our past leading us to this moment and how to make room for new narratives that suit our future. What new stories are you ready to live?
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on Storytelling.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
In this workshop, we’ll discuss how to engage in the dance of finding small commonalities as we begin to connect with old friends, acquaintances, and strangers.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on Small Talk.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
In this workshop, we’ll explore the relationship between risk and trust and how you can practice taking risks right now through small social interventions.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on Risk.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
Sign Up for the 7 Day Challenge by visiting: estherperel.com/foreplay
This is a clip is from my live workshop: Rituals for Your Relationships. Watch the full video here: youtu.be/dqwLc-rIOnU
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Letters From Esther Perel is my monthly newsletter and free workshop series that explores important topics in the world of relationships, as well as resources and action items to help you explore these themes in everyday life. To subscribe, visit bitly.com/lettersfromesther.
This is a clip is from my live workshop: Rituals for Your Relationships. Watch the full video here: youtu.be/dqwLc-rIOnU
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Letters From Esther Perel is my monthly newsletter and free workshop series that explores important topics in the world of relationships, as well as resources and action items to help you explore these themes in everyday life. To subscribe, visit bitly.com/lettersfromesther.
This is a clip is from my live workshop: Rituals for Your Relationships. Watch the full video here: youtu.be/dqwLc-rIOnU
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Letters From Esther Perel is my monthly newsletter and free workshop series that explores important topics in the world of relationships, as well as resources and action items to help you explore these themes in everyday life. To subscribe, visit bitly.com/lettersfromesther.
In this workshop, we’ll explore the Rituals that help us through the different stages of our relationships.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter: Rituals and Routines.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
In this workshop, we’ll explore how to ask better questions that meet people where they are now.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter: Questions to Ask That Meet People Where They Are Now
To download slides from this workshop: http://bit.ly/lettersfromesther-questions
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
In this workshop, we’ll explore how to harness the power of both eroticism and fantasy to transition into the new year as we ask the question: What would you like to imagine for 2021?
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter: Eroticism Suffered in 2020; Fantasy Thrived
To download the slides from this workshop, visit: http://bit.ly/lettersfromesther-eroticism
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
In this workshop, we’ll explore the importance of mentorship, how to identify a person from your past who helped shape who you became, and how to let them know the impact they had on your life.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter: Who Was There For You?
To download slides from this workshop visit: bit.ly/letters-from-esther-mentor
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter: What Death Can Teach Us About Life
Download the slides from this workshop: http://bit.ly/letters-from-esther-death
Learn more about Sessions Live 2020, my annual training for therapists and educators: http://bit.ly/letters-from-esther-sessions
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter: Are Taboos Holding Your Relationship Back?
If you’d like a copy of the slides used in today’s workshop visit http://bit.ly/letters-from-esther-taboos.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. To sign up for this series, visit bitly.com/lettersfromesther.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter: How Your Relationships Will Change. Read it here: bit.ly/2DkzUpb
Letters from Esther is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. To sign up for this series, visit bitly.com/lettersfromesther.
I’ll be discussing this month’s Letters From Esther: Change is in the Details. Read it here: estherperel.com/blog/letters-from-esther-change-is-in-the-details
This is a part of my monthly newsletter series, meant to inspire reflection and action in areas that are important for your relational intelligence. To sign up for the newsletter, visit http://bitly.com/lettersfromesther.
Link to Esther on This Human Moment with Keith Yamashita: thishumanmoment.com/joinestherperel
I'll be discussing this month's Letters from Esther, The Joy of Complaining. Read it here: estherperel.com/blog/letters-from-esther-joy-of-complaining
This is the first of a monthly live series to explore a topic relevant to our relational health. To sign up for the newsletter series, and to view our latest entry, visit estherperel.com/blog/letters-from-esther-joy-of-complaining
To watch all four parts of Esther Perel's workshop series Love, Loss, Loneliness (and a Pinch of Humor!) Under Lockdown, visit estherperel.com/lockdown-resources.
This is Part 2 of the last of four live workshops covering how we engage with the new normal from a relational perspective.
For resources from this series visit: estherperel.com/lockdown-resources
Part 1 of the last of four live workshops with Esther Perel covering how we engage with the new normal from a relational perspective.
For resources from this series visit: estherperel.com/lockdown-resources
Stay tuned next week for Part 4: Is it ok to experience pleasure in the midst of crisis?
See part one of this week's theme at: youtu.be/NKtMnVha_PA
Stay tuned over the next two weeks for parts 3 and 4:
Part 3: How to Live with Prolonged Uncertainty and Anticipatory Grief
Part 4: Is it ok to experience pleasure in the midst of crisis?
For more from this series, visit estherperel.com/lockdown.
To watch the full workshop, visit: youtu.be/NKtMnVha_PA
For more from this series by Esther Perel, visit estherperel.com/lockdown.
To watch the full workshop, visit: youtu.be/NKtMnVha_PA
For more from this workshop series by Esther Perel, visit estherperel.com/lockdown.
To watch the full workshop, visit: youtu.be/NKtMnVha_PA
For more from this series by Esther Perel, visit estherperel.com/lockdown.
For more from this series, visit estherperel.com/lockdown.
Terry Real is a nationally recognized family therapist, author, and teacher. He is particularly known for his groundbreaking work on men and male psychology as well as his work on gender and couples; he has been in private practice for over twenty-five years.
Terry is my guest this month on Sessions, an online platform for therapists, coaches, and educators. Learn more about his work at www.terryreal.com.
Each month on Esther Perel's training platform, we tackle an important, challenging issue with recognized experts in the field. Learn more about becoming a member of the Sessions community here: sessions.estherperel.com/sign-up
Today I am joined by Dr. Holly Richmond, Somatic Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist (CST), and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT) with offices in New York, New Jersey, Los Angeles and Portland, Oregon. She works with women, men, couples and gender-diverse individuals on relationship and sexuality issues, offering sex therapy and sexual health coaching nationally and internationally.
This clip is a part of a longer conversation with Holly Richmond for Sessions, my online community for therapists, educators, and coaches. Each month on Sessions, we tackle an important, challenging issue with recognized experts in the field.
Learn more about becoming a member of Esther Perel's professional community: sessions.estherperel.com/sign-up
Learn more about Holly: www.drhollyrichmond.com


